.: Donnerstag, Oktober 31 :. Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.
- David Lodge - its done. i had a little confrontation with my nemesis yesterday afternoon. nah i wouldnt call him a nemesis. the results of it were unexpected and it appears i am but a young idiotic person with much to learn and understand about writing and being read. i part with things rather unwillingly, call it sentimental value.. its no use trying to believe the best of yourself when you live in an environment that reflects the worse. is this feeling what they call dread and despair? been a while since ive seen a morning. walking through the darkness with one objective, while lack of rejuventation starts to play tricks on my mind. everything seems to come to life out of the corner of my eye, shadows seem more animated than they ought to be, lights hurt, objects float. printing services provided in exchange for 20 reds. my work compiled with a single staple on the top left corner feeling insignificant, hiding between transparent plastic covers and comb binded rivals. i can relate to that. when there are so many decorated first impressions, i find little hope in duping myself to think quality surpasses quantity. as time passed my strength wore out with it, seeking refuge at bangladesh headquarters hoping to post the soft copy of my existentialism essay. the sun has risen in a glorious state, huddling up and being treated like a domestic pet. i cant remember the last time i had a proper breakfast. half way thru they send me into the kitchen to get more meat. roti canai never tasted so good. i like the feeling of closeness with them. joy doesnt even ask before patting me down in search of my cell; in search of nicotine. theyre a breed of happy people i can live with. i become a victim of voyeurism, as bulletguts informs me the encrypted email i receive was supposed to contain nude images of a local female. class is postponed an hour. canada my ass. i lumber home with a lot of effort, squinting the whole way because it was too bright. two construction workers stare at me and i wouldve stared back if my eyes were not reduce to the size of pinholes. it felt like i was phasing in and out at certain destinations along the journey, shuffling slowly then thinking to myself and realizing i did not recall anything about the last few minutes or meters. people have been making remarks about my hair. i wonder if those nasty reptiles have been hissing behind my back. ayu should never be associated with someone like me. with the little time i had online before sleeping i read through a few old e-mails i had from Ice. the finalization of my philosophy conclusion brought back memories of him. the invigorating twist with a dash of disrespect. he was telling me how proud he is of me, that i could do more with 3d than just dustpans. i miss him. i miss vito and his daddy too. life passes you by if you act without aggression. ive developed a warm affection of sifting it thru my fingers and knowing i was the one who allowed it to slip, id have you right where i want if i desired it so. but i choose to let it go. .: 11:35:00 PM :. .: Mittwoch, Oktober 30 :. Googlism for: teddy teddy is a pseudonym used to protect him from further police harrassment teddy is the man to panic teddy is a world cup cert teddy is calling teddy is in need of a loving home in tx teddy is in need of a loving home in ohio teddy is so good teddy is 100 years old teddy is the man to panic europe by glenn hoddle exclusive teddy is watching you teddy is loyal and brave ? a kind of humanized watch teddy is a research prototype teddy is the man to panic teddy is a world cup cert teddy is calling teddy is on the seminar teddy is watching you teddy is teddy is far from a troll and you don't know teddy is in new york july 23 teddy is america's other 6 teddy is a 2 year old very active golden boy who teddy is the cute cuddly face of australian red cross teddy is loved by fans as one of the most fascinating characters in ai david teddy is made of blonde mohair that is surface washable teddy is named simply ted© teddy is a personal favorite of mine teddy is qualified to address your people and inspire them to excel teddy is a hit at retirement dinners teddy is 3 years old teddy is ready to teddy is yellow david playne teddy is a 3d graphics library teddy is carrying on with her teddy is elevated to one of the most important characters in pete and pete teddy is there to bring his special message teddy is owned by henry and monica swinton teddy is going to the hector's creek and duncan area all day saturday teddy is a good boy teddy is left cold teddy is sleeping teddy is the special way to express your emotions to your near & dear ones teddy is here teddy is installing an automated secure shopping cart on our website teddy is visiting lommersum teddy is hungry prb013 teddy is hungry teddy is dressed for the cold weather and is ready to play teddy is king and that all the other teddies are false kings teddy is currently living with a foster family including two other dogs teddy is zacht teddy is the brains teddy is for a very young child teddy is project name for the graphics engine of the framework teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh teddy is small teddy is a heating pad teddy is trained to sniff and detect nine to 12 odors and other explosive devices teddy is set to hit our screens in october in a storyline that will run until just before christmas teddy is bright child with a ready laugh teddy is a bright teddy is 100% baby safe teddy is a one teddy is a magnificent brown classic tabby neutered teddy is designed to "assist" children in watching tv teddy is the real damp pet this season teddy is made of new zealand natural brown possum teddy is intendent to work on multiple platforms teddy is newbie teddy is nicely decorated with lace and pin pleats teddy is such a sweet heart teddy is at teddy is ready for traveling teddy is equipped with a dazzling array of electronics teddy is a sweet and loving american cocker who you would think would have no problems teddy is named after our jet black alpaca cria teddy is one of those "forget teddy is wearing here teddy is bright with a ready laugh teddy is a young male teddy is leery of marriage .: 1:37:00 PM :. Yahoo! Search Results for horny brinjals i rated a good 3rd place out of 7 other sites. sixth place being *ahem* the mmu student forum, which may raise a disappoving eyebrow amongst the more conservative lot, what the hell are they thinking discussing such topics under the universitys dignified name. lol. a visitor found me using those two keywords, ah it is most entertaining to track how people get to this one page out of billions in cyberspace. my usage of 'horny' was not even sexually related but the mention of cucciolo as an acknowledgement for this fursuit alias. i miss my cucciolo. i wonder if the outcome will remain the same after i publish this post. i probably put myself in the number one spot instead!  What Sign of Affection Are You? "Dnt worry bout the snakes in the garden wen u got spiders in ur bed y dnt u make like a tree and leave? meet the musical little creatures that hide among the flowers" i will finish my philosophy paper by hook or by crook. tonight or by tomorrow morning. it will also be my last posting at the asylum as i have made up my mind to remove myself from the team. out of place, out of time. although the invitation was personally made twice by the administrator, he had overlooked the consequences of this individual decision and failed to enquire the majority's favour. the situation is a 'yau ngo mou hui' kind, surely the senior proves a more valuable asset compared to me. an observation; he has refused to make any entries ever since i made my debut. its all too easy to take a hint from the hostility and wet blankets thrown at me, and no i would not put myself in any position to jeopardize long term friendships. ive grown quite fond of the place and its unwelcoming judgemental atmosphere, its no use living with constant agreement and praise. skepticism and insults go a long hurtful way, but at least they may help me in growing out of the immortal naïvety i possess about acceptance, among other things. i am to social, what luncheon meat is to vlad. before the cowboy style showdown happens, im running off with the sakais. thanks for giving me the part fariz, but its time to hold an audition for more suitable female candidates. as they say; good riddance to bad rubbish. nietzsche is dead. .: 3:46:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Oktober 29 :. a mellow autumn orange stripe marked the horizon outside my window. it faces the direction called 'sai che' in cantonese, which means i get to see many fantabulous sunsets. blending into the warm colour were rain clouds, heavy and descending. i believe this sort of rain is hujan relief as taught in lower secondary geography lessons. there is summat an unintended pun there, makes it easier to remember. when i spent my first few weeks here there had been ample opportunities for scenic sunset photography. spontaneous as it was i got out the slr and searched frantically for a decent roll of colour film, but all i had was black and white film. three freaking boxes of it. grayscale would never do justice to a sunset. is it possible to trade in a single lense reflex for a decent digital camera? i have no patience for tweaking with apertures or shutter speeds, so point and shoot are three words i truly respect. speaking of photography, the strawberry sundae worshipper requests to be linked. after i sent him something in less than 60 seconds, he offered me a column in his upcoming design journal (wha..) needless to say i am honoured, openly realizing i will probably graduate and burn my degree, running off to become a freelance writer if conditions permit. i speak as though i am so qualified :P maybe im a talent waiting to be discovered... *smirks* this is also the same aspiring independent film maker, so inevitably he brings up the scriptwriting thing again, whats ironic is both of us have yet to even begin our philosophy papers and already we are day dreaming. tsk. not to mention the movie screening will be starting in the next hour. "sayang sayang" is a sweet method of consoling, and it makes a nice answer to "can i borrow your shoulder?" it feels great to be able to get some bottled up negativity out of my head. and to more than one person in a day :) things are going swell. cancelled lectures, postponed submission dates, constructive distractions. deceased mosquitoes cannot buzz in my ear, im glad the annoying pests left me alone early this morning. i had a mental seizure and would have begged for it to be put to an end should anyone else have been around. then again theres always the alternative of consuming panadol and dead sleep. .: 2:46:00 AM :. .: Montag, Oktober 28 :. i hear the distant rumbling of thunder as a storm approaches. i still insist i smell smoke in the air, it even turns suffocating during the night. a musky burning smell. i turned down weed this morning. sigh. the rain has come, the soft rhythmic sound of it hitting the ground, masking everything it touches with vitality, colours seem more vibrant after the rain. the rustling of leaves dancing madly in the strong breeze. otherwise the silence would be deafening. contradictions cant be explained, its just that at some point people relinquish and accept defeat. if made to choose between jeans anarchism and sørens reclusiveness, id pick the latter even though im not entirely inclined towards the absurdity of both parties. everything is an uncertainty in our lives and to spend time looking for answers put these philosophers at torment mending the holes in the theories and turning to God as an excuse for inexplicable things. are we really so desperate to share the workings of our minds, to judge the actions of those thoughts, what is it about humility and concealment.. while it is in our nature to become exhibitionistic attention seekers, the degree varies for different individuals of course but i still find it apalling. 'bad faith'. halfway through typing this, my connection fails and i will either forfeit this entry or find other means of access. out of so many hours in a day, as time creeps closer to the end and further from the beginning.. although it is something i could probably never change about myself but eventually will be diluted. someday i would be able to grow out of short fuses and suppressed fury, perhaps be one of the lucky ones who live regardless of everything else. its not alien to hear the phrase dance like noone is watching. how do you truly enjoy dancing if too cautious about stepping on toes? like the distant stars crowding around the heavens and like the endless processions of light in darkness, the sun, the planets and all arent you real like them at all! are you, alas, only a picture on the wall! since you disappeared from my sights, you have been thriving in my eyes, been the green of the woods, blue of the firmament my universe has found in you its soulmate i know not, nor will anyone guess that your tune plays in all my songs you are the poet in my poets heart not a picture, a mere picture on the wall! Rabindranath Tagore Geetamalika 1(1345/Shapmochan) .: 1:55:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Oktober 27 :. Hell is other people. - Jean Paul Sartre - i dont get phone calls very much. especially not when people cant afford to waste hard earned $ on the triviality of talking cock with me. this morning however at approximately 1am the grocery stall stock checker called and asked me if bathing after drinking beer could be fatal. apparently if you do so, you will die in your sleep. riiiight. i had never heard of such a thing in my life.. but he is totally freaked out and worried about waking up dead, eh i meant dying in his sleep. nah he wont, maybe if it was durian and beer.. now that would be a lethal combination. it is entertaining to have a friend like him, a free radical. sharing this with nocturnal pleasure, we bombard each other with philosophy and nonsense related to existentialism.. he thinks at the rate he is going he will end up selling pirated vcds/dvds. ah no worries, i will definitely be a loyal customer in that case. along the way i receive an sms from krackpot. at about 2:44am we have a conversation over the phone about things. we go way back. i dont know what he is getting at with the questions and a restrained level of hostility in his voice. i dare not ask. give me a good relationship with anyone and sooner or later, it will turn sour. oh well. you have your touch and ill have mine. it is sickening to discover the attention given has been divided, or even worse just a flicker of imagination. its no wonder i am easily misunderstood, with my knack of talking in riddles and never revealing the actual dust bunnies which irritate and cause me to leave red welts on my skin. given the attention deficit disorder, my text being served up like a nicely packed ham yuk chung, glutinous rice and all, noone can focus after a certain time span. d'oh :) i like it this way. good food. time flies. its past 5am and im still awake with perhaps a decrease in my already less than average sized eyes. i got work to do. and eventually someone to call. 06:34:03am. 4 minutes of silent anticipation. 5 of murmured words. 3 of repeating those words because theyre just too inaudible. 2 1/2 for word play. 6 for generally pleased expressiveness. and the remaining two and a half for multiple orgasmic cries. now thats what i call a quickie. *afterglow* i remember reading disclosure and there was some discussion about how when two people are really into their seducing each other, nothing gets in the way. not asthma, not sneezing, nothing. probably explains how it cures headaches as well. do you still keep in touch with ex-flames. do they send you nude pictures of models or karmasutra positions? do your friends impersonate other people to message you about made believe deaths from sleeping after a bath after beer and ask for a contribution for pak kum while planning to attend the funeral in bentong? can things get any weirder around 'ere? .: 1:07:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Oktober 26 :. i dreamt of whales. a completely irrelevant slumber party with squeaky floor boards and unknown persons. the visuals seem right out of the rotoscoping film, its not too surprisingly since i have spent many hours browsing through kierkegaard and sartre related sites that would help me in writing my grade determining essay for philosophy, a subject i have contradicting views of. sitting here wrapped in a fluffy towel reading status messages like 'only dead fish follow the stream', my mind never left its existential pondering state. one moment it gushes while another it trickles, its a sensation of holding your breath under water.. predicting the second your lungs cry out and youre forced to surface for air. i feel sleepy. and despite all the unfinished tasks i still make time to type invaluable stuff. i wonder if i were in america or canada, would i still opt to spend so much time studying and make it a point to graduate before landing myself some crummy deskjob evolving from procrastinating student to disgruntled worker. or would i be taking my days one at a time working shifts, receiving weekly salary, achieving some sort of personal satisfaction with doing things the way id like to instead of being the obedient and responsible child. after all youth over there are practically 'disowned' when of proper age to be independent and fend for themselves. our culture keeps generations of fledglings in the same nest for decades. of course to contemplate these possibilities are absolutely a waste of time, im not there. im here. and im buried alive in work yet to be done. theres a rave going on somewhere around these parts tonight and i know a couple of bloggers who are going for it. pity my personality scores a doughnut on outings, i could use the break.. or at least the consumption of some real food. i may have rejected the tub but id welcome chips anytime. *sigh* time to get back to work on the railroad, slave my retinas away. .: 7:53:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Oktober 25 :. after metropolis by fritz lang last night, i satisfied my craving for french fries and washed it down with artificial kiwi juice. seemed artificial to me. since Herbal was still out of stock, the night went by slow and soon it was morning. i skipped a full day of classes just to teach myself how to make transparent backgrounds for .gif images. i learned something new today. and it was not hard either. as always the mind schemes the heart dreams, before i could detach myself from this ongoing addiction i had stumbled upon another one of the anime freaks and found out im linked. when i finish with this post i would have exceeded an online duration of 10 hours. i have no idea how i spent all that time idling on the computer, only towards the evening was i busy chatting with my six typing fingers, i have a full set its just that i only use the select few for typing. i dont know how to type. couldnt care less. that is how to tell if someone is a net junkie. recently i was informed about the actual difference between a weblog and online journal. humans are such abusive creatures. somehow someway we just twist and turn the real thing into something of our own convenience. all the same the ambitious sluttiness is flooding the banks of my river of chastity, for someone who doesnt read much i think i use words pretty good *laughs* i will turn twenty one all too soon then hopefully allow myself to be ravished and make my 2nd debut into society. talking wont get me anywhere and time stops for noone so i need to quit being lazy as well. argh so many things to stop doing, i shall have to change my form of indulgences or just give up all too easily. what is it about me that makes you so curious to know what i look like? :) the last time i remember being bribed into going out to meet someone one on one, it was to play neopets with a free connection. now it has been upgraded to being a third horn on a goat while getting high on weed. he warned me about revealing the actual conversation which is so goddamn hilarious.. thank you for getting positive vibes from me and the invitation to get stoned with those things that keep jesus in place on the cross. then the blogwhore tells me im so abnormal i make her feel in place with the rest of the stereotypes. hippies were and still are cool. i resent those who claim otherwise. a note of apology to ed for abusing most of his metaphors. my piece of shit buddy just called with 7 words, "dude, do you still want the tub?" ill leave you to wonder what that meant, ive a date with my idiot box. .: 7:02:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Oktober 24 :. the past few days of beginners abstinence have been rather bleak. i was hoping to see the results of damage done reversed, it is too soon to tell. instead of feeling in the pink of health, my complexion complains openly and i take an even longer time to travel from a to b. strangely enough, my hair was so nice over the weekend it was freaky. all i do is sleep through the cool evenings and nights, distracting my itching hands with food. a pending queue of movies wait patiently for my enthusiasm, i seem to have momentarily lost interest in them. upcoming deadlines loom over me, with my capacity of ignorance.. they wont bother me.. right up till a day before they are due. has anyone ever died of procrastination? they would probably be able to postpone their death. lol. & despite everything i decide to stick with weeding. i was drinking a mug of milo for brunch. i cant seem to sip anything, not even liquid of extreme heat, id sooner burn my tongue. i had pretty much finished the contents but liquid is sneaky, it sticks to the sides of the container and only when you put it down for some time will it accumulate at the bottom. so i lifted the mug to my lips and as i tilted it, the remaining chocolate smeared the base in a symmetrical pattern, combining as it dripped down into a small brook. <3 i was looking at a heart made of milo streaks which lasted a few blinks of my eye. it was pretty. i wonder how gypsies and the like read tea leaves. my plants were going through a period of drought as i was too occupied with my hibernation, it is quite despairing to see dying life.. particularly when you are in control of that life. like when i fed the one-eyed koi to maximus, or broke off a child cactus from its parent. its horrifying, just in a smaller portion. then i wanted to clean the plastic aquarium, using the physics of water pressure.. actually just copying what papa usually does. at least i dont have to suck on the tube to get the water going. ugh. i managed to get most of the dirt out, aqua shit stinks up ur hands real bad, the strong current taking two little dark coloured fish with it. thus began my molesting of tiny koi, transferring them into jons aquarium. i feel trapped in a vicious cycle, like a serpent choking on its own tail. have i used that metaphor before? one minute im getting all worked up about having someone over to the extent of reorganizing the entire place and mopping the tiled floor, tweezing my eyebrows (i have yet to confirm why the hell i was doing so), letting my imagination run away from me with its own two pair of feet. a minute later, im taking precautions against sexual inclination, going about the daily business of reading online material to have my own insignificance rubbed in an open pore with seasalt and i get the green light to do a couple of miles on the treadmill again. i like sleeping all tucked up with my wrists folded inward, like a cozy looking feline. i cant figure out why my fingers still curl naturally when the reflex should have dissipated a long time ago along with things like crawling on all fours. and thumb-sucking.. but i dont think i ever did that. .: 1:43:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Oktober 22 :.
.: 8:01:00 PM :. the main post office in kuala lumpur does not close at 4 p.m. because of that i managed to send the ever so important ersatz disc on its way to the land down under. the longer i procrastinate the more obsolete the film will be. i went to ampang by bus. for no apparent reason other than to be a friend. it is weird how awake i was during the ride there, just looking at the passing scenery may it have been concrete or nature, thinking quietly to myself while the valium insomniac nods off beside me. a quaint little town that seemed like it was in the middle of nowhere, the perfect grocery store for inquisitive kids, a deserted spca center off a busy street. the warm evening turns to dusk, as i begin to show withdrawal symptoms and the mute speak only to be politely told to shut up. i had a restless night the day before. dreamt of something so spectacular it was lost the instant my phone rang and i answered it. i survived the pounding of nervous expectancy. maximus going round and round the water pump like a hyperactive hamster on a wheel.. a snail probing the night air with its gentle feelers unaware of impending doom, the death blow leaving it to rot in the remains of its cozy home.. the reflex of hiding in its protective layer working to no avail. goes to show some things can never be undone. life taken cannot be replaced. i took a journey through bangladesh by sight, infatuated with the sleek form and bone structure of cattle under rural rhapsodies. id go anywhere but home at times like these. talking more than i normally would in a week with indian chicks i used to spend a lot of time with when back in puchong. a full grown tiger lazes on the screen of an idle monitor. the room smells of paint and gum, i try to master the simple weight shifting of an imported toy from england, a curled light blue dolphin twirling about along the metal rods, staying in place with the aid of magnetic forces. i was there to return lotr, i give up trying to continue where i left off, one of them tells me my colour studies from alpha is displayed on the university website. not all is lost then.
Nothing is more powerful than habit.
- Ovid - .: 3:51:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Oktober 20 :. im forcing myself to type something even though the idling from past few days has made me lose interest in this daily occupancy of time. my last cigarette was a malboro light, while i was puffing away on it.. i did not know it would be the last of them. today is the third day from when i decided to stop cold turkey. seriously quit now, not like before when i always gave in to temptation and turned my inner demons loose. they still wander and loaf around, waiting for a wall to crumble so that i might once again be controlled by mindless self-destruction. i didnt have such a dependency on nicotine two years ago. and ill deny ever having it. just go back to being sober and a bore. the weekend passed slowly yet i was rather surprised to find it gone.. with a lot of yearnings and misgivings. i had welcomed direct sales into my little den and paid in cash what i decided to purchase. my thoughts are still with the beige ikea bear, i must have the worse form of imagination possible.. the kind where you want it to materialize and expect tangibility. i dont know why i bother with the countless minutes of pampering with the expensive nu skin products. they smell nice and all that, but it would take helluva long time to rid my scars. it would also require some effort on my behalf to take a chance and try to change. i need to break out of my chrysalis. forget what has happened and focus on what will. i would also like to say most of my fondness has grown bitter. i hate you for making me feel this way.
this forwarded mail from karen claims i will eventually become celibate and my genitals will rot and fall off if 10 copies do not leave my e-mail within the next 96 hours. the first bit is already a fact, i guess ill be looking forward to my terminally high luck. .: 11:06:00 PM :. .: Donnerstag, Oktober 17 :. enema says: you have anxiety and fear of getting close with anyone..so i just play what my script says.. raewbyddet says: and what does your script say enema says: just be myself enema says: bold someomre raewbyddet says: bold? enema says: and let you be yourself as well raewbyddet says: let me be myself raewbyddet says: yay me enema says: thats is why i never ask for that bridge raewbyddet says: LOL stop using these ridiculous metaphors enema says: it's not a concern when you let someone be what they want..haha raewbyddet says: well i dont see why you would be concerned about me at all. .: 5:58:00 PM :. .: Mittwoch, Oktober 16 :. When a man begins to reason,
he ceases to feel. - French proverb - jon pulled the plug on my cpu before i had saved or posted my original entry for today. so its lost. my blood revealed that i lack iron when going through the standard procedure before the donation. so they rejected me. smoking is one of the main causes for anaemia in women. at least i wasnt turned down because i was in a specific location overseas during a specified timespan like he who is 20 days older than me. he cant donate blood ever again. i watched rashomon, trainspotting and waking life in the past two days. i want to watch them all again. i signed a petition to stop authorities from building a garbage incinerator that would pollute the air close enough to my university. like i am breathing any better on my own. what a paradox. before submitting myself to the false hope of lying still with an arm laid out, a crimson river flowing out of my vein through a tube and into a thick plastic bag.. something about josh made me buy a steak and cheese sub. maybe if i ate it before the test i would have fared better. its incredibly shitty to be charitable and endure the worst part of blood donating -finger pricking-, only to have them tell you the red substance that throbs through you is not good enough. i feel unwanted. i walk home under what started off as a drizzle and turned into rain. they say bad things happen in threes but i sure as hell wasnt counting. someone said i take small things and magnify them. yes im highly sensitive, next. i am tired. of things untrue and waiting to be made true. i was born on a wednesday. does that mean i can have a birthday every week. sounds right to me. i try to hold on. but im let go. all falls apart. regenerates. put together again. play. rewind. stop. play. i hope there is an end. .: 8:47:00 AM :. .: Montag, Oktober 14 :. do you believe that everyone has that one special person made just for them? like the chinese have a story about red thread tying us together in pairs, eventually both would meet and be meant for each other? i hate ally mcbeal. in one episode she said maybe im one of those who were meant to be alone. those words echo in my mind. i also hate cheryl for cursing my marital status till the age of 30. and for chasing me off because the bloody flirt wanted to play cs with her ex-boyfriend and co. good for me then, i hate that game. i say things i dont mean sometimes, like in this context the word hate isnt really that strong a dislike. its just a shorter more understandable way of expressing myself. so people wont have to read a few hundred words and decipher what i am trying to say. but thats not what im going for now is it? 
What Will Your Result To This Quiz Be? i paid an unscheduled visit to puchong. she obviously does not see things the way i do as we walked past a strangers apartment she taunts me for looking at the topless guy indoors, when i was admiring the money plant which had grown into co-existence with the balcony railing. sure i saw the silhouette of a person moving but id rather look at the vegetation. i said, "people do not interest me". how true could that have been. even while she fiddled with her cd-rom so i could watch mr.deeds (adam sandler rocks) she accused me of staring at her foodstock when i was actually peering at her photogram turned incense holder, wondering why the ash fell so precisely on the rectangle and missed the varnished floor around it. is there something wrong with me? i enjoyed the sandwich spread and chocolate, i eat the weirdest combination of things.. if my stomache were any bigger, people might start to think im with child. standing with my head tilted upwards to watch little nicky on astro, while the noisy clinking of coins killed the dialogue of quasimodo on screen. i was in a 'ma kei' center, i tried to understand how the game of odds works, but my limited knowledge of mathematics and anti-numeric attitude overwhelmed so who needs to know how these gambling money guzzlers function. greed leads you on by letting you win some them then helping you lose all. despite the drizzle some vcd stalls were open, its interesting to see how they display pornographic material now, compared to when i had to voice out and ask for it. i finally got a copy of stealing harvard for fariz, as promised. didnt think i would ever find it but i did. i hope im rewarded with a wombat. as i boarded the bus at half past nine, i could not help but think of being driven off into an isolated area and getting raped. somehow sitting alone in a dim iluminated public transport gives me ideas like these. i dont regret never having bought any pepper spray or whatever, but i do imagine how i would react should the situation become real. i have a sick, sick mind. as another passenger flagged down the speeding bus, i knew my chances of sexual assault had gone from a good 50 percent to -1. so i concentrated on the passing scenery outside, why is it the night sky is brighter than the land that appears to have melted in the darkness.. everything is just pitch black, not even leaving room for shadows. after getting off the bus and walking home, the source of two different lights causing my own shadow to fall twice and cross each other, the section where they both meet is rather nice. i have to stop getting all strung out on my own. "i visited a brothel for the first time. theres alot in the street but i chose that one cos i dont know why..the neon sign outside just kept calling me up.so i went. and its sleazy and it has row and rows of wooden beds with a simple matress and yellow pillows. I knew i was fucked when it cost me 350 bucks.and i knew i made the wrong choice cos that place only have one house hooker. The boss says that business is bad. So i met her.i thought fuck it la i paid and i got cheated so what to do. and i met her.she's a pretty malay girl.(That girl is the exact girl I seen in the picture of one blog that i visited before i sleep.). Anyway I didnt fuck ehr cos somehow I dont know how to put on a condom. it keeps slipping up so I said lets just chat only la. we agreed and then i sort of fell in love with her and then somehow I manage to fucked her without protection. and then suddenly. I realised I was fucking the huge black nigga in the movie Green Mile who has grown a cunt.. the dream ended when I came inside him/her." -someone elses unedited dream, someone who has a beatles haircut, promotes nu-skin, thinks im an exception cuz im neat, metaphorizes me as sergeant weeners arm (commercial within the underground scene konon) and offers his number.- its nice to be complimented without having to fish for praise. dont we all thrive when showered with attention. its great to have stimulating conversations which result in nonsense.. i cant think of a better time to use the word hallowed on myself. despite being called cheap because of a simple *muax*. i think im in love. lol. we learn things best when we are unaware of being taught, some of the most valuable lessons are gained this way. you enlightened me too. .: 12:03:00 PM :. im dreaming again, except this time there is no murder and mayhem. thinking about it.. there is a possibility that it may have been a continuation from where i left off in my spiritual wandering state. i was meeting him for the first time. the more i ponder over the details, the more im coming to notice the whole 6th sense of this. there was nothing happy. there were two most prominent scenes and the first was at a food court. me, him and papa were in line to order some glop, it was not western, not chinese, i couldnt determine what that stall was selling but every other hungry person seemed to be impatiently standing in the queue as well. when it was my turn i did not order anything.. just looked around and left. i didnt join my father and him, seems it wasnt a food court but a night market and i started walking around checking out the stalls. how out of the ordinary that i did not immediately go hunting for pirated wares. the second scene consisted of a religious atmosphere. many people were present and there was no racial preferences, the place was like a mosque to say the least.. steep flight of stairs leading to the entrance, the colours were pale and soft.. there was slight dysphoria in the air, the ceilings were high and dome like i assume, everyone was sitting on the floor in small groups formed into circles, i even saw my parents next to each other in another group. i was beside him. throughout the entire dream i cant recall him ever looking in my direction or smiling. then each circle was made to link up by holding hands and i dont know why i felt embarassed i had to take his hand in mine. this part was especially weird because i held his left hand with my left hand and ended up having to take the right hand of the person sitting on my left with right hand, if you could imagine it, i was pretty knotted up. after everyone was holding hands we had to revolve in our respective circles, yes i know my dream is stupid, and while still holding his hand, his grip changes and our fingers become intertwined. thats the climax of intimacy in this dream. i interpret it as many things..mostly negative ones. i had planned to continue with what i thought this all meant but on second thought, itd be a waste of time. .: 12:16:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Oktober 13 :. Steven says: i see lotsa naked women raewbyddet says: haha porn eh S: uuuhhh its weird S: i think so... raewbyddet: whaddya mean u think so!?!??! S: i feel S: those ppl no shame wan S: but that thing is getting big.....i think im sick or something raewbyddet: errr S: i dont understand...i look at them n it grows raewbyddet: WTH are you talking bout S: oh gosh...will it go down? raewbyddet: ROTFLMAO raewbyddet: go wank man S: whats wank? raewbyddet: get it outta ur system S: is it a doctor? raewbyddet: masturbate S: oh no....how am i going to go to class? S: how am i going to pee? raewbyddet: pee into the sky S: but...but....what do i do? how to masturbate?? raewbyddet: first you hold it in the palm of ur hand S: pee into the sky? thats...thats ridiculous raewbyddet: then you move ur hand in a stroking motion raewbyddet: just do whatever feels good S: uh ok let me try S: but will it hurt? S: im scared raewbyddet: i dont think it hurts raewbyddet: even if it does only in a good way ja S: uh let me try S: ah it feels good....but ur lying .... S: its getting bigger n harder raewbyddet: lying about what raewbyddet: LOL S: i dont think it will be soft again S: its all your fault S: oh no....im going to call mom raewbyddet: you have to keep going dude raewbyddet: keep going until it explodes raewbyddet: hahahahaha raewbyddet: like a volcano S: explde???? raewbyddet: then it will be soft S: are you crazy?? S: how am i going to pee then? S: im in trouble n ur making fun raewbyddet: hmm explode as in white stuff comes out of the hole at the tip raewbyddet: same way you piss S: ah....i dont understand but i will try raewbyddet: its called an orgasm S: ok ok raewbyddet: it will make you feel all relieved and satisfied S: aqmXL:ZKJI ZXC ZDf S: sfvcsdf S: oh geez S: what happened???? S: some white stuff came out....but i felt like fainting... S: and its still hard raewbyddet: keep going S: whats this white stuff? S: gee its going down!!!! raewbyddet: its sperm S: thank u thank u!!! S: ah? this is the thing they taught us about in school? raewbyddet: dude im gonna post this on my blog. S: can make babies?? raewbyddet: hahaha hell yea lotsa babies S: uh goodlar....maybe it will help others with the same problem S: dont reveal my name tho .: 6:32:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Oktober 12 :. To kill a spider on the ceiling with a door wedge. a frosty morning would be suitable for a sunny day, thanks to a 22 degrees room temperature. lagging being my normal morning ritual i took what seemed like an eternity to eat breakfast, just to please my father. as we set out, i wasnt too enthusiastic about anything, rubbing sunblock into my skin coaxing myself to believe i will not get tanned by doing so. i did not know of any wetlands over in dengkil, one somewhere in putrajaya yes.. so i just sat back and waited to reach paya indah wetlands. on this rare occasion i had my slr with me. it was not until after approximately 20 shutter clicks that i realized dengkil is not cyberjaya and in no way were the wetlands related to anything remotely cyber-ish. the fact that it is barren and deserted yes but futuristic and modern (is that what cyberjaya is supposed to be like) no. there was plenty to photograph, however given my zoom range and hopelessly misguided project, i ended up taking pictures of empty grounds with some trees or flowers. and of course, prospective furniture examples. quite unexpectedly, the place had a large number of visitors and theres nothing more distracting for me than a lot of nature. the saujana & exploration center stood next to typha lake which had kazillions of teratai or kelipok or something floating on the surface of its calm waters. the place is wonderfully ambient, the dangling plants potted in coconut halves, beautiful outspread ground palms, wooden planks creating a traditional yet enviromental friendly feel with every step. besides the information counter and ticketing booth, there were also many exhibition booths here and a hall showcasing a little about the place and its background, a portion dedicated to tin mining which ipoh/perak people as the cantonese say, "tai tou m tai", roughly translated.. see until dont want to see. a corner of the hall had a specially made water bed kind of floor which was somewhat elevated, the purpose is actually to give visitors a sample of what it would be like to walk on wetland grounds. one of the walls in this area had a lovely blown up photograph of tall rainforest type trees, being taken from a worms eye view looking up into the sky, the sun glowing through the tree tops.. giving a strange depth of perception. it would make nice bedroom wallpaper :) it was useless prolonging time in the shade of this building, inevitably we had to move on to hippo lake. i dont blame the hippos for submerging themselves way out in the middle of the lake where youd be considered lucky to even get a glimpse of their small ears and eyes when they come up for air. the weather had turned increasingly warm, leaving the hippopotamus to their soaking, we entered the commercial precinct where you can waste lots of money on fun fair games, souveniers and even playtex tampons were available. its weird what these store owners choose to display in their fancy glass cabinets. i taught my sisters how to play with some musical frog 'bop's before they ran off to get their faces painted with butterflies. there isnt much to do while waiting, papa challenges me to go against him on the inflatable gladiator joust, my balance was flabbergasting.. a simple breeze wouldve made me fall. and fall i did. after that some other father-son people went up to joust as well. no im not a son. eventually after my aimless venturing accompanied with random snapshots around the crocodile lake, the tram came, we got on and got off at the mtb 1 & courtyard. the main attraction here was photo shoot with a young orang utan whom was apparently smitten with my youngest sibling, and a gorgeous tiger cub the size of a large dog. first time in our lives to ever touch a tiger, luckily for us it was drowsy and passive enough to be petted like a cat, manja sial.. 7 month old dermy rolled over and pawed me, its claws were retracted.. while the cautious stroked its sleek body i was happily playing with its black ears, each marked with a white spot of fur, and tickling its white chin. it made my day. after getting our polaroid photo we walked over to the horse riding ranch, passing the scenic lotus lake on the left and a big transporting truck on the right with the words jabatan pengurusan gajah or something, the other words are inferior, its the word elephant that stood out. i wandered around the horses living quarters, peering into stables made of brick and steel. star shine was being hosed down while golden arrow earned its keep by taking my siblings around on its back. theyre probably all stallions so i should refer to them as he or him. the remaining two were in their stables, theyre huge, im only as tall as his back i think. rocky was particularly ignorant of me, black dust let me touch his snout once before threatening to bite my hand with his big yellow teeth. reminds me of the time island plaza in penang had an equestrian thing going on and there were two ponies the public was permitted to interact with. those did not bite. i was getting restless with my slr when i noticed a very instinctive fantasy coming to life. bd was getting sexually excited for a reason beyond me, and i was contemplating whether or not to use my camera and capture that moment. gas shift had ended in time for lunch and his caretaker was hosing it down, an imprint of the saddle proved how strenous his task is.. just then i noticed the protruding organ, not really erecting but more like just growing up to 6x of what it was. wow. the sadistic keeper sprayed him at that part too, poor ga trotting about in discomfort. and who was it who said cold showers helps get it down. this also made my day. fastforwarding thru the palm world and my lameass attempt to photograph some birds while on a moving tram, manchurian cranes or pelicans i dont know, it would have turned out alright if i did not release the damn shutter when the palm tree occupied the viewfinder. arriving at an isolated station 2, a tamed hornbill stood on its perch welcoming us, as well as a cockatoo and an exotic parrot. i had mistook the hornbill for a wooden carving while on the tram. there were lots of little glass miniatures laid out on a table, a malay man was demonstrating the art of glass blowing.. or rather just melting the glass for show. i think that was the only place i saw any elephants. small glass figurines of elephants. theyre adorable, but i didnt get any. 20 bucks per elephant :( departure was quick after discovering we did not win anything in the lucky draw.. scrutinizing a piece of wood carving about charlie chaplins movie moder times. i missed out the 'n' on purpose because thats what the carving did. who the heck is gonna buy that. stopped by at a small aquarium shop and bought RM2 worth of fish food, in this case meaning little fishes. at least now my tigerbarb wont have to deal with loneliness. theres a lot more to this tale that im too lazy to continue about, like the black hen and her ebony chicks excluding one light yellow offspring, raspberry ripple ice-cream and sore feet. .: 2:04:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Oktober 11 :.
ominous adj 1: threatening or foreshadowing evil or tragic developments; "a baleful look"; "forbidding thunderclouds"; "his tone became menacing"; "ominous rumblings of discontent"; "sinister storm clouds"; "a sinister smile"; "his threatening behavior"; "ugly black clouds"; "the situation became ugly" [syn: baleful, forbidding, menacing, minacious, minatory, sinister, threatening, ugly] 2: presaging ill-fortune; "ill omens"; "ill predictions"; "a dead and ominous silence prevailed". .: 1:48:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Oktober 10 :. a lot has happened since my last post. yes it was only yesterday but still... i attended the meeting which had already started without me, repetitive issues were discussed as usual while i sat quietly until i was spoken to. our financial situation is shit. the only interesting thing about this particular gathering is that we got something special thru post. although it was not specified if the letter was meant for the newsletter or yearbook division, its contents were out of the ordinary. or should i say.. out of a movie? addressed to SPB on the envelope, stained with an oily substance yet to be determined, inside there was a single sheet of paper about half an a4 size, painted light red with watercolour over writing made with a red candle, stating two words; "i know". know what? okay so i did not actually see the damn thing, just heard it being described by a member of the student representative council. this is so-called confidential information and they decided to keep it from us since months ago. well their own let the cat out of the bag, so stop me from telling the whole world. we had some Herbal later, the best i have had so far. it seems the mixture and portions play an important role when it comes to self-made concoctions. although i have yet to experience the effects of these herbs with papaya leaves and etc (there appears to be a mango blend as well i recently found out), must be sensational compared to the ones i have tried. yet as plain as it might have been, last nights was so smooth that it left no discomfort at the back of the throat or foul taste on the tongue. and it really went to my head. i remained stoned throughout the night and stayed that way for the rest of the day.. drained of energy in the morning, made it almost suicide to walk under noon rays while filling my lungs with air at the same time. papa always told me its not possible to do more than two things at once. i go for magic class. magic = maya. learned refractions and other details about lighting, textures, material, shader lalalala i can go on and on with jargon i dont fully comprehend. my collection of pink floppy diskettes is growing, one i wrongly claimed as mine in vision art, one i found abandoned in a floppy drive of one of the sgis in my id lab, and today one from cheryl. she wanted to give me both the pinks in her new box of disks, but changed one to green instead. i still like the imation see-thru fluorescent ones best. somehow someway i managed to sit there for over two hours (ok i dozed off countless times while the dude was giving his lecture) and get my alarm clock approved for modelling. then we finally had some food in us before taking a long walk to aid digestion. nah to go home actually. on the way we light up some cigs and she tells me what she blogged about before i went scooping soil with a yoghurt cup. there isnt much to do at my place, i let her use the pc while i transplant some cacti. now you know what the soil is for. the film appreciation team is getting a tad over enthusiastic, if only i lived on campus like i used to. receiving a message informing me about the screening of charlie chaplins modern times, i didnt need to think twice about going. cheryl decided to pass. she accompanied me to collect my free gift which turned out to be a scam, i knew it the moment i handed in the survey form for better internet access and the indian lady tells me i have to come for their function at 7:30pm to get it in the neighbouring mph. thats probably the only way they could get anyone to attend, given our mentality that welcomes all things f.o.c. i didnt bother to stay there and wait for whatever lucky draw they were having, even though we both felt at a loss since they prepared refreshments which were laid out on a long table at the back of the hall, a row of elegant cake boxes. ah hell with em, we dont need the calories. splitting paths about halfway, i arrived at the fa studio once again. the turn out had deteriorated from tuesdays no mans land screening. modern times was fine, black and white with minimum speech. real classical. a man from california had also joined us in viewing the silent comedy, little did i know he was a lecturer of fractals (dont let math scare you he says.. math doesnt scare, it slaughters) for the faculty of management. only after the film had ended did he begin revealing things which awed me. sort of like a younger, more comical version of professor woods this guy, forgive me for i still do not know his name. its no wonder we idolize the west so much, for we are missing out on a great deal, no matter how hard we try to catch up.. we are still far behind them. he speaks of the movies and their past from a century ago, the famous classics and people who materialized them, i hardly knew what he was talking about for lack of knowledge in that field.. it just went on and on.. he even brought up the waltz and swing, dances which are not accustomed to our culture, sad isnt it.. to know our own heritage is dying because we are too bloody ignorant of it, while he thinks highly of this soon to be extinct form of art our own people snicker at, thinking its out of date and such. i was most intrigued by his mention of medieval fairs and elizabethian festivals, for i had no idea the caucasians wore costumes for anything other than masquerades and halloween. he provoked the suggestion of organizing such an affair locally, perhaps revive the ancient malacca time era.. i could not see it happening. i am extracting memories in hope to gain a flicker of something we malaysians have to counter their wondrous events and social activities which range beyond nightclubs and gigs... blank. he mentioned mark twain and for some stupid reason i said huckleberry finn in the time he took to recall works by that famous writer, thank goodness i managed to answer oliver twist before he got it first. or have i confused it with charles dickens. argh the humiliation of being a dumb smartass. its refreshing to gain insight from well learned individuals, for now i could only imagine what it would be like to be squeezed into a corset with a wireframe to support the layers of dress.. i do not even know how it feels to be strangled by a cheong sam, i regret to know where my loyalties stand. timing seems perfect as the future owner of my cactus in a jam jar calls and i go to the intended meeting place only to spend lengthy minutes with blur and co. it still surprises me that they know my name and stuff, the band leader even greets me personally. its all too weird and i wish i cared not. blur invites me along for a belgian movie at gsc, i did not mind the company as much as the fact i am expecting my family over the weekend. the nokia rings and someone noone likes asks me for a favour. can i leave my puppy at your place? huh? details follow and i say okay. then the catch comes. my puppy has diarrhea. can put it in the bathroom? err if youre cleaning up, yea. then after some consideration during the long walk back in the middle of the night, i changed my mind and followed blurs advice, lie. its more of an excuse than a lie. calculating class hours i figured the puppy would be in my bathroom for over 5 hours, what if it starts whining or yelping. pets arent allowed in condos. it was one thing getting rid of herbal scent, now canine poop? i think ill pass. .: 8:55:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Oktober 9 :. a buzzing insect tried to crawl into my ear just as i was drifting off, i could feel its desperate wings tickling the insides of my sensitive hearing aid. i was repelled. i couldve sworn the bothersome bug had went in and was stuck. after thorough checking however i confirmed it was gone. i have been taught the art of extracting insects from the ear, however not as big as the one i encountered. theyre said to come out willingly if you shine light in with a torchlight or whatever. either that or you can fill your ear with water and the damn thing will float out. could it have been paranoia after sitting in the living room watching them fly in, attracted by the bright light, writhing on the ground and drowning in the aquarium.. it might have just been strands of my hair. too tired to see if it was hiding beneath my covers or pillows i went back to bed feeling like it had alerted its friends and they were starting to irritate me on my arm, neck.. the mind is a funny thing, how it plays games on me when im not up for it at all. i ended up sleeping with a smothering pillow. lack of air surely made my sleep insatiable.. so stoned i was not even able to utter a coherent word when answering the phone. i made some cute noises instead (this is what the person said, not me). hell.. before i knew it, the alarm rings and its time to make my daily journey to a learning institution i give good money for half its worth. existentialism. n. philosophy that puts you to sleep (synonym: lullaby) now i have to fulfill my responsibilities as a committee member of the publication board -yes how much nerdier can i get- and hike up there again. perhaps things will improve after the sun has left the sky, for i received word we are doing Herbal again tonight. .: 3:58:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Oktober 8 :. turns out i wasnt up for any pleasure except that of dreamless sleep. i just learned how to play the bass bit of dmbs crash into me. and im a fast learner compared to some communist dick with the same surname as me. thanks to steven and his persistence in teaching. it was bad enough my guitars 3rd string broke sometime while i was sleeping last night, and he could still play it like nothing was missing, then the second string broke and he still managed to make music with what was left. i see him happiest with a guitar, he will strum something and have this proud grin on his face. i dont know why he puts himself down so much. the dude is amazing on the guitar. reading this will put him in a state of bliss *smile*. i found out that i can slip off my fishfood bracelet during lunch. yea someone commented that it looks like fishfood. kinda big though if you ask me. its my first time eating with the japanese student in my batch. she even made conversation with me, when all this while i thought i did not exist in her world. hahaha.. now i sound like an attention seeking lesbian. philosophy classes always fuel long out of classroom discussions, its gonna be havoc now that bandurs started attending the lectures. what with his habit of harassing the muslims on their religious forum boards and detecting flaws in their religion that has summat evolved from the original teachings of the quran. i also held the holy book yesterday. till then i always thought i was not allowed to do so.. it felt awkward to be flipping thru it with the back resting on my left palm and a lighted red in between the fingers on the right hand. so i put it back where it was. it made me feel impure. between steven and me, we incinerated 18 lights under three hours. talk about religion and god just go round and round the mulberry bush, noone is 100% sure of anything, noone really knows what is for sure and what is not. but there is an advantage to being an agnostic, heathen, pagan whatever you want to call me. a pretentious buddhist perhaps? the plus side of being a free-thinker is: i do not fear death. i do not dwell on what would become of me, my soul or spirit after the last pulse is spent on my physical being. i do not repent 'sins' in worry of judgement day.. as far as i am concerned i would expect nothing more than being stuck in purgatory after life. as steven quoted a female pastor -i have yet to see one of these- if an angel appears before you with a pail of water in one hand and a burning torch in the other, you question their purpose and it answers; i am going to extinguish the flames of hell, and set fire to all of heaven.. how would you react then? right after typing that i realize how pointless i am and once again ive succumbed to the neverending argument of belief. we were also introduced to herd mentality which really put a smirk on my face, coincidentally jon asked steven about my social circle, in simpler terms who do i hang out with.. i would say im like a bee flying from flower to flower collecting err.. pollenating would be a more suitable word. reminding me of one weird encounter i had with my lecturer; him: are you okay? me: yea im just cold (it freezes just being in the e-theatre) him: maybe you should sit in a group or something. share some body heat. wtf. i cant remember exactly but it was definitely in reference of my sitting alone. okay so i dont have a warm cozy herd to snuggle up with. is it that abnormal? .: 12:59:00 AM :. .: Montag, Oktober 7 :. so i didnt go near the pool. i went to bandurs place instead. did a little grocery shopping before going there, actually i just got him a bottle of milk. and i got myself fries. that could possibly be one of the places i call home. they gave up their last two reds for me and while noone remembered to save any of the specially imported bangladeshi cigs, i had to do without. i did get something else however, which i had a sneak preview of on bandurs webcam, these colourful stone-like beads. they looked much better on the cam. the moment i opened the package and before i could absorb the vibrant pink of my souvenier, he tied it in a dead knot on my left wrist. im still grasping the fact i have a string of tiny marshmallows on me. while im doing that he makes me turn around and puts on another around my neck. i cant take it off because id have to cut it or damage it some other way. it would look great on my blog, alternating pink and red spheres :P he looked me in the eye and asked if i like them. the bracelet thing and the other is a brown version like mudballs strung together to make a necklace. i didnt reply fast enough. pink is so distracting! he insists it suits me and my skin colour and looks nice. right. so they let me devour the last quarter of an onion chilli omelette while pointing out their favourite models in some of their local magazines. bandurs is really picky with his chicks. i told him they all look the same to me, they retorted that chinese look all the same to them. shutted me up. i had to go home, its getting dark. i told him i liked his personally chosen gifts. now i will have to wear it until it falls off. or become anorexic. whichever comes first.  Take the What Kind of Chinese Food Are You? test! on the way home i meet the most unlikely companion, a malay girl approaches me then we make small talk all the back home. she didnt want to walk alone i guess. made me forget to stop to get nicotine. post-after glow and im scheming a numerical project of tanah air sorts. procrastination will lead it nowhere. jon y!messages me and asks if im up for some weed. how can anyone turn down an offer like that down. steven is having the flu, i decide to make him some macaroni and cheese which he ate none of, he promised to bring a copy of the dark water vcd over but forgot about it. jon and me puff away on hastily rolled cylinders, steven plays the guitar. he plays it really well. ive made a habit out of using beverage cartons as ashtrays. ashbox actually. after a boost of malboro lights jon was unusually talkative and happy. i was withdrawn yet smiled at everything and nothing. people discuss the oddest of topics in such a state.. singing alternate versions of nirvanas smells like teen spirit, reasons to turn down a threesome with your girlfriend and her girlfriend, yes bisexuality, fish and aquariums; does anyone know the origin of goldfish? their short lifespan being ridiculed into dinners of wan tan kam yu, revivals of past accidental walking into glass doors, the reaction of that impact blown out of proportion to the extent of earthquakes, lava lamps and luminglas. squabbling over the second last of remaining lights. time spent can be so careless. before leaving my all time favourite dave matthews song is strummed.. i wanted to sing along but the words eluded me. if i had a digicam i could take pictures of people and things. like my blog matching beads. or my sesame street pillow case. or the spectacular sunsets i admire from the balcony. my pet snakes while theyre still low-spirited after being left under running water. i need to get a roll of colour film for my slr and get started on my furniture making assignment. decided to type a few sentences before indulging in some carnal pleasures before going to sleep, parts of me are aching with unthinkable reason, maybe an after effect from earlier activity.. while my head is blank and i can slip away from the addictive glow of this screen, id better do so.. just a word of thanks to the stranger who donated 1 act of cunnilingus to me with the message; Love it. .: 10:42:00 AM :. i deliberately overslept to miss this mornings class. the standard sms alert on my phone woke me up and told me i was expecting company. i have made my nokia a bedmate since last year.. just in case someone decides to call me up in the middle of the night. "do you have birds in your house?" sigh. so this person comes over about an hour later. im struggling to figure out if im wearing my tee inside out, and after letting him in i go back to sprawling on my bed while he decides to reposition a loose parquet piece on my bedroom floor, splitting his pants in the process. yes it is hysterical but i managed to control my sadistic laughter by respecting the solemn embarassment on his face. just like i had to bear with sitting next to my friend who was cursing in fear on the 180 degrees ride at sunway lagoon. children were giggling at him. i was probably more humiliated than he was since hes so busy confronting the phobia. he acted like a cat threatened to be dumped into a barrel of water. back to the situation, he asked me if i had anything baggy he could wear and to my relief no i did not have anything that would fit him. then again he did not try but heck, at least now i dont feel as traumatized by being compared to renee in bridget jones diary and other babak related shietz. everything is like a sign, with eds initial amplification of my inner voice telling me to get away from the computer and go outside.. to miguels harsh pep talk about growing old in virtual reality while my youth passes me by. there just isnt anyone who whines then allows you to whine back, while you play the stupid supportive consoling roles, they respond to your empathy with cruel indifference.. leaving a lot of face smudging to be done. i guess i cant handle the truth. all the same it hurts. see that elephant plushie? its like a crossbred between E and eB. i miss e so much. i always had the surreal ambition of reuniting these two who have never met. the intention is there, just cant seem to get any action going. i like that elephant plushie. and dont tell me its because his trunk looks like a schlong. cuz its not. i dont have a fetish for beanie babies or soft toys either, particularly not the huge ones like patrick the red dog. you see him everywhere. i like things that tell you its the thought that counts.. even so ive never successfully managed the 'thought' bit. i wish someone would buy me one of those RM9.90 beige teddy bears from ikea. just for the fun of it. it means a lot when you can look at a belonging and classify it as a gift from someone else, rather than some self-pampering stint. i am so prone to shit like this. makes me feel like im having teenage angst and merely started enduring pubescent woes. something tells me i was meant to be a geeky nerd and not a slutty temptress. i almost forgot to mention that while accompanying my previously mentioned pant ripper, he took me to see our universitys "green room". the tear was not noticable luckily for him but i couldnt stop laughing because he kept cracking jokes about it. so it turns out we do have one, not for the students though. i would hardly call it a room. my fingers are freezing up and the lab is deserted with me being an exception. i should go before all this talk of swimming goes to my head and i drown myself in the pool. .: 2:30:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Oktober 6 :. i am broken. meaningless conversations are usually the best ones, we talk, we jest, we say goodbye. sometimes they dont even consist of sentences, just made up words like muax. yea i know. im really pathetic. thats okay. at least im not in denial about it. i cant think right, so ill just sum up my day. i spent over 9 straight hours online. i saw the same people coming and going, on and off. i take a shower. and im back here again. i had someone offer to buy me a dildo. i argued for a wombat. i had the same someone recommend a gift of lingerie instead. i gave in and agreed. why would i want a dildo, it doesnt throb. it doesnt move unless i make it. hmm the pros and cons of having a man attached. i almost wanted to go somewhere today. to see someone ive known for years now, and get laid. i couldve gone by plane, left this miserable place and let it all go. but i didnt. it wasnt about emotional baggage this time. i lack the self-esteem thats lying at the bottom beneath all the crap. i dont have the guts to invite someone over and screw their brains out. for those of you who know me for who i really am, yes i agree that im not particularly the kind of female that arouses anything. maybe id get lucky with a dog. just a few days back i sent a bluemountain card to my pillow, my sixth sense tells me he does not feel the same about me as he did four years ago. who can blame him. 50 months is a very long time. i could have given birth to 1/3 of a football team. i dont know how many players are there in a team. i think ive lost him. maybe he found out what i look like. i think ive lost myself. my need to belong has gone haywire. i forgot where i found that 'i have no life' clique. i think ill join the 'homework sucks' one as well since ive granted myself two weeks of nothingness to brood and absorb radiation from my 17" flatscreen monitor. i dont want to go to school tomorrow. or ever. my lungs need blackening. sigh. this calls for an orgasm. .: 8:41:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Oktober 4 :. You have won 10,000 NeoPoints! You also win an Evil Muffin!  as there seems to be nothing much worth to lament this wet saturday morning, hmm i swore i woke up at noon.. it is about time i restored some normality into my expression of thought i suppose and be like pretty much everyone else, get straight to the point. i am not here to entertain or crack jokes for the sake of who reads me, despite the anonymity i have chosen to retain (and am trying to maintain), i have invited a good few people irl to this sacred place of truth. i do not lie here, unless i clearly state otherwise.. there are a lot of metaphors i admit, sentences would be too naked without them. i allow confusion and mystique to dominate, as well as a lot of voices that are only audible in my head and not whispered from chapped lips. this is what i look like on the inside. this is what i am. there are things i type you could never get me to say face to face with another human being. maybe i would even go into denial about it. im smirking at myself as to why i need explain this, for my own contentment i guess. as recent surveys show, visitors get me wrong due to my inability to hold their attention, no doubt this isnt a page turner.. but yes it is laughable that i get feedback when they merely read through half-way or filtered out the interesting words. i do not speak for all of you of course, i respect your decision to stay silent in the midst of my handmade commotion. i care not how this reveals me to be in your mind, nor what judgemental remarks are implied, we are not beings of perfection and you most certainly are not divine. so i pull the plug of the bathtub i call life, watching the liquid swirl in dire need to escape.. carrying on its strong current, wisps and hills of foamy bubbles. somehow what lies on the very bottom is done with first, like a chilled beverage with whipped cream. stick the straw in, stir it up a bit, and you drink what there is to drink until its level becomes alarmingly low and only then do you taste the whipped cream. im lost to the meaning of my own revelation. i am however reminded i still have cookies and cream flavoured ice-cream in my freezer :) in the past week or so, my Yahoo! online presence indicator received a lot of attention, in return giving me multiple surprises. among the crowd that swamped me was pikeydude - you must add him if you want live traffic updates, a shockingly artistic holden i wish would make more appearances so i could out-doodle him, hehehe, that was when my purple pink octopus was born.. (speaking of purple pink; i have decided to forfeit the creation of a ring for reasons i will not list here) cindy dropped by to say hi as well; she is the only one who took the trouble to parent me on blogtree, while some really are my parent blogs.. the rest are just for the sake of linking back since they dont allow us to proclaim our own siblings without certified parents. jo5 made me her second existing yahooligan. i dont think i am much of a conversationalist. okay i exaggerated about being swamped by a crowd. but there is more over on ICQ. she has to be the very first to add me then not say anything. weird. somehow i think members of the opposite sex have better chats than those of the same gender. uhm, provided theyre straight.. then because i absolutely could not figure out Qboard i exchanged uins with cris solis; hes a nice guy and any female ravers looking for their soulmate should really just hop into this ones lap, wtf did i just type. he is also the only person i know who would be so kind as to deliver some large fries all the way here where i live in the middle of nowhere. hmm rewind, i forgot that i approached raksaksa once upon a time ago and he was so nice, is so nice, i wish i could give him a sammi cheng clone for christmas. or some japanese porn star also can. ok ok any pretty ah lian will do. lol. i add most people on icq since i do not reveal my uin, since holden prefers icq he gets a spot there as well -too bad there is no doodle on icq-. i also took the liberty of adding jem but have never seen him online except for once while he was in class and could only spare me a few words. then yesterday i had a tae kwon do trainee, whom i could not out-flex(ible) call me babaks. i had incredibly mixed feelings about it and if you dont know what the word means i am not telling you and if you do know id be glad if you just keep it to yourself. heck no it does not mean badak.. even though its kind of related *whimpers* just because i was sitting in front of the pc with socks and a suggestion of pigtails were made, i should stop myself before i end up deleting the whole paragraph for obscene content. ah on the other hand while all this was happening and had happened, i added ed upon request. i wouldnt know what to summarize of the two hour intensive dialogue i had with him, but it sorta ended on a note like "can i post in my blog and tell the world what u do and how cool u are?" those were his actual words and yes he is just like he is in the blog aside from the fact i am just another gullible pony who has fallen victim to his delusional personality and appearance. again his words. "u laugh alot.in icq. ure like a polar opposite of what u are in the blog sometimes. u know the sucidalish chic who claims to be a manical depressive, goth" aww im a poseur! hehe, anywayz i hope he does not notice i blogged about him and i dont know if ill be seeing myself reviewed over on his, keeping my fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong. i leave you now with a discussion about fried chicken.. cuz the longer i blog while chatting, the more there is to blog about it seems.. raewbyddet says: eh go bathe laa, time to cook lunch. am i right? My nose is bleeding says: yeah Mnib: can u cook it for me? raewbyddet: okay raewbyddet: i cook maggi mee raewbyddet: lol Mnib: no lar Mnib: goreng ayam bole? raewbyddet: hmm ade ayam? raewbyddet: ade tepung? raewbyddet: ade telur? raewbyddet: ade minyak masak? raewbyddet: buley jugak Mnib: hehehe Mnib: ade2 Mnib: telur untuk aper? raewbyddet: laa raewbyddet: how the flour gonna stick to the chicken without eggs? raewbyddet: eggs is the gum of cooking man! remember i said that! LOL Mnib: heheh Mnib: yeah raewbyddet: hahahahaha Mnib: i guna kunyit la raewbyddet: but if you marinated the chicken already then biar aa Mnib: u selalu guna telur yea? raewbyddet: eh tak la Mnib: that's a good idea raewbyddet says: macam laa ku ade goreng ayam kat sini Mnib: i nak try Mnib: kalau tak sedap siap u raewbyddet: AHHAHAHAHAHHAa raewbyddet: oh damn raewbyddet: err sayang jgn selaput byk sangat Mnib: i dont care raewbyddet: sket je cukup Mnib: u've just passed me the idea Mnib: tak sedap siap u raewbyddet: you got one of those cooking brushes? Mnib: yes raewbyddet: you beat the egg, the you brush the chicken with it raewbyddet: then roll it around in the flour Mnib: oh yeah Mnib: good good raewbyddet: hahahahahahahhaahah gee i hope it tastes ok Mnib: rotflol raewbyddet says: not floor ya flour hahahaha like i really know how to fry  ! .: 9:14:00 PM :.
Words have a life;
without response they die. - Russell Hoban - ever woke up with stagnant water trapped in the cuping of your ear? neither have i. however i do know if you cry while lying on your back, the tears will roll down over your temples and somehow detour into your ear. we obviously were not made to shed our sorrows while sleeping like a dead body in the morgue. at least (i assume) when not living, the cause for misery would cease to have control of emotions. i have never had a significant other. would not know what to do with one; other than fulfill some rather explicit desires *clears throat* yea that, you read my mind. my insecurities are a pestilence... my impatience mild. its bringing myself up believing that, by not having any expectations there will be no disappointments. how do we not expect things, the suspense of anticipation could drive one to the brink of madness. not only that, it destroys disillusionment and puts silly thoughts in replacement of the things you knew would never happen. the mundane fairytale with happily ever after endings. how oft have i seen it in reality, like a politically correct version.. great expectations with minor let downs. those we term 'people who have everything' yet want more. some things you look forward to inevitably. the phone rings, you wonder who is the caller. at least on normal house phones, you wont know who it is until you answer the call. blasted mobile phones and their phone books tell all the moment you lay your eyes on the screen. then the appropriate reaction is assigned to the indentity of the caller, you dread, you smile, you switch it off, you dance to the ringtone -i cannot imagine anyone doing that-. but it is not over yet.. your heart skips a beat. you say 'hello' into the receiver. your heart sinks. life plays such cruel jokes on us. i could almost hear it giggling. so it turns out to be far from who i was hoping it would be. who my trusty directory told me it would be. i should have known better than to expect anything. but in this case, i didnt want to. i just fell prey to lifes random sadism. id like to do an autopsy on my wanderlust heart, to know what secrets it keeps from me. after i squeeze the last breath out of it of course. i am devoid of wit and inventiveness.. of pity or of pride. i am a victim to the manifestation of grief and lethargy be my unwelcomed companion. i bleed from gauze staining wounds, and am hurt by self-inflicted undoings. perhaps i have but forgotten how to fly, i rather will that someone stole them wings. .: 2:26:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Oktober 2 :. Happy Caramel Month what is it that they say about the best friend you could ever have; is the one who sits on a swing with you for hours without a word, and you leave feeling like you just had a great conversation? i might give such an illusion for reluctance of speech, stop bugging me why im so quiet already. im not sure whether i have such a being in my life. when you start needing someone, i bet it tells a lot about how much that person means to you.
even in an ocean or seas of clear salt fail, for does a swans black legs not stay black despite hour after hour of laying them in the flood? why dost we kneel to stare upon reflections with streaked cheeks like a meadow after torrential rain. i love shakespearean english. its a beautiful expression. hard to catch but given our intelligence these days.. we should go back to talking like that. at least we wouldnt be half as dim-witted as we are now. such deviousness from a boneless piece of flesh throbbing with blood, without the tongue we speak none. a tragedy it would be indeed. sitting in a hall full of students, attentive, lost, intrigued, bored, who is to say each and every one does not have a mind of their own. given the right circumstances and stripped of a decaying stereotype lifestyle, makes me wonder if there is a profound thought trapped somewhere beneath the lashings of skin and bone. we should not discuss religion. practice it by all means but justify it? no. who is to say there is or is no God. who is to decide how you should worship what you believe. an endless and fruitless quest it is to embark on the journey of enlightenment about such things. our mortal expiry date is too close to be spending time on solving where we will go after death, what will happen to us then. or are we living this life in preparation for the maiden voyage to a place not as earthly as here? bits and pieces start falling in place, like autumn the myriad of warm coloured leaves float gently to cover every inch of the cold ground. just when i vowed to continue and finish tolkiens masterpiece, blur lends me an antique will durant to prioritize. i accidentally rip off the cover by dropping the book on the floor. no worries a little glue will make things better. dont you wish more things were that simple to fix. i leave sven and juin to spend a little time online, log out of cyberspace because ive absolutely nothing to do there and meet them both again. join them and their friends for lunch, chinese guys = chinese food. yay. somehow i get involved with their passion for independent film-making. first copywriting, now scriptwriting. yea, like my english really kicks ass. i dont mind though, its an honour to be at a respectable level with them, even more so since the only things i do best are seen as beneficial to them. all i know is that they are good people to be acquainted with. manage to pester juin into treating me a huge mug of orange juice *grins* before this we had spent an hour talking cock. the owners of the film appreciation crew got my user end feedback about their promotional website. i seem to both bemuse and amuse them with my spoken language and dialects, launching into family history and background while they try to grasp my parents intent on teaching different languages to me and my sisters. we proceed to the e-theatre for a screening of an independent essay film by amir muhammad, who was also present in the small crowd that turned up for the viewing. 6horts comprises six shorts, each very malaysian and easy to relate to, it begins on a stolen morning and ends on a busy petaling street night. controversial topics are bared for all to see as the director graciously entices the audience with content that would hardly make it past the local censorship board.. i shant delve any deeper into that but save it for the place where capitalization and apostrophes exists in my typing. .: 3:22:00 AM :. |
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