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.: Freitag, Februar 28 :. 350w for everything plugged into a CPU. including the monitor. some programmer didnt tell me that. instead he said my optical mouse would use an amount of electricity that is negligible. that programmer also went straight to pluto instead of mars. i was stupid enough to try pointing the optical mouse light emitting diode into my eye. ouch. [sixthseal.com's fault] im drugged sleepy right now. went over to campus to ease my regular food craving and ended up going to dengkil with two photorealistic rendering A+++ students and one of the top flashers. i only score with essay writing subjects.. bummer. the highlight was, upon reaching the town.. the car battery died and the driver panicked, while two of our phones ring in unison, he misses a dead tree stump, i answer and proceed to chat with my rather alarmed father.. the mechanic garage we passed by earlier turns out to be closed and with a twist of fate we end up banging on foldable metal doors, the mechanic was having dinner at a nearby cha sat, so we did get help after all. at 9pm in a very undeveloped small and dark town area. i am 21 and i act like a little kid. i got punched really hard twice in the arm by gollum. waiting for the rainbow coloured bruises to show up anytime now. of course i retaliated wonderfully, threatening to shove each other into big drains was much fun too. one elf, one orc and one giant hobbit, thatd be me. im not even twice their size, i dont see how that makes me a giant but nevermind. gollum wants to be an orc now. he mutates from one to the other. oh and one very distraught driver with a broken down car. we got ourselves together and they had a decent chinese dinner. i had a second helping of dinner, or perhaps i should say supper, the cooks didnt put enough chu yau cha in the hokkien mee. its the first time ive been out since the chinese new year break. we explored the nearby area some, no point in staying at the workshop to wait, althought we did do that for an hour afterwards. i terrorized the shell stations convenience store while all three of them withdrew cash from the meps atm because we barely had ten bucks on each of us. it wasnt long before we made our way back to the bengkel and loafed around, checking out roadside papaya trees laden with green fruit, cats with balls and cats without balls, the really hot weather followed by raining frogs, movies by a certain paul thomas anderson, a pair of caged white rabbits, sitting on an isolated wooden bench, blessing each other with uncommon sense and most importantly; discussing the fact we are probably going to not make it back in time to catch the third episode of survivor: the amazon. somehow the rm210 fix-up wasnt done too good, by 11pm the car still had some problems and the owner of the workshop had to send us back to where we came from. a descriptive conversation in mandarin ensued, which i did not participate in the entire ride home. i guess i tired out from being playful. or the meals and ciggies were kicking into my system, i still had to walk from the university guard house.. ran at some point, walking can be time consuming in situations like these. some pampering is much coveted at the moment and i think i shall rest my lazy bones in their padded cushions of fat. yum. omg; its march already! .: 11:10:00 AM :. who is it that got here from www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&q=joel%5Fkyle%40hotmail%2Ecom? please own up and save me the false hope. this has such a haunting effect on me, somewhere in the back of my bloated head.. almost bursting and begging to be deflated. mmm.. crunchy fried squid is being tossed around on the waves of my digestive juices. my memory is running out of space or becoming more and more short term. i forgot to call kaninchen for the second time! but he still loves me. yay. my soft spot for cute, adorable things just got intolerable. perhaps im developing a yearning for attention? argh, no.. today is smoking day, lent my bike to juin so he can go to century square -i just discovered where that is today.. duh- for some part-time work. earns 50 under four hours, looking forward to getting pau-ed by him soon *laughs* i got to eat my chocolate-vanilla sundae for free, soft serve ice-cream is one of the ultimate product designs because you can eat the whole thing, no need for packaging.. okay that last statement was made up. roamed around with sven after 10 minutes of tutorial class, i have to stop going to class overly late, checked out the new online spb website. they still have my name under the high committee list and the site itself was a job well done, complete with floaty java navigation tables and interesting images. i had lunch with gollum, after he went to withdraw some money from the bank.. poor bugger is broke and his bank book is like ham choy. i cant remember the last time i withdrew any money from the atm machine. as a matter of fact i dont remember my pin number. so what am i living off eh? hidden money. i like to stash new, clean bills in between pages of books etc. sometimes they get lost and i wouldnt even remember it. due to popular demand from him, well not really.. i plugged in my bulky optical mouse for the first time today and it works. need some time to get used to the flashy blue and red lights = purple, also to remember to use the scroll instead of manually scrolling with the cursor. got caught in sms hell, childhood friend is on prepaid and i have no clue how she is so dedicated to type lengthy smses at one go and keep them coming. must be real bored. i know i am. no offense but i dont really care to find and compile a bunch of mushy love songs for her while she informs me of the ongoing dramas of her struggling love life. and expects feedback. constant and immediate. yeah. oh well, the price we pay for friendship aye. i was thinking how most books with really nice covers have completely worthless content, maybe just more pictures inside but once youve seen it.. it becomes nothing you havent seen? and so the outside was just a scam to reel you in by a hook, like a hungry fish tempted by a wriggling worm. theyre so expensive too. how come you dont learn your lesson but continue buying these reading material? does it even occur to you to flip thru the pages once in a while and investigate whats really inside? new books are a turn off for me. they seem virgin and fragile, have to be kept clean and the pages turned carefully in order not to crease them. whats so bad about a crummy used book, a little rough around the edges.. doggy eared and pages stained with unidentified marks, probably food. theyre comfortable and easy to handle, dont mind getting nicked here and there, or being attacked by dustpuppies. oh and loose pages are no problem either, as long as you keep them in place. dont want to be in the middle of a car chase and meet in an accident now do we. anyway enough of the bs, eapie is coming to kl for the weekend and invited me to watch lotr with his brother and friend, i screamed no, i dont want to be one of the guys. lol. kaninchen wouldnt be too happy about it as well.. if i were to go anywhere to meet new people itd have to start with my old unpaid debts, slowly work them off from there. *yawn* juin didnt get any job, there goes my sponsorship. if you are as estatic to learn how to model catwoman in maya as gollum is; go here. i find it weird gollum can overdo his s-es but cannot roll his tongue to do continuous rrrrs. may the feline one be with you. .: 2:05:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Februar 27 :. Es ist wolkig i have regained faith in the german language. even though my pronunciation still sucks, ive realized i recognize a lot of what has been taught and can understand simple passages related to previous lessons. juhuu! but i cant write it on my own, german conjugates and gender obsessions are intimidating. they also mean you can write a sentence that means a world of difference to what you had in mind. sitting next to busto is always a prozac in my belly, because hes almost hopeless at everything. but hes not registered and doesnt have to take the exam so he can afford to play dumb. many people ask me if his hair is really a wig, or whether he perms it to maintain the afro he naturally has. lol. a classmate actually approached him to ask how to get that hairstyle of his. i want his casio film watch with them tiny pixel animals running around, theres even an animated elefant and it has a psychedelic green backlight. hes always got all sorts of study related apparel and this heightened sense of creativity that evokes jealousy from others. damnit. i stayed up till 5am this morning to prepare a powerpoint presentation for the moral group work revolving around the theme; family. the presentation itself was alright, people were edgy from lack of sleep, snippets of american beauty played on the big screen, and as always you have the ones who work behind the scenes compiling the content, the ones who stand there and kong yeh sou with admirable self confidence, the ones who do nothing. now i am stuck with the issue of mathematics and science being taught in english, seems harmless enough to be transformed into an ethical journal entry. i found the light pastel blue scrunchy! with a creamy orange-beige and light yellow to keep it company. my hair is done up in pig tails, sure would go with the school girl uniform kaninchen likes. paedophilic pornographic fantasy materialized. sure-fire cure all. i digress. somehow i got tricked into buying a handphone carrier i doubt id ever use after today, its unique though, shaped like a cheong sam with embroidered fabric and gold trimmings. i decided on the pale gold one with some help from juin, they all looked so adorable, it was difficult to choose. sven didnt make things any easier by insisting i wear it immediately -i am not accustomed to these uh.. accessories- then trying to persuade me to pick out some beads and string them together for my handphone to complete the look. omfg can they get any more gay than they already are? it felt like 'accessorize van yie day'. everytime either one of them is mysteriously missing from their hostel room, i will receive a message with the question of whether that mia person is with me. or if i know of his whereabouts. shucks. oh well, at least i didnt buy a piece of bark which i am sure i will find absolutely no use for. maybe the journal with its covers made of bark.. hmm.. the juniors have been briefed about the majors theyre allowed to take and interface design was said to be the highest paying when it comes to the working world. *smirks* thats awfully nice to know. maybe i could earn enough next time to not have to eat maggi mee so i wont have to starve and get gastric. damnit the gas bill came and i only used rm1 worth of gas but the minimum fee is 10. ive been cheated for a year now. hmph. i wish i hadnt invested in that optical mouse. it just sits there and stares at me and i stare back at it.. i wonder if its okay in terms of karma for a hungry person to steal food? .: 4:34:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Februar 26 :. yesterday. i couldnt get up. its oft a bad sign for me when the body overrides the mind and i have to set more than one alarm clock to get myself remotely out of bed. i spent rm145 on a slim hardcover big picture book. i couldve spent less on fatter books with more pictures but i passed on the starck. idsa approved sounds so much more professional. thats my reason for it being almost twice as expensive. wouldve cost the same amount if i ordered it from america, so it was worth it i guess. not to mention the historical walkthrough of 20th century design i got for free. im one of those suckers for freebies. and cute stuff.. like the white miniature bubble wrap textured book with a 3d extrusion of an icon resembling desktop files and the word jpeg on it. no money :( anyway all these picture books cost a bundle. the ones that would help me in the quest of an unreachable A make me feel geeky. later on i was recommended something funky to check out, it is an eyeful with lots of information related to food. the educational expenditure will cause me to pinch my meal fund, and the indulgence of all unnecessary, health deteriorating junk. stupid book. transition. between yesterday and today. after convincing myself i should, i would and finally; i have to.. i joined renderosity so i wouldnt have to memorize gollums pin number (but its so easy i already have) and they have a nice variety of tutorials for 3d modelling and rendering software, which i cant say im interested in but shall have to push myself to learn and master. ugh. oh well, i could pass some of the finished work as portfolio material.. if i ever get around to compiling anything and finding myself a placement. while im feeling all id-ish, bandur comes along with his comet that is going to end the world. even if its course does not collide with earth, it giant swishy tail is going to shower us with debris, making the air unbreathable and wreak havoc on our weather, creating natural disasters everywhere. no wonder its been getting so hot these days. sounds like no time better than now to just drop everything and enjoy the rest of our remaining days. yay. my lovely connection goes down at this point leaving me hanging with unfinished tasks and reading, and i head for lalaland with the thought of sabotaging the rapid prototyping machine so the mornings work wont have to be done. today. my thoughts came true and the rp machine really was out of order :) i woke up an hour late for class and arrived with only 20 minutes to go, the night was an ongoing reality tv in my head. i dreamt of the guy who gave me my first (and only) rose, fragaria vesca and cream cake which was marvelous and this whole high school reunion bullshit which had me completely out casted, and of all people, her. i never liked dreaming, good or bad. spent some time toying with an advanced computer controlled lego on wheels with lego webcam, set on a neck that can move up, down, left and right. really awesome stuff. anyway got out of class and went hunting for the light pastel blue scrungees (however that is spelt) i spotted yesterday but they were no more, there wasnt any sundae over at mcdonalds either *pout* i did however get a new addition to my educational picture books, this one teaches me how to draw the pictures im looking at with new marker techniques. half the instructions are in japanese. she just called not too long ago to tell me that a number 69 intrakota bus blew up nearby her apartment in puchong. apparently its quite a massacre, even though all i can do is imagine the situation from her description. cant be a good thing that buses can overheat to the extent of exploding.. or was it a suicide bomber? lol, nah. poor innocent penumpang though. why did she call just to tell me that? the strange events never come to an end. i want that t-shirt too. however, i dont want to argue with you about whether product prices will rise as a result of trades made fair. i only hope you never find yourself a part of cheap labour surviving on outrageously underpaid wage. .: 4:36:00 AM :. .: Montag, Februar 24 :. If I Turn and Run. my eyelids are heavy. the day was long and dreary after i got the quack diagnosis of my mind and was directly told to better myself, my quality of life with some getting physical involved leaving me bruised. and a short-lived sore. i was on the verge of tears because they wouldnt leave me alone. people and their expectations of you. it seemed like i had made many wrong choices and none right, and every other action i make, decision i voice out.. gets interrogated, and it shrinks into submission with the barking of hounds. i dont want to achieve any greatness, its perfectly fine to be the audience and not the singer, not norah jones, not john mayer, not coldplay with the philharmonic orchestra. yet i wish i werent such a let down all the time. if i could be who you wanted all the time. all this messing with my head, confusing my happiness, do you say the world does not revolve around me because you feel left out or obviously youre trying to tell me youre the center of the universe? so if i am content, it means i am selfish in some way to have gotten a hold of this contentment and i am supposed to sacrifice it in order to aid your progress of being too full of yourself? why does everything work both ways when it should only work one.. to avoid clashing ignorance. accuse me of denial, im born defiant. my muscles ache. finish what you are supposed to do while doing what you want to do. can it get any easier than this. it burrows a dark emptiness within to initiate fulfillment on behalf of what the system wants me to create. what will be of my drifters and dreamers then? i beg you not to convert me into what they are. what you are. it wears me out. .: 11:37:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Februar 23 :. racing against rain that could pour any time, the dried oval leaves dancing in the wind joining my pace simulating a sound almost similar to falling drops of rain as they hurriedly rolled over the ground like tiny tumbleweed. the wind is so violent it pushes those heavy metal gates to a forbidden area open, as i happen to walk by. mere coincidence? yesterday was the final day of our interfaculty sports carnival or whutever it is actually called, i had walked over just to satisfy the food yearning and supply od hopper whom will be referred to as gollum here after, with the cheapest nicotine fix i could find. im thankful for friends who stay up just as late as i do and entertain me should i ask for it, sometimes even when i dont. its really nice to have friends who dont care if youre a scruffy mess with bad skin, or at least act like they dont care.. makes me feel like i have blood brothers. im not even as good on terms with my cousins as i am with them. i manage to drop the self-conscious bashing around them, dont mind going out to meet them with a giant zit emerging. if only it was that easy with the rest of the world. i think its the first time i ever carried an umbrella to school. also the first time i forgot my nokia and made the rash decision of just waltzing up to the top floor of the guys hostel block where gollum resides, to inform him i am there, risk getting caught by a nosy suspicious guard whom i hastily avoided by wandering off to the opposite fire escape stairs. luckily only one topless male saw me in action, gollum excluded. luckily again, he didnt scream. haha. what an adrenaline rush. ascending sucks. first time i ever dropped a pack of cigarettes on the way over. back tracking to find it after a 4pm lunch, we found a rather flattened red box on the road. i wonder how many times it got run over, lol. poor sticks. just this morning, around half past three.. gollum insisted i make a call to confirm the deaths of merry and pippin, lol, and me the fool to comply to that request. anyway the minutes pass and all for the sake of juin, we bear witness to the finals of the basketball tournament, while i paraded my non-existent knowledge of the sport and was expected to do solo cheerleading.. my faculty representatives were squashed like bugs and lost with all the sportsmanship there is. management chicks are real screamers. i wonder if they get to the same level of excitement in bed. i cant bear to sit at a computer that is offline. i also dont like it when the paid for broadband service becomes non-functional without warning. i may be unpunctual but posting old news sucks. .: 7:00:00 PM :. .: Samstag, Februar 22 :. from blueberry to lemon to robot, getting infected with neomonia. all in a days work i guess. i got caught on the way to pay my internet fees by one of three monkeys and they followed me home, ransacked the place, took selected vcds, muruku and curiously devoured a freshly opened airtight bag of ba kua, which they concluded was similar to beef jerky, took the remains back to their almighty leader. leaving behind a full tray of thirty chicken eggs. that was yesterday. today i argued with vlad about wa tan hor which i am craving for all over again, he has no idea what i am talking about and introduced me to yuit kong hor instead, directly translated as moon noodle, which is char kuey teow with a raw egg cracked over it then mixed together by the person eating it so you end up with something like half cooked egg in your order. interesting. im hungry. i havent eaten a decent meal today. woke up at three pm oblivious to two messages on my phone, one I love you. from kaninchen and the other Yay! I'm still alive! from eapie who decided to dump half a bottle of bleach in his bathroom to get rid of stubborn stains and the smell was so overwhelming he thought he would die from it. actually i sort of gave him that suggestion and he cursed me to be a billionaire by 25. cool. i broke the one week abstinence with four gold rings just now, thanks to juin who came to scare the daylights out of maximus and watch tv with me because it rained and he couldnt leave. he was supposed to buy me my wa tan hor but the stupid shop wasnt open and -i dont know why- he ended up buying nangka instead. maybe i shall keep it that way, instead of cold turkey, cutting down to one day a week. investigating the mystery present lou kung got for me -even though i call him a cheapskate it would be nice to have the present right now- it ended up being baked beans, straw mushroom and tau si fish, all of which id be more than happy to eat at the moment. well thats the first conscious effort anyone has given to preparing me a mock present. damn im hungry. erm.. i think someone just called and asked if this is mano maniams number. .: 5:10:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Februar 21 :. the first half of adaptation. was wonderful. and there is nothing more i can say about it that hasnt already been mentioned here. what was originally set to be a movie about flowers mutated into everything held taboo for this particular screenplay, nevertheless i would still consider that nature was the protagonist and there was enough footage and talk about plants to keep me a happy viewer. the author must have wrote a beautiful book, judging by the few profound phrases they choose to quote here and there. i dont have a particular interest in orchids but heck if i knew a bright green happy drug could be extracted from the 'ghosts', id be wading in swamps too. that stuff looks so appealing wouldnt mind snorting it, forgive me its been five days since any mood altering substances and i never felt unhealthier.. but i was smitten with the orchid which resembles turtles :) and couldnt help wondering if what laroche said earlier applied to these non-insect lookalikes. im easily awed by simple pondering. one of the smaller dark green flower pots is mysteriously filled with shamrocks, those three-leaf clovers. i find this interesting what with st. patricks day around the corner. the soup tin is infested with wriggling larvae of something i cant identify. argh. twelve hours ago, i was busy whacking and admiring some amazing interactive animation. i dont ever hope to be able to do that though, that doesnt stop me from being appreciative. it must be pretty inspiring for the flash-ers. if you like piling up pink pigs however, then by all means do. lou kung asked for my mailing address last night, to send me a present according to him that is big and can be eaten. im sure he was just teasing though, like what happened with the weenie baby bunny i was supposed to get anyway. those things are no longer in production some more *sniff* i dont like to pretend to be someone i am not. so hurray me i told him i just got out of a rough spot in my life and i am very happily single. the word very for emphasis. i made my speech, spontaneously it sounded pretty good to me. *pats myself on the back* okay so i feel guilty for letting him down so harsh, theres a cantonese proverb that goes, short pain is better than long pain. its also lucky that i rejected this beginning of a whutever, because the scheming male revealed to me he had purchased two tickets to the prom next month. how threatening can this get with someone like me o_0 man, he had big plans for all this to go well. maybe if he started earlier and didnt come on so strong. im relieved i just got my discomfort out in the open, even though i most likely broke an innocent heart. there are just some people you can manja with and others that are limited to casual confrontations. this experience was one of the latter. him: nothing ever turns out the way i want it join the club. .: 12:33:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Februar 20 :. Guess what's in my hand? * ( ' ''''() * *(''( 'o', ) stars ('')('')(,,) my childhood friend caught them especially for me. haha. she doesnt remember what date i was born on either. but it was a very sweet note, i appreciate it despite the fact she sent it at 6:09:12 which is an odd time. ah i envy her, a few years back she told me that if she died then, it wouldnt matter because she has done all there is to do at her age. loosely translated as deflowered, clubbed, drunk, smoked, dated, separated and everything related. pretty darn shallow huh. and then today i was pitied for being a person without dreams. sigh. yknow that spiral he is always talking about, im beginning to feel it. i was given a scenario; im informed im going to die from a disease called two year cancer. discarding all financial limitations and responsibilities, what would i want to do in that amount of time. i couldnt answer. not really because i dont have dreams, i mean cmon everyone has dreams whether they say they do or not.. but because this 'if' is not a possibility. why wait for a two year appointment to see death when it could be just two days away? who knows when it will end, so why not just start now.. because the bloody limitations and responsibilities are there. theyre real, you cant just run away and pretend it never happened. being a designer for swatch would be nice. i think id get a lot of job satisfaction. thats not a two year thing, its an ambition. give me two years and id settle for painting something really nice. and hope magic: the gathering would grant my death bed wish of putting it on an expensive high ranking card. lol. then maybe a century later someone would have kept one in mint condition and id be in a small way immortalized. model my hands. why didnt i choose to see the world? ah whats there to see when you dont have someone to see it with. if i ever embarked on such an expedition all by myself.. id keep a journal about it. like this. 'tis common, its already being done. i thought i would see all the people i have yet to meet, but i decided against it.. since it would be sad to end up apart in extremity anyway. an answer i never expected myself to say; find God. sounds like a joke but its not. maybe if i really set my mind to it, i could come up with my own brand of religion. *laughs* ever seen a sad smile? ive been seeing more and more lately. im rather sad myself, that german isnt working out well for me. i cant spell and i cant speak, its a nightmare. just like the fact i wasnt dreaming last night and it was all really happening. i had no idea he was corny.. i gave the standard excuse of assignments (i really have work to do and it aint no little thing) but he didnt buy it. argh. im so screwed this time, its not just a date that hes seeking out. this is full-fledged courting. whatever did i do to get this far? they should make an instruction book for people like me who cant live life and make it look like fun. every other thing just has to be something bad in my eyes. im short-sighted yet i look too far. maybe i should just tell him im unavailable and pay someone to role-play as my significant other. nah not pay, bribe perhaps. or blackmail.. blackmail is good. hell with all of these emotional burdens. i am going to check out the career opportunities over at the wizards of the coast.. .: 4:42:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Februar 19 :. Aquarius is the sign most likely to forget about sex entirely. ~FakePlasticTrees~ says: u nie kekadang kinky jugak eh damnit i forgot about the radiohead cd. now i wont get to loop fake plastic trees all night long. i have a headache from reading my surname repeatedly on a couple of badly photostated papers stapled together to make a mid-term exam book. i never could study more than a day before the exams start, and i was joking about the whole first borns are natural geniuses theory. for the past year i have often found myself feeling stupid. and doing stupid things. like letting people grow on me to the extent of going out of my way for them. like how i used to be infatuated with my little ponies. anyway i cant wait to go to bed so ill just wrap things up. i spent the wee hours of the morning chatting with mr. smiley face (he insists a survey is not a survey if you require the person answering the survey to put their name on the form) seeing as how i have to call him sir in every other sentence i found it really weird to have him encouraging me to find and marry a rich man, whilst discussing cd-roms on chickens, the disappearing placements for practical training due to 10k other institutions having theirs at the same time, why blood donations are evil (except for the bumiputeras), cancelling this mornings class because i told him we have two papers in the afternoon and night, all this chit chat leading to nowhere as he accuses me of being lazy -duh- and demands i drink livita or some tongkat ali shit so i wont sleep and spend the time studying instead. too bad. i ended up spending quality time buying birthday cupcakes for hottie and recently turned pyriel into a freaking blueberry chia. im beginning to love the lab ray. I don't ask for perfection, all i want is to stand in front of a full-length mirror in my underwear, consider my reflection and arrive at this conclusion: "Damn i look good." having issues with self-confidence is big trouble. actually my issues are with fashion and cosmetics. wtf. im trying to type relevant things as quick as i can and am not doing very well at it, i do believe someone is trying to ask me out on a date.. holy shit. of all people. the words: 'i have chosen you to be my queen' never sounded so scary in my life. okay so we are talking about aliens and vampires so maybe im overreacting. please please please dont let this be happening. omfg. he thinks i think hes not good enough for me. h.e.l.p. "what will make you certain that this isn't a dream?" hell yea he just confirmed it. its just a date. were not getting married. im flabbergasted. i feel like a little kid. i dont know what to say. how can he even consider pulling something like this off.. somebody pinch me. Aquarius Love Keywords: Friendly, charming, open minded, liberal, accepting, non-judgmental, playful, spontaneous, erratic, eccentric, undependable, non-committal, aloof. .: 6:36:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Februar 18 :. kuey kak with egg and kiwi sai mylo the needle tip of the empty syringe pressed firmly against the opposite of my elbow (i heard once it was called krelbow in a sitcom but that sounds like a fib). i cant believe i paid 13 bucks to let a strange man do this to me. it stung slightly when my skin broke and the vacuum tube sucked dark blood right out of my vein, my gaze had froze on the vein itself, im a vein-y person.. the busy streams containing hemoglobins, food etc. can clearly be seen everywhere i care to look. right under my thick skin the patterns look like some evenly spread out gin seng root. ive been hanging out with juin too much. and he tells me he has hepatitis b or something, which is bad news since we do share drinks and food. also, the blood donation campaign is back and i wasnt sure if i should endure the finger pricking only to be rejected as i had previously been. liar said it didnt hurt. i shouldnt have looked, because now i am very capable of doing intravenous drugs. he pulled the needle out, leaving a streak of blood on my skin and i launched into whine mode. blood screening results take a month to process, i will not have the same spot penetrated twice in one day, so.. maybe ill try to offer them my blood to 'SAFE LIFE' on thursday. approximately an hour after the day ends, i was serenaded by a rainbow. nah, i actually punished someone for thinking my birthday is tomorrow. i feel so dominating all of a sudden, i had been only teasing both times i requested for a sing-song performance, juin actually burst out into song in the food court while clapping. i poked him in the stomache to make him stop. the other was on negotiating terms, i had no idea the person was so submissive :) since he sang on the phone it was bearable, i mustve been blushing, i dont know.. i miss the calls he used to make while im already in deep sleep. he hardly calls me anymore but still manages to rack up a bill of hundred over, do any males actually admit being buayas? *sigh* i have lots to do in preparation for tomorrow, i took a test which tells me i am more left brain oriented than right brain which cant be good for what i am studying right now. and i need someplace to apply for industrial training, itd be kinda fun if i could do it in penang i think. sheesh i dont even have an existing portfolio. why am i so unbelievably lazy and unproductive? oh well. as steven said to me yesterday; its never too late to change. .: 1:10:00 AM :. .: Montag, Februar 17 :. - Ralph Waldo Emerson - happy birthday to me. as he so humbly wrote without any sign of dissatisfaction. i admire that to the extent of seeing myself as an awful whiny brat. haha. its not an exaggeration to say this was one of the worst days i have had, and so it was that i dwelled on what i didnt have.. only to realize i was missing out on what i did have :) such a screwed up day and i can still smile.. suddenly i feel matured inside. if only the outside were the same. i had dreaded this day, and at the same time looked forward to it.. coincidentally enough i had set reminders for andy and ian the night before, i dont remember why.. andy sang happy birthday to me via sms at the stroke of midnight after his pair of glow-in-the-dark stars so brightly caught the eye of my mind, cynthia picture smsed me, and ian was the first to call. i could hear the pitious tone in his 'oh's when i answered his questions. no i wasnt celebrating, i was sick in bed. maybe deep down inside i knew i was appreciating all the wrong people and turning my nose up at the right ones. i was upset at those who should have remembered but did not, as only those you hold dear can possible inflict.. but ah, the eventful day has barely begun. i slept at 4am i guess, tossing and turning in denial that i have indeed been forgotten. i woke up to mis excited greeting, telling me i have a card in the mail with ten bucks to buy junk and stuff myself. mmh.. they should make every birthday a holiday so i wont have to go to school on mine. fat hope. the sun was blazing mid-air and i mentally prepared the unwilling body for a long day ahead of keeping quiet and working on assignments. it has always intrigued me in a sadistic kind of way, who remembers and who doesnt, almost as though i am using it as a test of loyalty. okay i lost myself there. no, im not miss popularity and i wouldnt be caught dead having a surprise party thrown my way, nor do i let the reminder do its job on icq. it eludes me how people who do not know to begin with are to find out, with my hush-hush attitude. unable to contain myself, i ended up telling some rather distant people who just happened to be online, namely maeve and reaper, boy did i sulk like crazy with eapie. all the negative emotions had to go somewhere, im sorry it went your way. low profile continues to work its magic, getting sms wishes from lin and eva together with promises of a postponed celebration which will have to wait until i get back to the hometown. i worked my way to and fro the pc whilst making cardboard shoes, and feigning a non-smoker status toward the end of class. these people wouldnt have believed that i smoke, heck they dont even know a nicotine patch is called a nicotine patch. i followed someones spur of the moment advice and left a trail of hints to no avail, valentines grasp is indeed a lot stronger than my tugging at heartstrings. despite that, i later found out that crying on his shoulder and evoking lots of affectionate gestures could actually lure a lost organ back to its owner, i have to say that returning it is as euphoric a good present as any. though i might only be trying to smooth my ruffled fur. if it were real id be breathless from the cozy nest of comforting and heart beats accompanied by sweet words of unknown origin. also i would have bitten you until you realized what day it is. HA. steven decides he would remember me after half the day, and him being the only person i reminded (only because he asked repeatedly), jealous that noone had my name on their status messages or screennames unlike luckier people, i made the mortal mistake of telling avi who alerted the rest of the monkeys. so i got threatened to be dumped into the pool. damnit. it was raining and i couldnt go home, this had to be the most depressing part yet.. i met up with steven for two sticks, ironing out my sucky day. i watched a plastic thingie twirl around in a clearing before it disappeared. flicked neither one of those filters into the intended target, ended up walking home in the rain, nearly slipped countless times but made it back in one piece. like a trained pigeon flying back to its little hole after doing its job. im beginning to see this place as a cage, and me as an animal cooped up for so long even if you left the door wide open, itd be too frightened to run away. so it just remains the way it is, alone, scared, lacking exercise, oversleeping, a lot of talk and no action. lol. im not sure why i craved for cake this year, and as though my thoughts were on live broadcast, ian calls and says hes bringing something over for me; cake. at least one year of my pathetic existence, i must have a birthday cake(s) like holden did. must. im really touched by the whole slice of cocoa mocha cake affair since he does not live in the area and i doubt he just happened to be around. with a refrigerated slice of cake. must have given my mother funny ideas, which i tried desperately to erase afterwards :) it really is a funny idea, i cant wipe the grin off my face thinking about it.. one of those possibilities you do not venture any further to discover the outcome. im also promised all three seasons of gilmore girls, not like i want it so badly.. didnt know guys watch it because of the chicks acting in it. hell, i dont know why i watch it. uhm, the amazingly intelligent and tongue twisting banter? among other things.. hmm. hey somethings missing here.. where are the nicely wrapped boxes with things ive no use for in them? finally decide its safe to come online, i discover their yahoo and msn feature happy birthday my name -spelt wrongly as usual- and people who couldnt be bothered start wishing me thru this advertising service they so generously provided. i decided to break the news to juin whom ive been pissing off the entire lunch time, who reacted with "oh my god", then proceeded to take second place in singing happy birthday in text to me online. since sven is his roommate, it feels like i caused a brush fire by now.. he actually apologizes *gasp* and makes a big deal over it, saying i shouldve told them earlier so we could have celebrated in class *shrivels* or bought stuff and cooked dinner at my place. he even asked me if i wanted to them to come over right now. oh noo.. i never had a thing for that. i look at photos of me when i was 2 and i didnt look like i had a thing for it. the cake, candles and crowd. its weird but i find the happy birthday song most absurd. when sung especially. ugh. fairuz is buying me lunch tomorrow, nothing to do with today.. strange. jon and mavis smsed me last, claiming she wanted to stand out and pretend she forgot. sure fooled me. every year, i have one person in mind that i long to hear from. and every year, that person completely forgets. its really sad but comical, to think that just one wish is still too much to ask for. .: 7:49:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Februar 15 :. i woke up today and realised that i dont have a heart anymore. it was unholy to witness just moments after he said that; the sky clouded over and thunder rumbled, was it my imagination that it rained or did it really rain, just briefly.. all the bleakness of a threatening storm and not a trickle. even the heavens hold back sometimes. i had other things in mind to jot down for what seemed like another lazy saturday, reflecting the quality time i had with od hopper and my parents diagnosis of me having the common flu, with vlad sharing my inability to breathe comfortably thru my nose, papa asking me suspiciously last night whether i had plans. i wish i did. i also wish i didnt exist for the past 20 years. oh and i satisfied my craving for wa tan hor on campus, it cheered my sick self up some. three of us surrounded by three playful kittens, one black, one tabby-ish and one splattered white. id rather not have a heart than be heart-broken. the whore has been silently pure of misgivings for a while now, returned to me by mouth of a strange animal on a lonely morning, tainted with dirt and grime. he never got around to saying something corny like "you stole my heart thats why i dont have a heart anymore", which bimbo would have, its just one of those understandings between us. when i get torn apart, my emotions alternate between worst case scenario and good news. so while part of me urges the overflowing burst of tears.. the other cracks silly jokes in hope of reducing the water level so i wont drown the innocent creatures around me. when will i learn to put myself first. im glad he finally told me the reason why. even though i took it like a fork in the eye, gathered my fattest pillow in my arms, collapsed on the sofa while a million thoughts previously hidden and neglected swiftly made themselves known and fought for my attention. i blindly cried. you would too, if you had an eating utensil impale your iris. but yea, i was glad. proud even.. that he told me instead of stashing it away in a pandoras box. i never liked having to guess whats bothering another person, it can be so tedious to coax it out of them just so things could be put right. even so, can they be put right so easily where as it took so much effort to discover what was wrong? i feel my worth decrease day after day.. eventually i will turn out as worthless as.. nevermind. ive lost track of what i intended to say. lets look on the bright side; i effect him. drastically. go me. which could only represent how deep his affections for me run. it was pretty darn cute for him to confess he wanted to be my valentine. like wow, can i give myself any more credit. now that im calm and actually thinking properly, it isnt so bad. yea.. aside from the fact i am still strung out and addicted to a phantasmagorical life. it cant get any better than this. i guess my heart will never quit being a vagrant, seeing as how noone can offer a permanent home. secretly i wish she never came back to me, that it shattered, disintegrated, got eaten whole by some famished beast.. anything.. but this. .: 3:35:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Februar 14 :. with or without you my hair is wilting, i can barely breathe, my head is in constant pain and it is what day.. tiu. i detect the presence of phlegm (used to spell it as flem in primary school) and mucus among other things deteriorative to my body, cant help fearing the possibility of denggi or worse. sitting here with lethargy and ailment for company in my favourite cheap flowery bandeau given to me by a stale lover, very stale.. at this point i shall start referring to him as bastard. while steven walks me through some of the symptoms of this stupid mosquito disease. im not sure if im looking at red spots caused by bites or the fever, anyhow the culprit remains those annoying mosquitoes that hum in my ear. what day is it again? submission day for my group research thesis, which is momentarily still a blank word document stating 1/1 pages. oh and its valentines day. in a state of hypnosis i had gone down to see someone not quite female, and not quite male either. just listening for the most part while envying two kids climbing up and sliding down one of those grassy mounds. i wonder if they will grow up to be an item. a sparrow hopping about with a strand of transparent plastic in its small beak, perhaps to make a semi water-proof nest in one of the many trees. sadi is looking for a tree to talk to and turned down my offer to pretend to be one. even though i promised i would keep silent. a guy dressed in black carrying a bouquet of flowers made his way toward my apartment block, the roses didnt look too fresh, evil flower executioner. people are asking me if he called, i dont know if it counts if i asked him to call, forgetting the conversation simultaneously as it is spoken, failing to return the wake up call. i am so full of disappointments. enlightment to why ive been sneezing a lot more than usual, my insinuations have taken effect on one of the greats, i dont know where i harboured all this sarcasm from but i assure you its usually unintentional. i wouldnt say i have a sharp wit, just a rather nasty mind. about not taking budgets into consideration when it comes to making me a happy bitch, hell yeah thats a wonderful thing. i expect to be showered with gifts and have my love bought. and given tummy rubs when i roll over. that reminds me of cucciolo. time for a little dedication from the hopeless romantic & visionary. grüss dich E. i had toy elephants as birthday gifts two years in a row. only one is with me. you are the one who taught me to wash behind my ears and between my toes, promoting over the counter products which reduce pore size. insulted people who made soup for me, then tried to make up for that with self-proclaimed miraculous concoctions to banish acne forever. you listened to me when i had to talk, i hated you for not talking back but instead pouring your heart out to others. the very first mention of diamonds came from vern, you always surprised me with your independence in making stupid decisions and wasting money on shopping. you were the girl and i was the boy. we never met. as you said, if we were never at a distance we never would have met. you got married and it seemed the plan of having baby pcs would never materialize. you loved tulips. you bimbo. forgive me for thinking you daft, its one of the traits i fell for. i never appreciated bad english as much as when it came from you. you would have taken great care of me. i know it. when you started putting on weight, it upset you so badly. i never loved you more. you became a loving father to a child that wasnt even your own. remember how you wanted to dress up in a french maid costume to welcome me home after work? lol. you could cook and i couldnt. for some strange reason you became vegetarian, then bugged me about minced pork with ginger. we could really see our future together. that was happiness for me. having the hots for a somewhat gay, insecure blue eyed boy. i always got so jealous when it came to other females in your life. especially since your mother comes first. but it was alright, you dreamt of marrying me and it wasnt a nightmare. i hated myself for making you cry. so i cried with you. haha. you were the only fix with head and tail. i still use the name i gave you for my passwords. happy valentines day cucciolo.. wherever you may be. i hope youve found yourself and bliss. ti amo. bis später E. "Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart or it's flame burns low." .: 1:45:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Februar 13 :. i want a husband who buys me I ♥ MY WIFE mug. for my birthday. i wouldnt know about valentines day though. edgy and hyped up. i had such a long energy consuming night. the nymph of the perverse felt playful and decided to taunt me with her dirty little mouth. i thought it had been mutually gratifying, but as always.. i was wrong. i wish i knew what went wrong. it had all went so well, worth the exhaustion and 80% discount on my sleep.. i feel very lacking right now. to think i had glowed the earlier part of the day. probably because of the sweet three worded sms, which is one whole word extra from the last two word sms. i slept no more than an hour before the rude awakening for redundancy. moral and ethics presentations by chinese educated people prove extremely entertaining. first; their pronounciation is very exotic. second; their direct translations murder the english language. third; my favourite; they come up with completely fictional facts and try to pass them off as truth with a serious-i-mean-business expression. the topic was pollution. apparently our government has a law that can punish automobile users who pump diesel into their mode of transportation. yea right. then oil spills (i love this one) 'dirty the bird's in the ocean. wtf. the us of a condemn us for using plastic bags because theyre non-bio-degradable, while they use paper bags which exhaust natural resources from under developed countries such as indonesia and malaysia. i would highlight the stupidity but dont you think it shines right through already? can it get any more obvious they didnt do research and just went up front to talk cock. i doubt it. yes ignorant foreigners, malaysians still live in tree houses and wear animal skins.. no were not there yet.. were still wearing leaves. how to bad mouth outsiders when born and bred locals know close to nothing about their own country.. omfg. heck, amidst the smirks i managed to reel up a memory bit and sent a birthday greeting to mavis. how could i forget. elephants dont. i liked my elephant. i mean the thai shorts 'my elephant' by songyos sugmakanan. once upon a time, a boy meets an elephant. the elephant meets the teacher. and... the boy is just so adorable. i feel paedophilic already. seven shorts all together with two being censored out, selected from the thai short film and video festival. it was interesting, even though my eyes stung from lack of rest and my head swam with effort to process the audio and visuals being fed off the projector. 'true nature' by thawatong tangsajjapoj was a very elaborate 2d masterpiece, im pretty damn sure he was inspired under the influence of weed or some other mood altering substances, what with the colours swirling and blending and dissolving from one geometrical pattern into another. 'drawing book' by pakpoom in-mai makes me want to be vegetarian for all the right reasons. also my own personal reasons if i were not so weak as to give in to gluttony and temptations of the flesh. i have a musical childhood friend who prefers eating fish because she thinks they dont suffer like chickens etc. do. its still a life slaughtered to be put on the table. i cant see the difference. this is also precisely why one should never waste food. another living thing had to stop living, call it a sacrifice if you will, so you could continue living.. i do not see gratitude in half eaten meals because you are watching your weight. why the hell did you order that amount then. you dont know what you got till its gone. i forked over rm50 to get an optical mouse. does this mean i wont have to wear glasses while at the pc next time? d'oh. anyway, german class was cancelled and i bonded a little with the other students from engineering and it. i hadnt expected to get picked up on the way home, it was drizzling massively but still not quite raining.. shuresh gave me a ride and i absolutely knew i had dropped something as i got into the car. the trusty anchor ice pen that has been with me producing smooth blue script for the past five years. tercicir. such ill luck.. i shall try to recover it tomorrow. in the meantime, fingers crossed it doesnt get run over by something that can break it. .: 2:14:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Februar 11 :. Happy Birthday When your mother has grown older, When her dear, faithful eyes no longer see life as they once did When her feet, grown tired, No longer want to carry her as she walks - Then lend her your arm in support, Escort her with happy pleasure. The hour will come when, weeping, you Must accompany her on her final walk. And if she asks you something, Then give her an answer. And if she asks again, then speak! And if she asks yet again, respond to her, Not impatiently, but with gentle calm. And if she cannot understand you properly Explain all to her happily. The hour will come, the bitter hour, When her mouth asks for nothing more. By Adolf Hitler, 1923 (translated from German) .: 10:39:00 AM :. .: Montag, Februar 10 :. i am thoroughly amused. i; the most over used word in our vocabulary. upon searching for the actual meaning of rose-tinted glasses, i stumbled upon a religion related sex site. i havent read it yet, but perhaps those of you who are horny and in love would like to. just to determine the physicality of your relationship *rotflmao* before i go into why im amused.. 
a plug for swa. apparently fumble is already taken (dont ask me how i know these things, im not telling.. i had to do some homework but im still not telling), but the other three are not. and theyre all cute. at least once, they all had beatle hair cuts. i think. and obviously theyre musicians, chicks dig musicians right? (quoting od hopper) application forms are at the back, first come first serve.. and sad to say, the guys have the right to choose and refuse :) i had conflicting emotions when i found out a couple of the band members actually come here to read what i so freely write about (them even sometimes) plain stunned, oh well after so long ive managed to keep a rather low profile, the ones i give the link to dont bother to visit, the ones i dont start stalking me. haha, as if id ever have a stalker. sorry if the plug was offensive in any way, i tried to keep it as pleasant as possible. its embarassing for me, but on the bright side i have rockstar fans on top of the pornstar fans now -no pun intended!- anyway, back to my amusement.. od hopper and chocolate hungry reborn were here just now, the chocobo making a fuss at the door about me being bogel and hiding a male in the apt. damn if only that were true. i contemplated letting them in or just pretending i wasnt at home, picked the former and as always somehow a deep conversation about contradiction views of life launched itself into oblivion. and i was amused because of that. as i had settled with the decision to keep it neutral with religious issues, that seems to have influenced other thoughts as well. it doesnt get anywhere you know. hendak seribu daya, tak hendak seribu dalih. we are all different. we argue, we agree, but we will always remain different. each of us set a standard to live up to and its usually based on the standard set by the masses. its all in the mind. there is no end to what we think, but there is the limitation of our physical lifespan. sometimes you try to change people thinking it would do them good, but what exactly are you molding them into? what you think is best does not necessarily become the best for others. i am the way i am because they tried to press a cookie cutter down on me. i am also the way i am because i turned out half-baked. i feel both ways about allowing my insides to be brainwashed while the outside was neglected. its okay that my dad thinks im ugly, my mom overfeeds me despite knowing i can live without the extra calories, my siblings think ive no fashion sense and no love life. its all just a matter of comparison. i know there is no chance i will ever be perfect. not the smartest, not the prettiest, not the best in anything. the reason is simply the fact we are all trying to outdo each other. we blame for self-lacking, we make excuses for incompetence. we are never satisfied with where we are, thus the phrase moving on. we need to stop comparing, stop looking at things thru the veil society holds over our eyes, stop misjudging books by their covers. perfection can only be seen through the eye of love. thats the way i see things right now.. it might very well change tomorrow, im comfortable with being a non-conformist. one thing wont change for a very long time though, money makes the dreams come true :) sad reality that. a little correction about the 6 storey fall, he was trying to get into the apt through the kitchen window. i hope i never put myself in any position to attempt that. before i forget how to say sweet dreams in italian; sogni d'oro. .: 11:28:00 AM :. master debator vs. cunning linguist this artistic designer dude is infatuated with me. either that or hes dying for a plug, which i give to pretty much anyone who gives me an oral donation. lol. yes yes im overreacting to small acts of pity/kindness, its raining so heavily outside i cant see the outside, its just a blur of misty grey. abstinence and caution should be exercised in my bedroom, after so many months of living here and having my own personal space to do whatever in the world i want.. i heard my neighbours handphone vibrating this morning. holy shit the walls in this place are that thin? seriously, i cant believe i heard his damn h/p vibrate. i can live with ring, but vibrate? i dont want to know what theyve been hearing on their side of the wall.. *curses* someone died a few days back at the neighbouring block. fell 6 floors and dented a railing, broke something vital. it wasnt suicide, thats the beauty of this situation. the idiot was trying to climb out of the window over to the balcony i assume, because the room door was locked, somehow slipped or something and bubye. how can anyone be so reckless as to do that? apologies to steven, i thought he was bullshitting when he first told me.. the guys just love lying to me and watching me buy their crap. i even thought the rest were in on the joke when they started telling different versions of what they knew. rather difficult to trust them nowadays.. tsk. an old icq 'friend' messaged me outta nowhere last night. hes obsessed with becoming rich. and also something a little more personal concerning me. its as though hes taking me back a couple of years and pursuing the same things all over again regardless of how i feel about them, how the hell did people become so its-all-about-what-i-want when dealing with others.. the whole money mindedness sprouting from a poor family background and materialistic bitches who cant accept him for who he is. hes possibly one of the smartest guys i know, winning awards for his work in the it field.. its the smallest details that mess perfectly good human beings up completely. this is one of the reasons i quit role playing on the internet. i also had the honour of talking with ed or as most of you would know him as largeanus, hes relocated at melbourne, australia.. as for his site, its going down for good.. so all of you who still have his defunct link up, yknow what to do. he might reappear but ill let you get the news from the horses mouth. speaking of barnyard animals, ed also thinks holden looks like the red cow representative of laughing cow brand cheese. and he recently walked the land mine fields of cambodia :) he politely asked how everyone in the blogging scene is doing, although i doubt he really cares, i dont quite know the answer to this; whos the most popular blogger at the moment? oh no, not this again.. actually my top referrer is the word 'horny' and 'brinjal', but naw i dont think that counts. i went for class and did four assignments, stuck them on the wall, washed my hands clean. their new system is better i think, just force us to sit there and finish up the work instead of letting us take it back to rot. i still have a large number of overdue work *sigh* oh well sokey. wednesday is a holiday :) my childhood friend had her english paper and went back to ipoh again. lotsa love for the hometown.. shes been listening to suede too much, im looping the scientist so often im surprised i havent fell out the window yet. the sky is doing that heavenly smiling down upon me thing again.. the setting sun looks like a fluorescent orange band aid. okay that was so not azn, damnit. .: 3:22:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Februar 9 :. id·i·o·syn·cra·sies also known as foi·ble, or feeble, words go a long way from what they had originally meant to say. i woke up just before the storm, the heavy dark shaded clouds, strong wind whipping up torrential rain.. the tempest has ended. rays of sunlight now stream through my window in a heavenly manner. seems like someone is trying to reach out to me. i let the soft brightness shine on me for a while, then i drew the curtains and locked it out. my guestbook received another surprising visit from an unknown pornstar. the link is almost exactly alike the one signed by tina knicks, wow.. theyre spreading the word amidst the pornographic industry. from the sound of their messages; they seem either strictly polite or just really nice. to me. a plug is a plug. i also got 5 acts of cunnilingus from someone known only as fumble, thanks dude. its been a while. max actually thought this oral sex donation thing was for real. i cant imagine if it was. my top referrer is justine. beats me who uses the link on her site so often. i doubt shes obsessive compulsive over my writing, after all i rate a 5 on her seemingly most frequented list. auspicious number for the day. i thank ye for having so much ______ for me, the stranger. than strange. ive been trying to figure out how my nedstat works, i still dont quite get it but the rough idea is there. for all i know, all these hits im getting couldve come from me browser hopping back and forth. i definitely never visited any too phat forum. but id need to reload for it to count right? geez who cares. im vacuum. i suck people in. as a matter of fact i suck myself in. tricked into mesmerization, awakened into the reality of the situation. 18k white gold earrings set with diamond splinters. my left ear is officially sick and rejects penetration to the edge of pain. for two years in a row papa let me personally select a swatch skin and decoder for my birthday. last year he forgot so there wasnt one. up till now i have four swatch watches, the first being a strapless tsunami, latest; silver cobbles sophisticated. that sounds so boring. the skin range only comes in medium faces and costs a minimum of rm275, the really cool ones 225 more. sigh, dont push it. i love them. i had wanted to stay awake the whole journey and accompany the driver, who was utterly bored with me. slept off when we were nearing kl, only to wake up and have him say good morning to me. i got a weird vibe from those two words. talk about oversensitivity. before that i had some fun operating his kodak digicam, he insisted i take pictures of the three sleeping beauties in the back seat so i did. eB and lime slime were sitting on the dashboard, got a shot of that as well. everyone seems to be getting digital with cameras these days, except for my lesbian friend who intends to get an affordable non-point and click. the carp are all dead with the exception of two survivors. some of the plants had partly wilted. i felt awful.. so awful i dont even want to try getting poetic about it :( dust has settled on the whole insides of the apartment.. its only been a week and im too lazy to clean up. i sort of black mailed him to fix my golden jelly skin with a battery replacement, and he didnt refuse.. he burned all my smashing pumpkins videos with some prodigy and resident evil ompst thrown in. good barter trade on my part. unpacking a load of irrelevant things including mut fung tau leftover from the chinese new year delicacies, pantene conditioner and a 6-pack. i wish i was talking about my belly. i had a bad time with expired contact lenses last night, dont know what got into me. i cant leggo of my glasses, over a decade of myopia.. its become like a security blanket, that which i also have. oh well, im supressing a persistent coldplay dedication, in the meantime i think ill go back to the vast library of over active sexual imaginations so generously presented to me and go blind reading the many different terms for arousing anatomy. im bleeding, but the blood isnt coming out of my nose. .: 1:38:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Februar 7 :. Big Yellow Taxi off and on, i get this frustrating writers block where by too many things of interest happen in the past 24 hours or so and i lose track of the juicy bits, forget the order of events and even how to say six in german. this is one of those times. i dont know why i dont sleep well when i come back here, dream after dream floods my unconsciousness.. or times id wake up and not be able to go back to sleep while the day is still dark, or was that part of a dream? its a struggle to snap out of it once ive given in, my eyes refuse to open any sooner than noon, while still in a daze i make my way down three short flights of stairs to the dining table for lunch. papa has stopped complaining about how im going to wake up for work with habits like these. his flowerhorn passed away so we went fish shopping after lunch. a pair of reddish brick coloured oscars now grace the aquarium, surrounded by countless guppies kidnapped from a nearby clogged drain. theyre call chu yu in chinese, which could mean pig, pearl or giant. how convenient. id pick the first because theyre still small, i cant relate them in any way to pearls, their dark faces are sort of pouty and thick lipped.. they float around wagging their tails in a vertical motion and instead of chasing their prey, they just wait for it to swim by then gobble it down by moving twice their original speed. its nice to watch them amidst the schools of guppy fish, all swimming around and around aimlessly yet being able to pass it off like the most important mission in the world. printed my gsm coverage research, then lazed around knowing that sooner or later my childhood friend will insist i go somewhere with her :) so she did. we actually went to watch that stupid cat and mouse movie, i dont know why.. argh.. we went to pick michael up after that, just to yum cha, he proved in dire need of rescueing since the house was in havoc with elderly womens voices. he chose to go to persanjung, well at least one of us made a decision, otherwise we would be driving around with no destination in mind. people came and went while we were there, my other childhood friend included.. with her ex-boyfriend. somehow the conversation got so stale i began reciting short german phrases. papa brought this up last night, about how people meet up and talk about the past, how redundant it is, when they could be hatching a profitable scheme to benefit everyone. that is so true.. though the last bit sounds rather far-fetched. it was just me and her at the end of the day, followed her home after she got tired of driving around the roundabout in our neighbourhood. i jokingly threatened to scream if she went really fast while doing that. i dont quite recall how we ended up watching an episode of popular with me filling in the details about previous episodes -omg i know the details- i felt horrible, must have been too many dunhills.. told her i wanted to puke and she asked me if i wanted to eat. i said okay.. lol. its been so long since we cooked in her kitchen, the dish that took the most effort to make was probably the prawn salad, and thats just boiled prawns, mayonaise, cabbage and lettuce. we started gangs of new york but stopped after the first disc, she wanted to watch two weeks notice so i obliged. i went home after the first disc -pattern- and had major trouble going to sleep. listened to a journey to the west + wheel of fortune ma kei machine for 16 minutes on the phone. it was that bad. i eventually woke up later that day, asked papa to help me out with designing a functional unit device.. after going through what materials i would need, he promptly went out and bought them but i didnt put anything together till then, he did most of the work but left the soldering for me to do -damnit- one of those; give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; situations so i did my best. i think i melted the contact switch. but it still works fine, simple electronics and i cant do it myself, bummer. stupid lecturer told me black is positive when red is positive, no wonder the water detector failed me. this project proved summat bonding for me and my father. ill remember this as one of the good times. my neighbour came over in the evening and told me were going home on saturday after lunch, parents enjoy bringing up incidents which somehow are embarassing for us now, why is it when we were kids everything was a difference all together? same old during the night, except michael was the one to drive us out, found refuge at triple seven to smoke a couple of sticks before heading over to edwins. i dont know edwin. reminds me of ashwin. when we arrived it was only him and my ex-husband, the one who wanted to form my name with siu kai yik to the extent of competing with the great wall of china. his name is too cute to be mentioned, heh.. anyway the place smelt of weed, it was a mess, bachelor pad awrite.. the host has multiple piercings, his sidekick looked like a total junkie. the rest of the time spent here revolved around the playstation and its two very screwed up joysticks. a lot of people turned up, ive never been in the presence of so many stoners at one go, this is also the first time ive seen a real bong, not one of those homemade plastic bottles with glue-gunned herb holder thingie. hell ive never seen such seriously devoted smokers, the amount of smoke they exhale after one suck is unbelievable. either that or they all just happen to have huge lungs. i kept away from the stuff despite her encouraging me to join them, we raced cars and played metal slug x to the finish instead. it was hilarious, since we cant die.. kamikaze all the way, jumping around after being mummified in the second mission and doing violent stunts with combinations of the very limited controls. before the guys got stoned they went on a deer hunt, the ladies, namely me and her only.. were served gin and tonic by the host. as the night went on, the host also decided to cook for us, eight people minus the ones who already ate and left earlier. ex-husband rolled me a joint, hes just as nice as he used to be.. aww.. i wouldnt dream of participating in their debong-ing sessions, too many strangers. i still dont know why my childhood friend doesnt smoke the stuff in front of them. or why michael cant stand the smell. cintan noodles, scrambled eggs, canned curry chicken, fried drummets, baked beans with eggs mixed in (french dish? i dont think so).. weed works up an appetite. washed it down with coke and had ciggies for dessert. marcus went to sleep. driver finally decided its time to go home but the passenger door on the right wouldnt close and kept swinging open. i happened to be sitting there but wouldnt claim the fault, i had no idea what went wrong. host said tie it to the seat and go fix it tomorrow. driver slams door and it stays shut. half-way home my phone rings and its my mother. they drop me off and i am greeted by her, followed by the observation of me stinking of cigarettes. hee. i think it was the weed. i had the best sleep ever last night since i got back here. i should see to my packing.. .: 6:26:00 PM :. .: Mittwoch, Februar 5 :. in the midst of all this festivities and relaxation, i have regrettably failed to get any work done and after reviewing what i have yet to do, the strength of procrastination is doubled and i tell myself, later, tomorrow, last minute-ism, whutever. this sucks. i cant say i didnt have enough time, on the contrary i had plenty of it to waste away while looking forward to the break and actually telling myself id settle everything during this time. yea right. same situation with money, im not poor, i just look the part because i rarely spend anything.. chinese new year has to absolutely be the only time ipoh's cinema tickets get fully booked. the two towers got a cold reception compared to all these chinese flicks.. so you can imagine the folk that flock to tgv for all this cat and mouse, lucky star things. freaky. id be drunk by now if i went along for the drinking session.. but i resorted to visiting the night market to buy nighties. lol.. no thats not why i went, but i did happen to eye a closing stall that had an interesting collection of nightwear, hmm.. i got quiet american and adaptation, because the rest have already been added into my childhood friends collection and i find it such a waste to buy the same thing when you can borrow it. lesbian friend went on her regular cd buying sprees, i got a couple of those big comb-clamp-clip things for hair, it just struck me i havent mentioned my hair in a long while, theyre alright.. thanks for asking. tickles me when im trying to sleep and chokes me when i am asleep. eventually we wandered to the end of one strip to witness some of those quack doctor performances which had already ended, they had sand poured into the shape of a slithering snake, two metal dishes for the jaws and strange ritualistic bronze coins stuck vertically along the spine. we were commenting to each other about how the self-made poster thing looked like a pretty good horror movie with some pornographic material thrown in *smirk* there were uhm either preserved scorpions pinned in a glass case or just pictures of scorpions wrapped in a plastic sheet.. my eyes my eyes, they deceive me. i havent gotten over the horror of my last encounter with bubble tea, so i passed. im a little confused with myself.. wonder how my fish and plants are doing.. the pace of day has sped up a lot. i cant seem to keep up... .: 11:16:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Februar 4 :. tien xia the movie was beautifully rich in culture, and me not knowing even something as simple as milan being in italy till today, found hero to be a nice portrayal of chinese origins and olden day contraptions. i had not expected it to be in mandarin, luckily the english subtitles proved sufficient, it wasnt the story nor martial arts that tickled my fancy.. nor the different colours which i assume were meant to convey varying emotions along the way (pretty no doubt but what good would it do for the colour blind) nor the special effects added in, which were completely over board.. i enjoyed the rain dripping off the roofs, the well thought out details of their weapons, the way the wind accomodates their robes, and their pledge for peace. and the suicide. kaninchen once told me something along the lines of, "you can only be hurt by those you love." ive lost count of the times i put loved ones in misery, worry and anger.. but at this particular moment im remorseful, that i have yet to live up to the part of being who i am to these certain people. or what i am. a disappointment no doubt. it becomes increasingly dreary and cold with each passing day, but not one passes by without the thought of you. i mustve been foolish and tiresome, to the point of desperation perhaps.. and the insecurity of being left alone. remember the time jean grey lost her psychic powers and couldnt tap into her husbands mind to constantly be reassured of how much he loves her. she crumbled. how infinite the emotions within, just days ago i heard that old song play; i said i love you but i lied.. this is more than what we feel inside.. this must be pre-valentines day plague. my glasses are stained with tiny dots, the salty liquid thrown off my eye lashes with every blink, unsuccessfully holding back fresh streams and trickles. my fingers get cold so easily, its a chore to type with them numb.. they get colder with water, having the effect of ice i suppose. i had said this afternoon that id express less and suppress more, i tend to be offensive the other way around. sigh. i could always divert to describing sunsets like i used to.. there is a love bug mini bobbling figurine staring at me with a big smile painted on its creamy face. "i would be on cloud nine if you say... you'll be mine." it doesnt belong to me, i dont know what its doing here. id like to electrocute it with a bug fryer. bedtime. .: 8:48:00 AM :. .: Montag, Februar 3 :. i met some new people yesterday, a managing director of some sort of event company, a bartender from penangs lush (now what are the odds of that) and of course involuntarily met with a lot of old acquaintances as well. the day was mostly wasted away gambling, the environment was good since we were allowed to smoke while playing cards indoors and despite the lukewarm enthusiasm for betting or even joining in, the few of us made the best of the situation. blessed with cable tv, the guys would overreact to scooby doo and mtv chicks, when someone mentioned coldplay is depressing, i insisted its not, its just mellow.. mellow songs are the only kind youd find me looping without a hint of boredom. i find them very soothing. later on, i had my other childhood friend drop me off at my grandfathers house for the reunion steamboat thing, i wonder why my cousin brother always insists im a notoriously bad egg. does he know something i dont? after stuffing myself to the brim with erm ning ku pao and fake squid.. i dont know what on earth ham was doing in the boiling water as well.. nor those little fried seafood thingies.. hmm. i set off to my childhood friends and went pirated vcd shopping with her, she managed to buy the last john mayer cd on the shelf but apparently the pirates dont know anything about sixpence none the richer, doing the regular yum cha nonsense before going back to the gambling scene. how the hell does one win four bottles of champagne and a bottle of chivas from a lucky draw. dunno. this is also the first time i ever saw a guy chat up one of those kids who serve drinks, claiming hes being friendly. ookay. i was quite surprised to find out my other childhood friends sister had tied the knot just a month ago at 26 with a thirty something chinese ceo. i should type that in capital letters, CEO. she is catholic indian. how cool is that. special ringtones are bad news, from what happened last night.. while talking to her boyfriend on the phone, the ba kua freak started doing a make belief scenario and everyone started a lewd commotion about her doing things shes not. it was really high. after all was said and done we went to an isolated tom yam restaurant and waited for michael. the place had feng tao music on, which later turned into some seriously stoned 70s music, all that was missing is weed. my small intake of mood altering substances seems to be frowned upon, and you tell me its better to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, chat up strangers at a bar, dance with them, simply because it is legal. and weed is not. damn.. its pure for crying out loud. it may not be legal here, but it sure is legal in a lot of other places. thinking about it they should probably have made pork illegal when the j.e. broke out. woohoo. okay so weed slows ur thinking capacity and builds up lethargy. theres pros and cons to everything. by the time i got back home it was past 3am, insisting on making a call i shouldnt have. i didnt sleep well again. stay awake as long as i could hoping for some sort of reply i shouldve known better than to expect :( it really breaks me, to feel so fondly for someone, yet not feel those feelings in return. i wish i knew how are things where you are, who youre with, whats on your mind.. i know i took too long, thats probably why its not the same as it used to be, it hurts a great deal to have to know things without you telling me.. oh well, it wouldnt have worked out even if we tried, right? ill just go convince myself i was never enough, not enough to be chinese, too far from being a gwai, a little malay, anti-indian, unreligious god forsaken piece of shit. ah, my heart feels so heavy even after confessing all this.. perhaps i havent said everything there is to say. a tortured little voice much resembling smeagols keeps repeating the same words in my head, "it hurtsss." .: 10:27:00 PM :. .: Sonntag, Februar 2 :. a non-adjustable seatbelt fastened with a blue diaper safety pin. vlad envies me :) because an ignorant twat called me sick. he always makes the best out of everything, its impossible to figure out how he balances his dark alter ego with an utterly constant optimistic point of view. he makes me laugh things off, like a wet dog shaking off the water clinging to its fur.. doesnt dry immediately but it helps i suppose. im a totally useless human being. quiet and reserved except for times i feel like saying something that stabs you between the eyes and i dance around rejoicing over it. i would probably have sat there in that stuffy little room making comments and giving stupid advice about what to do next in that three dimensional eyeful black and white if the phone didnt start to ring. and i had chosen to take it along with me despite the complete absence of coverage off and on these past few days. at long last i turned down the luscious offer of accompanying my childhood friend to visit her friends around town to stick with a long unknown invitation sent to my old h/p number for a get together thing at my old schoolmates house. and yes i am back in action with the lesbian group, theyre probably the most comfortable females i can get along with.. the rest just seem so.. male oriented. lol. bad choice of words. i found out i not only unwelcome change in myself, but sort of condemn it when seen in others, the soft spoken womanly trait, flirtatious yet polite moderation and such obvious displays of disapproval. i cannot stand common courtesy when it replays itself everytime we meet. i know you dont care to know what you ask nor will you remember my answers, so why bother? wed be better off discussing something as insignificant as the weather. psst eapie, found my people repellent stashed under some old high school petticoats. it proves rather amusing to see people squirm in discomfort, when among friends, it makes me curious to know more about this kind of human behaviour. i lost five ringgit at blackjack, blame it on the red flower in the vase on top of the piano that suddenly snapped and tilted in my direction. it was weird. i lost every round except the one which i got a decent 20. the rest were borderline explosions. every handphone on the table either rung or beeped with sms alerts, while mine lay very much dead until my mother called. i really dont know why i have a mobile phone. there was beer and wasabi green peas and thai fried rice and coke and cigarettes which i have missed for what.. one and a half days? *smirk* ah such a horrid habit it has proven to be. we left the table when the urge to do our "project" arised and spent just as much time on the exterior, there were no stars. eventually people started to leave, and an encounter with what seemed like a cute harmless gray and white dwarf hamster left my little finger bleeding for all it was worth. while soaking up the fresh blood, colin reminded me about the poem sealed with my blood (from a freak staple bullet accident). although its certain im being biased to somebody who had a secret affair with the guy, its wrong on her part since she has a long term relationship with an adorable rugrat.. her image continues to deteriorate in my perception, to the point of me getting touchy over the littlest of things.. and what do you know, im at a loss because of the infinite social connections that come as a package in these few northern states. i can smile and laugh, but i shouldnt be asking myself for a reason to do so. i mean like.. why? there i go again. Renich i lú i erui govannem? .: 12:33:00 PM :. .: Samstag, Februar 1 :. its raining again, as it did yesterday.. the moment i stepped out of the sheltered building right thru the entire five hour journey to another state. constant pitter patter of rain drops and the lulling pessimistic literature of poe. A feeling, for which i have no name, has taken possession of my soul - a sensation which will admit of no analysis, to which the lessons of bygone time are inadequate, and for which I fear futurity itself will offer me no key. To a mind constituted like my own, the latter consideration is an evil. I shall never - I know that I shall never - be satisfied with regard to the nature of my conceptions. Yet it is not wonderful that these conceptions are indefinite, since they have their origin in sources so utterly novel. A new sense - a new entity is added to my soul. MS. Found in a Bottle it felt like it took me forever to get back here, where i came from. boredom seeped into my brain and killed my thoughts, leaving nothing but dull echoes in its wake. i feel like ive not been conscious these past few years, and something stirred me from the vicious cycle.. rudely interrupting my idealism and fantasies. and here i am, the ingrate.. after having said and done.. wishing i was never dragged out of my wonderland. i keep trying to buy time, prolonging deadlines, asking for the space that only pushes me further and further away from you.. and what have i done with all that precious time. nothing. its good to have a journal. i realize im frozen, a still born, and somehow unwilling to undo the wrongs in my life. the big twenty one is just around the corner and i was much surprised to be consulted about expecting a pair of diamond earrings. so surprised to the extent of retorting (as i always do) with a rather cold, "you want my ears to get cut off is it?" those point blank criminals with knives can get pretty desperate. what a de-ear memorable present it would be then. forget all that. the keyword here is diamonds. whoa. who am i to be getting a perfectly cut gem stone. i had nothing in mind, kinda looking forward to the usual 'forgotten' ritual.. nasty as it is, im not a big fan of attention despite wondering why i dont get any (its a yin yang thing, i cannot explain it) and after all the low profile hiding in the shadows keeping out of the spotlight i just enjoy being out of the way, where i can nurse my septic wounds and talk to myself. hahaha. okay that sounded seriously pathetic but hey thats me. its going to be tough undoing all the damage, self-inflicted or otherwise.. i dont know if ill ever get around to starting off the long list of remedies. another year has gone by and nothing has changed. recycling past years new clothes doesnt seem like a passable idea, but its happening. night is approaching and it makes me uneasy, recalling the headful of hallucinations that overwhelmed my sleep.. one after another, yet none that i can fully remember to put in writing. the rain has stopped now, maybe thats why it seems darker. .: 3:13:00 AM :. |
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