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.: Mittwoch, Juli 31 :. honey im home. are those words all of us intend to say or hear someday? there were so many things waiting to be put into words and now theyre but a vague lingering thought. my memory needs an upgrade. waking up early to a breezy morning, heavily in debt. the same negative attitude towards every sunrise. the same reluctant crawl over paved roads and tufts of struggling growth so dehydrated you could start a grass fire. the same trigger of emotions being pulled causing this problematic pulse generator in the left side of my chest to react accordingly; in this case, sink. i cannot deny myself the sadistic tendencies of thriving in others misery.  the sheep test would prove to be true then; happy people scare me. NSC has sheep and here is a revolutionary discovery.. sheep dont go baa. sheep go blek. youll have to hear it to believe it. blekkk we went for half a day. there are also a variety of crucified insects. debating over this lead nowhere as usual, with my environmental freak of a friendly personality emerging and doing its peace loving creature trance on me. tried to outstare huge fish that were not even looking in my direction. they swim in this stuffy tank all day while their independent more fortunate relatives are exploring the lakes, rivers or seas. for the sake of science, you have been chosen to sacrifice your freedom and life -for what is life without freedom-, henceforth mankind will benefit from your generosity. if fish could talk they would say wtf do i care about mankind. would you rather die in the jaws of your natural predators? when we could offer you security? or give you a quick death, preserving you at your prime so that you can "live" forever? taxidermy makes a peculiar profession. while independence for human beings could spark wars and bloodshed, nature succumbs to us, the thinkers, because we stole from nature to build contraptions that we in return use against its roots. how could we. take for granted the importance of what we could not live a day without. how do you suppose reincarnation came about?
i feel sorry for nature. sorry on behalf of my species that we are taking over the world without considering their feelings. dont you dare tell me they dont have feelings. enough of that now alter ego, go away.. its been a while since i had lunch in a chinese restaurant with chinese company. not to mention company that is capable of ordering their own food and drink without me acting as a translator. ive been conversing in mandarin more frequently now. which is strange since i never bothered to before. i always get my way with the medium of communication, or rather theyre letting me.. everyone seems to want to improve their english. i cant be bothered with improving anything. ill pretend im exceptional. infected half the crowd with my repetitive singing of the chicken porridge jingle. scary huh? it rained and we all slept in the bus. the speakers must have blared my right ear deaf. i could not sleep a wink the second half of the journey, reminded by the sinking sensation since the beginning of the day.. dont know why im stricken with the same reoccuring little ailments.. part of an email i received on September 12th:  "ive figure out what i wanna be, i wanna be a caveman!!! no worries about planes crashing down to my building and whatsover. its not a safe world out there. never was. so i wanna be a caveman!!! the only thing i have to worry about is just collapsing tree, it couldnt be that bad compared to new york."
talk about lighter vein. ive always enjoyed my pillows unique sense of humour. what a force to be reckoned with :) there is noone id like better to say those three words at the very first line of this whole composition than to you. why? because youd probably be gardening and id have to say it to spit anyway. spit is a dog, which grew from a puppy. now you know. .: 4:06:00 AM :. .: Montag, Juli 29 :. mein erster deutschsprachiger film  Wir lassen nie vom Suchen ab,
und doch, am Ende allen unseren Suchens, sind wir am Ausgangspunkt zurück und werden diesen Ort zum ersten Mal erfassen -Lola Rennt- if you have not seen it, do! foreign movies have never let me down, considering how rare it is i get my hands on any. i rate this one just a few notches below Amélie from Montmartre. coincidentally i find my long lost friend sorb *umarmt und küsst* from deutschland. german movie, german dude. ho mei! whutever that means. it just sounds like the cantonese; ho ye. err.. ignore me. hottie revealed that he scarred his balls. just when hes about to have a big night with his woman too. apparently his right testicle got twisted, cutting off the blood flow to it, resulting in an almost dead ball. hey stop laughing its not funny. its an internal thing & requires surgery, you cant just unscrew it or whatever youre assuming, so.. all you males out there; watch out and check if either or both of your balls are turning blue.. you never know when it might feel like falling off. please direct any futher queries to hottie. danke. .: 11:58:00 PM :. 
shouldnt it be you're? or is that supposed to mean the yellow beetle is mine, even though i cant figure out what the "a" is doing in between. i always had a thing for yellow.. it is said to be a gay colour. both ways. damn i think this is as close as i will ever get to owning a car. unless i parasite one off my papa... dont want to. its fine having to live in passenger seats and not figure out foot pedals or gear boxes or overheated radiators. you get to figure out seatbelts and storage compartments and avoid dripping air conditioning and choose the radio station *smirks* not forgetting sleep in the car! at one point in my life, every time i got into any form of transportation, id be in lala land the whole journey, miraculously waking up at the end of it. okay maybe i needed a prod. yellow.. yellow.. why do they say chinese are yellow-skinned. people who have jaundice are yellow-skinned. whether you have the same coloured skin, different coloured skin, mixed coloured skin or no skin or a swatch skin *smitten* human beings are judgemental creatures. lest they waste their wonderful intellect. seldom you find anyone who thinks out of the box. who really heeds words like "dont judge a book by its cover" anyway? they werent joking when they made up that line, "love at first sight" eh. love what you see, or see what you love. thats it about love for today. some of us get so wrapped up in the downpours of life, they dont really notice the calm after the storm anymore. this ongoing issue about racism, which takes many many forms mind you, does not only torment lovers and mixed blood. *curses* most mixed bloods have the time of their lives being pretty and what not. i guess noone really appreciates the plus side of being themselves. wheres the bonus when you cannot be with the one who makes you whole. the social race and its companionship issues again. juin calls me a banana. i never understood why till i forced the answer out of him. outside yellow, inside white. so this is what they call people like me aye. just because we were not brought up chinese educated. if you dig mandarin slurring honeys, youre not my friend. LOL. like i really give a damn. i am pure malaysian chinese. no mixed blood anywhere. so what. i am from Ipoh; the town reputated for beautiful chicks. how unfortunate. english is my mother tongue. how inauthentic. i speak quite fluent malay.. something you cant avoid when your class is > 90% bumiputera. chinese dialects i can get by with, as expected they all suck to some extent. the pronunciation, lack of vocabulary, hey i can write my own name in chinese characters. theres something to be proud of. yeah right. it is comforting that i know others like me, even if they fare better in living than i do, at least there are other bananas. often enough i find someone telling me how secure my future is just because i have a good command of the english language or mastered it to some degree -wtf-. not true. i am shunned; in an individualistic way. definitely an in-law's nightmare. do i worry about acceptance? yes. other than the fact people make assumptions that im a cold fish with lime on the side... maybe its intimidating that i speak english well -if i speak at all- and they cant. hahahaha.. manipulation of multi-faceted thoughts. theres no denying that stereotype cliques are so exaggeratedly close-knit, they will probably end up marrying each other in their circle. did i mention my sarcasm rocks? its no wonder why im anti-social, its my choice not adapting to a mould like putty or participating in social gatherings for avid hobbyists to meet new avid hobbyists. say it fast and youll get hobbits. i dont make a big fuss outta who or what i am (unless you get too close). then i fuss over what you think of me. bad karma or none, sure its disappointing to put yourself next to a more accomplished person and you dont seem to measure up. and you lament about it, brood and get pms-y. let it end there. for all you know, someone else might be trying to measure up to you ;) go for your priorities in life and be wary that in this world it is every man for himself. we want what is in our best interest, thus we are selfish. narcissist. seldom find willingness to settle for second best. things arent always as bad as they seem. there are people out there with woes ive longed to drain and tell how proud i am of them, that they made it this far despite all they have been thru, no matter how insignificant the achievement may appear to the skeptical eye.. the little things are all that will remain when you wish to look back and find a smile. there is still a lot to learn about life and living.. i pity those who think theyve got it all figured out.  Most of the shadows in this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson- i paused once too many times to smell the flowers and frolick in the meadows like some daft newborn lamb, & now i am left behind. but yknow what? being true to my inner child and escaping from the jaws of poseurism made it all worthwhile. it was good. .: 5:22:00 PM :. .: Sonntag, Juli 28 :. 
what dr. seuss book warped you? disclaimer:- i have never read this book. The cat in the hat is at the door He promised not to visit us anymore Go away cat and don't ever return Will that cat in the hat ever learn? He's knocking and buzzing away like a bee Who does he thinks pays for the electricity Mom and dad are the ones who pay I wish that cat in the hat would just go away He always comes when we are alone He seems to know when mom's not at home Never an adult to teach him some respect Nothing to stop him from getting wrecked Last time he drank dad's last crate of beers He swore at the neighbours and called them all queers He stumbled around and broke some stuff But he didn't stop there, that wasn't enough He proceeded to barf on the living room floor And then he continued to barf some more He shouted "leave me alone ya fuckin shits" As we started to pick up the vegetable bits That cat in the hat is here again That cat in the hat is a terrible pain Maybe he thinks we've forgotten the last time The one when he drank three bottles of wine Letting him in would be a mistake No limits to the things that he can break Although he always is a good laugh I couldn't stop laughing when he started to barf We'll let him in if he promises to be good Be good like the cat in the hat should Not drinking beers or guzzling wine Then the cat in the hat should be fine Lock up the beer and hide the gin Now we can let the cat in the hat in Hello cat in the hat, sorry for the delay We were just tidying some things away No problem my friends it's good to be here I'm really thirsty can i have a beer ? I've been in the sun and must not dehydrate I feel like I could finish a crate There's no alcohol, not even a beer Not in this house, not around here We have lemonade and ginger ale But no beer, cider, draught or ale Let me check there must be some wine A glass or two would suit me fine Maybe some vodka or a whiskey or two I've heard it is actually good for you Here is a cool drink with a curly red straw What could you want, is there anything more ? How about a couple of tots of brandy This is when a hip flask comes in handy Bah, humbug this bloody cooldrink is shit It doesn't quench my thirst not one tiny bit Get me a beer and make it snappy It's a good idea to keep the cat in the hat happy There is none have a look for your self Aha ! what's this on the top shelf ? Beers and gin and a few bottles of wine Hiding this, should be considered a crime Ah, a cold refreshing thirst quenching beer Take away that cooldrink I don't want it near here Got any smokes ? mine are done While I waited outside I smoked the last one What shall be do, he's starting to slur I'm sure soon his vision will start to blur Then he'll be drunk and stumbling around Knocking expensive things onto the ground The cat in the hat is no longer welcome in here Not when he drinks more than one beer He's finished a crate and two bottles of wine No wonder he can't walk in a straight line. He looks like he'll be able to drink a little more Before he starts to spew on the floor Let's go to the shop to buy some smokes Lucy and I will buy some cokes Alrighty then let's get going Before the alcohol really starts flowing Hurry hurry let's close the door We don't want the cat in the hat in here anymore What the fuck ? let me in you little liar Before I set the fucking house on fire Go away you drunken cat in the hat You shouldn't speak to people like that He's starting to look a little pale Usually the cause of too much ale There she blows, he doubles over and heaves The multicolored yawn on a pile of leaves He pisses himself and tries to stand His efforts thwarted by the spinning land Onto his head, now scratched and covered in blood His clothes covered in puke, and dark sticky mud He lies still and barfs some more Some of it spills under the door The smell so strong you can almost taste it That cat in the hat is no good when he's wasted After a while he gets to his knees Staggers a bit and says let me in please I no longer have a thirst If that's a lie, it wouldn't be the first He swears a little and shakes his hairy paw Starts pounding his head against the door Takes out his matches and shouts I'll burn down this house you little louts Fortunately they are all soggy and won't light The cat in the hat is a sad sorry sight He mumbles a little and throws them away Before we see another multi colour spray He's not getting in, not through this door Never again, not anymore The cat in the hat hangs his head and turns around His fur all dirty from the ground We see him slowly stumble down the street Having great difficulty placing his feet He's eventually gone, out of sight Luckily he left without a fight All the vomit puddles and piss The cat in the hat, we will not miss We better clean up before mom and dad get home Or they never leave us alone All of a sudden it starts to rain We sigh with relief cause cleaning up is a pain All the empty bottles get thrown in the bin That cat in the hat polished off all the gin Mom and dad would fix that cat in the hat Let's hope that he never comes back. just when i fell for the whole screwed-in-my-noggin idea, i discover that was a sick parody and the real thing is nowhere close to the level of non-explicit content i just blatantly displayed. i can be so naïve. "bubur ayam... bubur ayam McD..." .: 11:16:00 PM :. Pick-me-up-line of the Day enema says: if im a cow then you must be the sherperd© enema says: quit milking my duds© :Þ some people just have the gift of making your day. some people were just born to make your life miserable. there are so many people in existence, why did you have to get to know me? do you ever stop and wonder, if you had not been at a certain place at that certain time, were you just a minute late, or a second early, someone who makes your life worth living.. might be just another face in the crowd. is this chance or is this fate that we know each other? should it be chance, i suppose if the first pass us by, there is always a second. but fate; cruel twisted fate.. is predestined -if you believe in destiny- and nothing could stand in its way. or is it in our own hands to determine; which path do you choose to walk upon and is the destination -hmm root word destiny? interesting- already known or waiting to be found out. ah 'tis full of mystery, life. whoever holds the key to the answers, keep it to yourself. there be no reason to burden those weak at heart or brittle in mind, for despite my asking, deep down inside something tells me i do not want to know. 'Fools! You think of "god" as a sentient being. God is the word used to represent a force. This force created nothing, it just helps things along. It does not answer prayers, although it may make you think of a way to solve a problem. It has the power to influence you, but not decide for you.' -Diogenes- .: 3:10:00 AM :. In the manned space programme's early days, Nasa spent $1 million to develop a pen that wrote upside down. The Russians used a pencil. -Focus-
.: 12:18:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Juli 27 :. just read something armageddon-ish off the neopet guild boards. wouldnt wanna get all spaced-out in every post i make so no elaboration about that. life is short and who can deny that. cant help the feeling of being left out or rather left behind as the years pass me by and unwarily ive made nothing of myself, gone nowhere, with ignorance written all over my forehead. questions like: if you had one day left to live, what would you do... i doubt anyone really gives it much cerebral effort unless of course we are about to be hit by an asteroid in 24 hours. then i receive an e-mail from a childhood friend. so "sai-meng". one of the reasons i hate multiple recipient e-mail. not forwarded kind. normally you would not receive a hello or how are you, but this time is different. why? because she went on a skiing trip to some mountain somewhere and here's it in your face person-who-had-never-experienced-real-snow. everyone take a bite of my cake. damn. the clock stops ticking but everythings faster. i really want to get out of here and see the world. with people who share the same wavelength. i dont need first class air flights or five star hotels. we've been talking about backpacking for so long.. too long. financial difficulties keep holding us back *sigh*. when the heck are these dreams going to come true? not too late i hope, as it is unpredictable.. how much longer we have left to play this game of cat and mouse with death. .: 8:01:00 PM :.  .: 9:10:00 AM :. sibling rivalry. if you are an only child i envy you to death. spending hours listening to the people who created you go on and on about how great your sibling is no fun. shes almost half my age. i felt belittled. i felt compared. and just a tad bit adopted. haha. thats something i had to grow up with. taunts by my relatives about me being picked up from a trash can and not scrubbed clean properly which explains the birthmarks i have. its imprinted into my memory. how i cried. were all born in different generations. i wont be surprised to know im a biological accident. the experimental offspring to practise parenting skills on. i know my responsibilities and the obligations towards my parents. i know im eternally in debt, despite the fact i never asked to be brought into this world. is that a human right? to be able to choose whether youre born or not? *holds the thought* whatever it may be, i am grateful the fridge is stocked :D four down two to go. my fish are being killed off by a mysterious disease. let's all have a moment of silence for the two that died earlier today. hope they end up in fish heaven; get to eat red worms all day and not bloat up and die. otherwise; fish and chips anyone? .: 8:14:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Juli 26 :.  Take the animal crackers test by MK You are the Half Eaten Cracker. Once tried by someone then tossed away. You carry a bad taste with you that cannot be seen untill it is too late. But with luck there will always be that other who will take on and eat a half eaten cracker. hell. who wouldve thought a quiz like that could hit so close to home. .: 11:25:00 PM :. stock your mind
it's your house of treasure & noone in the world can interfere with it. fill your mind with rubbish and it'll rot your head. You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind.. your mind is a palace. -Angela's Ashes- .: 9:19:00 PM :. this morning i slept under a blanket of moonlight. i couldnt quite see her face, myopic as i am, but i could make out where she was.. like the flame of a candle in a dark room. everything was so still and silent, i have not experienced such peace in a long while. just the night before i had one of my classic headaches again. painkillers took mercy on me, but i missed jack & jill. its the song that lures me. i woke up two hours past midnight and tried to go online. connection was down so i helped myself to the neat stack of less-known vcds i scavenged from places. i hardly blinked throughout the movie. it mustve been the Irish accent. then again it had a lot of elements which interested me ;) here's a brief confession from the movie: "I did dirty things Father." Ah, my child. Was this with yourself or with another? Or with some class of beast? "Beast? I've never heard of a sin like that Father." Narration: This priest must be from the country. He's opening up new worlds for me. *rotfl* bestiality. the poor sheep. i manage to get online but the browser wont work. have a somewhat mindless conversation with raksaksa. when there is nothing left to do, sleep is always on stand-by. discomfort is twisting and turning in my belly like i swallowed a snake whole. even basking under her glow, i cannot breathe nor ignore feeling my heart and the pain consuming it. knowing it isnt triggered by pessimism or misery only makes it worse. my health is going down the drain.. and in ways noone can tell. please do not ask me to consult medical advice. i have a dislocated jaw that escaped untreated because instead, i was told my salivatory glands were swollen. *smirks* thinking back it was rather funny that i had trouble putting food into my mouth unless i make it bite-sized. i only realized it was dislocated after watching Bandits. till today my jaw clicks and when i say click i mean click. at least i can open it wide now. luna. shes getting more craters. i once read about the whole conspiracy of the first man on the moon. with much proof and convincing statements it is hard to know which to believe; that man had crossed the barrier of space or some higher authorities had a master plan figured out which involves lying to the world about moon-walking. who else would think of making up such an untruth? there is still a plethora of uncertainties left to be sorted out, answered. mass media is evil. everyone believes blindly what they are told, when half the time these things do not concern them at all. what makes the average person read newspapers or watch the news daily? the fact they could discuss politics, business etc. with other persons like themselves? or is it the funnies, the tv guide, the pretty broadcaster. no pun intended. i dont watch or read the news. never had the attention span. also because the papers make my hands black with ink *grins* some sorta whack precaution ive taken for years now. i think i'll go wash my hands... .: 9:09:00 PM :. tables are driving me insane. or maybe this template is. i get so absorbed in messing up the templates html codes. free counters without ads. and so many of them to choose from, how can one not be fickle in a situation such as this?!? i could not decide upon one so i got two instead *laughs* if only other things in life allowed such -how should i put it- greed. did you notice the one with chinese characters. irresistable. thought id relearn the numbers 1-9 while idling online. such a disgrace to not know how to read and write my own language; considering my race that is. just when i was thinking of going global, rice bowl journals wont accept new members. luckily i have rand0m references to steal the commenting script & etc. from, otherwise id be bitching about yaccs and other limited offer free stuff. keyword=free. the best things in life arent free. the physical ones anyway. mental bliss excluded. if theyre free, then you can expect strings attached or sudden catastrophes like the recent Error 503. no security whutsoever. everything has its price. the question is: are you willing to pay? .: 12:42:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Juli 25 :. ein Verstand in der
Qual ist ein Spatz ohne Flügel .: 10:49:00 AM :. it rained today and i am still sore all over from lack of good posture. and sleep. ever tried washing your hair with one hand? i just did. my other hand had conditioner on it. i use Organics if you are curious to know. and there i was rinsing my hair with the right hand only; simply because i did not want to waste the stuff i so absent mindedly squirted out onto my left palm. this isn't the first time. i do not even know how much shampoo i poured on my head. it was sorta troublesome being temporarily disabled. i cant help but admire those who have no choice but to live with their incapabilities. how they accept their flaws and make the best of it instead of being beaten down and wallowing over it. okay so not all of them are able to do that but those that are have my complete and utmost respect. individuals who have less make more out of what they have. dont be an ingrate. wealth and materialistic spoils stretch people. you get stretched out so long and thin, breaking becomes inevitable. being normal puts you in a rat race against pretty much the rest of "normal" humanity. i miss the simplicity of life. just me and my milk bottle. walking to school with grandma. the grandma i wasnt there for when she asked for me because i was too tired to wake up due to nocturnal sins, i never got to say goodbye. being doted on by papa. cuz then i was an only child. sure he almost drowned me once but as they say, blood runs thicker than water. having a tree in my garden with roses and tons of different pets that came and went. mommy reading me fairy tales. motorcycles and bicycles instead of cars. everything changed so fast. i grew up so involuntarily. i still want to be the one to sit on the swing and watch the world scurry by... .: 5:53:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Juli 24 :. dissected lizards. squid fried alive. ants in bitter tea. you know you dont get enough sleep when you have to wish others good morning at noon or before the sun even begins flooding the world a really disturbing tint of blue. they say men wake up looking just as good as before they went to bed while women somehow deteriorate during the night. how unfortunate for the latter. what with the already obsessive-compulsive vanity syndrome raging thru todays societys veins. thats one too many s'. do you believe first impressions are important? if yes; how do the 2nd, 3rd and so on rate? if no; would you approach a less than average looking person with thoughts of companionship or lust or whatever it is rides your train of thought.. i am plagued with perfection. life is full of contradictions. accepting people for who they are, yet theres always something you could better about yourself. wanting to eat that sinful taste-bud tantalizer but resisting the temptation because it will cause you health problems in a future you have no premonition of. if willpower was truly exercised to its optimum capacity, we would not find ourselves wanting anymore than what we have. contentment is a relative of happiness. i guess if i were content, id be happy, ja? skin deep. that's all the eye sees. when the skin is shed, tell me what you see. im not referring to the human anatomy beneath the layers of dermatology. are your words worth their say. are your thoughts self-induced or influenced. are you really who you want to be, or are you being what someone else wants you to be. i shouldnt be afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. still, some things are better left unseen. .: 10:52:00 PM :.
without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's. -Hipollito- .: 12:07:00 PM :. 
yellow tulips against a blue sky. wisps of cloud seem to drift by. yellow tulips about knee-high. beauty lies in the beholder's eye. yellow tulips; sweet senses pry. side by side, cloud gazing we lie. yellow tulips, they make you sigh. a tempest brews; the heavens cry. yellow tulips.. why oh why do your petals wilt when you die. i dont know why i have this on my desktop. these bright golden flowers. i sprawl on my bed waiting for the pc to start up and watch the wallpaper come to life. the clouds moved, i swear. to more than someone out there, yellow tulips may be their favourite flower. perhaps that is the sole reason i picked it. because to that someone, it means a whole lot. i remember you. you liked yellow tulips. me? those small white five petal-ed roadside flowers suffice. theyre practically custom made for quiet "- loves me, - loves me not" sessions. it is cruel to behead a perfectly growing part of nature. heartless to dye them a colour they were not meant to be. does this subtle petal shade preference differ from comparison of skin. we should all be colour blind. flowers are flowers. doesnt matter how many or what size or what colour or what type. flowers will always be flowers. you will always be you. and i will always be me. ive never received flowers before. not really. i will buy you a garden, where your flowers can bloom. the clouds moved, i swear. .: 7:45:00 AM :. |
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