.: Dienstag, Mai 27 :.
My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night
But ah my foes and oh my friends
It gives a lovely light.
- Roald Dahl -
.: 6:05:00 nachm. :.
.: Sonntag, Mai 18 :.
"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."
"life and death. energy and peace. if i stopped today, it was still worth it. even the terrible mistakes that i have made, and would have unmade if i could. the pains that have burned me and scarred my soul. it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where i've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far inbetween, though it, in it and above..."
- Gia Marie Carangi (Gia) -
.: 10:15:00 nachm. :.
.: Samstag, Mai 17 :.
O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
And foolish notion.
- To a Louse, Robert Burns -
i started this under the influence of someone, and to me.. it is only fair i end it because ive decided to run away again. pray i never come back if you pray. furious angels cant bring me back to you because they wont find me in the first place. guess why. its been quite the commitment, writing almost daily.. the dread id go thru for missing a day. i shall write in my own space and time.. no more audiences, no more reciprocal trivialities. sick thoughts should remain in a sick mind. where it belongs. all the knots have come loose and im falling apart. perhaps i will look back someday and miss this voyeuristic phase i lived through. all the inward woe suffered in silence for lack of a better understanding, and who to blame when it is me who twists and turns the ashes of time. the absence of affection revealed for pure cause and effect. perhaps not. i want to forget everything i know about me, the world, the people who did me harm. i want to forget you. i need to.
Sed fugit interea, fugit inreparabile tempus.
- Georgics, Virgil -
.: 3:37:00 vorm. :.
.: Donnerstag, Mai 15 :.
it must be quite a thrill in some way to have children and watch them grow up right in front of you, a creature that used to be so small and helpless.. finally independent and probably nothing close to what you imagined. kinda like the freaking musical sims family my siblings installed on my pc. dont you love using certain things against people? it could be a particular peculiarity about them that they arent exactly proud of, or some comeback phrase they overuse.. i think those can be used in moderation. when you are too honest however, it tends to be offensive. and thats bad. especially if youre an insulting person and you cannot handle it when your own crude remarks are thrown back in your face, who on this earth is perfect anyway. theres always something youre self-conscious about that could easily be poked fun at and have you end up sulking or even worse crying over it. so dont be judgemental or brutally honest unless youre required to be. keep your attitude problems to yourself. what do you get from trying to show off anyway? i dont care that you smoke lights, i wouldnt want to go on a nicotine haughtiness competition unless you think menthols make you cool. then you, my friend, have bigger issues than little old me.
.: 2:23:00 vorm. :.
.: Mittwoch, Mai 14 :.
"Frottage" is anonymous furtive sexual contact with a victim in a crowd.
there are some things you get addicted to; which you think you could never undo. how does it happen? the same way a smoker snubs out a cigarette i guess. though it isnt possible to have a cigarette snub the smoker out in return. perhaps in an alternate universe. i dont know how to confirm my suspicions that someone is coming on to me, over-friendliness? *shrugs* too early to tell.. if its that easy to tell a person you miss him/her how come the ones you expect to hear it from hardly ever say so? the freshness of the relationship fuels that sort of enthusiasm in my opinion, after all i do not expect anyone to be able to outlast my own disturbing mentality.. why not count the numbers as they go by. the same thing with my supposedly preserved foods in the kitchen. a lot of them e.g. peanut butter and jelly has already crossed over to the land of expiry. thus have to be thrown out. reminds me of the video for coffee and tv. but yeah, i do look back and regret some of the many chances i had with companionship. with people that i knew for sure were truly worth it. i messed up and now theyre gone.. noone to blame but myself. theres always blood ties to run back to, those whom were said to be forever there. the ones who feed you, clothe you, give you money to pay the bills. theres always family.
.: 8:30:00 vorm. :.
.: Dienstag, Mai 13 :.
belated & beat
i got home about an hour ago after a day as exhausting as the survivor 6 finale. paid the remaining cost of my new footwear and complained to the point of ah weng promising to buy me a house, a little tight around the middle even though i took a 7 and a half. they look very unique though. like i need the extra dose of standing out in the crowd. sometimes i feel evil when bargaining, money is becoming such a priority these days. people need to earn at least a little profit to survive; which brings me to my malebolge destiny.. i cant quit the habit of giving in to kleptomaniac urges. i had to stay back late after my shift yesterday to attend a meeting, which i did not, so neil said he owes me lunch. cant argue with the boss now can you? been getting free meals like crazy lately, waistline is suffering the gluttony. anyway when i finally met up with sheral and sylver, she asked if i had the strength to eat a belated birthday dinner. piccolo mondo, her treat. i think all i said was jom.
off we went shopping for a bit, found some spaghetti strap tops going for rm3.9. she was looking for a new wallet/purse, said shed buy me a carry bag as well. when we walked out of the shop i had both items in my possession and neither of us paid a single cent. i couldnt really help it, smitten as i was with the soft brown exterior and pale yellow insides beneath a magnetic clasp. the wallet was 70. bag 40. i am surely going to hell, as i lamented over and over again even as we were headed back home in the cab. so im a kleptomaniac with a conscience. screw me. i think i scared the driver with my morbid speech, he was really careful on the road. why am i thinking about death, dying and the afterlife now??? the bad karma was paid off 7x as dear when sylver lost sherals nokia 8210 today. might not be going to hell after all but i need help. yes i do. back to the fantabulous dinner we had at pricey italiano ristorante. we ordered one: i ravioli di ricotta alle verdure (beautiful sauce!), la grigliata mista di carne, pizza diavola, blended lime margarita, mussolini, sicily strawberries, banana split and crespella con gelato (i wish it was on fire). ill buy you dinner if you can guess which ones were my choices.
i had my first experience with work stress today. wasnt in the mood to concentrate, the person behind me being sugar intolerant and preferring salt gave me half his snickers bar, my mind was scattered for no apparent reason. ran around barefooted in the office because i cannot bear to have the arch of my feet remoulded by a pair of heels. that same guy has been smsing me out of boredom and saying things which give me the wrong idea, i still dont like the idea of relating miss calls to missing a person. alfie labelled an emotional discussion between ali and me a lovers quarrel, upon which i retorted by screaming from my cubicle to his. very pms-y. even the most annoying of them all had stooped to apologizing for disturbing me in the middle of work. we are all clowns. i scored 10 points for disabling faheem from thinking of any come back whutsoever after he asked me why i take my bag (security blanket) along with me everywhere, prompting me to point at his sling pouch and sarcastically asking 'whats that?'. maybe hes met his match eh. to think i used to find him adorably pretty.
after an entire morning of australian skylines, the truth about that certain company is revealed and it turns out theyre located in indonesia so there goes my mock site. maybe ill do something about it in these two off days. left work and spent the remainder of the day with juin in town. he simply has to speak to me in mandarin, we caught up over caffeine and nicotine, same old, visited a number of bookstores, listened to free music at tower records, got wet in the night rain, i almost got him to buy me flowers.. though he was right about the daring to take them around everywhere. i had to grab his sleeve when we approach slopes because i am just too damn insecure about walking on wet tiles. tar is safer. is having your ankles suspended more than 2 inches above the ground actually considered walking? hes so nice, carried my luggage and accompanied me to the 868 which happened to be there. maybe we will all go catch matrix reloaded on friday. my gum infection is acting up. caramel lollypops probably arent the best solution to that. oh well.
.: 8:39:00 vorm. :.
Price may increase without warning.