Would you like fries with that? 800x600 resolution compatible. Microsoft dependent. Netscape intolerant.
.: Dienstag, Mai 27 :.
 
Nihilist Bear

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night
But ah my foes and oh my friends
It gives a lovely light.

- Roald Dahl -

.: 6:05:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Sonntag, Mai 18 :.
 
"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."

"life and death. energy and peace. if i stopped today, it was still worth it. even the terrible mistakes that i have made, and would have unmade if i could. the pains that have burned me and scarred my soul. it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where i've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far inbetween, though it, in it and above..."

- Gia Marie Carangi (Gia) -

.: 10:15:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Samstag, Mai 17 :.
 
O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
And foolish notion.
- To a Louse, Robert Burns -


i started this under the influence of someone, and to me.. it is only fair i end it because ive decided to run away again. pray i never come back if you pray. furious angels cant bring me back to you because they wont find me in the first place. guess why. its been quite the commitment, writing almost daily.. the dread id go thru for missing a day. i shall write in my own space and time.. no more audiences, no more reciprocal trivialities. sick thoughts should remain in a sick mind. where it belongs. all the knots have come loose and im falling apart. perhaps i will look back someday and miss this voyeuristic phase i lived through. all the inward woe suffered in silence for lack of a better understanding, and who to blame when it is me who twists and turns the ashes of time. the absence of affection revealed for pure cause and effect. perhaps not. i want to forget everything i know about me, the world, the people who did me harm. i want to forget you. i need to.

Sed fugit interea, fugit inreparabile tempus.
- Georgics, Virgil -

.: 3:37:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Donnerstag, Mai 15 :.
 
it must be quite a thrill in some way to have children and watch them grow up right in front of you, a creature that used to be so small and helpless.. finally independent and probably nothing close to what you imagined. kinda like the freaking musical sims family my siblings installed on my pc. dont you love using certain things against people? it could be a particular peculiarity about them that they arent exactly proud of, or some comeback phrase they overuse.. i think those can be used in moderation. when you are too honest however, it tends to be offensive. and thats bad. especially if youre an insulting person and you cannot handle it when your own crude remarks are thrown back in your face, who on this earth is perfect anyway. theres always something youre self-conscious about that could easily be poked fun at and have you end up sulking or even worse crying over it. so dont be judgemental or brutally honest unless youre required to be. keep your attitude problems to yourself. what do you get from trying to show off anyway? i dont care that you smoke lights, i wouldnt want to go on a nicotine haughtiness competition unless you think menthols make you cool. then you, my friend, have bigger issues than little old me.

.: 2:23:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Mittwoch, Mai 14 :.
 
"Frottage" is anonymous furtive sexual contact with a victim in a crowd.

there are some things you get addicted to; which you think you could never undo. how does it happen? the same way a smoker snubs out a cigarette i guess. though it isnt possible to have a cigarette snub the smoker out in return. perhaps in an alternate universe. i dont know how to confirm my suspicions that someone is coming on to me, over-friendliness? *shrugs* too early to tell.. if its that easy to tell a person you miss him/her how come the ones you expect to hear it from hardly ever say so? the freshness of the relationship fuels that sort of enthusiasm in my opinion, after all i do not expect anyone to be able to outlast my own disturbing mentality.. why not count the numbers as they go by. the same thing with my supposedly preserved foods in the kitchen. a lot of them e.g. peanut butter and jelly has already crossed over to the land of expiry. thus have to be thrown out. reminds me of the video for coffee and tv. but yeah, i do look back and regret some of the many chances i had with companionship. with people that i knew for sure were truly worth it. i messed up and now theyre gone.. noone to blame but myself. theres always blood ties to run back to, those whom were said to be forever there. the ones who feed you, clothe you, give you money to pay the bills. theres always family.

.: 8:30:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Dienstag, Mai 13 :.
 
belated & beat

i got home about an hour ago after a day as exhausting as the survivor 6 finale. paid the remaining cost of my new footwear and complained to the point of ah weng promising to buy me a house, a little tight around the middle even though i took a 7 and a half. they look very unique though. like i need the extra dose of standing out in the crowd. sometimes i feel evil when bargaining, money is becoming such a priority these days. people need to earn at least a little profit to survive; which brings me to my malebolge destiny.. i cant quit the habit of giving in to kleptomaniac urges. i had to stay back late after my shift yesterday to attend a meeting, which i did not, so neil said he owes me lunch. cant argue with the boss now can you? been getting free meals like crazy lately, waistline is suffering the gluttony. anyway when i finally met up with sheral and sylver, she asked if i had the strength to eat a belated birthday dinner. piccolo mondo, her treat. i think all i said was jom.

off we went shopping for a bit, found some spaghetti strap tops going for rm3.9. she was looking for a new wallet/purse, said shed buy me a carry bag as well. when we walked out of the shop i had both items in my possession and neither of us paid a single cent. i couldnt really help it, smitten as i was with the soft brown exterior and pale yellow insides beneath a magnetic clasp. the wallet was 70. bag 40. i am surely going to hell, as i lamented over and over again even as we were headed back home in the cab. so im a kleptomaniac with a conscience. screw me. i think i scared the driver with my morbid speech, he was really careful on the road. why am i thinking about death, dying and the afterlife now??? the bad karma was paid off 7x as dear when sylver lost sherals nokia 8210 today. might not be going to hell after all but i need help. yes i do. back to the fantabulous dinner we had at pricey italiano ristorante. we ordered one: i ravioli di ricotta alle verdure (beautiful sauce!), la grigliata mista di carne, pizza diavola, blended lime margarita, mussolini, sicily strawberries, banana split and crespella con gelato (i wish it was on fire). ill buy you dinner if you can guess which ones were my choices.

i had my first experience with work stress today. wasnt in the mood to concentrate, the person behind me being sugar intolerant and preferring salt gave me half his snickers bar, my mind was scattered for no apparent reason. ran around barefooted in the office because i cannot bear to have the arch of my feet remoulded by a pair of heels. that same guy has been smsing me out of boredom and saying things which give me the wrong idea, i still dont like the idea of relating miss calls to missing a person. alfie labelled an emotional discussion between ali and me a lovers quarrel, upon which i retorted by screaming from my cubicle to his. very pms-y. even the most annoying of them all had stooped to apologizing for disturbing me in the middle of work. we are all clowns. i scored 10 points for disabling faheem from thinking of any come back whutsoever after he asked me why i take my bag (security blanket) along with me everywhere, prompting me to point at his sling pouch and sarcastically asking 'whats that?'. maybe hes met his match eh. to think i used to find him adorably pretty.

after an entire morning of australian skylines, the truth about that certain company is revealed and it turns out theyre located in indonesia so there goes my mock site. maybe ill do something about it in these two off days. left work and spent the remainder of the day with juin in town. he simply has to speak to me in mandarin, we caught up over caffeine and nicotine, same old, visited a number of bookstores, listened to free music at tower records, got wet in the night rain, i almost got him to buy me flowers.. though he was right about the daring to take them around everywhere. i had to grab his sleeve when we approach slopes because i am just too damn insecure about walking on wet tiles. tar is safer. is having your ankles suspended more than 2 inches above the ground actually considered walking? hes so nice, carried my luggage and accompanied me to the 868 which happened to be there. maybe we will all go catch matrix reloaded on friday. my gum infection is acting up. caramel lollypops probably arent the best solution to that. oh well.

.: 8:39:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Sonntag, Mai 11 :.
 
the odds of oddities

as much as i try to avoid it, my ants wont let me escape the sensation of burdenism. forgoing tv programmes with only myself to blame, i had worked out a plan that would aid me in wasting as much time as possible. then at the bus stop an acquaintance spots me and kindly gives me the ride i was asking for, though i expected one at a much later time, and drops me off at my destination a good two hours before the keys to the padlock would get there. so i in return killed time, spent an hour watching bike racing and football highlights; incoherent due to massive sound pollution all around. i mustve been bothersome to the waiters, dont know what they are but the mousey one is kind of cute. i smoked as many sticks as i could breathe before giving in to health precautions. yea right.

made the walk up to the apartments and tried to occupy myself with human technology, got but one bloody reply. i need better friends. one of the keyholders announced she would be back shortly, and i said words i didnt mean. called juin to ask if i could crash at his place should and when there is a love fest in the room ive been sleeping in for the past week. then of all people to bump into, the non-smoker of the three mosquitoes. had to cut my phone conversation short because of that and summarize what ive been up to since the so-called holidays. luckily the key holder arrived right after the mosquito flew away, i mustve lit up cuz there was plenty of time left on the tv series. woohoo.

i miss the hours i spend sitting and reflecting about obvious day to day happenings instead of stating the plain shallow surface of what went on. the worst thing is it remains put aside and my memory is too weak to dig them out. ive been in awe at long term relationships, intimate or otherwise.. it is somewhat logic defying because with me; i get tired. and i cant be bothered to fill in those uncomfortable silences. ivego tissues. sigh.

.: 5:38:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Samstag, Mai 10 :.
 
the Devil went down to Georgia

back to my little box, playing my depressing songs, spent some time with gollum. he found me a doggy porn video, along with jeoparodies and a primus gem. its sort of weird to have juin and sven calling me up just to say hi and what not, as though we have graduated and are never going to bum around on campus anymore. some things you can choose to miss or not miss, others are downright sorely missed. just got off the phone with juin and drained his credit down to 25 cents. he of all people has resorted to reading this, i didnt think to ask why though. hmm. told him some juicy bits of my living conditions and he instantly offered to let me stay at his house. if i could id just stay in my box. my eyes are burning. as sheral said, she never thought wed be working together. us of all people. ho hum. the whole team of guys we hang out with seem gay. seriously. or attached. or younger. i was duped into attending one of their marketing team presentations, which was claimed funnier than actors studio and is free of charge. we sat there for a while, me between ali and sheral. i made sure sheral didnt start laughing like muttley, but faheem came to rescue her after a short while and i was stuck there with ali and gid. the latter started passing messages on the pretentious taking down of notes, through out the presentation, while ali (who is younger than me) expertly prepared questions for the presenter. at one point gid asked a question and as the presenter attempted to answer him; he held out the scrap of paper with his thumb pointing at the capitalized and exclaimized word, only to have the dissed presenter snap his fingers at him to regain his attention. we fished this crumpled note out of the trash, might come in handy should there be any need to blackmail gid in the future. lol. gid is very gay. anyway it turned out faheems impersonations were a whole lot more entertaining than what went on in the conference room. they might begin monitoring any activity online if productivity doesnt go up in the office, as it is they already blocked both yahoo and hotmail, what more do they want! sigh. my pair of allege is still at the shop. running out of money faster than i can earn it. gollums words echo in my head now; i dont wanna grow up. i dont want.

.: 10:29:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Freitag, Mai 9 :.
 
coffee minus whitener

scar tissue is playing on pyans pc, we just got back in from the smoking port. im so glad the headache from last night is finally gone. i might be overdosing on panadol but who cares. my khaki skirt has mildew spots all over it and this is only the second freaking time im wearing it. i guess its unavoidable with the damp conditions of travelling i have to put up with daily. i half ripped off the nail on my little finger when i slipped on the steps descending a 69 right out into the storm, it was a short walk to shelter but i got drenched all the same. i should put in a word about the fact it wasnt raining outdoors this morning but pouring inside the bus itself, if you dont take the same bus every day ignorance could let you shut an eye and give credit to ill luck.. at the moment i am seriously considering more than one letter of complaint to authorities. or newspapers.

watching american history x yesterday was kind of awkward. what with edward norton showing off his built body and all the racism. i cant call myself racist put next to the likes of those hitler worshipping skin heads. i wouldnt go to those extremes of emotional outburst, whatever it is called. talked to papa on the phone, he seems to find it hilarious that i have to be at work by 7.30am and leave at 3pm.. i know theyre just waiting for me to complain how much better studying life is compared to working. but i wont. even if its proven to me. sure you get firsthand doses of office politics and after every 2 hours, the guys bitch during the ciggie break about every other employee. people are naturally shitty i guess. it takes a lot for them not to be, i dont even think its possible sometimes. like how the boss took me into his room, sat me down and proceeded to run me through the details of a template i was working on, b2c and what not.. *shrugs* shouldve taken e-commerce with the media innovation students.

i need to withdraw money for my new pair of adidas allege 145745. supposed to drop by at ah wengs shop to pick them up. just remembered the associate deans words regarding my final year project (fyp) proposal. his room was filled with hardcover gold printed research books from last years batch. i worry for my id incapabilities. it is going to be difficult when i lack interest and dont know the current issues involved. even popular science hasnt left svens posession since february. need to constantly ask him for it. the only thing i can do is construct sentences, like how i update this thing on a daily basis. its quite understandable to me why crime rates are increasing, money is obtained much easier and in higher quantities both immorally and illegally than anything else. the temptation of eluding hardship, blood and sweat.. how bad can taking a shortcut be? an unnecessary risk no doubt. heck being alive is an unnecessary risk.

.: 5:56:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Donnerstag, Mai 8 :.
 
the Malebolge

however did i get myself that far down. i think i deserve limbo. there cant possibly be anyone left who qualifies for purgatory. second day of freezing. i left out a number of incidents from tuesday, for instance the darker more agressive of my two puyus jumped out of the tank and was waddling, skipping oh i dont know whatever their crawling motion is called all over my living room. i wasnt there but i know this because where it landed and began moving in circles there were mud marks. found it dried and preserved on the sliding glass door track :( now its partner is left all alone. i hate it when living creatures under my care die a tragic death.

while waiting for the 868, sheral spotted her beloved scrunchy on an indian girls braided hair but didnt have the guts to approach her and ask about it. so went up to her instead. i dont know whats the big deal about popping questions to strangers. just like this morning i desperately needed change for the bus fare and i got it by asking one of two people waiting for the bus. a stroke of luck was involved, i mean how often do you find someone carrying 10 rm1 coins around? i didnt bother asking for a light though.. decided id be smoking enough here at the workplace. supervisor doesnt like my colour schemes but boss said its very nice, so im saved :) sent a message to alfie to make sure the guys take me along when its time for nicotine. mmh, my head hurts.

And he then: "Follow." And he moved ahead in silence, and I followed where he led.
- Inferno, The Divine Comedy, Dante Alighieri translated by John Ciardi-

.: 7:42:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Mittwoch, Mai 7 :.
 
Sejuk

it may sound abnormal but ive been walking around the office with a glass of hot water from the pantry between both hands for most of the morning. its somewhat a lot colder in here today. gives me urges to ask for hugs. hmm. no im not a touchy feely person, any intimate physical contact with other human beings requires too much effort on my part. we have to be at the bus stop by 6am in order to beat the jam, but it is so worth it. the intolerable habits of people are beginning to get under my skin, but i decide i shall be patient enough to last the next 13 weeks. been exercising my company email account and am glad i get replies to my spur of the moment typing sprees, noone seems to type much here so the sound causes widespread panic. i also noticed noone seems to be able to type fast or something, either that or every other person is concentrating on dreamweaver.

alfie hits on me a lot. to the point of leather pants and thongs. lol. got a new member to the ciggie break club, ali from pakistan. he reminds me of someone but i cant put my finger on who. some copywriters and what not came by today and our supervisor labelled them dumbasses. i would think so, why else should an advertising firm come to an e-commerce company for help with interactive presentations. stupid. this field is too biased on a personal basis. or it could be that i suck big time at all this design work :( ho hum. a bottle of rum & coke. shift is going to be over soon.. cant think of much to put down. i get more insults than anyone i know in a day, shall ignore the negative and concentrate on the positive. for the sake of my demented emotions. fingers are freezing off. so are my toes. things are never really as bad as they seem.

.: 11:51:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Dienstag, Mai 6 :.
 
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Low
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test


actually did some work today here at the office, in between cigarette breaks after a continental breakfast. i prefer it rain in the evening rather than in the morning because the bus starts to leak and drip onto unsuspecting passengers in selected seats; like mine. so i ended up standing for an hour in the bus. its ridiculous what the people in charge of public transportation, roads and traffic control put us through. starved almost the whole of yesterday, made me crap to the extent of gollums level during the journey home.. we got the 'spa' seats at the back of the bus where the damn engine is. nothing but steam and evening sun tan. if you dont think and just let yourself talk senseless.. its really funny. you wont know you ever had it in you until you try it. for some strange reason we decided to hunt for the pair of adidas shoes 'that got away', both of us.. ended up in a stuffy sports apparel shop with a half cute chinese guy who has a scar across the top of his collarbone. i described the shoes i wanted to him and he brought out a catalogue! and there they were! going for 299 at the discounted price of 249. geez, ive only been working 5 days.

got home early compared to monday so we decided to handwash some clothes before heading over to sunway pyramid to watch x2. i havent worn jeans in days and it felt so weird. made me feel like a monkey. went early to collect the tickets and ate onion rings, curly fries and french fries. after a smoke at our regular port, we admired the turtle mobile of finding nemo (reminded me of my sui kwai), they purchased a combo and gave me the pendant thing. i wore it for hecks. there was an adidas ad before the movie, climacool range.. the shoes i wanted are probably the first of its kind. nothing is going to stop me from buying them now. black or white with blue stripes? hmm.. we sat right up front and it felt like a motion master ride. i didnt find the story all that great but the character portrayals were not bad. remy lebeau was on yurikos pc database, hank mccoy was on tv in the bar, jubilee was at the end, and perhaps one of the hostages at lake whutever. the effects were super, i still hate them for making mystique and nightcrawler so.. marred. and nightcrawler sat on furniture instead of walls. so not gargoyle. it wouldve been more interesting to watch it with people who read the comic like my lesbian friend so we can debate and stuff afterwards, but hey theres only so much one can ask for. i dont believe magnetos plastic prison works. you dont need to be overloaded with iron in your blood, we all have iron. thats what makes him so goddamn invincible o_o;; isnt it...

had chee zap chuk for supper. first real meal of the day at midnight. went home exhausted and walked into a glass door. wham. im glad i didnt lose any teeth. alfie is so nosy. he walks over here every 5 minutes and bugs me to let him see what im typing on notepad. better go before my journal gets busted.

.: 11:44:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Montag, Mai 5 :.
 
Run then.

leave him to his demons he says. it just hit me that it could mean 'fuck off' in a polite way. im in denial. im lying to myself that he loves me as much as he used to, hopefully.. more. i trick myself into thinking he does at all in the first place. i keep it alive by feeding off memories of persistent pursuit. judging by the way we got off the wrong foot, and the fact noone gets in his hair as easily as i do, its about time i left him alone. what am i talking about; i dont even exist..

some people dont need keys to your heart. they reach inside of you and take a little bit of it every time, until theres nothing left. and its no longer yours. they do as they please with it and one day, you find a bloody mess lying at your feet. do i salvage or discard? it wouldnt matter. noone would want it. never had someone to call my own. what made me think that would change? i cant cry forever. whatever happened to selflessness. that doesnt exist either.

im not a victim. neither are you. we all will things to be. i wont tolerate lizards in my house anymore. if the only way is to be used, then i might as well get something out of it.. instead of getting hooked on gaining the wrong kind of attention. that and only that. i dont even want you. but it hurts so badly because ive come to realize instead; ive grown to need you. to poke air holes in the box i call home ;_; damn my pathetic dependencies.

i could go on and on writhing. so many things i wish you could see. but at the end i still feel like nothing but a pest to you. my nails are soaked in the colour of dried blood. pain would fade eventually. just like me.

.: 9:50:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Sonntag, Mai 4 :.
 
wet laundry does not dry with the rain.

first time im making a post from the office. we got our very own company email accounts today, it feels like such a long term commitment now. sitting in separate cubicles does not seem to help us from keeping out of trouble. sheral says hie to everyone who reads this blog. even though technically its not a blog. lol. im being an annoying smartass again. last night after waiting an hour for the bloody 69, we ransacked the shoe rack for supposedly hidden house keys and marvelled at the very cleaned up apartment. which sheral had to ruin by kicking over an ashtray. we watched relic hunter and were hoping angelina jolie will take over tia carreras role, drank green tea, watched seinfeld while one of us ironed the clothes (obviously it wasnt me), then to my horror.. smartshop was advertising this new technologically enhanced version of the Quran, it looks like a pda and it actually reads out phrases and sounds like the mosque in action. all i could say was "oh my god" for about two dozen times. we wanted to watch the MAS porn but it is formatted for pc viewing only. if anyone would like to acquire it, you can request and well work something out. it turned out to be full of vagina balls (ok sheral insists its balls vagina, same difference), i cant tell the exclusiveness of circumsized cock, and hot italian sex turned out to be spanish porn. i couldnt sleep because someone was snoring her nose off, when i finally did drift off it was time to go to work. damn. we wouldve been early but the rain went from bad to worse and instead of just charging out into the wet cold morning, we waited for it to become a drizzle before starting a long journey of traffic jams and dripping water. its kinda dull sitting here for hours and having the staff pandang karat at whatever youre doing on the pc, ive got phlegm but i started smoking dunhills again. were supposed to have left the building and be on our way to school by now, but the printing process turned out a lot lengthier than we expected. a sickening pain is emerging in my chest and i have to go now. all the best to those going through rough spots in heterosexual relationships this time of year.

.: 11:45:00 nachm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.
 
youth & the infinite carelessness

an ongoing issue from four days back returns. not in a million years had i thought chucky would get here and read the demeaning perception i had of his girlfriend. or should i say ex-girlfriend. it felt crappy. it still does. i should have turned off the computer and stayed asleep.. instead of letting unknown mystics wake me up just a little while after those penang people got online. i wish i didnt give a damn about the drama between them, and kept myself far far away from any involvement. i got sms bombed by chucky at 3am, it began with Rom and ended with Cheers! :-) i dont know how i slept with the phone in one hand, subconsciously checking the inbox which was overflowing. i remembered blue skies and sunshine among nightmares. i didnt reply him at all till 12 hours after. i didnt think he needs to explain or reassure me i wasnt a homewrecker, i was touched, nonetheless the overall situation still made everything suck. my conscience tells me im bad, done irreversible damage and repeatedly reminds me i am not a psychological expert, im plain psycho.

shutted up is what i am. this is why people should keep all nasty thoughts about other people to themselves. secrets are best kept by only one person. do not assume you know what is best for other people before you can proclaim you live a perfect life without any defects at all. its hard to have to sit at the sidelines and watch love die, for me its like an endangered animal species that hope preserved with existing exempli gratia. there had always been a remaining strand linked to having faith in love. then things like these pull for all its worth at your heart strings and the tension snaps them apart, what was one now becomes two. curled in opposite corners denying they were ever together.

i shouldnt ever give in to melancholy like this, or let myself down with conjured sadness.. but one cannot do much when enveloped in it with nowhere to go but deeper. sleeping in on what is left of the weekend wasnt as rejuvenating as i hoped it would be, people who do not have to work on saturdays ask me out while my tear stained eyes refuse to open more than a crack. i have to leave my isolation again, dont know what a full week of work will do to me.. the sun is finally setting and taking all its rage and hot temper with it, my head is bloated with unimportant things such as typing while i have a bus to catch, wouldve want to be detoured to an unknown location like the last time. pack for a day or a week? i hope the associate dean doesnt bite my head off for being such a late bloomer.

.: 3:47:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Samstag, Mai 3 :.
 
{intrapersonal speech bubbles}

as i was pegging my laundry to be exposed to what little sunlight is left of today, i witnessed a man having a conversation with a bird. he whistled in reply to the birds chirps and it didnt seem to end. where it was quiet and deserted is now bustling with activity, as the new semester starts monday and my feet are being killed off slowly by pretty shoes. nocturnal as we naturally are, waking up before dawn is no easy task and getting to work before 8am is going to be a daily feat. excluding sundays. i might as well rewind and express myself in an orderly way. so the rush would stop.

gollum was telling me there is something wrong with my voice on thursday, when i said certain words in a certain way.. i would produce a 'hollow pipe' sound. i have no idea what it is like because i cannot hear myself, but i do worry about the possibility of throat cancer. thats how my grandmother died. im almost positive one thing or another is wrong with me, if so i do not wish to reverse it or attempt feeble rebellions against the appointment i shall have with death. does it not creep closer with every minute that passes by? to survive is one matter, to prolong survival is most likely blasphemous.. but noone looks forward to aging or dying, or are those two the same thing? its the close calls like stumbling at the divider of a busy road and feeling myself fall forward while watching that speeding car coming my way. theres no telling if ill see tomorrow, but since today is here i might as well.. eat bak kut teh and smoke to aid digestion.

okay that was a major sidetrack and nothing that i had intended to say. my first day of work. i missed the bus to kota raya by 2 minutes and ended up on one that was headed for serdang instead, being the lone passenger the bus driver was kind enough to take me somewhere (i still dont know where i was) where the 69 intrakota would pass by and take me where i wanted to go. one can indeed be both lucky and unlucky at the same time. to sum it all up real quick; got there intact, had supper, watched anger management and loved it. freakishly funny. now to annoy one another we sing that damn 'im so pretty' song. slept no more than three hours and had to get up to travel an hour, which includes a bus ride to kl central then to the workplace by light rail transit. this morning i only slept one. we would love to work the graveyard shift, unfortunately our supervisor thinks we are helpless. so early birds it is. an apology to cris for eating lunch without him and working unconventional hours that forego his offer to give me a lift home.

the deadline of the company logo was up on the first day itself, thus the morning was needless to say, hectic. we had to share a cubicle which kept us both rather entertained for short periods of time. after a huge lunch and much nicotine, we showed off our skills by helping alfie forge documents for medical products. or something. the kdu guy turned out to be not bad after all, but hes been put on the afternoon shift now and so has the pretty boy. there goes the people that keep our eyes open in the mornings. i sense slight sexual discrimination, though admittedly both me and sheral discriminate just about every other man that walks in the office. i doubt they think we are capable of doing any 'real' work, plus the boss is divorced and apparently has a soft spot for his female designers. and yes thats what they call us; with a strange emphasis on the word 'designer'. as for alfie, he sits in the neighbouring left cubicle so he knocks on the plastic calling for "girls" to go over and help him.

this morning we arrived 30 minutes earlier than the previous day. 7:30 am, knowing the boss is away until next wednesday and the fact noone bothers with punctuality we decided to fill up with caffeine and nicotine, lest we fell asleep unconsciously. alfie had to keep us occupied with the curiousity of which most our energy was spent, the final result being instant messaging through the network utilizing command prompt and 'net send'. if i remembered it correctly. i dont know if you can call co-workers who ask you things like why chimpanzees laugh at naked men? sexual harassment.. especially when the japanese mix malay guy asked if we would like to eat his nuts, lol, after much annoying crunching and descriptive messages, i walked over to his cubicle and stole the entire pack. theyre green peas in funky batter. the good quality ones have a distinct taste of wasabi. introductory two days and the social situation appears to be well.

we didnt go for lunch because our supervisor made us accompany him for breakfast, we did nothing but blow smoke to compliment his mushy scrambled eggs. then again we did nothing the entire time we were at work, to the point of having indian men complain in tamil that we are playing games (neopets!). which is probably the reason why others have been changed to the afternoon shift, so we would have a cubicle each to keep us from raising a ruckus together. hardy har har. then maybe i could write posts in the office and stuff. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 paragraphs already. i guess ill suppress the emotional distress of being a lightbulb and missing something i never had, perhaps never will. sometimes a lot more than others i feel the unbridgeable gap between us.. and i cant control my tear ducts. its somewhat a mixture of disappointment and neglect, makes me wish i never became so attached to you in a way youre not to me. its not being able to be there for each other that hurts the most. crucial milestones all bypassed, year after year.

i havent eaten anything all day except those red hacks sweets. oh and the green peas i took from alfie. and the countless cigarettes plus a mug of neslo in the morning. i dont want people to think im 'tweaking' at work damnit. the office is on the 5th floor and its interior is carpeted so people can sneak up on you without you realizing it. the toilets are nice and clean. the elevator has a strangely distorted reflective surface and makes me feel like ive shed a good 10kg. relatively all the kelings give us disapproving looks so it is fine for me to promote racism. taking public transport so frequently kills the joy of it, but for the better half of the time when im not falling asleep against a stranger, my mind drifts with the scenery, i imagine those thought clouds hovering above peoples heads, a variety of scents invade my nose and the ever present cough reminds me how easily i could be infected with sars. its so colourful if only i could stay awake long enough to make something out of it. or not have a couple obssessed with pda distract and remind me; im just one person who thinks too much and everything is nothing when theres noone to share it with. i despise myself sometimes.

.: 3:35:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


.: Donnerstag, Mai 1 :.
 
You know, you don't have to look like everybody else to be acceptable and to feel acceptable.
- Fred Rogers, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood -

ive always had a crush on this thing called confidence. never really had it, too much doubt surfaces. its scary how my mind plays alternate scenes of what might have been, instead of what is and was. maybe this is the ultimate paranoia. why do we worry about the way we present ourselves, for the sake of fitting in? who made the mirror, and for what original purpose? to be exposed to such narcissism at the tender age of animations like snow white and the seven dwarves, which i learned was one of the first rotoscoping techniques ever applied. enough about people and their sorry, redundant search for individuality. who are the real losers, think about it.

acrimonious is the only word to describe what i am gradually displaying on a permanent basis online. i actually think im finally growing out of the gaming, chatting, virtual everything. small talk sucks. forcing yourself to reply inane queries sucks. trying to sound pleasant sucks. guess i could blame the negative attitude for my behaviour toward online folk, met or unmet. there is no stability here. people talk to you when they need something or simply have no choice. its one giant mood swing, both genders alike. me, i dont want to put myself in a situation where i end up being tolerant. so dont bother talking to me.. the truth is i dont really want to talk to you either. rotflmao. mind games are so intense. i dont believe a psychology student could beat me at it. not with all my mental practice.

the world is a vampire. gollum got not one, but two jobs yesterday. the wonderful thing about the one in sri hartamas is that they dress casual and its a free smoking zone. the prophecy remains, we pull through despite all condescending factors. we overrule the average law abiding student! every little thing makes it feel like a rebellion, especially so when the associate dean knows me personally. i cant smoke anymore.. i end up choking badly. my throat is too dry. my right foot is dead. ouch. okay its not completely dead. im having empty flip-top box syndrome. first day of work begins in 15 hours. counting down.

.: 12:33:00 vorm. :.
~ sink your teeth in.


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:. curled up & hibernating .:

fussing over html is one of the few ways my trilinguistic aquarian female with an unhealthy dose of perfectionism malaysian chinese year of the dog born quirky bohemian free-thinker mentality occupies itself.

teddybwear: is not because im cute or stuffed, this is just my neopets username. originated from my horny pillow. it also camouflages my morbid pessimist. i suppose i could pass off as furry or huggable. happy?

fuchsia pastels: do exist and after a lot of careful blending we have the privilege of a hundred swatches or so, why not? just for the record: i'm confused about my sexuality. hehe, naw im not.

the strolling panda: reminds me to save the world. plus; it looks zombified *lächelt* roam around and see the sites?

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