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.: Dienstag, Dezember 31 :. fell into a stoned sleep after i finished up the work i had to do and gave it to the person it concerned. he taught me about this other way you could smoke that would be more effective in getting you up there.. makes a lot of sense. this stuff shows obvious signs that youre feeling it, theres no way to hide it. but whos bothered? puts me to sleep almost instantly. here is something most of you might be interested in, i read some but didnt finish. perhaps another day. i didnt wake up for the first class but attended the second. something told me to just forget about going to school today but i ignored it. because if i dont go for class id be regretting the fact i didnt follow juin to penang.. assuming he wouldve allowed me to tag along. ah the shittiness of it all. and yes i made a fool out of myself in law class, triggering everyones funny bone.. i had forgotten to mention that last thursday i fell on my knees and broke my kneecap. nah i didnt break anything but got myself another ugly bruise which is still right where it was morping colours and encouraging people to ask what happened followed by the merciless laughter of knowing. that is of course about to be a last year incident and i hope it does not get carried forward, those bruises look like a disease on me. leper-ish. the rest of the day i spent hanging out at sadis place, watching as they packed up their belongings to move off campus. i didnt go home because it was too sunny. so instead i wasted my day there, with them.. helping out and enjoying the rides i got in munnas pajero. this was originally supposed to be a very emotional post. because i delayed the writing its just plain old recollection. sadi preached in the afternoon about things i would have kicked his nuts about. its never wise to think you know someone well enough to actually try dissecting their being, or guessing the reason they do things which do not agree with you. and just because i keep an online journal does not necessarily mean you can read me like an open book.. if you can read me at all. .: 5:25:00 AM :. .: Montag, Dezember 30 :. PIGERICKS There was a young pig whose delight Was to follow the moths in their flight. He entrapped them in nets, Then admired his pets As they danced on the ceiling at night. There was a young pig from Racine Whose botanical interests were keen. He planted a sock In a bright window box, Where it blossomed and sprouted a bean There was a poor pig on the street, In the dustbin found tidbits to eat. Though his hot garbage stew Smelled exactly like glue, He declared that its taste was a treat. There was a young pig who, in bed, Nightly slumbered with eggs on his head When the sun at its rise Made him open his eyes, He enjoyed them for breakfast in bed. rare it is that i fight my own laziness and struggle to appear in class on time, this morning was no difference except i did go; better late than never. drawing lines with a white pencil on sugar paper, i dreaded the presentation but was a little too happy with what i had finished on text world. i laughed myself to sleep in the morning because of that. its uncommon that i ever finish work in such short notice, but im glad i stayed on for the afternoon session because otherwise id have to ta pau back home and do it overnight. its weird but i think my major has something to do with game design as well, makes me re-evaluate how horribly wrong i was to have just settled down with this and now seemingly dread or regret it. do we have mouse trap games here? it looks like fun, pretty well thought out with its little miniature mechanism chain reaction devices. the happy people asked me why am i so happy all the time. happy? why do i smile a lot? omfg im turning into one of them.. i had meant to reward myself by going to bed early and just forget about the new assignment sheet they handed out earlier with 6 tasks all due in a week... which i cant really afford to do since i promised to help someone out with his case studies. i shall have to get started on that soon enough. then to bed. .: 7:28:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Dezember 29 :.  The ripest peach is highest on the tree.
- James Whitcomb Riley - he is going to new york. i just read his lenghty farewell e-mail, and whoa.. my name was in it. hmm, considering the amount of people who were also acknowledged, its not that big a deal. but still. aww. i cant forget ice. we are so much alike.. except that he went out and did things while i just bummed around and felt them. its a good thing he went too because i know what it feels like to be stuck here. just like its a good thing the little one is moving on drastically, ive always aspired to do stuff like that, but when the opportunity comes along i dont believe i would budge from where i am right now. its petrifying for me, i would understand if i ended up all alone. sitting in the bathroom doing nothing. looking at my collection of soaps and shampoos, all those strung out strands of dna lying scattered on the tiles. i went for blurs open house over at d'melor. his parents furnished up the apartment so nicely, its absolutely gorgeous. and it has plants everywhere. the things we people do and go through for a free meal. i was forced to go over to sadis because i had all this online research i could not do thanks to the abscence of any internet connection where i reside. stupid shit. you know that saying reach for the stars? its never meant a thing to me. now it sorta does. .: 4:11:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Dezember 27 :. ended up waiting and waiting and waiting before we got to dig in. i ate for 6. since the guests came so late, they had to go soon.. we walked them out to their car for a bonus ciggie break. jun started making a move on me like im a prostitute waiting for customers. bloody hell. at this point i was so stuffed with yummyyumyums, sheral went on a sms marathon and we ended up watching dude wheres my car. again. shibby dude. su-ke-no! thats supposed to mean sweet in japanese. i think. after my dosage of ribena, we went to bed. together >:) drives the men wild *smirk* i woke up in the middle of the night, or morning if you would.. and managed to make out the silhouette of someone at the pc. i found out much later that this person was wanking. to god knows what. hmm. because i had to go back in time for german class, i left with her company to eat at a mamak stall. no ipoh is not that small a town compared to the conditions of gombak. maybe gerik (or is it grik) could beat it. the waitress was so stoned she got all my orders wrong.. then when sheral went to pay, this malay man (man as in probably married, formally dressed, drives perdana with special number plate) sends his friend inside to settle the bill. i heard him say he will wait in the car but instead, he walked over to my table and gave me his card, saying i can call him if i want. he repeated it a couple of times.. i was completely lost for words. probably gave off the impression im mute. i dont know what just happened. but i was blushing like hell according to sheral. to call or not to call.. that is the question. blek. how flattering. deutsche class was a bomb, with a malaysian and palestinian at war. i usually could not care less if the teacher sucks, but this one cannot speak english for peanuts. im still going to continue with it though.. simply because i like it. reciting the german alphabet and numbers also proved rather amusing. yes its all good, i just need to be diligent on my own about it. sven invited me to join in the lantern making class.. not just any plain old lantern mind you. the kind that floats up into the sky all lit up and freakishly paranormal. since i was already there i tagged along, bitching about the horrible first german class i had attended as i went about. the class was incredibly jovial, i guess i made the most noise seeing as how i dont really speak mandarin so well and cant understand a word if youre too fluent with those words on your tongue.. laughing is a good way to burn calories. we finished our extra special lantern with safety parachute courtesy of the foe guy, wont get to fly it until 22nd january.. assuming it will fly. today i put the little black koi into the pot of water half filled with lily pads and tried to get rid of all the tiny snails throwing their pre-new year bash. do you think 3G a month is sufficient for me and my internet addiction? i sure hope so. broadband is no longer on the house.. i have to pay yet another bill in this high cost living quarters :( my childhood friend just got off the phone with me so i guess she aint pissed with me anymore. perhaps i should call and find out what that malay dudes intentions were.. waterfish? sugar daddy? curiosity kills me. at least i dont get all worked up when people start whispering in front of me. i cant stand it when strangers start staring though. one day i just might take action and stab those eyes out. .: 6:54:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Dezember 25 :. Tagesgericht left out the part where person-whom-noone-gets-along-with stopped me while i was looking for my ethics classroom, just to rub in the fact i was not around when she called to invite me for the dunhill launch at kl towers. judging by the few million (or was it billion.. nah) they spent to organize the event, its no wonder there was free flowing wine of four colours to match the theme, a grandeur of chocolates and finger food.. plus of course the inevitable drunken crowd that was present with their exclusive invites. bah humbug. i met up with sheral at the heart of town, where she promptly bought two boxes of bright auburn hairdye (which i marinated her head with before midnight mass) before we set off to where the party was. her house. the hours that followed were hectic, cleaning and changing cushion covers while trying to get her pet poodle to stop sniffing and attempting to hump me. if my name was mary, spike would be my lamb. she lied about the roast lamb, there wasnt any. supper made my debut to her bonk buddy whom as the story unfolds pops the question if he could do me. i was forced to wish every merry christmas and appear holy. imho. sleep didnt quite agree with me, probably because i gluttoned and not the fact denggi was amok in the area nor the paranoia of bed bugs which attacked me the last time i slept over at her place. then it was disturbed by an almost threesome on the phone. we woke up past noon and prepared ourselves to go carolling. lol, no.. we went for lunch at a family friends new house. the food was great. turkey with cranberry sauce, right out of a thanksgiving dinner kind of menu. we sipped rouge wine while the elders were watching, then gulped when they werent. turned pink for a while and people thought we were intoxicated. got home and out of uncomfortable semi-formal clothing which did not belong to me and raped the dog. jk about the latter. barely managed to lay back and relax when she had to go help prepare everything for the nights open house. and here i am kicking darigan troops ass in a very lame try to get promoted from the current label of meridell herald (ugh), collecting my prizes from the terror mountains and wondering if i will make it home alive tonight... .: 2:04:00 AM :. .: Montag, Dezember 23 :.  its christmas eve. just the night before, my sister found limmy lime on the world wide web.. so here it is for all to feast their eyes upon. i am rather in a hurry to get somewhere so ill have to keep things short and sweet. law is a really boring subject. its nice to have friends who dont leave you to sit all alone in front of class to die of boredom. bumped into a long lost childhood friend. as for the one ive been mentioning, shes definitely turned up her nose at me. we both found it pretty darn hilarious that despite being the same area and same university, its been like a year since we last saw each other. odd? nah.. smoking suppresses hunger. its also bad for your health.i should spend more time packing.. ive got a bus to catch. .: 9:44:00 PM :. the sky looks right out of a blue watercolour piece. i took the bus back to cyberjaya yesterday night, after much shoplifting and eating tong yuen, as i stood in the long queue to get on what seemed to be the only bus to my intended destination, i finally reached the entrance and somehow felt like i was at the gate of purgatory or something. the mellow orange street light shining down on me and the choking fumes of polluted air. i ended up standing squashed for over an hour before lugging myself into the place i call home. i never seem to get enough of being tired when im here. i dread the thought of school and the fact i had nicely neglected my homework over the weekend. i eventually fell asleep and dreamt of coursemates in a very bloody episode of my own hemoglobins drenching white cotton. you could call it painting the town red. i get an unexpected call at dawn telling me about a broken down car and parking it with hands. maybe i misheard. today is stevens birthday. i envy the many months he is younger than me.. we sorta caught up with each other over tea, he wouldnt let me pay for him. hmph. chicken biscuit only, not good enough la.. i learnt some interesting trivia about the second lotr movie; gollum was acted out by an actor and not just pure animation. someone made a comment that gandalf kantoi, he was wearing converse shoes.. wtf.. dont know how true is that. my whole day was spent on one subject, learning a bit of GPS and ended up leaving with four new assignments, all due in a weeks time, two of them are game related. i cant believe i paid these people to tell me to go home and play a level of Myth II: Soulblighter then write a 2 page report about my masterplan and strategy o_0 and i have to create my own text based game, wow i feel so programmish already.. does anyone care to know whats a SimMan? and people ask me what im studying. like hell i know. my 012 number is officially working now.. i dont know if its such a good idea to stick with it and ditch timecel. its more expensive and with all the hoo-haa about the upcoming merge, i wonder what will happen then. oh well a hundred and fifty bucks has already been paid for talk time, an additional hundred and seventy rebate for switching over from 017. *shrug* what would i know, the bills arent being sent to me :P its weird but i havent felt so content in a long time. just being stupidly carefree and not looking at both sides of the street before walking across.. things like that. ive gotten used to losing battles, but still get a kick out of the occasional wins. i love it when the advent calendar gives out free goodie bags. one last thing, its proven for now that orgasms do in fact get rid of headaches. not a wise excuse for the women. .: 3:18:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Dezember 21 :. a chinese christmas a.k.a. ko tung got home rather drunk. with the stench of cigarettes all over me. no prizes for guessing who is back in town. i had to go half way out on a limb to 'arrange transport', ending up waiting for an hour, disrupting peoples kow lui session etcetera etcetera. in the midst of falling asleep and digesting alcohol, that person called and maybe we talked, probably we didnt but i deliberately without a doubt shut off my phone and slept till noon. must have said something wrong or gave the wrong impression since my smses have been left unreplied. i tend to get rather whiny myself sometimes, but when someone goes on and on about a failed relationship it just gets so sickening.. if i were so drained of sarcasm i would be tempted to just hold up my hand and say whatever comes with it. corny but it would work. miracles. .: 9:59:00 PM :. .: Freitag, Dezember 20 :. eaten alive. as it risked the unknown danger lurking beneath calm waters, excluding the ripples caused by a buzzing water pump.. perhaps in desperation it had mistook the vibrating device for an edible tidbit. closing in on the surface, it falls into the stagnant body of liquid when caught off guard, after a strong blow on its cold body. struggling to keep its head above water level to breathe, it instinctively releases the tail end of its form to distract the predator and buy itself some time.. scrambling upon the non-solid property beneath it.. the tragic end befalls, dragged into the water head last. i know not if the cause of death was drowning over devoured or the other way around. it = lizard victim. watery grave caretaker = flowerhorn. not max though, max probably wouldnt have left a carcass of its prey lying chin up (cant say belly cuz.. well.. there wasnt any belly left) bugged eyed and forefeet stiff in a shocked position. from the reflection on the bottom of the aquarium, it looked upright. freaky. no hurry to watch the two towers this year.. as usual it was a bladder expanding affair. i dont know, but the 2nd movie i think i liked better than the first. less emo shit and tear jerkers. admittedly as feebly as i tried to continue reading where i left off, i gave up.. perhaps that contributed to the movie. i simply wasnt looking forward to anything anymore. i would have gone with him but we live in two separate states so.. i settled for pissing my lesbian friend off by -in a strange way- standing her up, and watching the movie with my sister instead. i believe it runs in the blood, us being harsh critics and laughing just a tad bit earlier and longer than the rest of the crowd in my case. must have been the sugar and caffeine. browsed some shops with my mother, in the rush to leave cyberia i left all my identification documents there, which means i cannot run off and get a new nokia package on my own since how the hell am i going to get thru registration. i got a light green frog bath sponge. so cute. oops i sidetracked. i thought id never get around to telling papa.. but i did this morning. the reaction was typical but surprisingly a lot less agressive compared to his younger days. i feel like a stupid little spoilt brat. with my wonderful makers accompanying me, by the time the bills were paid and purchases were wrapped, i had a new turqoise 3315 with new registered 012 line (northern 521 instead of 494, im not from the pearl of the orient ja), the 017 is still up at the moment but will be terminated in due time, a semi-transparent motorola handphone holder, a cheapass company promoting watch, a samsung accessory string thingie to attach to the phone and erm.. pocket calendars. theres the power of bargaining for you. .: 9:44:00 PM :. .: Donnerstag, Dezember 19 :. The Heavens are busy right now. Can I put you on hold? im watching you watch over me.. as you ask, "do you want to go home?" i was supposed to give sayang a wake up call. i was supposed to catch up with all the things that keep slipping my mind and not making it on the blog. i was supposed to attend my first german language class. i was supposed to have one of those classic road trips to port dickson. what happened instead was.. i went home. im not sure why i willingly baked myself for two and a half hours to get here but i did it anyway. i asked questions along the way out of curiousity, like how the nationwide on-coming traffic signal of flashing headlights = speed trap ahead. amusing indeed. then i gazed into the sky and discovered rows and rows of clouds with rather leveled bottoms, making it look like a pattern which isnt something one sees daily. i conclude that limestone hills will eventually become extinct at the rate its being raped for marble. the greenery which grows all over it is inviting to thought with slender straight trunks exploding with light boughs, spidery lengths of leaves which do perfectly well without any ridiculous pruning.. i found many difficult emotions waiting for my arrival. the kind that does not resolve itself but needs much consideration and action before disappearing into thin air. just as i slide my sim card into the remaining workable handphone, a classmate calls asking about deutsche class. (reminder to self: buy chicken biscuit) not long after that blur calls regarding the same matter. now with juin converted to french, im grateful for the potential company i might have. i am not in the least sorry i skipped class. after few episodes of futurama, i had the irresistable urge to nap.. despite the arrangements i had made to go out after dinner, which i ended up not eating because i overslept. its all good, i went to try out the sneakers i should have bought but didnt -tiuz- window shopped for a new phone (it must be like a coffin for my poor sim card right now) ended up at the railway station haggling with malay roadside stall dudes over those tees you see every other malay dude wearing and a cloth poster which could double as a sarong of sid vicious - sex pistols which up till now i had no idea who he was, it says drugs kill and hes smoking pot or something in it, lin thinks i am doing to go ahead and overdose to death.. so perhaps this sweet reminder would help to prevent that. lol. we turned down the hot tuna and echo but ended up with worse (imho). i kinda like my radiohead t-shirt though, dont know how shes doing with her erm.. bitch tee.. but mine is nice and snug. i blame my chest for that. um like whatever .: 9:54:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Dezember 18 :. all of a sudden my world revolves around money. sitting through the scarce minutes of introductory classes, its nice to see the society ive spent the past two years mingling with.. everyone seems to have maintained mostly appearance-wise. after the tragic phone accident, and now the ever present yearn for new gadgets & gizmos.. unless i go professional with my thieving skills, the only way to obtain all things material is the legally approved way. will that be paper or plastic? i am not trying to make ends meet or anything, but somehow at this age i feel a heavy burden of guilt when faced with a situation which requires payment yet am unable to handle it independently. thus i need to learn the real value of money by making some myself. and then blow it on the new nokia + digital camera, the pocket pc my lecturers so encourage us to purchase, the pair of adidas sneakers i overlooked, lalala... sweet dreams are made of these. if things work out the way i should gladly appreciate them to, the upcoming batch of hand concentrated ads will feature mine in them, ill get to travel around malaysia every weekend for the next 3 months and by the end of it all; a minimum of rm3k. sometimes i think itd be nice to just have a sugar daddy and voila. the easy way out is so tempting.. if only it was available .: 2:36:00 AM :. .: Montag, Dezember 16 :. We shall dive down through black abysses and in that lair of the Deep Ones we shall dwell amidst wonder and glory forever.
- H.P. Lovecraft - underwater sci-fi horror movie to begin a journey of woeful wet incidents. somehow i cant find anything better to blame besides my own itchy hands and their tendency for petty crime. lets see.. the bad news: i killed my nokia 3310. how? i threw it into the washing machine and it drowned.. while being banged about and conveniently falling to pieces. twice. by the time i came to my senses -if i have any...- and rescued the poor piece of technology out of the whirlpool, it was spasming the last of its circuits and after intense artificial respiration by blow drying, it passed away. four days after the warranty expired. aint that worth some cussing and crying? geez. there goes my dads hard earned $. i havent told him... i feel awful :( otherwise it was a good day, my head was clear, i spring cleaned my apartment and rearranged my bedroom for feng shui purposes. according to the woman who carried me in her womb for a good 9 months more or less. i kept summarizing the past 3 weeks in my mind.. and it wasnt so bad, i got to meet some new people whom i most probably will never see again in my life.. some old people who might not live long enough for me to see again in my life.. old friends whove bared all in such limited time, reforming the bonds that bind us. many happenings and things that have somewhat inspired me, pushed me along in my state of suspension.. now things have become hurried and time is seeping through the pinhole of its sandy glass gourd. have to be strong and not cry... just yet. *sniffle* the good news: my sim card is in perfectly good working condition. i can either continue using adam 017 -yea its that old- or scrap it and change to a prepaid 012. then perhaps i will understand the value of spending precious minutes purring on the phone, or sending smses and not getting any replies. as william shakespeare would say, 'to weep is to lessen the depth of sorrow.' .: 6:06:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Dezember 15 :. and the crescent shaped scab coloured patch grows.. while other bruises start making appearances. the question of whether michael was sodomized remains unanswered. this is the last day for many things, it all began with hour after hour of waiting for milo to finish his little celebration, while i finally got to watch the man-whore in action, my childhood friend getting restless and by 3am, ushered me out of the house with her pair of indoor slippers still on me. of course i changed back into my sneakers before walking back.. in the dark. i slept. then i woke up and went shopping. lol. i wasnt really enthusiastic about it but at least i got some things i really like by paying with my fathers hard earned money :P the previous evening i went and got all the books i mentioned earlier (before that i got a bad haircut), now i need to allocate some time to make sure i get around to reading those hundreds of pages.. as i was bragging about to the few people who happened to be online, after i came home from shoe shopping. i dont know what theyre called but ill just pretend i do; i got a pair of seriously strikingly yellow flip-flops, a pair of hush puppies 360 degrees from the zero g range -i regret, so sad- that hurt the back of my heels, and hehe my all time favourite: the 'sailormoon' loafers (are they called loafers? those shoes that only cover the front of the foot.. but in this case at the back cover a bit also.. *maniacal laughter* wtf) with tiny printed flowers all over them, there has to be at least a few hundred petals on each side. i should have just stuck with adidas sneakers.. but nooo.. *sigh* shopping has turned me into a raving lunatic. i smsed her to say bye bye, and got in return a message worth 3 alerts.. sad to say the least. i didnt reply. i never have the right words to say, and definitely not the words anyone would like to hear in her position. oh i forgot to mention the carnival! smelly belly i pocketed, or rather paper bagged from ingres.. couldve gotten a nicer plushie but knowing i own 1 of the 3,000 limited edition limmy limes in the world is in a way gratifying. and i managed to find dagon in a small vhs rental shop. woohoo. i shall stop typing now. .: 6:50:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Dezember 13 :. Ich sehe mich nur um i left out a lotta things that should have been there to clarify the previous post, but nevermind.. let it be one of those real time live streaming events. friday the 13th was surprisingly pleasant.. not that i recall any of the past friday thirteenths, a bruise turned up from my graceful trip. it resembles a brutal hickey. a little way above my knee, blue-black in an almost complete oval with a cut in the middle of much pinkness. hmm. an over-heated bunny called in the midst of multitasking :) i managed to finish halloween resurrection before being whisked away. we went to vegas to drink chinese tea and inhale nicotine + tar, got caught in a storm so had to prolong the time there with extremely low resources.. like say, a few cents? someone found 10 bucks so it wasnt so bad. ear piercing obsessed people decided to puncture another opening in their already lacking flesh, before we got an urge to be intellectual and invaded mph. i had my heart set on a few books within minutes of browsing.. unable to contain my kleptomaniacal urge, i now have a free of charge german phrase book which i can be expected to abuse when trying to seem deep and indirect. its a pity i had to leave the accompanying cassette there, but i will return for the complete works of shakespeare, poe and more deutsche stuff. with ca$h if possible. after stopping by at memory lane we went our separate ways and i met up with lin who treated me to a sushi dinner, had no idea i missed wasabi that much. lachs too. i walked around with her to do some christmas shopping, by the time we exited body shop i smelt 'of a man' on the right side and 'of a woman' on the left. lol. im still looking for a nice scrub a-dub-dub. she bought close to a hundred worth of their products and i felt like i was on a roll as a amateur pick pocket cum thief kinda character.. so i also buey tahan and got an intensive pulse point perfume 'of a woman' *giggles* worth RM39 for absolutely nothing. just a calorie or two and a flick of the wrist. talk about bad bad bad bad bad karma man.. the rest was pretty ordinary, im just hyped up over my sinful improvision of nothing. now to pamper myself with more free gifts and dream about mistletoe... .: 9:32:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Dezember 12 :. i walked out of the house innocently enough, wearing a collared (thats the best i can do for formality) t-shirt and shorts, with my trusty glasses and a pair of slippers dug out from the corners of some dustbunny headquarters, to go over to my childhood friends house. and from there i somehow ended up at the local pub area was introduced to people i wouldnt give a shit about upstairs at some fancy entertaining place with cushy sofas and erotic touchscreen games, two bottles of jack daniels on the glass table, clinking glasses with TMJ relatives and all the time smiling that fake polite smile. i was wearing the exact same thing i wore when i walked out of my freaking house. wtf.. do people like me still exist or am i the last of the jinjangs. who was it that kept repeating those two words in front of me; inferiority complex, was it? holy shit what kind of medication should i be on for that cuz i think im down with a really bad case of it. not to mention i tripped on the way up the stairs to sartres hell. nmch. looks like i was a victim of pre-friday the thirteenth. fortunately i had a savior. ive never felt so worthless in my life. it would be nice if the expected meteor collision would happen sometime now. note to self: grow up. .: 9:17:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Dezember 11 :. Te quiero im really in for it this time. no pus. bad sign. few nights back mcf found my dislocated jaw entertaining. click. click. click. about 10x louder than a mouse click. she decided to become a third leg after all, despite her rationalization that she was in fact there first. territorial bullshit. i find it all to be so meaningless and boring, mustve made my point yesterday.. since theyve all left me alone to play silly computer games which include make out sessions and important questions like "should we have a baby?" i commited the mortal sin of saying yes, not even five minutes passed when the information panel popped up and told me welfare or what not is coming to claim the poor neglected child from its irresponsible parents. i used to like kids. now i dislike them very much. after watching the hours, i got scared because i could relate to the depressed mother of the aids victim. overdose during a pregnancy on my husbands birthday. how narcissist can one get? its weird that i said i cant kill myself.. but id be more than happy to strangle or drown an annoying brat i cant stand the sight of. perhaps i will regret it later but all throughout murdering in cold blood; elated. i feel disturbed now. for my sake, never let me be a mother. to think id promised someone a football team. ah, things were different back then.. sigh. there was this repetitive sentence in the film: which i found incredibly satisfactory to my emotions.. pity i cant remember what it was. what a luxury it is to forget.. yet i find myself forgetting none of the things i want out of my mind. i should cut down on my sleeping, i seem to wake up every other hour and press buttons as though a miracle i am awaiting to happen. as he once said to me; its so hard. please.. think melancholy and the infinite sadness.. not sexually excited erection. one has to be so careful with what one says these days. its so difficult to undo the wrongs and include the all-this-while-been-mia rights. and that as they say is that. .: 3:43:00 AM :. .: Montag, Dezember 9 :. woke up with the left side of my jaw swollen. this would cause immediate overreaction concerning gum cancer etc. however i have a history of some kinda gum infection i never did anything about, thus its probably best to just tolerate it. mimicking what an ulcer generally looks like, it also starts to balloon with thick yellow pus, when im in the mood for self-inflicted pain ill pop it to spit the stuff out then watch a brief fresh bleeding display.. red dripping onto white has always been fascinating. its not ripe yet so ill have to wait. a few sticks would probably speed up the process. im such a sad excuse for a human being. i turned down an extravagant drinking session last night, for no reason i can come up with. i just said no. i tend to say no to a lot of things, especially when it does not occur in real time, right here right now that kind of thing. otherwise.. i guess im just soft. very soft. i do say no to shopping. no to going to the dentist. no to meeting new people. no to having lunch at an italian restaurant with the table set for two. stuff like that. no. pretty obvious that im a pessimist aye? this is the third week max has been fasting. while talking to a couple of lesbians the topic of flowerhorn came up and the female fishs ovulation.. i dont know if max is male or female now. i hope it is still alive with its ferocious appetite. down in singapore my cousin threw his fathers flowerhorn into the dustbin. the poor thing was not at all dead. he claimed it was too ugly and replaced it with a tank full of goldfish instead. ironically, his mother won the lottery after that. .: 11:26:00 PM :. my cgpa is falling consistently at 0.02 every trimester. the sight of all three PASSes beside my subjects relieved a huge burden. i was worried because i did close to nothing the past two months when it came to attending classes and instead of working on my own assignments, i... enough of that. apparently my break has been extended a day longer which is nothing compared to the whole week my childhood friend somehow got in addition. admittedly ive been a little frustrated that she will be around for a longer period of time. i started calling her names and telling her off in her face, what she thought was playful teasing i actually meant with all sincerity. not to mention her obsession with the sk8terboi song, singing it at the top of her lungs when we are going around town in her car. its times like these i want to go back to when i was alone and listened to silence. she revealed some things about her i never wouldve wanted to know. like the time she went to bed with a knife, suicidal. she did the action of slitting her wrist and i corrected her quietly, the cut should be made parallel to the direction of your veins.. not across the vein like a x.. youll never get around to dying the x way. i learned this from ice and he learned it from the suicidal friends he met during rehab. or whatever institutionalization he went thru.. recently i watched it visually in a movie. i could hate life very much and still not go that far. id never be able to take my own life.. if its even my own to begin with. as michael pointed out; we do not live, we exist. maybe im just a puppet on strings; a tug here, a pull there. your wish is my command .: 5:33:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Dezember 8 :. Wing its been such a melancholic day. got moderately drunk in the wee hours of the morning with old friends, daniel and baja hitam with their female escorts, peter wasnt around because hes working in taiwan, trixie, michael, joanne, jessica, a small gathering of non-relevant people. three buckets of beer, 6 packs of cigarettes not including the ones purchased from the kent girl -youd think lighters are a new invention the way they reacted to the kent ones-, a few hundred kuaci.. the worse thing my inquisitive eyes caught glance of was him tugging on her hair in that lover-like way and both of them sucking face. woohoo. i tried to drown myself in alcohol and smoke but resources were running low. someones mother called and demanded her daughter return home so eventually i left, since i didnt know anyone else who would be so nice as to drive me home. while waiting at the traffic lights she popped the nosy statement, saying i was so lan si with blablabla.. what to do. im not her. i dont have someone like milo. not to mention the repetitive accusations of me being a lesbian. whats wrong with tofu. its healthy. when you live in a small town and your popularity is sky high like my friends, youll find yourself spotting someones car in a jam, swerve into the lane beside it and narrowly avoiding a collision with the car in front, while the driver beside your car calls on your handphone to inform you of their presence because youre too busy looking behind trying to locate the former spotted car, then while waiting to make a turn at a junction you see an ex-admirer and both greet each other. heck thats what i call popularity. then again this is a small town. oh whutever. i didnt get a hangover but it felt good to be winging it. when you dont have the sight you wish you had eyes. when you see things you dont want to see you wish you were blind. no hangover but i got hungover. go figure. .: 5:29:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Dezember 6 :. Oil and Water so much to write but dont know where to begin.. i went on an unofficial inpromptu road trip at thursday noon. the early hours before that were spent uhm.. not sleeping. we were supposed to leave at 9am but ended up at dai fong eating brunch and ridiculing tau fu.. four legged stool in an iswara, switching between the few local music stations and putting up with shit coming out of the hole in the freaks face. we were baking in the car and the sun was mostly on my side, i thought id catch up with my sleep but didnt get a wink during the 3 hours it took us to find the oil palm plantation. somehow we got off the high way before bidor and just kept getting lost or misled. we even ended up at the wrong estate taking pictures before getting scolded by some lower people of authority. the journey ahead had barely begun, the driving didnt seem to end.. like a pressure cooker the contents of the car were getting fidgety and losing patience. we smoked like theres no tomorrow, cigarettes.. pot.. and later on worse things. narrowly avoided getting into car crashes every now and then.. since the driver was beginning to have double vision. out of the frying pan and into the fire. however there was a knight in shining armour to our rescue and going at bloody 60kmph we finally got to the intended location safe and sound.. if not tired and sticky. teluk intan or teluk anson. the last time i was there, my childhood friend and me were representatives for tennis at a district level tournament. much has changed since then. before actually seeing the town, or replenishing our gradually waning spirit with food and tobacco, we roamed the huge vicinity of the oil palm estate.. which actually functioned like a small town on its own. the worse part: no network coverage at all for our handphones. okay so 016 and 012 got like one bar here and there, 017 absolutely nada. i knew id get screwed for "switching off" my phone later on.. heck it was beyond my control. i had no idea its that small a freaking town. after all the interviewing with the estate manager, exploring the dusty trails and snapping shots of scenic views and proof of actually being there, we said our goodbyes and thought we were outta that sorry ant infested land.. ended up staying the night at one of the single storey bungalows with the knight and his mother who eventually took us out for dinner in town. noone wanted to struggle with their sense of direction in the pitch black night. the house was beautiful with wooden floors, a pantry fit for a bomb shelter, raiding the fridge and melting frozen pizzas. many intellectual conversations as well as bitching went on in and outside the house.. we were not allowed to smoke indoors so.. yknow. damn the annoying blood suckers and humidity. after dinner i was rather unfortunate to be stuck with accompanying his mother back home before they came back to get me, which cost me a good half hour churning ear wax as she told me stories.. to say the least. so we went out right after i reached home with the mom. sitting in a red lantern district while the so-called interview went on. nothing to do with me really.. just.. being there.. for no reason. it was interesting though, to listen to fresh stories and learn new things about the country we live in. a lot of technical jargon was being flung about as the guys discussed things about light and sound. we just stoned with chain puffing and plain water. running out of money is never a good thing but our situation wasnt that bad, can pau here and there.. we also got a lot of treats being the adorable bunch we are. yea right. teluk intan is famous for its chee cheung fun. to us; it is infamous. before heading in the direction of home, we stopped by and i had the opportunity of learning the secrets of how to make this chinese noodle type dish. it was unhygienic and very simple actually.. hmm.. we ordered take-out (overrating the service and all ja) and stocked up on cigarettes. there were too many policemen around so we didnt get to see any illegal motorcycle racing. crap. it was already 2am then.. so we all went home and enjoyed the pleasures of pharmaceutical abuse, jack daniels whiskey, weed and fags. there was quite a lot of drama going on the whole time -before intoxication- like that unknown intruder that kinda messed up the front door, worries of getting into deep shit for relying on mood altering substances.. but the sky was still bursting with stars and we went ahead and did whatever we wanted to do. i have digressed from the infamous chee cheung fun. i was sharing one packet with mcf in the kitchen, ash was smoking, nit opened a new pack. about halfway thru enjoying the food.. it was great tasting stuff. especially with the pickled green chillies. as mcf was forking around with the remaining bits of chilli, i noticed one strand that looked sick. i asked her, "eh you going to eat that ar?" she probably didnt mind but put it aside anyway. i was about to put a portion into my mouth when the thing started to resemble a worm. caterpillar. maggot. maybe a combination of all three. right in front of me. they sounded me for announcing my discovery because we were all psychologically effected and the food didnt seem all that mouth-watering anymore. i contemplated whether to stick a finger down my throat and dig. we settled for style, quality and excellence. ugh. i stayed up the whole time, just listening to the discreet and non-revealing talks between those closely associated with drug pushers, planning to start their own marketing for easy money. how being admitted in a psychiatric ward can make you dependent and immune to certain medicine, while two of them snorted a crushed pill in the bathroom with rolled up rm1 bills. being a professional vagabond or struggling designer. patience. photoshop. withdrawal symptoms caused by lameass attempts of sobering up. there were so many topics worth going into detail about but my brain is totally closed for the day. something about not losing your enthusiasm in life because then you wont have any passion and life will be reduced to a day to day thing. i think im already at the day to day level. we were supposed to leave at 7 or 8am. by the time we got the corpses into the car and missed a turning, next thing we know were on the old road back to ipoh, passing through mambang diawan and the like. i was pretty pissed we rushed back so early for no particular reason, as it turned out the freak was told that she doesnt have to go to work and my beloved relatives had left for kl without me. i had hardly rested up or anything before my childhood friend asks me over for lunch and i went la. her sister turned up unexpectedly so we all went out to yum cha omfg i was so stoned and couldnt stop lighting one joint after another.. i just wanted to go home, turn on some air-conditioning and pass out. what kind of sane parent wakes you up for dinner when you just slipped into unconsciousness? mine. so i went downstairs limping, ate a hearty dinner with the emperors chicken and egg rolls before retiring again. how i dote on my blankie. .: 7:48:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Dezember 4 :. the confrontation encouraged by me, did not fare well. while being asked to help steer her boat, i pretty much wrecked mine. i was leafing through the godfather, soaking up the aged mottled brown pages.. when i got that urgent sounding sms. this time i got up and went over, almost as easily as i would have done in broad daylight. these escape routes ive learnt by heart and have not forgotten even after so long. her distraught was contagious, what more the relativity of the situation she insisted on applying. i have never had the luck to be in her dainty shoes. im thankful for her sake she never had the ill-luck to be in mine. we spent hours talking about many things.. mostly things im not fond of discussing. i resent the fact many cautiously packed away memories were reopened, fresh as a fish out of water. it took me so much to put them aside. even though it wasnt something i could hide. she spoke of the publicity of my case and how she stood up for me.. at least someone was on my side. although its not a good thing to be pathetic and have others sympathize. sometimes i wish she never told me they knew. its something i wouldve been better off not knowing. "In the dark, we lay side by side. Quietly I would ask him.. and he always gave in to me. I was so deprived of affection. When he held me in his arms, tears came to my eyes. I never wanted him to let go. He liked to ask me in a murmur, 'How are you?' Usually I lied. Other times.. I answered, 'Bad'. I would press close to him. That way he could not tell if I was crying. Maybe I desperately wanted him to feel the pain he put me through. We were too young to know what love was. What love is. I hated him for so many things. I can't help but wonder if it was because.. I needed someone to blame." - Between Speckled Green Covers, 1998 - unconsciously the carefully mended pieces that were once shattered, how tedious it had been to put them back in the right places.. the time it had taken to get used to the black holes where missing pieces vanished into thin air and could never be replaced.. unconsciously they fell apart. almost as though what was holding it up from beneath had disintegrated silently and gave way to the destruction of a broken heart. how is it emotions become so powerful they refuse to be suppressed or ignored.. instead they find their way to the surface by other means, without warning they swiftly reduce what is to what was. and it hits me that all this time, i were building a fortress to keep them out, when out is where i should be and as much as they deserve to be trapped.. they will remain inside of me. waiting. .: 6:58:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Dezember 3 :. Frohe Ostern what kind of person smses you at 4am to ask for companionship because of boredom? and what kind of person sleeps so lightly that a single sms can cause awakening? its plain silly. its turning out to be so tiresome. to sit down at a table and shift around uncomfortably in your seat because not everyone gets along, so people end up taking turns talking to the mutual connection. i think half the time id rather be rotting in front of the telly. the pain never really left. it has been coming and going as it pleases.. leaving me with hardly a clue as to what is actually triggering it. possibly the hefty amounts of thinking about this and that. the strange unknown decisions which balance unsteadily on tightropes, leaning towards one end and then switching to the opposite.. but in the end it still weighs down in between. and in the end i wont know what to do. .: 3:03:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Dezember 1 :. Pou ying it was bound to happen sooner or later, thus it did last night. i never thought id live to recall myself foaming at the mouth like some rabid dog.. throwing up everything there was to reject from my digestive system, right down to the acidic juices that were meant to dissolve what i consumed. not churn it up my throat and out my mouth. it hasnt rained for days now and the temperature is rising steadily while my own body heat went about as cold as a lizard. the pain drove me mad. i really need to see a doctor. i know theres no cure, but hell.. id settle for some instant painkillers. anything to make the horrible feeling go away. what am i complaining about now anyway.. its gone already. somehow i think it could be related to the recent string of events, my own careless splurge on freedom. im rather jealous of the few people i recently learned whom are studying psychology. making the usual rounds with my childhood friend -somewhere along the conversation she told me about how a 6 year relationship ended with 6 bullets and one very dead dj-ing boyfriend, tragic no?-.. i met michael yesterday.. hes funny in a weird kind of way. psychology makes you see people for how perverted and twisted they really are, he says. he even complimented the t-shirt lin gave me for christmas. and hes a movie maniac also.. inclined towards drugs and violence, but overall another avid movie goer. new movies are becoming a huge disappointment for me. he claimed to have manic depression. wants to go to camerons. i cant relate to that right now.. but i know how it was when i felt like running away. that is the case here now that i really think about it. id like to apologize to the few faithful visitors who drop by daily, i find myself in an awkward situation being stuck with netscape 4.7 as the only workable browser.. should there be so much as a faulty line of code on any page, or some new javascript etc. my browser wont load it. and yes it is shocking that my own page (although it takes helluva long time to load and was not approved css or anything else by whats that err forget it) manages to make an effort in looking as normal as possible. seriously, i dont know why anyone comes here but thanks for amusing my need for attention. .: 2:49:00 PM :. turns out my childhood friend is going to be around for a week.. not weekend. and i dont think its mere coincidence lin invites me for a saturday night of feng tao, while i get a surprise from mavis informing me shes in town. remember the three old classmates the other night? one of them told her. i feel so wanted all of a sudden. haha. i had to bear with some major sounding for not publicizing myself, they probably think im biased but what can i say.. alysha is very persuasive :P these are the times of listening a lot, simply because they need a ear and mine are easy targets. i dont have much to say actually. i guess i have counseling blood in my veins. blood that tastes of iron now :) so now im sitting at home, wondering who am i supposed to call. the dreams are suffocating my sleep. i wake up completely stoned. past evening my childhood friend confesses she wants milo back. we used to have this whole family tree back then, and she and him were my parents while i was commiting incest with my grandfather. ugh. milo will be back tonight, due to a miscalculation, she wont have time to go see the dentist or crash diet or do that facial in preparation for his return from australia. im seriously absolutely the wrong person to go to for advice about relationships and what not. but they were a lovely couple. itd be nice to see them hit it off long term and tie the knot. but she blew it. 3 years together and two apart, hes been faithfully attached to another for those 2 years and now.. as she put it, "its time to take back what was mine". lol. if only it were that simple. we went in search of a cow farm instead. after dinner we ended up finishing the pack of 20s in the park surrounded by chinese cemetery grounds. she told me things about the freak id be better off not knowing, i tried to spot stars in the murky night sky and squinted at couples occupying those shadowed benches. that was when lin called about the feng tao. we werent dressed to go anywhere, and she said there might be a stripshow plus the drinks are on her (not literally la please). by then we had shifted to the stadium food stalls and were eating tong sui and rojak. still wondering where to go. i guess we ended up going where lin was because of the free beer. we spent most of our time trying to find a good parking spot compared to going deaf inside the bass blasting place. it was the wrong day for stripping. it was so dark we wouldnt be able to see shit anyway. to compensate, it was the boss' birthday and we all got to see the old man possibly older than my sole surviving grandfather flaunt his moves on the dancefloor. it was omfg impressive. they probably spiked his drink or fed him pills. he was dancing better than the youngsters -if there were any, the place was crawling with what we like to call lou hang- and way harder. we all got party packs from the waiters/waitress containing temporary tattoos, cylindrical blow ups, eye masks, whistles?, cone hats and my all time favourite: glowsticks! i was the only one at the table to get one on my wrist.. nyehehehehe.. by the time we made a hasty exit, my ears werent functional anymore. now i know what is feng tao. i finally got to meet the much spoken about angel.. so now we made a 5-legged stool. i should shut up about that already. we went back to my childhood friends place and had a bedtime fag outside the nuns house while making some closing statements about the day. i walked home under the influence of... nevermind. the bundle of wool awaited my return like the adorable brown eyed lamb she is. i carried with me a stench of evidence that i had been up to no good till 2am. woohoo. i woke up at 1pm and managed to finish some 'pig intestine noodles' before acting as technical support for the man of the house, typing his resume and printing it out as crisp black and white documents. Expected Monthly Salary: RM8,000. whoa dude. i hope i could put that kinda four digit figure on my resume someday. photostatic anyone? .: 12:25:00 AM :. |
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