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.: Samstag, August 31 :. placid right up to the moment i check my email and discover a vaguely familiar sender amongst the lot of spam & junk mail in my inbox. would have narrowly missed it while unchecking the non-trash items, im thankful i didnt. cucciolo is alive! im estatic and cant stop smiling :) at least for the numerous bad things that occur, a good one comes along and puts everything in perspective. it is truly unconditional. me, you and a dog named spit. woohoo :) 
Purring would seem to be, in her case, an automatic safety-valve device for dealing with happiness overflow.
- Monica Edwards, English writer - .: 1:51:00 AM :. .: Freitag, August 30 :. we did not go where the fireworks display was said to be, after spending last years merdeka eve night driving around like drunk flies and catching no sight of any sparks in the sky. its been nothing but heavy downpour every other day, patriotically braving the weather, people flocked to the regular grouping areas, namely where the half naked chicks and pretty boys were, either a place with thumping music, alcohol and dancing or LCD screens, headphones and mice. we were somewhere in between. my lesbian friend and me. going out at times like these makes me wonder alot about society and other strange trivialities that flit about in my head. there is so much happening all around at once, archery lots appearing like toadstools.. in large numbers in the same area, couples making a dramatic arguing scene complete with slapping and wrestling, unconscious females held in the arms of their male escorts while being openly molested.. do they know each other, are they in a relationship.. or is someone about to get raped tonight.. the streets being jammed with traffic, inevitable accidents happen, proceeding to the problem of settling it, the entire time rain is still falling.. the people i am tagging along after seem to draw a lot of attention, they always do. it might have something to do with sleeveless tops and upper arm tattoos. i had neither. my concentration was divided into preventing myself from slipping in any way and looking at pretty things *smirks* of course i had an eye out for missing persons and recognition + observation. nothing extraordinary, doing stuff i dont normally do like holding a pool cue and pretending i know how to use it. we had no booze at all. damn the lack of sponsorship. i did have iced chinese tea, i think people drink that mainly because it costs 20-30 cents. and laksa which i have not eaten in years.. brings back memories from high school days when every recess that was the main course. food in those canteens were dirt cheap. dirt for a reason. i know its rude to talk while youre eating but we had one hell of a conversation in the presence of a drunk cat. walked over to the only cybercafe with internet access and here i am. My Bloginality is INTP!!! .: 12:37:00 PM :. missing half the morning, dreams fade the more you fail to refresh them in your memory or jot the event down instantly. and so mine became a blur, something completely.. slipped my mind. just another lazy day, not unlike the next couple of weeks to come. having the mail handed to me, mail for me? the envelope screams university, killing off what remained of my enthusiasm, the cheap printed name and address, crudely cut into a rectangle and pasted onto the clean if not somewhat creased envelope front. dont these people know how to write? what a waste of natural resources & show of slacking staff. at this point nothing prepares me for what was to be found inside. i love snail mail. tore the flap open easily, thanks to the slacking staff for not smothering it with excessive glue.. hmm maybe they dont waste much after all.. peeked in and took out the single card type sheet with some printed text, half hearted design in blue hues, university name and logo, more eyesore blue toned elements, scribbled fountain pen ink signature which blends in with the rest of the printed typography.. a very visible folded line right down the center, giving it a crumpled, seasoned, totally worthless look. i am talking about my Dean's Award certificate. which officially declares i have been placed on the deans list for trimester 2 session 2000/2001. someone please smack the back of my head and tell me what year it is now. i havent scored a decent cgpa since pre-university days, and that was a whole two years ago. i have yet to receive anything for trimester 1 back then, which i almost aced, no im lying but i did better than the 2nd trimester so wheres that missing certificate? it was a surprise. i left out the word sweet because i dont feel it. and while my siblings talentime competition cert for winning the dance category hangs framed on the wall (along with every other little achievement of theirs) i get to put my smashing award in one of those files with plastic sleeves and attempt to iron out that equally smashing fold in the middle. one newspaper cutting, certified document filled folder to sum up my lifes worth. it is a good day to die. some jester included that in a made-up sequence of database SQueryLanguage script. sorry i dont remember what S stands for. for diehard warcraft fans im sure you would remember that invincibility cheat from way back. if only reality death was as easy to bluff. spending an afternoon of amazons & aliens, watching transporters harvest the wriggling maggot infested food. reminds me of the metaphor we made out of maggot culturing.. pimples. dont see how it relates? you dont have to. i had intended to write something about death and dying, mention the writing of a will.. a phonecall has left me unsettled and perturbed. me: yea im gullible, naïve and stupid. him: those are beautiful qualities. i love them. me: screw you. him: anytime. me: i knew that was coming. i hate your guts. i like you so much. independence day is mere hours away. .: 6:30:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, August 29 :. i hope when im 25 someone tells me im adopted and inherited some funky k-9s somewhere in tolketna. ive had enough of tropical climates in malaysia, beaches are strictly reserved for bikini wearers and admirers, people who get sunburn instead of tanned, which of the latter i am *curses* so bora-bora all you want.. i dont mind the water and exotic sealife. i mind the freaking sun in the sky. its funny indoors where i am you can just stand in the middle of the place and be able to see out to the front or back of where i reside, meaning if you were peeking in from either end you can see right through the entire structure. so when the clouds decide to bully the sun, i get to see drastic changes in lighting, from glaring to dim.. peculiar weather. even more peculiar inhabitants of these living quarters. over lunch, minutes after i awake against my will.. muscles sore from.. nevermind. discussions of local fruit price listings take place, what is the difference between duku and dukung or langsat for that matter.. i should move to a village with a dusun for sketch analysis a.k.a. life tracing or maybe some good old empathy role-playing. moving on, we have asam pou yu, chewing and swallowing while making a note that stingrays are about to be an endangered species. that did not make the dish increasingly appetizing. for me. there is lotus root soup, lin ngau, just the mention of it makes me feel like listing the ingredients and recipe right here. yummy. soup makes the world go round. a simple question of what fungus am i eating, launches a mushroom debate. the correct answer is oyster. i like the grass ones too. i like mushrooms. yes it is obvious i have nothing much to say isnt it. i need to go sit down and write a to-do list. tick-tock says the clock. .: 12:24:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, August 28 :. the fountain of youth. i dont think mike myers has aged one bit. he rocks :) a lot of us would give much to go for a ride in dr. evil's time machine. just hop in and go back to when things were happy and right for you, when you know you wouldnt have changed a thing and stayed or did things differently so you do not end up as you are today. people age. people you dont see often age alot. okay substitute the word age with mature, im sounding like an old maid. i dont see everyone id like to see every other day. when i do, the changes are clear. crystal. theyve matured. im still plagued with pubescent worries while receiving very unhealthy doses of pre-midlife crisis shit. all this while stuck in an everlasting fictional childhood. sick of it all except the fact i have yet to be stripped of pencil test qualifications.. perk of 10; thank you very much. for some confidential reasons thats nothing to be proud of either. i dont like mirrors. especially not when i had my chicken pox five years ago, being fed chinese herbal brew that sped things up.. i only took one week off from school. one miserable week. mirrors are everywhere. not just in the reflective panels of glass, but in each and everyone of us. when you look at someone, you become a mirror. deny it but when you check that person out just like he or she would do if standing in front of a looking glass, you may or may not speak your mind.. yet silently in monologue you judge. evaluations on style, clothing, colour coordination, physique, facial features, olfactory, movement.. everything. go ahead and deny it. reflections tell a lot about who we are. this is why we are all hypocrites. because we are all mirrors. of the past, present and future. i know what i see but i wonder what you see.. .: 9:41:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, August 27 :. Part III
Deliver me from this agony Enduring each fleeting moment Sense of touch forbidden Unfulfilled terms of endearment Buried thorn deep inside Seeking futile eating away Frantic attempt at disposal Of scars from yesterday Alone is an option Not an unforgiving curse Why when without another Do we assume the worse? Pleasures of the flesh Lust brings consuming illusion Never ending roller coaster Which four-letters spell your addiction? Come near come closer Whisper nothings in my ear Stare me in the eye Tell me what you hear Keep hearts safe from breaking Let fall only the untrue Too fragile is emotion When concerning loves fool Winds of change blow Our paths become torn What the future holds Hides quietly, waiting beyond.
Can you see? - Pre-cog Agatha - .: 9:09:00 AM :. communication is dying. digital is dead. to ask someone "how was your weekend" and receive the answer "read my blog", that is a surefire sign we need to detach ourselves from this virtual community and start being able to talk face to face again. just when i thought the hovering black cloud above my head, drizzling occasionally had been blown away to annoy some other unfortunate soul.. it electrocutes me with a nasty thunderbolt. is patience really a virtue, or just something we tolerate to a certain extent. people of various personalities co-exist to make up society, yet some get along with others so well while the handful of misfits seem to be there just to act as a pain in everyone elses ass. im not a pushover, i can only take so much shit at once.. when i get pissed you dont want to be in a one mile radius of where i am. if i tell you off without obscenities, im really mad. if i start sputtering vulgar words in cantonese im beyond mad. this is where i feel bad for taking it out on the innocent who happen to get in the way of my wrath. people who put up with you and your hyde-persona are those whom should be appreciated. they are too few to be found and too huge a loss, if lost. think of it as your own support group. beings who sit there and lend you an ear or shoulder when you need it, regardless of how you express yourself, they will still be reassuring, approving and at some point frustrating but who can deny the comfort of having a two-way outlet. theyre (not) fun (to be). perfectionism stops when you realize its surreal to expect things of better than average standards, not to mention from anothers point of view, good might be ugly and bad might be beautiful. technology requires percision, skills can be acquired. i think its the thought that counts. even if sincerity isnt enough to surpass physical material, i do not mind just having it present. why ask children to colour in the lines, they should be allowed to colour things however they want.. its the beginning of a stereotype life to bind restrictions to them. sad. a mynah cools off in some stagnant water captured by the cover of one of those black plastic rubbish bins, fluffing up the feathers and splashing droplets of water. wild life adapts to development of progress, while we adapt to.. *shrugs* speaketh of lifestyles of the rich and famous, i find it ridiculous to be spending so much wealth on pampering.. its funny how you think just because youre well off other people should be able to see it the moment they lay eyes on you. whatever elegance and classy nonsense. i wonder how they would cope if bankruptcy or even a sudden degrading to average household finances should befall them. ive finally gotten the foreign education topic out in the open with my creators. and they fully support my decision. lol, naw not that wonderful a result.. but its nice to know im allowed to go overseas soon. to further my studies if not for leisure *yay* never imagined this day would come, never imagined how ill-prepared i am to face this luxury, never imagined id have them say yes and a little voice inside of me say no. for a thousand and one reasons.. i do not think i should go, compared to the hundred and one thats screaming at me to get on a plane and fly away. magpies chirping their little black beaks off and a cuckoo wanders aimlessly down the lane. i try to stir bubbles out of a bowl of cheesecake batter, as the texture is too thick to retain bubbles when they reach the surface.. effortlessly dissolving from a burst crater to smooth in-between liquid and solid properties. its that time of year to fatten up and feed the witch in the house made of candy again. when will i ever learn to cook/bake something nice. ah mommy asks about the dude in australia -was in- keeps mixing up the letters in his name. she remembers him. i remember him. when the hell is he coming home. when he does, if he does, i wont need to learn how to handle the kitchen. if you're gone.. baby it's time to come home.. there's an awful lot of breathing room but i can hardly move. .: 12:22:00 AM :. .: Montag, August 26 :. ive fallen into a time portal and transmuted backwards against temporal limitations. finally all the chores of higher education has come to an end, there are no more deadlines around the corner.. for now. nothing but ancient trees and warm air, money worth spent, splattered blueberry soup stains and quiet conversations into the night. planning was never customary as it is not beneficiary, yet i did plan. conspiring flaws and untimely incidents have brought most of them to a screeching halt. my beloved has trouble adapting to the new surroundings and has been hospitalized. i hope a volatile binary exchange does not occur when athlon returns to discover ive been intimate with the pre-dominating pentium; old but still running, with additional splurges of memory.. the sentimental kind. my tendencies to save text in notepads, from chats or certain links, proved worthwhile as i immerse myself in forgotten things. i even have compositions from my first blog, it does not seem that long ago but the distinction in my expression of thoughts is there.. and i cannot seem to speak my heart thru poetry anymore. the words are but words, incapable of the sculpting emotion.. or hidden meanings i regularly stuff my sentences with. whether or not i manage to decipher them in the future, is a completely different, unforeseen matter. my juices are not flowing. cognitive clogging. .: 12:48:00 AM :. .: Samstag, August 24 :. 
Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You? "Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person,wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -Rose Walker- Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman .: 11:01:00 AM :. 66 new email messages. the missing 6 choked on a piece of fried wan tan and got lost in the guestbook. it has not been such a good day. awkwardly immature. i jumped about in KYSM's car park attempting to speed up the natural process of withering leaves and was told straight in the face the act was humiliating. by something that came into this world 7 years after me. i meant someone. so i have been outshone and outfavoured, to sum it all up, im just out.. like a passing trend.. no longer in. do you find it offensive that i run around playing tag with kids less than half my age in the presence of pre-adolescent people, chase white bunnies on grassy playgrounds with them, apply physics to swings just because i think it would be fun to have the wind messing up my hair, swooshing up as high as i can before leaning back with my legs sticking out in front of me to reversibly see my world in a mobile different perspective without cracking my brain? there exists a vastness beyond thought and some people tend to spoil it when they decide upon your limits. alright id have to agree these things are past my time and all, but why are you in such a hurry to grow up.. conclusion of not being hip and happening; im geeky. whats the big deal about quitting piano at grade 2 -the only musical instrument i could decently play-, never learning how to swim or dance ballet -or dance at all; just gimme the booze and shaddap-, attending normal high school -its low cost, i had all the time and room to rebel without cause- instead of some posh malay prioritized boarding school, i had my prime.. it wasnt adored. light distorts while passing through different density, as how perceptions change with passing time. i respect your evolution.. but you will have to respect sloth-paced mine.
another 11% and i'll be an asian female version of Drew Carey. whoa. .: 7:12:00 AM :. .: Freitag, August 23 :.  you're the youngest lisbon girl.
you attempt to slit your wrists but fail. you die during a party... you throw yourself out a window onto a spike. you were known as the weird one, mystical, precocious. you like to wear old wedding gowns and listen to celtic music. what lisbon girl are you? .: 12:04:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, August 22 :. it was a dark and stormy night. according to sources it poured but all i knew was how cold it felt. i think have a gift for getting on peoples nerves.. judging by the treatment ive been getting and spontaneous feedback, yes i definitely have that special ability. oh well, while people are being all lovable and enjoying each others company, im eyeing that nice tender bit on your nape that would be sensational to sink my teeth into. and youre just as prepared to defend yourself. *sigh* or maybe its the other way around, i dont know.. im lost. i was unaware that its already the 15th day of the 7th month on the Chinese calendar, unaware that somewhere with religious chinese folks, the streets would be littered with joss-sticks and candles accompanied with burning ceremonial paper, cups of tea set neatly with dishes of generous choice consumables, scavenged by starving mongrels. at least someone is satiated during this time of year. this is definitely an "ignorance is bliss" moment. just imagine bits and pieces of ashes floating everywhere. thank you human technology for giving me the opportunity of being scared out of my wits, which i have not been for as long as i could remember. it was the worst morning of my life. it was in a single word; disturbing, to know some and nothing at all, trying to understand what was not being told.. me ending up in an unusual state of paranoia. the whole incident happened in the dark. it was a human error on my behalf to have forgotten i had normal switch on-off lights. must be the diversion of the unexplained phenomenon ones. ive seen those lights before, electric blue like the sort you catch at a glimpse from the corner of your eye when lightning streaks across the sky.. except they did not come from the window, but below the closed doors. theyre bright enough to illuminate my room. just like a few nights back i saw lights when i closed my eyes. lower eyelids, clean white. blink, flash of ivory. i have not been under much stress, taking the finals in a very laid back manner, and fatigue has not been a part of the schedule either. sweet dreamless nights. but whats with the lights? before this i dismissed them as nothing but a figment of my schizoid mind and myopic eyes. i even saw a firefly. just one glowing firefly. flitting about near the window earlier today. everything slipped past logic and normality as smoothly as the cold that came from nowhere.. i doubt it was the rain, i was shut in that room. with intentions of staying that way till dawn. i was not intoxicated at all, not even the filtered joints ive come to yearn for. so haunting is the building orchestra, outside and inside the room.. increasing gradually in its intense volume.. then hush it becomes deadly silent like a sign of impending misfortune. allowing the auditory senses to capture the slightest curious scratch or thud.. which only drives the imagination insane, then before you gather your scattered thoughts, theyre approaching a crescendo again. i refuse to turn on my speakers, should i end up hearing things id rather not. the patches of moving darkness teased and played tricks on me, optical illusions on a visually-challenged, no good. and it was so cold. in my half dead grogginess, i felt the crawling of a hand inside my ribs. i could feel the blood rushing through my veins as it started clutching at where my heart should have been, but found the gaping hole instead. i mustve at least smiled before forgetting what came next in my dreaded slumber. we fear not the dark, but what lies unknown in the shadows. if it wasnt for the person i so wished to rid of this anxiety.. whom encountered god-knows-what.. it mustve been bad.. to lose ones temper with the excuse of being edgy over a topic as neutral as kittens.. or to inspire an SMS saying, "Because they're already here." i only have so much tolerance for certain things and people. i comfort myself with the inconsideration. it must be the very first dawn i welcome the rising ball of fire, the sky turns a queer colour which reminds me of my colour scheme here. i light my candle and listen to the crackling wick. turn evil and murder jiminy cricket who was residing under my bed, causing a helluva ruckus, weapon of choice; water-based aerosol spray without CFCs. spill my guts to the first willing reader, breeze through 2.41mb worth of javascript & programming notes, walk to school cussing incoherently to myself -the shop employee had no keys to the cig cabinet-, leave the exam hall half an hour early, and here i am safe & sound. its all done and over with. i feel a tad too clean inside. it wasnt such a good idea to have experienced all that while being sober. .: 8:32:00 PM :. Oh yeah, we know each other real well -- although I don’t think we’ve ever fleshmet.
- Howard Rheingold, apostle of technology and pioneer of virtual communities - it hurts to know your own insignificance. but given the nothingness i have to offer, it is understandable. so attached ive become to the shadows behind the curtains.. the sheer indulgence in little things will be my place always, while you steal the limelight on stage in the presence of an adoring audience, i know not whether the tears stream from my eyes in sharing your joyous victory, or in self-pity from personal defeat. is it too much to ask for.. fulfilled desires. ive come a long way from when i had reality biting at my ankles like a rabid canine, it would appear i am beyond return.. like a permanent fixature of daydreaming, a state of non-focus where one looks into space as though something of breath-taking qualities has caught the eye.. voices tickle your consciousness as you surface from the cool oblivious depths.. i cant snap out of it.. its not addiction. realization of the distraction that keeps me away from sadistic mentality.. aiding me in pulling through, ignoring the fact i have fallen and am not likely to get back up or out of this... this. this innocence while walking along a pavement and tripping, i fall and die. Du bist wie ein Pferd mit Scheuklappen, du siehst dich selbst getrennt von allem anderen. i dont know whats wrong with me, pray tell the root of all evil.. the more i try to unravel the tangles, the more knotted it becomes. like a stupid ball of knitting wool. "if ppl could be a stars just for being like ur then id be ur biggest fan" -beetlegun- let the rain wash away the slivers of molten sand in my open wounds.. permit them to heal so i may wear the scars with pride not shame. as if. dont blame life, living. you hold the core to your very existence. la vita e bella, non? .: 2:11:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, August 21 :. am i the way i want to be. can things happen without a reason. i hear alot of shit. i feel alot of shit. need to get work done. im not the way im supposed to be. i feel different when im the same. the sounds are not true. whats that sound in my head... change the pillowcase. stevens not here. i am. but what about you? can you see whats there? is this not what i feel. this is about the closest i am to myself. Yes, this is where i am. I am where You are. Relations of my eyes & feet are not aligned. Is this your reality. whats on this paper? what shud we make of ourselves. yela Yela .lalalalala what the fuck. why aint, .i.. controlling. writing donno what. steven being high to himself. send one to me. why isn't anyone like that. so sure of. no. i dont want her in my life. shes what i dont want. i will break you. you are in my body. the wind is shooting on wave of ____ __ i dont know. i wasn't being. the thoughts that make our life but a play - Many of ways, many of words that interpret themselves as notions. where to be? this is what i perceived. This is NOT happenning. My self, is nothning but an idea. Results in the passion of compassion. Me. Here. Now. disclaimer:- all typos and spelling errors were intentional. this was taken from a real piece of A3 drawing paper folded into four, numbered one to seven on each section, written with a lead centered stick of wood by Fairuz at the hours before dawn of 18th August 2002, under the influence of Mary Jane. yet another person about to pursue the knowledge of my dreams. jealousy kills. .: 9:02:00 AM :. there is something almost intoxicating on its own about the way a precise amount of lighter fluid turns into a flame resulting from a spark, then pours into the narrow filled opening at the end of a pipe while you suck in air through the other end. the contents alight like a spreading wetness, except that it is glowing red and smouldering. its captivating to breathe the flame in as you witness its submission to your inhaling, the wisps and exotic curls when you exhale. i sound like i have no need for chemical reactions to get high *laughs* ah, some things i let get to me... other things get to me without my permission. if only those other things did not exist. whiskey in the jar. i dont believe corruption is that big a deal, who was it that said you only live once.. should you not dive into everything it has to offer? why blame others for what you are doing on your own, noone forced it.. there is no resistance involved. someone named jason once said to me, "you can't rape the willing". how horrible can a temporary state of bliss be. when you could laugh without holding back, forget the troubles sanity brings. such a misconception.. wonderful things fall to hapless ruin, because too much of a good thing decays with abuse. four and a half weeks of a growing foetus, murdered by indecisive lovers. sleight of hand and twist of fate, why do you lie about the truth. is sex just fucking or making love.. how do you measure love. a pair of fuzzy cuffs wouldnt know the first thing about it.
as i said in a rare conversation yesterday, "i am not the star attraction at the zoo. im just one of those signs that say 'do not feed the animals'...". youd expect me to know what i meant, considering it came from me, but im not sure what the something inside of me is trying to say. its nowhere close to high schizotypal speech.. but im half way there. i wonder if i am still a juvenile delinquent or has my age betrayed me. i just burnt my right thumbnail.. should i trim the edge or burn the rest of my finger nails? .: 7:40:00 AM :. .: Montag, August 19 :. i love being alone.. more often than not. as i leaned over the railing of my balcony, looking at people and shrubs and the darkened sky, puffing on the first of many more through the night.. i was not alone. the soothing song which goes something like "this is hell..." heard just the previous night on the tv series im addicted to, described it exactly. it was a crazy weekend and i barely had one night when i could curl up under the sheets and sleep without worrying. house guests are very capable of eating you out of house and home. as in my case, what food could have lasted me a month of couch potato moments has been digested and flushed into the sewers by now. my little financial difficulty, so rare yet so real, why am i feeding others when i cant afford to feed myself? looks like its nothing but instant noodles till the exams are over. this is hell... im concerned about my teeth and lungs amongst other internal organs, but i cant help myself. they notice how the habit is kicking in, im doing them one after another, after a few minutes, after an hour.. i cant explain it, i deny the dependency. i am not addicted. but it helps kills times like these when you need the escapism from people with twice your capacity for the word happy. how do they do it? im left with nothing better to say, which launches them into interrogations of why am i so depressed or why i keep repeating the same response over and over again. happy people scare me, but im not going to tell them that. it wouldnt put an end to my misery. i see a girl down in the car park and observe her -long night of human factors, might as well put it to practise-, wondering why she walks with an exaggerated swaying at the hips.. leading me to question my own feminity, even though someone almost did but phrased it differently. i thought to myself about people making a fool out of themselves at hair saloons, and realize id sooner have snakes than have my hair set. while the majority of females would go berserk on a shopping spree, i couldnt be more uninterested in the seasons fashion or powdering my nose. a more likely scenario; me tagging along after a woman -same age as me- acting like an immature kid, while she tests my patience, browsing thru boutiques and trying on things she has no intention of buying. youll find me playing with something i picked up from the floor with an intriguing form and no function, or chewing on whatever i might get my hands on to gnaw at. i always wonder where i went wrong, why im me and nothing like them. while they insist on looking their best, i -look my worse as it is- couldnt care less. but maybe its not about skimpy pieces of fabric or chemical products that were not tested on animals -on what then?- maybe it isnt about the phobia of shopping for stuff or sitting there in the most vulnerable state without vision correction and someone standing behind you with a flashy pair of scissors in their hands.. can you guess what it is? its change. till now i still set a boundary between me and the other me that would be me if i gave in to outlook maturity and vanity, everyones favourite sin. everyone wants to look good. i just want to be comfortable. have problem-free skin. then ill go and join the nearest nudist colony. coooey :) .: 6:23:00 PM :. .: Sonntag, August 18 :. ta fu a ri no na ka ma (mi ni). that would be eBs japanese name, direct translation of course. whatever it means. i am jaded. the dark circles around my eyes are increasingly noticable. you can trust me or assume i like make-belief a whole lot more than reality. people i dont know too well are getting to me. rejected an invitation to spend the weekend up at genting highlands. give me a year to think about it? bits and pieces of my memory cache are screaming bad sector. people i know i am getting to know better. i fed a poor starving creature with macaroni and cheese, hope he does not perish of food poisoning. in return i get some temporary company and free black crayons. i have the strangest addiction to Gilmore Girls, every sunday night 10pm tv3. their dialogue is spoken too fast, the words are too big and everything is picture perfect. i dont know why i would even extend staying here a day longer than i ought so i wont miss an episode. i dare say nothing else on the idiot box has got me half as attached as this. damn sookie and her culinary skills.
Pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.
- Jane Austen - shut eye should be more important than cramming three months of worthless notes. right? thank you cheryl for the black cherry scented candle. .: 11:52:00 AM :. where do i begin... i should probably leave the previous post there. just to remind myself of how fried my braincells were. what was i thinking, rejecting free beer but making an exception for horny goat weed. after the late dinner yesterday we decided we have too much time on our hands -despite the finals starting monday- so we walk over to the grassy hill side, i wouldnt know what else to call it.. the conversation is like coals on a fire, embers one moment.. flaming the next. we spoke of the education system, rampant racist issues, non-hands on sexual discussions, paranormal beings that steal guys balls, basically weird shiet. everyone starts to loosen up with caffeine and nicotine, to the extent i could lie down on the prickly grass with my head on sadis belly and look at the night sky with half a moon playing peekaboo. its nice to be allowed to lie on him even though he complains he cant breathe. steven is smoking too much and its causing really bad haze conditions. lol. one of us comes up with the master plan of getting high on marijuana, at my place, why.. i still dont know. so off we go in search of the on campus dealer end up waiting for over an hour and i decide ill go home first. after taking a decent shower and changing my two day old clothes, they call with good news. its already 2am or so at this point and i get another call while theyre stuck at the ground floor. thanks to technology and stupid smart card operated glass doors. it was rather surprising that fairuz came along, rummaging thru everything i had to get the right material for sadi and shahnur. plastic mineral water bottle, aluminium foil, thin rubber hose for cleaning out the aquarium, elastic band, three lighters, sharp scissors, i think thats pretty much the main ingredients. oh yea of course the dry plant leaves, how could i not mention those. the tube was passed around and things started to happen *laughs* the introverts became extroverted and vice versa. steven definitely stole the spotlight, "if coconuts could jump they wouldnt be floating in the sea." that stuff really works some people up i guess. i mean really work them up. a follow up question about the coconuts and why they could jump, he answers, "they have wings but they dont want to use them." the rest of us were fine, i had the milder effect of a bottoms up bottle of white wine, laughing too much and too hard, then again that couldve happened to anyone in stevens presence. he was spewing bullshit like a professional stand up comedian. finishing up with joints, they feast on a whole tin of butter cookies and i pop into virtual reality one too many times, it was scary to be there while we each drifted off into our own state of bliss, as steven calls it. first i heard voices calling my name with loud rob zombie music on -wtf-, then black turned into red and white checks.. a little dyslexic while typing.. but thats about it. my brain, body was shutting down and i could feel it. all i wanted to do was sleep. again, i didnt know if this was because of the previous days activities and lack of proper bedding or the effect of mj. interesting experience no doubt, what with one of my best buddies acting like a total freak. after an hour or so, we all phase out, sadi disappears and i find him asleep on my bed.. since it is my bed i decided to hop in and squash him some, no broken ribs were involved though. shahnur joins us and we do nothing but lie around for some time, the bandur seeing floating stars & pretending to pick lice off my head and feed me with them, resulting in him covering his face with my hair -i just washed it so i can understand why- its so comfortable to have someone to lean on.. ive quite nearly forgotten the sensation of feeling another persons heartbeat. not against mine by the way. i go out into the living room to check out the other two, steven starts complaining about being cold while weak fairuz is practically plastered on the floor, light up a couple of aromatherapy joss-sticks for them before tucking shahnur in, they end up falling asleep wherever they were so i left it at that and went to back to my bedroom, stealing the comforter from sadi before well.. literally, passing out. We are not hypocrites in our sleep. - William Hazlitt - .: 8:13:00 AM :. .: Samstag, August 17 :. hi i like to eat weed.ppl smoke em but i eat em. im weird i know,but thats just me.what else can i say? ppl eat ice cream but i smoke em. okay thats not me, steven wrote it i need some time to retrieve from spaced out mode before i can make a decent post. damn nicotine. .: 9:11:00 AM :. Power of Suggestion bruise and julienne. picky sony burner. morning nicotine fix. exploring school grounds. cold french fries. spicy squid gravy. swinging bus ride. uphill noon walk. ice chilled rambutans. the new guy. watch me now. hearthside scented candles. indonesian home videos. go vivid rules. lollypop rolled tongue. wet bathroom quickie. the return of. milk chocolate candy. the 51st state. short message service. british accent imitations. ice lemon tea. of breathing room. liquid crystal display. here to there. shit takes effort. dismantled computer table. absent minded redundancy. use kettle cable. booze and fag. out of shampoo. sleep to xxx. share single mattress. intoxicated mermaid pose. wake up snore. curled digestive system. heart to heart. early puffing session. sixty nine intrakota. destination china town. rm12 caramel milkshake. fishing middle finger. two become one. beef noodle tripe. timing is everything. brief time alone. one crazy bitch. ape lucu sangat? tak, kamu cantik. what the heck. emergency fag delivery. a working browser. religious intellectual forum. accidental pornographic viewing. late night appetite. three worded sentences. day and half. time to eat. .: 6:29:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, August 15 :. i have the worse habit of waking up, turning on the pc and squinting for about an hour at the monitor screen & keyboard attempting conversation with whoever might be awake, if i manage to login to this unreliable network connection. since last night ive been getting faint whiffs of something which smells like cookies and cream, i just realized it must be the milk that dribbled onto the front of my tee, the one with an ironic cartoon basketball match between the vertically challenged and vertically inclined. i cant stop sniffing my collar now.. i think ill just leave it covering half my face and breathe the half-baked scent. .: 6:23:00 PM :. Received calls' duration 70:09:03 Dialled calls' duration 07:22:55 thats what it reads on my christmas present Nokia 3310. the one with the greyish white cover thats slowly but surely turning uhm.. beige? everytime someone sees it lying about somewhere the response is the same, they think i got a new phone. does it have wap? no. gee. i think ill go come up with some kick ass designs for nokia that dont look ripped off from their previous models. they all look the same these days. running out of fresh concepts. i am going completely out of topic here. guilt tripping for being the main cause of a hefty 3 digit sum telephone bill, the first digit being an 8xx... *speechless* the last time i got into a rut like this, i had to talk to a very concerned parent, a confrontation i am not likely to forget anytime soon. its been about a year since that happened, i think. how do i get into trouble with guys' mothers.. for staying over? for lending occult-influenced literature with just a dash of blasphemy? for.. stuff..? id probably end up daughter-out-law rather than in-law, shucks. there is one mother i never got to meet though, i just know she wont like me at all.. but still.. by the stories told i could tell she was an outstanding woman. was because she committed suicide & left her beloved son behind. the same son who hid in a treehouse and slit his wrists due to unforgiving first love. grow stronger, grow out of your misery. why else would mothers shower us with love if not for us to do just that.. grow. .: 9:03:00 AM :. fairuz: i love you laaa okay? fairuz: and steven does too raewbyddet: awww :x ♥ fairuz: so stop sounding so sedih now aite steven: awww i love u too juin: who say i dont love u all i did was put he loves me not on my yahoo status message. the sweetest thing.. to know people notice you, at all. even if theyre buried in the midst of a closing deadline. so unexpected yet so timely shown an affection. a lot of things mean nothing to me, and those that mean everything have the silliest notion they mean less than nothing. im not sure if i take things for granted, i wish i did not think i was half as bad as i really am.. i cant change a lot of things about myself, and those i can change are faced with reluctance and hesitancy on my behalf. wont i even give it a shot? *shrugs* so i am not worth it after all. the time, the love, the tears.. wasted. please dont bother with me in your heart like you dont bother with me when i am only good for waiting for you. we tire of each other. magnets put the wrong way. steven: wholar? raewbyddet: who what steven: ur status steven: whos the jerk? that would be, yours truly.. me. .: 1:54:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, August 14 :. Complimentary, my dear Watson ian: OHAIYO! ian: gozaimasu raewbyddet: good morning raewbyddet: buaya ian: wei what apartment r u in? ian: a1? raewbyddet: yup ian: cool! ian: buaya come and stalk swan raewbyddet: er... swan? raewbyddet: what swan dude ian: you laa ian: you do not want to be a orge ian: do you? raewbyddet: why swan?!?!?! ian: erm.... ian: a swan is graceful ian: beautiful ian: caring ian: and kind ian: *grin* raewbyddet: holy shit.. thats my neighbour since 13 years ago. we practically grew up together. now we are in the same university together. hes nice.. and single *wink*. buaya because some idiot told him that was the first impression he gave. no comment, ive known him far too long for first impressions. how lurid can it be to have someone call me a swan. after all the reverse ugly duckling syndrome i have encrypted. noone has ever called me a swan before. obvious is it not, i dont take compliments easily.. they always strike me as far-fetched or misinformed. like having someone tell me i write really well -i am at a lost for words to describe what was actually said, okay i dont remember what was actually said- when my vocabulary is sorta stunted and *smiles* the last book i read & finished was Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, which i conveniently took without paying (only RM5.00 or so, good quality paper, illustrated book :) from the metrojaya near the kota raya, pudu raya area. whats with all the -aya's? whats with me and petty crimes? i loved charlie and the chocolate factory. i still do. the same someone also told me i have sort of straight hair -after my Gorgon admission.. wth..- and should lose the glasses. i am so dependent on these anti-myopic lenses propped on the bridge of my nose, i cant get used to not having em there.. it just doesnt feel right. earlier yesterday while searching for food at NSC, my Pucca obsessed friend also made a revelation that i have potential to be a whore. LOL. yess i made it sound that way, she did not utter those words in that order. or in a single sentence for that matter. i find it in my favour to type it that way. *rotflmao* maybe after a fortune spent on chronic makeover essentials.. and plastic surgery. temptation to live a life of luxury simply with appealing physical assets. all of us have that soft spot, why else do we end up looking thru magazines and other form of media with better than average looking people in them? would you be studying hard to get a desk job when you could be a model -super is good but lets not get carried away- for Calvin Klein or something similiar to that scenario? why do they have scantily clad chicks in tech mags. i see more nudity than gadgets and gizmos and its giving me glaucoma. and finally, while everyone is looking at everyone else through rose-tinted glasses.. i very much prefer to be blind. .: 6:20:00 PM :.  discover what candy you are @ stvlive.com hersheys kisses. forgive me for not remembering who it was that revealed the story behind the name; im sure most of us have asked ourselves or others at least once why these treats are called kisses when they clearly resemble other organic matter -i refuse to call them names- when in fact, hersheys kisses were named so because of HOW they were made and not WHAT theyre made into, to be more specific; the action of the machinery while producing these yummy morsels imitates the act of kissing, in this case, kissing the conveyor belt. wasnt that a refreshing bit of trivia? i need to get out more often. oh but i do.. to school. and other school related thingamuhjiggies. blergh. rudely forced awake half an hour late for possibly the most important day since we embarked on our NSC project. honestly i did not do much on my part of the team work, but with Freehand 9.0 drawn and coloured circus caricatures, exported one by one into Encapsulated PostScript (EPS) format so they can be inserted into Flash for animation, who cares? it would be almost accurate to say i have a level of efficiency craved by most procrastinators. a skill unknown in the world of time-managing, hard-working people. i cant help it if i am soft-hearted with my time and its freedom to while away.. or the addiction to 6pm chinese soaps.. but there are downsides to everything. so the presentation to the client was screwed simply because Flash MX is incompatible with its predecessor version 5.0. i dont want to sound like a broken record player but here goes; i hate flash. flash is not my friend. highlight: NSC has new salt-water fish. its such a stunning aquarium. different every time we visit, with corals and elegant lobster-prawn species trotting about on the sand at the bottom, yellow-bellied eel-like fish peeking from beneath nooks & crannies, beautifully striped and paletted swimmers, their distress to flee their constrained body of water openly shown as they go up and down against the glass sides checking every given inch.. "it's all a lot of oysters but no pearls", a long december by counting crows. i can see better in water, the density is in favour to my sight, looking at the fresh water aquarium i notice an innocent stream of tiny air bubbles floating to the surface.. my curiousity to find the pump is futile, when i caught sight of the torn leaf which fueled this endless stream of bubbles.. my conscience gasped. i did not know which to absorb first, the beauty of breathing under water.. or the desperate pain of drowning. *sigh* one-sided as it may be, if it wasnt for this, i would never have the chance to witness the secrets deep beyond the limitations of the human form.
the human form. how is it a person walks into a room and immediately concludes the male and female inside are doing something unspeakable, considering one is an educator while the other is a learner, just by their physical positions which hinted a slight possibility of fellatio. after a lot of analyzing and thought, those two adulterous individuals being very familiar, the female whom i used to be incredibly close to before the most unfortunate incident of moving off campus.. only the two would know the truth. all we the observers and listeners can do is make a couple of blind stabs in the dark. i got this scandalous bit of news from a person who is amused by sandwich cling wrap, experimenting with its stretchability -if you would be so kind as to put in a good word for him should you know any Durex authorities- and had cyber sex for the first time a week ago, for crying out loud. so we are all infested with impure thoughts.. but tarnish an innocents reputation? excuse me, whos innocent? *smirks* if you dare put yourself in such a situation be prepared to face the consequences. .: 4:11:00 AM :. .: Montag, August 12 :. i have never encountered exhibitionists of any sort. please refrain from flashing.. thank you. after reading what freud has to say about medusa.. i wonder if i am really that bent on immersing myself in psychology.. woman! without her, man is nothing. woman, without her man, is nothing. linguistics with a touch of gender equality. Human Factors & Interaction, my ergonomics class had its final session yesterday. the lecturer is one of the only 4 people specializing in ergonomics in the whole of peninsular malaysia. goddamn impressive. his class must be the most nap-encouraging class ever, as much as i enjoy testing the limits of my brain capacity i am sleep-prone too. long afternoons in air-cond room.. baad for mental awareness. i had no idea i would be required to study ergonomics when i first got thrown into this majoring course. when being taught semiotics/semantics and he asked us to identify a portrait, i ended up the only person who could answer; william shakespeare. i feel so special :P half the class knew marilyn monroe though, oh yea i hear ya.. only half? *shrugs* the rest mustve been snoozing. he mentioned the different kinds of ergonomics so we would understand we were in the design genre. but the category that appealed to me was psychology, or even better sounding, divinity. sharing a personal experience with people from that area, it awed me to discover they question reality and the existence of god among other things.. it would be truly wonderful to be studying what i do every other second in my wake. sigh. i start thinking about discussing this with my parents (again) and quitting my half earned B. M.M.(Hons). like i am bloody well going to be sponsored off to loughborough. "The terror of the Medusa is thus a terror of castration that is linked to the sight of something. The hair upon the Medusa's head is frequently represented in works of art in the form of snakes, and these once again are derived from the castration complex. It is a remarkable fact that however frightening they may be in themselves, they nevertheless serve as a mitigation of the horror, for they replace the penis, the absence of which is the cause of the horror. This is a confirmation of the technical rule according to which a multiplication of penis symbols signifies castration." -Sigmund Freud- .: 1:14:00 PM :. .: Sonntag, August 11 :. some strangers dropped me off at school today. two pretty girls who picked me up as i was reaching a quarter of my routine walk. blessed be those kind souls. after close to three months, this is the first.. excluding occasional lifts from people i know. someone up there must be smiling down on me. im shocked by that incident as i am that i typed the prior sentence. its a line i use on people who have lost a loved one. i reckon if i am self-induced to say those words.. i must believe them to some extent myself. angels. i met cucciolo by pretending to be one. when asked what was i doing on earth away from the almighty creator of the universe.. i answered almost effortlessly that god had intended to make me blonde, but i refused claiming it was a sexist generalization in the community of angels. wha..? insisting to have the raven black hair i have to this day, i was banished on probation.. had my wings clipped something or rather. i dont know how i come up with these things. presently, i feel nothing like an angel. i do think i belong with the Gorgon sisters however.. if youre trying to scrap up the slightest clue as to who the Gorgons are, one word: Medusa. still doesnt ring any bells? go study some greek mythology you.. nevermind id have turned you into a fetching pillar of stone by now. its not the scales or talons.. hmm talons.. my past shoulder length mane appears to have a life of its own. one morning i might wake up to the sounds of soft hissing and discover a headful of metamorphed reptiles.. wont know what to make of it. better get a bucket hat ready for the day that happens. would they need to be fed? what would they eat? after digestion do they.. er.. hmm.. greek mythology never mentioned the pros and cons Medusa faced. i shall have to delve deeper into this when i can spare the time.  .: 6:59:00 PM :. .: Samstag, August 10 :. Coffee Drinkers Prayer Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm): For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever. Amen .: 9:16:00 PM :. Under the Dreaming Tree i show up at the doorway of his room with a packet of hot coffee and bread. a packet? ji, this aint america or some fancy cafe joint.. so take it or leave it; packet. the gratitude lights up his face for some reason he isnt doing what he is supposed to right then. ah the weariness gets to all of us. lately ive been doing deliveries, i dont mind at all.. its nice to put a smile where it belongs. even if i know its not in the best interest of their health. he asks me why i didnt take a straw. drinking hot coffee with a straw; do you want to burn your tongue off? i ask him to find a clean mug instead, knowing that place.. there are things growing in the kitchen that could easily fall under the endangered species list, though its the very same kitchen i look over his shoulder when hes cooking and eat his concocted mush or risk burning my hair using the gas stove as a lighter. helping him pour the coffee into the ceramic container, he retreats into pure enjoyment of that simple warm aromatic liquid. these are the kind of advertisements the caffeine industry should be making, wouldnt you agree that nescafe ads have been overly foreign. coffee bean & tea leaf, starbucks, ladida.. theyre going to end up taking over the world someday. people have actually asked me if my family business dealt with white coffee, my hometown being the perfect excuse for such a question. the answer is no. we talk some before another comes. we talk more and laugh over things said now, forgotten the next instant. its common with us, his place is my hide-out between hours.. where i get to sit down and kill whatever there is left to kill in my breathing system. it is in a sorry state but its home. with a living room they all sit in to poke fun at each other, sipping tea and making heaps of ashes. ki? tea is to enhance the high of weed. im surprised they welcome me there. all that is lacking are bongs. the other departs and its just me and him again. he tells me hes going to sleep a while -after coffee?- and curls up on the mattress, disregarding everything else, including me. i quietly entertain my feelings.. feelings which remind me of the sea. by the time i decide to leave, he is sound asleep. i half-pat half-nudge him on the head and inform him ill be coming back later. he repeats what i just said to him. pore? affirmative. i close the door behind me and walk away. even if i dont come back later today.. i will another. im glad. for sunsets and for you. You are addicted to MARIJUANA! You are the "sit back and watch everything" type. You could describe yourself as lazy and unprovoked. You are amused by stupid things, but only when you are understanding what is going on around you! Half the time you are clueless, but that's okay. You're taking the easy ride through life, and hopefully you won't get caught on some speed bumps. Deep in your mind however, you are actually very creative and bright! You have the capacity to make a difference in the world if you put some effort into it. .: 8:55:00 PM :. .: Freitag, August 9 :. ive never been one for denial. truth be known you have to work hard to get where you want and be who you wish. its been too long since i prioritized things in my life right. its so much easier to walk misled, in the dark and the rain, watching my hands turn blue from the cold. its hard to believe these are the same hands that fall victim to admiration, slender fingers, nails that seem manicured to the untrained eye. i have a little dark spot on my right palm, i suppose you would call it a mole.. have yet to find out what it means, since it was not there from birth, gradually making its presence obvious. the lines on my palm betray how my life is tangled with complications. most likely self-inflicted no doubt but complications all the same. i never was a fighter, barely surviving each battle i encounter.. flirting with death in the most subtle approaches, for i know better than to think my time is now. will this war never end? speaking not of being triumphant inside, i take my issues lightly.. until they rise up in rebellion against me and have to be suppressed and hidden away under lock & key. it has occurred to me there are more effective solutions than that, lest you picture me a hopeless introvert.. but i lack strength to extract myself from this surreality. not being a fighter does not necessarily make me a loser, jump to conclusions if you will, that would seem most judgementally-correct a label. however, giving up does. being a quitter does. at the moment ive gone into reverse and returned to the timeframe when i wanted to quit everything. because i feel undeserving.. where i lovingly store my most intimate of emotions, i feel nothing but despair. a person should only be able to feel so much at once. i know where i stand, with or without my cowardice. do you? often i wish i had the privilege of being a friend rather than the lies and games i am accused of. the angst and disappointments vent upon me. happiness claimed but shown elsewhere. an inferior scapegoat.. singed by flames, doused by negligence. the yearning emptiness bestowed with absence. fonder or wander. my vision is clouded. my mind is biased. i will never understand.. even though i say i do. the four letter word makes me feel like a gutted fish on ice. my apologies to all aforementioned parties and those to be mentioned in the future, may the assumptions be relative if nowhere near precise. i dont really know what a gutted fish on ice feels... music: depeche mode - dirt. .: 10:53:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, August 8 :. She let concealment,
like a worm i' th' bud, Feed on her damask cheek; she pin'd in thought, And with a green and yellow melancholy, She sat like Patience on a monument Smiling at grief. -Twelfth Night, William Shakespeare- an honour it is to be acknowledged instead of ignored. ignorance is bliss though, so the hell with honour. something made me trip over a forgotten gravestone i buried with the sands of lost youth. that coming from me, would make a stranger assume my age is twice what it is. someone did write a song about me once. that is sad to say all i can muster up from the murky depths of my memory. because i do not have much desire to remember that someone. at all. inevitable are the nostalgic demons of the heart, those who claw at the most vulnerable parts that make you human, drawing blood.. not enough, not too much.. causing eternal internal pain. bleed they say, cleanse your soul. i say.. what soul. go haunt the person who holds my tell-tale heart. all i have is a gaping hole and some dripping veins, who cares about their names. can i offer you a quarter of an aorta? i find similarities in gum. you pick a flavour and pop it into your mouth. the sweetness overwhelms your taste buds at first, getting you to chew it more frantically and it melts away, achieving that comfort level of sugar.. not enough, not too much.. after a while you start wrapping the gum around your tongue, blowing air gently into the enclosed shape, you keep blowing pushing its limits.. the gum stretches as the bubble grows, it gets thinner. more translucent it becomes. you know it is bound to happen. you want it to happen. the gum cant take it anymore. the bubble pops. the insides escape. it deflates. the whole process repeats itself. over and over again. finally you get sick and tired of exercising your jaws. its repetitively boring. the gum is tasteless. you want to put something else in your mouth. spit it out, the end. the life story of bubble gum. were you playing the role of the gum or the person chewing the gum? i guess there are openings for both in every one of us. sometimes the former, others the latter. when do you get to the point that enough is enough? never. .: 8:39:00 PM :. .: Mittwoch, August 7 :. wake up go to school.. at this time of the day i could hear that phrase being said by whoever to me. the network connection went down on me -no pun intended- so i couldnt make it in time for a wednesday post but 3am thursday aint that bad. there was a gig at my "housing estate" as duan from 7 collar t-shirt said and i quote. hahaha.. that was an unintentional joke. i think he really meant what he said when he said it.. someone owed me money for buying him cigarettes every other day so i got a free ticket to watch the gig, and its just a short walk away from where i am sitting right now so why not? fairuz calls and alerts me of his arrival in the area. he finally lent me royal tenenbaums and i gave my black&white film negative to him so he can go print some nice photos of my canine pet for me. im sorta restricted from entering our dark room now that im not taking photography anymore. all the same i meet up with my schizotypal friend and we go sit on the steps near the swimming pool, proceed to send smoke signals to invite everyone in the vicinity. being the steve vai he is, all the very important people and those on his death list start getting pointed out to me, a vocalist here, a bitch there.. my memory is too lameass to recite them all. damnit. our conversation is also redundantly ridiculous to remember. i havent been to a gathering of that nature since the last battle of the bands on campus which naked breed guest performed in. so this is the first gig ive ever attended.. i think. it was an eye-opener. considering i showed up in a petaling street t-shirt and jeans while lotsa chicks were dressed up in skin tight attire, hehe.. i should stick with the gig, no? after what seemed like hours of sitting there waiting they finally let us in, had that hand stamping system, still have ink on the back of my hand. i think it was some sorta fuzzy creature, didnt get a good look before it got all runny and absorbed into the outer layers of my skin. everyone had to sit on the floor and the person i promised to stand next to the whole time decided to sit right in front of the door and in everyones way. huh? yes it is daft that i followed suit and did the same, but lets start with the opening act shall we? sergeant weener's arms featuring smek, lopong and the other two malay dudes played some superb self composed (as all the rest are) instrumental pieces. im talking about people i sorta know in person here! lol.. ah im such a sucker for guys with those beatles haircuts.. with bangs and slight curls, like matchbox 20's rob thomas or incubus' brandon boyd in drive. manai used to look a lot like him. and here are so freaking many of them. *takes a deeep breath* next up is the group couple. they had a number including a tamborine, the wake up go to school song as i remember it anyway. i dont have much to say at this point cept i had ramone sitting mere inches away on my right *grin* *grins somemore* *can't stop grinning* okay someone slap me before my face freezes this way. the multipurpose hall is quite stuffy and lacking philharmonic wachamacallit technology so sound just bounces off the walls and vibrates thru the floor, we might as well all be wearing headphones at max volume. okay im exaggerating. the echo effect was still there and by the time couple finished their act, fallen leaves announced a toilet break, we went out, steve was stopped by paul, the blonde vocalist of damn dirty apes, the guy who is supposedly willing to give me free weed :) said hi-bye and we went on to sit on the see-saw in the playground -for children below 12- sending out more elaborate smoke signals, talking about devirginizing, identifying love me butch band members as well as damn dirty apes and pregnant unit members being sighted loitering about... missing niche's performance in the process, the audio was fine outside, just had no idea who niche was thats all. to top it all off, 7 collar t-shirt put on a great show.. nice variety of songs, one even resembled the jazzy alley cat song in disney's aristocats.. being amidst all these talented people doesnt make our music industry look half as bad as how hypocrites describe it. and it takes a lot to face as well as overcome the criticism; for them to get to where they are now, playing at that standard, trying to coax us into buying their albums. makes you feel like picking up an instrument and learning how to play it to a certain level. back when people used to tell me i could sing, i wanted to do exactly that. but hey yknow what? im not a babe. im not a multi-instrument -not even a single instrument actually- playing musician. i get stage fright. i dont have the passion for music i see in so many people. i could live my life in silence and it would not matter. so much for all the hoo-haa. i think i will finally request a transfer for the guitar to move in with me next fortnight. maybe consider what strings, strumming and solitude have to offer. just maybe. .: 12:13:00 PM :.  Take the ICQuiz!  what sexual performer are you? damn, you're good. you're intimate and reckless. you buy stuff that you could barely afford but you live a life others would envy. work is just something to get you by while you are preoccupied with thoughts about the opposite sex. you seduce with intellect when looks fail you. the thrill of the chase fuels you and you're not afraid to try new things. your intimacy goes beyond the flames of passion. you look for love at the most inopportune of moments. you sleep with impunity and could break a few marriages if not caught. you love sex with a dash of danger. oral sex? with passion. sexual positions? you go with the flow. okay i did not mean to load up so many sexually provocative links at once. if you click on the ICQ status image youll get loads of porn courtesy of a nose bleeding person who found me on mIRC. click on 'the lover' and youll learn some new fornication techniques to wow ur mate(s) ;) it came with the quiz results but nah i didnt wanna bare all here. hahaha.. all this talk about x-rated things just derailed my train of thought. speaking of derail walking home thru a drizzle i stumbled -nah i just saw but saw is boring- upon a car accident involving a kancil and uh i dont know some other car, pretty banged up both of them, and everyones just standing there under the light falling of rain talking amongst themselves, eh cmon i know youre malaysian and you got the mentality to prove it and all but do i have to remind everyone theyre standing in the rain without umbrellas just to poke their noses in something that doesnt concern them, well most of them anyway. its not like someone died and theres blood splattered everywhere! ooh then id have to give in to my malaysian mentality as well. dont ask what were the car number plates i didnt bother looking. HA. theres no place to buy digits here anyway. back to the porn, theres lots more where it came from so dont hesitate to ask. strangely enough i remember the URLs but dont pay them any visits myself, just a little something to divert the attention of any encounters with hot-blooded testosterone-driven males i guess. octopussy was great though, i am so very glad i did not have to rely solely on National Geographic & my imagination. they shouldve used a bigger octopus. that one looked like sushi.. ookay enough of eight tentacled sea creatures for now. INTIMACY, n.
A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Their feelings. Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on friends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you are you and I am I. -Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce- .: 2:06:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, August 6 :. Migraine Headaches Are Biological, Not Behavioral Do you suffer from migraine headaches? Rest assured, you haven't brought the condition on yourself, and you're not a weak person. Experts believe that sufferers are genetically predisposed to attacks due to abnormalities in certain brain cells. i never was a weak person. and as it just confirmed with the statement above, i am sick in the head. youre probably going to tell me it aint no big deal every other hypochondriac has a migraine. lol. yea okay if you take away the nausea, vomitting, fever, cold chills, please-blow-my-brains-out sensation.. then yea it aint no biggie. ive always marvelled at the possibility of having a head tumour :)
before you scream i'm not antisocial. we have all been duped into mistakenly thinking schizoids are anti-socialites. and you're looking at a full fledged schizoid yea baby yeah! .: 7:58:00 PM :.  You're the Cow Smiley! You're completely random and spontaneous. You're often the life of the party or maybe just the class clown. People like you because of your humor factor and tendencies to do things normal people wouldn't dream about(IE: canning yourself) Take the Which Yahoo! Smiley are you test By Foiledagain whoopeedoo. to think i scored a big zzzzz on a how random are you quiz. not random at all? and now im a cow. the someone i found this quiz on -her site- is also a four stomache food digesting walk-a-bout organic mechanism. steven got the stuck up stubborn smiley *rotfl* the new version of yahoo smileys are animated, which freaked me out the initial time i saw the laughing one laughing and the smitten one's heart beating. yes i have tendencies to make the worse out of everything. theyre really outdoing themselves. its great to have their chat software installed. the official communication system of mmu. ive also taken the ICQuiz but misplaced the codes so save that quirk for another day. ive finished 2 tins of chips by now. *restrains inner count (literally ja) dracula* i missed my chemo yesterday so vlad is making up for it now. gotta go melt some ice cubes. my otak is very cair. .: 11:32:00 AM :. i am sitting here next to a crate of 12 cottage fries tins. thats 100gms of potato chips, 200gms of potato chips, 300gms of potato chips, 400gms of potato chips, 500gms of potato chips, 600gms of potato chips, 700gms of potato chips, 800gms of potato chips, 900gms of potato chips, 1000gms of potato chips, 1100gms of potato chips, 1200gms of potato chips... 1.2 kgs of potato chips *thunder booms and lightning flashes* (todays conversion of the mathematical equation was brought to you the by the letters r-a-n-d-m and the number 0) and its all mine! surpassing what i dreaded most, walking in the afternoon sun *sweat* i got to STAD and stood in line to make one of the best purchases ive ever made in muh life. excluding all the ones i didnt have to pay for.. oh wait, if i didnt pay it doesnt count as a purchase does it? i suppose i should thank steve y. as well for alerting me about this cool promo. never seen so many status messages on Yahoo! messenger all mentioning Wise Cottage Fries. i declare this fine day cottage fry day. dont argue with me about plurals. argue with me about what kind of chip dip i should make! almost forgot today is my papas birthday. nah i didnt forget, my mom has to suffer my forgetfulness when it comes to family birthdays. probably due to the fact its only 5 days before mine. erm am i unconsciously making myself sound self-centered? well its certainly not unconscious now. so i call him at his office and wish him, thats all pathetic first child has to offer. shouldve woke up earlier and took a bus back to Ipoh to surprise him *grins*. action speaks louder than words, and more often than not thats all i am. words. promised him a  Mercedes SLR once, in front of all my uncles too. ugh i need to keep my big mouth shut. i cant recall the last time i hugged him. or told him how important he is in my life. nor my mom. i need to work on my people skills. someone pass me the laxatives, im emotionally constipated! .: 12:37:00 AM :. .: Montag, August 5 :. really often i like to allocate some time off and try to unravel the mystery of being me. mavis is going to korea tomorrow and she asks me if id like anything. how about taking me along for the two weeks. yea right. would you like anything from korea? my geography sucks, i wouldnt know what to ask for. but i do ask her to send me a postcard or something, sentimental value huh. babe, if you ever read this, i still have a lot of your letters with me, the postcards from concorde hotel and stuff like that, including that lacy blue thong for christmas *laughs*. and i still regret the time i got stupidly angry at you. what a mistake. i end up telling her i cant think of anything i would want, that its the thought that counts & to buy something nice for herself. where do you get a friend like me eh. im such a loser. if i were inflatable id probably shanghai myself to korea together with her luggage. if i were inflatable id probably shanghai myself everywhere all the time. a change would do me good. time to role-play and prepare for chemotherapy again. my head is a wasteland. 
.: 8:49:00 AM :. ive just gotten something thats been annoyingly disturbing over and done with. woohoo! nothing beats the feeling of overcoming obstacles eh? had too much of a sunday morning chemotherapy session, head hurts. how do you have an argument with someone over an overzealous rooster? painkillers not killing the pain :( the more i own this blog, the more html obsessed ive become. a friend just asked me if i have any anime. shes happily enjoyed a continuous exposure of Pucca animations on the intranet. i wonder why the girl keeps kissing the unwilling boy. observation: quite a majority of blog owners are manga/anime fans (hehe should i mention hentai here?). even if their blogs dont reveal this crazed inclination, the little adoptions and text-based emoticons give it all away. and i would have to regretfully admit it is rubbing off on me. kudos to all those impressively designed websites, ive never known any talent other than plagiarizing and it amazes me how people who are not taking art as a major or even as a subject in school are able to come up with layouts one could admire all day. the scripting overrules the fact it has an anime theme. ugh this reminds me of the time i had to spend 3 whole days putting together our own interactive game on macromedia director by dissecting the japanese rock band GLAY with aya-chan among other anime freaks. or so i call them. i cant really identify the reason why i wont allow myself to be submerged into a wild fancy for 2 dimensional cartoons, which are incredibly good and authentic to say the least. japanese animations have always preserved that originality in their work. and people all over the world love it. maybe im holding an overly long-should-have-been-forgotten grudge for my ancestors, being tortured and shamed by the japanese soldiers during the world war days. mention germans and you think nazis. it doesnt make much sense to me why their culture is being idolized on a pedestal, while most of us chinese dont know our own passed down traditions and beliefs. 'tis most bewildering. dissed? i hope not. .: 12:48:00 AM :. .: Samstag, August 3 :. 
which 50's stereotype are you? thats sad. i was going for beatnik, but this is as good as it gets. wonder who the idiot rock artist could be.. hmm wouldnt mind an idiotic ballad. something is always better than nothing. apparently im going to perish from a cocaine overdose just like Shannon Hoon, lead singer of Blind Melon. lol. but before that i'm going to drive Bond's austin or whutever i cant remember that many trivial details in one night. its obvious nonsensical quizzes are frying my braincells. if i have any decent cells left to be stirred around in a pan over a hearty fire. nothing beats eating good old open-fire cooked food, ashes and all. i think its an atmospheric thing. roasted marshmallows are sooo goood. running around leaving calling cards keeping my fingers crossed they will find their way back to me & i wonder why i bother. a lesson to learn from eating is not to eat too much thus to practise moderation would be the morale of the story. settle for less even though you can have more, yea i guess thats what moderation is about. the wind is howling. i hear it slamming doors and whispering loudly thru closed window panes. the oddest of things at most untimely situations could frighten the shit out of you. is it real or just a state of mind, such a mystery. the more we try to work out an answer, equation, explanation, the further we dwell in infinite space. dont you know by now that there is no real answer to anything. we just know what we know because we were taught so and because we missed the construction of the pyramids, the journey of christ, the evolution of man.. will you absorb everything as truth on grounds that it is a documented fact? i still want to lie on the floor of the Sistine Chapel and stare myself silly at Michaelangelo's masterpiece, so what if the embedded religious depth would mean nothing to me.. i dont think they would let me lie on the floor in the first place. then again id never get that far.. from here. to there. a question: why am i emotionally disturbed? who knows, not me of course otherwise i would have solved the problem by now. the story gets old after youve mentioned it more than thrice, im not one for tales anyway.. cat got my tongue. .: 12:15:00 PM :. .: Freitag, August 2 :. how would you react to find yourself drenched in your own blood. on a saturday noon. at least pain wasnt a part of the ordeal, it never is. first time for everything aye. its not that i mind the fact my hemoglobins decided to run away from home and see the world, however i do mind very much when they dont get very far, shrivel and die, due to inability of adaptation outside their natural environment. in plain english, does anyone know how to get rid of blood stains? its soaked into my mattress *counts backward from 10*. an incentive to get my laundry done early this weekend. urgh im involuntarily doing all these ming boggling online tests again. did i just say ming. there goes my spelling. some of these results really stand out, churn your digestive system, and make you want to gag at how precise it just psycho-analyzed your inner freak. one asked me to get a cat cuz thats the only thing ill have to come home to in the future, one called me a baroque timepiece, to wrap it all up; my libido rated at nymphomaniac levels. i am one raging hormone. just one? they say people who chew on ice are sexually frustrated. i just thought i had strong teeth. Your answers indicate that you are an electronic abuser. The only question is whether you abuse the Internet or it abuses you. Either way, it is well on its way to becoming an obsession. Sometimes the world around you fades into a murky haze while your monitor takes on a preternaturally clear focus. Online characters are beginning to stand out brightly, if only in your imagination, while the people around you grow dull and lifeless. Before this goes any further, you'd better come up for air. Talk to a few real people. Observe a computer free day at least once a week. .: 8:55:00 PM :.  i dont know why am i trying to download a Stitch Screenmate. probably because it will entertain my siblings the next time they invade my computer. also because Experiment 626 was sent to me thru e-mail and i couldnt resist adopting it, despite this being the 3rd time im attempting to get it to work. unknown formats suck. the third time had better be a charm, otherwise i am going do something bad to someone.
okay thats it. i give up. rot in hell unsuccessful download. .: 12:05:00 PM :. .: Donnerstag, August 1 :. a lump of vodka-filled chocolate from dubai has melted on my tongue. the foo fighters decided to hire me as their creative consultant. thanks to steven and his unbelievable connections in the music industry. too bad it wasnt dave matthews band. ju-huu! were gonna tour the world now that steven is replacing their guitarist. its such a pity you promised dave g. before dave m. asked you. all the same; this rocks! time to get myself a passport and quit school :D the imagination can be so satisfying. wonderfully wet morning simultaneously disturbed from slumber with aya-chan living in the next block. cyberjaya, city of uber lines. in the interface design lab with three other groupmates, two in front one next to me, and believe it or not.. we have an online conference. i laughed my head off. one of them even tried to start a voice conference. juin makes me help him do copywriting; tagline for introducing the real deal about hainanese chicken rice, "serving you more than what's on the plate". isnt that exquisite? personally id have gone for "deboning the chicken", but what do i know *smiles* lethargy is setting in and with the weather in a snuggling mood, one cant help wishing to be anywhere but right here and now, working on projects with presentations around the corner *pout*. i hate flash. flash is not my friend. i have been reciting that every damn time someone mentions Macromedia Flash in my presence. simply because i am proudly flash-illiterate. hell with mx. you can go ahead and knock yourself out, create something that moves. ill just stick with my html and photoshop. enjoy lifes simpler things. .: 11:21:00 PM :. |
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