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.: Freitag, November 29 :. just when you might think one of the elements is missing from this picture, we had a bucket of beer. ive refrained from consuming alcohol because my face get flushed and it could not be more obvious that ive been drinking. it was another night out with my childhood friend and her friends again. three of them have a weird bond. it rained cats and dogs in the evening but i managed to get out anyway. after much driving around and making pit stops all over town, all four of us were in the models car.. i seriously cant seem to stop admiring how erm.. proportionate she is and stuff. argh. the freak wanted to eat and eat we did, she insisted on paying so why argue. a bucket of beer. cheese mussels. chicken terriyaki. honey chicken wings. garlic bread of various lengths.. there was much perversion about this but i wont dwell on it. cigarettes. syok giler. upon arrival i saw three old schoolmates having dinner and was caught completely off guard thus said feebly, "wow you can recognize me." like i have changed any since then. i should have sat down and small talked them but i chose mussels, heineken and dunhill instead. my chair wasnt even facing their direction, so i didnt put a lot of thought into it. oh well. my childhood friend got an sms informing her that one of her classmates died in an accident the day she left penang. im just glad its noone i know. its somehow funny to joke about death but the opposite when it really happens. the three of them started planning for the upcoming festival holidays and events, i dont know what i was doing there with them.. theyre like a nicely balanced three legged stool and im the fourth leg thats present for no bloody reason. la la la.. its refreshing to know some people who are not talking about what to wear and what social place to go to this christmas. no religious nor family commitments either, woohoo.. a night of getting wasted on the beach. never felt so out of place in my life. then suddenly all hell breaks loose. ah heck yknow its probably polite to invite me along since im sitting there listening to their plan and lifeless as i am i wouldnt have an alternate plans. the freak even generously proclaimed all food and drink will be on her and shes looking forward to seeing me there. i dont know. i have to check my timetable and shit like that. trying to courteously turn down the offer. its not right to intrude. even when they were thinking about what to do after dinner, the model started her funky eye language (i wasnt supposed to see it but i did so HA) while they were deciding what and where to go, the freak had to 'talk' to my childhood friend so i guess i didnt really need to hear it.. i have no problems with being dropped off first. she patted my hand reassuringly after i agreed to that, its easy to understand whats going on because theyre not accustomed to hiding things. shes always been good to me. i got home in one piece all rosy with red lips -the flushed stage has passed- things happened. what does the word white mean to you? it means the last unicorn to me. .: 9:41:00 AM :.  Sometimes she gives me
her eyes because Sometimes I go blind. - Six Feet Under - i went out last night. i came home this morning, beating the sun by mere minutes. a groggy man lumbered out of the bedroom and said a few things. i made sure i masked the scent of dunhill cigarettes and weed before hitting the sack. ended up sleeping with strands of olive oil coated hair around the culprit fingers. one can never be too careful with suspicious impressions. it was a long night. it started with an unsuspecting call from an unrecorded number, displayed in all familiarity.. i answered. my childhood friend arrived at my doorstep. in her car. with a furry bag i got acquainted with. basically what you do with childhood friends is you catch up. thats pretty much what we did. it was a whirlwind on her side of the world. sex, lies and birth control pills. so many first encounters this time of year.. i hope for her sake it is just paranoia and there wont be need for a real abortion. she tried to keep it from me. "okay la i tell you since were in the same boat..." wth? what boat? we are all screwed up. she didnt want to go home. it didnt really matter if i did or not. we spent hours yum cha-ing, surrounded by her friends.. i felt rather alienated. two of them were regulars at the padang, one was a complete stranger to me and two were secondary school mates. then it began. the storytelling. tale after tale those wet tongues started to spill. of car accidents, getting drunk, orange event, vanity fairs, people, things, violation of personal space, male rape.. blablabla. it is so tiring to maintain eye contact and smile an entire night. the crowd didnt grow but shrank eventually. we went to the models house. her family is rich. the house was so elaborate in decor, almost like an antique shop with little odds and ends. she reminds me of catherine zeta jones in high fidelity. we made helluva lotta noise on the way up to her room where she immediately clogged the the space below the door with a towel and threw the windows open. i learned to roll weed in a different way and where to get hemp paper. seems like theres no running away from smoking pot.. it was a quiet threesome. i participated in the bitching, as there was nothing else to do other than talk/listen. its strange how people played with you years ago then suddenly question your honesty while resting that finger on the fifty cent coin which moved to spell words on hastily hand-made ouija boards. i used to play that forsaken game by myself, alone. i didnt move the coin. those early hours before dawn make people hungry. if youre like my childhood friend, then its for kfc. apparently she has not gotten over the craving.. she just called again. we are going out. again. when i came home 12 hours ago, i looked into the mirror. it was a hideous sight. i thought about the world and decided its not that pretty either. life is wasted on the living. .: 2:27:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, November 28 :. the weather is killing me. had i complained too oft about the falling rain? what is this now to be tortured in a baking husk beneath the yellow rays of afternoon sun. just yesterday someone reminded me how antisocial i am, while another invited me to go on a trip to genting highlands. risk a landslide? i dont know what id do there with one who gambles in the casino and one too timid to go on adrenaline rush rides. he said well just smoke around, lol.. i bet you never smoked in such a misty place before. err.. thats true but go all the way up there just to fag? that would cost money & im still broke, though its not as noticable since i havent stepped outdoors in a week and have been receiving free meals. $_$ beggars cant be choosers. i wrote this for the first blog i created. over half a year ago perhaps? it sounds like me. a notch happier i guess.. "I am living the Lethargic life. Ju huu! I sleep a good ten hours straight, awake with a blackout, start falling asleep over any furniture I make contact with… mmh then I eat almost everything in sight while trying to shake off the bedsores. Sloth-like. One of the 7 deadly sins. I use my ample supply of energy to type nonsense like this, it requires hand-eye coordination so it must burn some calories. Most importantly when I am sitting comfortably staring into space, I think. To myself. I wonder about people and what they're doing while I am doing absolutely nothing. I remember all the doors I had to choose from, seeing what was behind them but never putting one paw in front of the other to go in and see what was in store. I just sorta sat there. Like what I am doing now :) So I missed out because I had no inclination to budge whutsoever. Carpe diem… not. And now all I have is a window to look out of and observe life while not living my own. Do you ever wonder how dilated your pupils get in complete darkness? It dawns on me that not only am I lethargic, I am also boring *yawn* if I were put in a zoo, at least people would pay attention to me -LoL- okay time to go back to hibernation." i shall save the one about love for valentines day. .: 12:04:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, November 27 :. when trapped with nowhere to go what do you do. try to outstare the corner youve been backed into? close your eyes and imagine a world which ceases to exist? confront the entity which pushes you this far in the first place? sometimes i think these were meant to be spontaneous reactions, whiplash sort of thing. and who would stop to realize that they do not in fact linger over short periods of time, but extend over years before budding signs of destruction. ja.. i know not what i am babbling about. i have been dreaming extensively, what about i have close to no clue. the strangest thing is i am able to make decisions and continue from where i left off when i stirred in my sleep then resumed my slumber. perhaps i miss watching the sunrise. im not interested in any of the things i usually pay attention to. the pirated vcd industry was never more unappealing to me. how the hell can i bring myself to say that o_0 'tis pathetic to say i am thoroughly bored with everything. the place im in, the people i put up with and being so damn close to the equator. i forgot to mention i spent the earlier hours of the morning reading aloud those poems in the book alices adventures in wonderland & through the looking-glass. they can be quite amusing and its odd to imagine where the author got the necessary inspiration or was just so capable of making up things that would indeed require much thinking outside the box. the pot smoking caterpillar. the perverted cheshire puss. the mad hatter, the march hare and the dormouse. playing croquet with a flamingo as a mallet. the mock turtle and the gryphon. the walrus and the carpenter with their trail of gullible oysters. not forgetting the white rabbit who lured us all to the start of the bogus journey comprised of surreality. 
"Beautiful Soup, so rich and green, Waiting in a hot tureen! Who for such dainties would not stoop? Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup! Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup! Beau-ootiful Soo-oop! Beau-ootiful Soo-oop! Soo-oop of the e-e-evening, Beautiful, beautiful Soup!" "Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish, Game, or any other dish? Who would not give all else for two p ennyworth only of beautiful Soup? Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup? Beau-ootiful Soo-oop! Beau-ootiful Soo-oop! Soo-oop of the e-e-ening, Beautiful, beauti-FUL SOUP!" - Turtle Soup, sung by the Mock Turtle - yes that was ridiculous. me singing it, not to be missed.. i love soup. but note the line that ends with 'two p' and if you had even the smallest of miniature poets in thy heart, perhaps it might strikest thou as.. ah you know it already. too minor for cause of celebration, but never too much for an acknowledging smile. it helps immensely to be knowledgable in fairy tales while watching the 10th kingdom. i find it weird my classmate does not know the humpty dumpty nursery rhyme. id also like to meet the joker who started making us all see h.d. as an egg. at least i know some 'rasa sayang, liang zhe lau foo' sing-songy things. but please do ask if you dont know humpty dumpty sat on a wall. .: 3:28:00 AM :. .: Montag, November 25 :. "i dont think she will ever get a boyfriend." some of the first words to greet me in the morning after a psychotic trip in dreamland. i wasnt supposed to hear those cruel words, but curse my unconscious eavesdropping, i did. loud and clear. it shot thru my head like bullet, ripped a wider wound in my chest, i would very well have chosen to break down and wallow in this neverending self-pity.. but i had obliged to carve a steak with my demigod. he suggested it after i mentioned my iron deficiency. he also stands up for me when i least expect it and snapped at the little person responsible for uttering those shards of ill luck. my faded sneakers are already fit for recycling and have no tolerance for being treated as a stepping stone to keep pampered feet from having contact with concrete floors of unknown cleanliness. i secretly curse them in return, the people who make ignorant remarks upon me, like i am one who laughs it off and forgets by tomorrow. deep down inside i make a silent wish that they would experience how it feels and not just how it is to be in my situation and have people with shit for brains (not unlike themselves) make crude comments, rubbing salt into those wounds. how delightful. in some sick stupidity, they actually think theyre being nice and helpful, caring even *gasp* as though i brought it on myself intentionally and require the assistance of you-who-know-nothing-about-my-plight to right my wrongs. omf.. why were human beings given such diversity in personality, only to make unbearable the lives of people with growing polarities. i know im not role model quality. neither will i ever become trophy material. perhaps i do not quite express my misery enough, since i receive much additional dampening of spirits. *sigh* i dread the coming february. all of a sudden time has turned against me and i find myself worrying about so many things i should not even be thinking about at this age. but looking at these mirrors of youth do nothing but lead me to reminiscence about past misgivings. the things i miss and missed, what i gave away without taking back. totalling up to a priceless loss im not likely to ever be able to let go. someone has to pay for all this. im not particularly good with vengeance.. but hatred that dissolves into loathing i can handle. even so what has been torn to shreds cannot be sewn back to its original smooth flawlessness, there are the stitches that go criss-crossing all over each ribbon and there is the bits and pieces of stuffing that fall out between the gaps. soon that which was once full will turn into an empty vessel, and i know those are the ones which make the most noise. .: 11:53:00 PM :. the garden is attracting butterflies, which is a lovely accessory to the already flourishing eyeful. my head swam the entire duration of my sleep, the liquid keeping my greymatter in its protected floating state sloshing wildly. the little elements which bother me so began to bob hazardously upon the surface, submerging and trashing to get back up for a breath of air. it was no mystery why i had such trouble going to sleep, while i was not comfortable outside.. it was doubly worse inside. perhaps it was the sour milk i drank yesterday, a short excerpt from the sailor-boy's tale by karen blixen: "... you have drunk down a little wisdom, so that in the future all your thoughts shall not fall like rain drops into the salt sea." - Sunniva - just when i am feeling neutral about my esteem and all that, i have some uneducated person -not an insult but literally true- tell me what she thinks about the way i look. i suppose i should appreciate the blunt honesty and just swallow it but damn its hard. the good news is the way i see myself is not exaggerated and im basically standing here with both feet on the ground, not imagining that im someone im not. the bad news is i was secretly hoping i just put myself down a lot and its not true, im better than what i believe, but thats the actual untruth. *sigh* a lot of times i stoop to the overused question 'why me' then shake it off like a dog tries to rid itself of fleas. futile. not possible. someone douse me with pesticide. wear a flea collar around my neck. take me to the vet and put me to sleep. .: 12:15:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, November 24 :. ive made a habit of coming to in the afternoon, approximately at lunch time. fortunately the newly made-over garden was still in full bloom, what a marvelous sight it was. nothing quite awes me as thoroughly as nature does, i could spend the rest of my life just soaking in the gorgeousness of it all. as juin had commented on the sunset view from my living room, it would be a good idea to take a photo of it daily to compile a 365 collection. a year of sunsets. yes its so typical to wish for a digital camera nowadays but argh i dont care im going to get one by end of next month. till then if youd be so nice as to want to donate some money to my fund, ill send you some special pictures for the kind gesture. funny but i meant it. i also seriously contemplated on requesting for a spot on the plant journals thingie, to write about -d'oh- these sweet growing lifeforms that assist us with an amply supply of oxygen to keep our polluted hearts pumping. i cant because i dont know what these plants names are or how to locate their scientific families or what soil was used in what porportions etc. i do know however that ive always loved them and always will. the vibrant colours from fragrant petals upturned and basking in the rays of the sun, furry roots extending in all directions underwater while tiny guppies dart nervously thru the murky water; chlorophyl blossoming in the form of light mossy coloured leaves arranged in a pattern somewhat like the common cabbage, yet not; a green grasshopper mistaken for part of the sprouting shoots at the top of a plant by careless glance, mushrooming leaves emerging from cool calm waters probably predecessors to the umbrella, cascading growths like a waterfall of green paused in motion beginning at the mouth of spherical seashells with mottled brown-white skins. no im not in a nursery or a fancy green house -what id give to have one!- but all this is right out front with my creamy bundle of wool. shes obedient enough to refrain from eating them. i could easily believe im in heaven with just that. a playstation2 decided to stayover for a week. i dont think ive even been near the original ps. technology kicks ass. i wont deny i was impressed with the animation and simulation, a vibrating analog controller.. whos ingenious idea was that? i sense an overwhelming dose of boredom approaching, seeing as how made no attempt to get out and socialize, despite the smses and calls i have missed with these unkeen ears. how i long for those contented days of mindless relaxation, when one thought less about much, had nothing much to fret and even less to wonder of. .: 6:43:00 AM :. .: Samstag, November 23 :. after a huge dinner last night, something about the impending solitude urged me to sneak up to the top floor of the male hostel block; with my snakes in abandon.. it was quite an exhilirating experience. that and the fact i dont have the stamina to climb 8 flights of stairs. on the way to visit jon who didnt join us for our meal, steven gave a grand announcement of my being there at blurs room, and as expected.. he started making a lot of chaotic noise about the presence of me. i kept trying to hide beside juin, it was a dead giveaway with my long hair and uhm.. other things.. i managed to get to jons room and knocked politely before banging on it then squatting by the side. eventually he came to unlock the door and was surprised. i think. blur took a break from his malaysian studies and dropped by as well.. orgy la konon, the 6 of us crammed in that stuffy room. my first hands on experience with a orangey yellow lava lamp. as jon started preparing some herbal for us, there was plenty of reds to go around. stevens maya work looked excellent, jons fyp was no less great as well. he showed me some photos of his previous work, logo designing and charcoal art, self portraits of him, once upon a time he was a pretty boy. lol. steven started jamming on his electric guitar, the dude plays almost effortlessly and complains he sucks. he composed a song recently. he played it and i liked it, asked him whats the title going to be. ive always wanted a song called my name, which of course isnt going to happen in this life, but i suggested it anyway and it brought a plague of laughter, jon labelled it a kow lui song.. which he used to play himself before changing to electronika. it was a bad idea to request that his first song be named after me, really oughta think before saying things. i could always blame the influence of intoxication. the lights were off all this while, when they were turn back on, the room was filled with smoke :) yet we did not suffocate and die. here i was with people i have no complains about being with. then it was time to go and i left. im a peace loving creature. getting into disagreements doesnt put me at ease. somehow my pulse goes crazy and my conscience screams. in the end i dont know what i want. everything is too distracting. hour after hour i concentrated on finishing what i started and by the time it was dawn, i was still not done. itd be too tedious to describe everything down to serendipity and advice, the fluffy white tiger cub, yuk of micropets, orange crisps, the horrible thoughts i had after bumping into the two girls who live in my neighbourhood, scrumptious pig stomache in soup and pork ribs in special sauce. the day pretty much ended with the conversation that went; "i wonder if i didnt continue studying and started work instead, would i be married by now?" the answer: "got people want you meh?" .: 5:24:00 AM :. .: Freitag, November 22 :. The art of love . . . is largely the art of persistence.
- Albert Ellis - it would be nice if i could swim.. break the surface of a new atmosphere. sitting by the pool enjoying these numbing effects with each breath i take. everything looks so nice. the blue sky with pieces of cloud here and there.. speckled with swallows winging their way thru the air gracefully, framed by the skyscrapers. landscape architecture with a wide variety of green, lush and alive.. so different yet the same. fair smooth skin with beads of chlorinated water dripping down slender bodies. tanned figures with muscular form and interesting bone structure. how would it feel to find myself floating in the middle of a vast ocean surrounded by nothing but sea and sky. let the waves take me where they wish without once questioning their motives or destination. to be happily lost. i feel sick now. in the confinement of a cell, i watch my sole surviving tiger barb dash insanely at each of the four corners.. wanting out. who am i to assume its misery will end all too soon. who am i to stop living this life which is not my own. let it be. the running course of time will eventually lead me to my turn at the head of the line. will i change my mind then.. i know not what tomorrow holds. but today and yesterday, and the day before that.. it was all bad. maybe not the worse but still it was bad. most people i know in flesh and blood do not write. this is after all a time consuming activity and although it might not be just to say people that do write lead less exciting lives, mine is a far cry from anything deemed life. as a matter of fact i believe, have believed for some time now.. that this person i call me would be much better off in death. but it drags on, this sadistic existence. it persists because of love. .: 2:38:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, November 21 :. Dasein. that sounds like a protein somewhere along the biochemical internal workings of our frail physical bodies, but it isnt. i read it in one of the numerous lecture notes in digital format, a few hours before my philosophy exam. i cant say i aced it but it sure beat the gruelling two hours i spent trying to answer the previous exam paper. at least i dont feel that stupid now.. the simplest things could mean so much. and yet that is whats missing. my jar of mayonaise slipped from my butterfingers and shattered. just like that, a mere foot off the ground and it reacted as though i flung it upon the tiled kitchen floor. i still havent bothered to clean the mess i created from a pure idle moment, the fine slivers hiding in the in-betweens.. waiting for their chance to hurt someone. already hurting me. im suffering from a chronic bodily pain all over, mustve been the time i spent dozing off on someone elses parquet floor as the sun climbed higher into the sky. it shouldnt feel this way.. its not like i went through a complete exercise workout. right now i cant lie down without wincing. or get up or sit still. itd be so comforting if it was the opposite inside but its not. everything is discombobulated. it would actually be rather satisfying to say i got some, that things went bump in the night, the sheets got stained.. whatever. but i cant say that because it didnt happen. just like reading what is expressed by the sentimental new age guy.. about love and its temporal quality, or is it spatial.. i would not know. of course only the exceptional few are wise enough to concentrate on the good and ignore the bad. im not one of them. i never stick around long enough to consider any real achievement. it would seem i could not care less if i just quit half way and ditched any on-going commitments, well.. theyre not written in black and white. have i ever had a real commitment? the internet is just a disembodiment for fulfilling secret wishes. and even so, these desires may or may not be granted. the worse kind of longing is that which you can never see yourself quenching. the fact you could attend auditions and win the role, but never take the place of the original cast or perhaps get an offer to play another part because the protagonist is simply unbefitting for you.. so it turns out that youre not the brightest star in the night sky, not even a tenth of what the moon is. what do you do? accept this major flaw, live with the comparison and knowing that youre no match even if it is not said in your face. why do you keep things from me. i live in a rearview mirror. my present is the past. you left an indent on me. .: 6:59:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, November 20 :. it was a beautiful day. but i felt more ugly than usual. it rained yesterday and a ceramic pot contained more havoc than ive ever seen. three swimming caterpillars wrapped in what seemed like cocoons made of the tiny lily pads, those that were occupying the surface. bug and grub food. all of it. gone. they flail their spiky green ends in the water, i wonder if theyre drowning or steering their way around the territory. then there were tiny dark shelled snails, so light that if they were not firmly glued to the edges of leaf or pot, theyd float helplessly along, opening down.. their small feelers underwater. again i wonder if they work like goggles or does the water sting. i will never know the answer. i didnt come home that day. two white butterflies fluttering in an excited dance, is it meant to be that way or are their fragile powdery wings too weak to protest the course the wind has set with its influential gusts. theyre still pretty, but theyre not proud. good things dont come easy, theyre not free and have short lifespans. butterflies go through a lot to get to where and what they are. i wrote a poem entitled chrysalis about it years ago, naturally i made it rhyme because im too dense to write the deep, meaningful kind. i feel like ive been thru a lot. it still feels like im wading in nothing. thus going nowhere. i want to go into hibernation. the finals will be over soon. may i brood in peace then. the ends of my hissing reptiles attempted to shed their skin for something of a more attractive hue. someone explain to me how is colour 3d. after the tiresome process there wasnt even a slight hint of any change. raven black strands. they come off so easily. i picked at a scab on my arm and it bled so easily. how can my blood not taste of iron. i licked at my wound and it tasted of something i cant begin to identify, but not iron. do you know what happens when you run razor blades over the wrong places? i dreamt i was in a car. rotoscoping dream. illogical dimensions. never what they seem, never what you expect them to be. when an advantage presents itself, one takes it. softness cannot conquer hardened sin. i dare not ask. the rooms of your heart. should there really be more than one? how do we assign people to their chambers, do some go into closets for lack of significance.. what happens when a vacancy presents itself, does one hurriedly seek to fill the void. it is wrong. it is not fair. i dont see myself in any. im here when you need me. where do i go when im running away. i know i cant run to you. maybe i wore your patience to a thread... are you making up for lost time by tearing me apart. i dont deserve my own room. you know how it hurts. i see myself and i cant see you beside me. theres no reason to stay where i fell. theres no reason to move on and fall again either. everything is so steep now. the footholds just got less distinct, the way down seems way further and booby trapped. its an effortless experience to slip and lose oneself in personal oblivion. there are so many risks to it.. like never getting back out again. .: 6:09:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, November 19 :. Your past life diagnosis: ------------------------------------------------------------ I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modern USA South-Center around the year 750. Your profession was that of a entertainer, musician, poet or temple-dancer. ------------------------------------------------------------ Your brief psychological profile in your past life: You always liked to travel and to investigate. You could have been a detective or a spy. ------------------------------------------------------------ The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation: You should develop self-love and ability to implant hope into hearts of people. Ambition is not everything. True wealth is buried in your soul. ------------------------------------------------------------ Do you remember now? .: 1:29:00 PM :. .: Montag, November 18 :. There is also A-Buffer Rendering but I'm not sure what is that. yea i can see myself borderlining computer modelling and animation. what is it with me and writing confirmations of my lack of revision. normally we just get the past year papers and the exam is pretty much all that. unfortunately this time they changed it. completely. not even one old question came out. screwed. on a lighter note, i walked in the rain to and fro. got there late but found my exam slip waiting for me on my desk, its still a mystery how it got there. was it you cheryl? i thought it was steven but he handed me a crisp a4 sheet after the paper. hmm.. late hearty lunch with a bird on two sticks, i find out my closest friends are confessed procrastinating lethargists. go me. they still spare time to help me with my work though, love dude. so much for making resolutions.. and then brushing them aside because of my own lack of will power. they finally cut down all those 'wheat' stalk reed things and i snagged myself one on the way home. i dont know why it just made me feel like singing 'ive been working on the railroad' with the tall slender plant over my shoulder. i realized something about the diversity of human minds today. i would have made sartre proud. noone seems to be able to accept the fact some people are just utterly different from them, just because theyre not the same or abiding to your perspective doesnt make them any less respectable. why the judgemental shuns and crude jokes. would you question me if i wrote 'normally' without the confusing twist and turn of prawns hidden under rocks. you think my english is good because you dont understand what im trying to say? but if the meaning just stood and stared you in the face thats shallow? if you think i sound nice while talking on the phone in bed, i dont sound nice anyway else? heck with trying to figure it out. presets of our brain are impossible to divulge. some perfectly minute things should just be overlooked and let go. i wonder how many people stop by and think to themselves, thoughts about my colour scheme etc. do they automatically conclude it relates to me, that im some feminist with a soft spot for cute things. lol. does it really matter what this page looks like. i ask myself why i would consider to 'revamp' and change it to something of a more personal nature. whats wrong with things the way they are. do you long for drastic changes in your life that you think would be oh-so-cool from the way they seem on someone else. do you instinctively obey those tiny stop signs beside screennames that are supposed to mean 'do not disturb' and shit like that. do you knock on closed doors or try the handle first? could it be so bad to just live your life and let others live theirs.. co-exist once in a while. dont give me that crap about zero tolerance. here try and guess what this snazzy emoticon is. \m/ . ive got unexpected company. ciao. .: 4:14:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, November 17 :. Someone has somewhere commented on the fact that millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Susan Ertz - .: 1:08:00 AM :. .: Samstag, November 16 :. the return to innocence thinking id actually be able to sleep in my bed after neglecting it for so long, i was very much wrong. i thought id lock myself up in the bedroom and ignore my visitors at the door but they were persistent. hell why did they even ask if i want to continue sleeping if they step foot into my place and immediately get comfy. i had not even cleaned up the aftermath from model making.. after two hours and they finally left, without borrowing anything this time. peace and quiet. i made a mistake by coming online, its just so inevitable, almost as ritualistic as brushing my teeth before bed. joy messages me about going over to help him with his painting, i thought i would go right then so there wouldnt be the anticipation of work waiting throughout my slumber. anyway it was his turn to cook for the house and that means a free meal :) so i packed up some brushes and headed over to my university in the dead of the night, the things i do for other people.. going entirely out of my way. when i got there he treated me like a queen. bandur was there, messing with some electronic instruments.. they do so love creating digital music. i got on icq2go and received the unexpected bonus of getting a face to go with the voice of the cute ah beng. i did not have much to do while joy was busy in the kitchen, bandur started sketching the intended painting, acting like the monkey he is. eventually i got off the computer and started work with poster paints and long forgotten painting techniques, im a watercolour painter so paper got soggy fast. after some time i managed to get the hang of it, with joy giving me more than the already overwhelming attention he usually does, at first i took it as disapproval but it turned out to be supportive learning.. and leaning. against each other. it was a very manja affair indeed. soon enough the food was ready and breakfast was served, a simple chunky beef dish with white rice, makan only laa. not long after the whole house gathered in the living room and had summat a sahur ceremony, they sure talk a lot.. finishing up with a litre of milk and some sort of sing-song jest.. it was frustrating to not understand a word of what was being said. reds to aid digestion and a human bean bag, great bargain for the price of my work. the sky was still dark and i decided to wait for light before walking home. another mistake as icq2go provided some entertainment for bandur while i sprawled on his bed, monopolizing the pillows.. drifting off to the monotonous sounds of his keyboard and the uh-ohs of mirabilis chat software. hes a real sweetheart, didnt wake me up but resorted to sleeping on the edge until i stirred and/when i sorta smacked him on the head, moving over and giving him the bigger of the two pillows, unconsciousness resumed itself. this went on for hours, i kept waking up every now and then to determine where i was.. sometimes seeing a friendly face at the door with a greeting wave. it was all a blur, as i became a backrest when he was on the computer, there was plenty of space to sleep then, but.. hmm nevermind. roles reversed he apparently tried to turn me on by running fingers over my thighs, one could only imagine the dirtiest things by the way i am writing all this.. and if both of us were not already manja enough, joy came by and pounced on me. i thought he had a cigarette in his left hand and reached out only to have him hold my hand like im some little lost kid. i make such a big deal out of basic human interaction. i only have one ringgit. thus had to be spent. walking home using the shortcut, i noticed much freshly cut grass but the tall reeds with wheatstalk resembling heads still stood where they were.. it would be such a shame to see them fallen and drying. i couldnt replenish my finished black crayons for lack of money. my throat feels punctured at the back. i cant get the macguyver theme song out of my head. fresh out of the shower all clean and fragrant, theres no better time to bond with my bedmates and touch some bean curd a.k.a. moh tau fu. .: 2:31:00 AM :. .: Freitag, November 15 :. i love passing out in exhaustion. especially when its post-submissive. recap what happened in the last 24 hours? it was rather fun, excluding the bits when instead of just longing to go to bed i actually went right ahead and helped myself to some disturbing paranoia centered shut-eye. thats exactly what i want to do now but i decided against it because im expecting company. so recap i will. i wasted a lot of time. an incredible lot of time. doing what.. nothing much. i should learn to manage my time, equalize work and play. stop smoking for crying out loud. i find myself lounging on the balcony under dim noon sun, a surprisingly cool breeze keeping the surrounding air in motion, carrying the embers and ashes gently in its caress.. i have but over an hour to complete my model. noone can help me if i dont help myself. the mind is a constant sea of emotions, waves of thought crashing on the beaches of your sanity.. slowly but surely eroding it little by little. how does asking for your phone number seem like im hitting on you? think what you will.. i seem to give out cookie cutter impressions, even to people of yins and yangs. i spoke to a cute ah beng. and i spoke to an anti-ah beng. i think hed kill me if i called him cute. but before both i gave andy a periodic sms to fulfill the preset requirement of our strange friendship. he was kind enough to call me back. im happy to say it wasnt hostile, he introduced the him and me culture.. after which i revealed something i shouldnt have, one must never show their weaknesses.. or even flaunt their strengths.. like a chameleon i enjoy blending in with what is around me, not people though. just the environment. he offered to make me coffee. cold pizza at 5am, aya-chan describes an animal which, "lives in the sea near the beach".. when your brain starts to meltdown, even simple words like 'jellyfish' are lost in all that grey matter. not many are willing to forfeit precious sleep to help someone like me get through the rainy hours pre-dawn, but she is one of them. its good to know there is help when i need it. armed with a kitchen gourmet scissors snipping violently at a sheet of perspeks, i was most unfortunate to experience the sensation of nipple clamps with the handles of two crossed pivoting blades. against my better judgement i went to sleep and woke up to go for a lecture which i continued to sleep through soundly, waking up only to recognize things like furry bears, table cloths, naked female anatomy and the attempt to clothe her. it was freezing cold and i was not interested. sean interests me though. i defrosted under the afternoon sun on the way home. i find myself lounging on the balcony with the very last of my nicotine supply between two fingers. the time came for emily to drive me and the forsaken fountain to school.. at least in the midst of all the hype over excellent work by my coursemates, there is always someone or something to lighten up the situation. there were workable fountains on display, clock towers, sound tubular and entire miniature parks, the sound tubular was a particularly interesting project because we could whisper to one another through aidils creation and the speech came out crystal clear over at the other end. i was waiting for a glue gun. then i settled for elephant glue and left the depressing studio. juin took two shots of my model all lighted up. maybe if i decide they look presentable enough youll get to know what it looks like. i was free and not tired because i slept enough throughout the time i should have used to boost my sketches and prepare an artists impression, i went back home with emily to wait for my mcdonalds. i stood on a plastic chair leaning over the balcony 9 storeys high and i dont know why it scared maggie, rachel.. sounds like an episode of friends, eh? i find myself relishing in these housemate-y moments, living alone is nice to some extent. you get to hang over the balcony as you like and noone would say a thing. i was perfectly comfortable that way, looking at the swimmers doing their laps in the azure pool.. wolf whistling at juin to get his attention hehe, which i eventually managed to and had him beckoning me to go down there. i didnt go. i liked it too much looking down on the world. .: 4:14:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, November 13 :. hello, selamat pagi. listen.. you go to the bus stop and take the bus, jun is sleeping and not answering the phone. hello jun? yaya im coming now. *one stick and milo later* Halo. Mana you? *reply sms, accidentally cut off call* come down now were at the guardhouse. aite. *cheryl and jun talk* where to drop you off? silence. *maniacal laughter.* shut up. IOI mall bus stop there. okay tambang rm25. serious? nah for petrol. *hands over rm10* bubye and thanks. *spaces out at bus stop looking at longkang river while ignoring poseur light smoker.* if i had a lighter id whip out my cigs and show the bitch. *perks* hello taxi dah sampai nak pergi mana? hehe i have no idea. didnt even notice your car. only slept 15 minutes. wow your seats are comfy. you can sleep on the way back. nah. *drives to win's, the mom & pop shop.* omg look its a gothic playground. lol its cool.. really looks like a mall. *parks car on yellow line* what do you need? i dont know. :P do they have binding and a3 plastic covers? yea. cool. *collects material at random according to mystery checklist* it dries really slow. shit. unless you have a hairdryer.. got. or you can squeeze it out and let it.. dry? so it wont take so long to dry? yea. you need two bottles, it runs out really fast. trust me you dont want to run out of pva glue at 3am like me. err okay.. *continues completing checklist* i smell pork. thats fried chicken. *duh* oh shit the people in blue are here. i have to repark my car. go tell the auntie to count. *obeys* shes really busy. not this one. i know.. shes really busy. *gathers stuff outside shop and tries to pay for it* oi uncle kai sou ar. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 right? *goes to tekan calculator* rm90. *wtf.* do you want a bill? sure why not. put the stuff in the car then we go eat ok? the perspeks cost 48 bucks. whats the time? 5 minutes to 12. wow we moved fast. *orders, smokes, eat while talking about too many things. like penang people. smirks.* so where do you want to go now? hmm i wanna see limkokwing *grins* okay but you need an id card. smartcard? *blablabla leaves for lict, meet damn dirty apes band member on the way* she knows a member from principles of peal. eh dont say that hell get pissed at me for telling everyone i know him when i dont really know him argh. i saw you at the cyberia gig. do you live on campus? yea. err.. no i live at the cyberia condos. ah the apartments.. condo. bye. bye. hes malay right? no chinese *name i dont remember* someone told me hes malay.. *argue with guards to let me into lict. sit down to sign 'guestbook', keywords 'registry' & 'check'. tour. colin has a fetish for pin up notices.* its still early. anyone you want to meet up with? wanna go to a shopping mall? dude you should know by now im antisocial. i know youre antisocial but maybe you want to see some life. i already saw damn lot of life in lict. lets call rajiv. up to you laa.. hey wake up im coming to your place in five minutes. ass. im with . remember . rajiv! *no positive sign of remembrance* ass. *heading for jalan gasing while bearing with annoying squeaking of styrofoam* cant you talk and look in the rear view mirror at the same time. cannot. ishk learn how to multitask. the last time i multitasked i had an accident. ooh what were you doing aye, looking at leng lui? yea exactly. lol. you have no idea where we are do you? nope not at all. this is ss2. whatever laa, im never gonna make it as a driver. youre the one who said you like sitting in the passenger seat etc. since when did i tell you that? i read your blog. i wrote that so long ago! cannot read your archives is it. geez. message raji and tell him to come down now. okay *struggles with high tech nokia phone* your phone looks like a dildo. yea a flat one, haha. whats with frodos sword. its so long. no its not, look at the length of the handle. its still long. *rajiv enters backseat* she said she only remembers you painting birds. yea yknow for spm? oh yea.. *colin and raji talk* mr.lee used to ask what are the saddest words in the world remember that? nope. the answer is "if only" then he will go on and on.. raji what you want to eat? chinese food. where? anywhere you know the roads better than me. but i dont know eating places. *talks about homework and school* can i park here? your car will get clamped. but everyone is parking here. raji: they shouldn't clamp the cars, they should clamp the feet of the owners. colin: why? then the owners cant go pay the fine. raji: even better! *sits in chinese restaurant, orders drinks* chinese ice lemon tea? no laa normal chinese iced tea. *lights reds* arent you going to order your food? we ate already. what?!? told you just now in the car. grrr. *drinks arrive* can you please open for me? my nails used to be.. this.. long. *colin shows fingers* omg what happened to ur nails. *does biting action* theyve always been like that. *bitch about blogging prickasaurous and pasta, and yes penang again.* he didnt even mention why he was pissed off at his neighbour. wait goodboy is it? got hentai chick on black background? yea it had some manga girl lying down. eh he did mention, his neighbour plays piano damn cacat, worse than a kid. thats why. maybe i missed it, i speed read. man this chicken rice sucks. yknow what? rajiv should start a blog. it would be hilarious. one sentence post: i ate chicken rice today and it sucked. *lol* hey what fruit is that? where? on the tree. i think its mango maybe. but its red. mangos arent red. peaches? maybe genetically engineered mangos are red. rambutans minus the hair? hahahaha.. mangotan. why not rambugo? it sounds like a name, hi my name is mangotan. mangotan, rambugoto.. haha japanese name! *flicks cig butt at gas tank* *boom* the water creates suction see? *attempts to balance coke can* maybe you should take off the ring. *takes off ring* why isnt it sticking.. here let me try *first time miracle, can falls over* wow. redirect for text continuation. *pours out chilli sauce, balances plastic sauce dish by pining it down with coke can* we killed two birds with one stone. tell that to the person who balanced one coke can. *fast forward to after "it's raining how stupid","obsessive repulsive cat shaving", "the moon is made of swiss cheese" and we arrive at top ten* *waiting for car to pass so can park, car ends up parking in intended spot* bastard! *reverse and park alongside* i really need to use the toilet. you go in ill have a quick fag outside. *direct cantonese translation of dialogue between shop assistant and me* if only sell the plastic light cover how much? rm14 only. do you have battery operated light bulb? dont have such thing. how about electrical outlet plug in one? got. can make one for me? i doing project i just want the lightbulb with plug. the plastic cover not a cylinder. yea i know i got at home. this kind of bulb holder can? got smaller one ar? *he searches* can i borrow your toilet? sure. *relieved* want to use the toilet? hehe we drank a lot of water today.. this one can? can. perfect. you want the wire how long? *after much hesitation* 2 meters la. *while waiting for lighbulb holder, colin talks about drawing manga on jeans* finish liao. how much is it? rm18. can test the lightbulb holder? can.. you want the bulb also. want. *packs up purchases* extra rm1. thank you. *outside it is raining cats and dogs* have a quick fag then we go. okay. *styrofoam next to rubbish dump looks appealing* i want that. take la. theres some sorta yucky tissue in it. *analyzes the styrofoam* its hollow. got holes some more. i want to go in and ask if they have nice one. *flicking ashes over each others shoes* *went in, asked, disappointed, settled for holes* shit the rain is so heavy. run for it la what to do. i have to open the door. cant you teet teet it? *runs and gets into car* i think ill go buy some munchies at mcdonalds. good you should eat more. nuggets and french fries. yes eat more french fries. its raining how to go down. they have drive thru. got meh. got. eh how to go in la.. there, follow the M. *deserted drive thru counter* screw it. where you going? i said screw it. but you need the food dude. *accident just happen, calculating amount of petrol left* do you want to reach home in 15 or 30 minutes? 15! *rain pours* thought you going to speed. if i do 200mph my car is going to fly. hurhurhur. *went in a futile search for brand new lict campus, saw everything there is to see in cyberjaya. my memory is dehydrated.* okiday. okay dude. youre going to sleep right? ill see you online later. yea bubye. bye. thanks for everything. .: 3:09:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, November 12 :. "tell me, tell me if you could, how many fishes grow in the wood?" "i'll tell you, if you tell me, how many strawberries swim in the sea?" an enlightening philosophical morning as usual, the few hours of sleep didnt seem to make a zombie out of me as the basic theories of deconstruction were unravelled before my eyes and ears. i was fed the idea of madness, evolving from divine intervention > manifestation of evil > mental illness > there is no such thing as madness, you can be cured and reincorporated into society. major stereotyping at work there. linguists like jacques derrida think it is important to take apart text and put it back together to discover the real meaning, but what does meaning mean? writing assumes its own form, a truth beyond what the author intended. ambiguity. i would love to think i write that way. it is believed this is what makes a good designer:- dont give him what he wants, dont give him what he needs.. give him what he never dreamed of having. that probably applies to many other things like relationships i suppose. sadi asked me about my dream guy. the answers i gave concluded he is pretty much a bimbo if not gay. i thought quite hard about it, and i really cant think of any petty preferences i would consider as 'requirements'. especially if my creators are not involved. my first love letter was written in a frenzy of heartbreak and tears, on a single lined exercise book center page, the kind we use in government schools here and i still have it with me. i forgot to mention the melodramatic event of roe getting married to a horny bodacious italian female. fixed marriage. my reaction was typically modernistic, wtf they still have that kinda thing going on now? or the fact he has an adopted blonde son. oh well. i have a 200 word essay concerning my belief of love due next year. aint that weird. we are conspiring to launch a newsletter issue with a borderline love/hate theme before the coming v day. knowing us, we just might not be able to get it done by then o_0 back to derrida and professor woods, i went up to the front to try save a copy of his notes, failing because he left no trace of it, juin appears out of nowhere behind me and calls me by name. then the strangely simpson character lookalike a.k.a new father a.k.a person determining my 60% existentialism essay echoes my name and looks at me with a weird smile, "oh so youre ..." holy shit. my half dead brain jump started and immediately began cursing juin for giving me away. and the educator echoes the same words again. how can i not think something odd is at work here. i should have refrained from mailing him stupid questions about the assignment. its like say my name day. i go walking around on campus innocently not even noticing the people who pass me by and i hear my name, i dont even know the guy who greeted mes name. hey you :P this continues throughout the rest of the day. including the repetitive chanting of my badly mispronounced name at the bangladesh hq, where i was sweetly referred to as apu, which means sister, by someones brother. aww. i am just so not good with names. they had just returned from shopping and damn it was a laughable affair. like children opening presents on boxing day. of course i did not exactly welcome being prodded with an umbrella and having my hair played with while trying desperately to concentrate on drawing my animation storyboard and breathing nicotine to iron out the crumpled fabric of my procrastinating sanity. its asinine the things i go through to borrow a scanner. then by the time i reached home i was freaked about how little time there is left for me to complete over a months amount of work, i am feeling truly blessed to have spur of the moment people i can rely on. firstly i have fairuz and rommel doing field research for me because my bloody browser takes an hour to load anything. then i have reaper telling me rteaper died a grisly accident while wanking *sob* yea thats irrelevant so what. for shopping later today, [fade] so generously agreed to drive me around AND back home which is in a galaxy far far away according to him ;) the mission begins at 8am which i managed to secure another transporting favour thanks to jun and cheryl. why am i such a pest? because i have no car and no bus tickets. and oh yea did i mention this ridiculous broadband that lags and couldnt beat the speed of a 56k modem. that too. *giggles* im a spoilt brat. you people make my construction all worthwhile. lotsa love. .: 8:36:00 AM :. .: Montag, November 11 :. so the rain stopped and all the world was a wet splendour, i set out without thinking, choosing the shortcut knowing in the back of my head it would lead to disaster. the deceiving tranquility of tiny rivers racing their way to shallow pools, i cautiously -do not know why- placed my right foot on what seemed like solid ground only to have it squelch into a dent by my weight. great i had one foot covered in construction tanah liat, scrambling over the site as fast as i could to avoid further mishaps i came upon a puddle right in front of the small hillside i had to climb. since i already had one foot caked with mud, i waded through it to clean myself off. how convenient eh. thanks to that i arrived at the bazar ramadhan with considerably soaked feet, to meet up with the roommates who had planted an ikan kembong in cinema two at mines. i ended up eating a from a malay stall with a lot of malay dudes, which was err weird.. felt like i was part of the whole break fasting hype. lead of swa was there, afro man said possibly the sexiest hi i have ever heard *lol* pretty eyes and the rest of the interface design team were also present. i was completely a sore thumb. then they departed, i couldnt help but notice blur was on his cell, the very thing he used to condemn when he did not have one. we evolve. i left a pack of dunhill and headed over to sadis place to get my .wav file done on sound forge 6.0, since he wouldnt have it any other way the picky version downloader. brahms lullaby is nice. he gets a hygiene vibe and shoos me out of his room so he can clean it up, so i seek refuge at joys while puffing on reds, yes im hopeless i gave in to the temptation.. flipping thru a 2k tone mag ooh look the Quill was an anticipated movie then, and whips were in whilst chains were out. somewhere along the timeline muuji drops by and accuses me of having had an orgasm (?). i countered by calling him afterglow and he started acting like a bloody lightbulb. wtf is wrong with these people. i tried to ignore them and concentrated on the pc instead, then he start tickling my previously puddled sole. i shrunk away and he sneaks up behind me and starts a full scale tickle war. shit. his answer to whats his problem? we have a ticklish teddybear. omfg. i ended up beating the shit outta him. heh no la. but he was the one who backed off and ran away. what followed should probably be censored for the sake of my leftover reputation. he spilt sprite on sadis bed which happened to be a comforter on the floor, thats all, and all hell broke loose. sadi ended up locking us up in the room while i continued to blacken my recovering lungs for lack of anything better to do, he played some newly downloaded maya tutorials. many are opting to extend another year at university to take it slow and lessen the burden of our pre-packaged education system. i wonder if i should too, dont think im going to fare too well continuing the nothingness i enjoy each day. i cant sleep and my head is killing me. sigh. .: 4:29:00 PM :. the state of my heart was written in the skies. i did not come up with that, joe did. the least i can do is acknowledge who thought it up.. my own brain is very much dead. just as i was finally about to step out of my hole, the clouds burst in a cleansing shower of rain. heavy fat drops of rain. what the hell am i supposed to make of that. at first i figured okay time to test those brand new umbrellas i have. i dont know why i even have more than one, holding an umbrella and walking with it makes me feel awkward. like im one of those walking mushrooms in mario brothers. something like that. heck not like im so normal just walking on my own minus the anti-damp protection. but then it really starts pouring, youd think there are some frogs falling from the sky as well. even if i had an umbrella my bottom half would probably be soaked with puddle water raindrop splashes wutchamacallem.. and as i am halfway through typing this the torrential tempest stops and ceases to a trickle, the sky which was a bleak grayscale with hints of aubergine transformed with a small peek from the evening sun. he gets bolder and now in all the grandeur of his wake, a fluorescent orange above scrawny treetops, leaving the lovely print of their silhouettes on the warm musky sky. the vivid outline of mountains ranging in depth of field, making their colours differ in a swatch or two. swatch or tint.. i dont know. the sun seems to boil, the orange becomes deeper and almost a glowing red. my eyes are partially blind now with sunspots or whatever those things are called. what was i thinking when i looked you in the eye. .: 2:51:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, November 10 :. hottie got a new girlfriend. hmm :) i envy him. he doesnt talk to me like he used to, then again he isnt anything like he used to be. sad, insecure, internet addict.. born a day later than me, we called each other soulmates for fun. it sort of pissed his ex-gf off though. the green eyed monster can be dangerous when it makes appearances between couples. well okay so i had and still have all those forementioned characteristics. but its great to see someone of that nature move on so rapidly but still play neopets every day. *laughs* hes busy with life, school and the missus now. the priorities have taken a change for the better. there is still a minor level of discomfort between us, thats the worse thing about getting into petty arguments and taking each other for granted. he tells me how much he misses switch-a-roo, geez i had almost forgotten that game even existed until he brought it up again. that was a multiple account holders goldmine. cold hard cash every 24 hours, the easy way out to extravangant spending habits. thats probably the only time i ever obsess about shopping - on neopets. this is all besides the point. hottie is a nice guy. im glad things turned out great for him. hes happy now. i hope to follow suit sometime soon -riiiiight.- its almost unbelievable that hes broken out of the tight ball he curled himself up in.. the death threats. the lack of money. the mishaps between friends, the kind of friends you rely on because you were fooled into thinking there is noone else you could go to for companionship. he is beginning to remind me of someone. im damn proud of who hes grown into. he proved himself wrong. thinking back a year or so.. his first girlfriends words are still etched in my mind. she was heartbroken over their break up and i assumed the usual procedure of trying to distract her with my own sob story, and she taught me something i dont think i will ever forget. although i cannot recall her exact words, it went something like this:- "i know what i have been through is nothing compared to others but even so nobody seems to realize how badly it hurt me." okay maybe the interpretation here would lean to narcissism, but she was dead right. my problems are mine and they killed me. why is it so hard to understand other people can feel the same way too. okay so im still adapting to being kind instead of judgemental towards crying hearts.. maybe its just a tinge of jealousy that they could release their worries so easily while mine have probably developed into toxic waste, considering the duration of time it has been kept tightly corked and shaken occasionally to maintain an equal density in the liquid. i still cant talk about what bothers me. i dont have or perhaps am not willing to share the answer to why im emo. i was saved from the past weeks breakdown by watching the rest of the world come apart. i truly thrive on the misery of others. its my happy pill. parallel to weed, its hard to get and noone will give it to you without a price. at the end of the day, i think im just relieved people are not as benevolent as they let on. my strength is worn. i yearn to be picked up and told sweet words (read: lies) that melt the soul into a puddle of sticky butterscotch. .: 4:46:00 AM :. .: Samstag, November 9 :. raging with opinion, passionate to a fault. free speech and the abusive mind. there were so many things i had wanted to put into writing, particularly good writing if i do claim so myself.. could it be the fatigue that washed it all away. or could it be the strengthening non-conformist and the fact im in a way undergoing some special mentality disorder training, thinking outside the milk carton.. away from the live cultures and harmless bacteria which dairy lovers so enjoy indulging in. vitagen is good. i remember back in primary school we would get those small slips to fill out how many bottles of which flavoured vitagen we want. i miss that. and the milo truck. ah that.. children could never stay patiently in a line to get their small paper cups, with the absence of teachers they would have just flocked around the serving window and.. well.. flocked. All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
- Fran Lebowitz - i like pretty packages and so does everyone else. but lets not be shallow and oblivious to what we are inside shall we? sure i want to lose some weight, have advertisment 'feng-tao' hair, have some of the guys that interest me be interested in me as well, stuff like that.. blame it on upbringing, blame it on the media. blame it on taking sides and naturally giving in to the hypocrites we all really are. more importantly, learn to take the blame on yourself. after the past day, ive come to a conclusion that its practically impossible for anyone to get under your skin as long as you have come to terms with who you are. really are, inside out. discard the denial, the poseurisms, the delusions. as long as you savour any of these self-destructive qualities, you have proudly presented an opening into the place that has you all tied up in knots.. the most vulnerable fibre of your being that most likely, as strategists would know, will end up being target practice. raewbyddet: can i go out and play wif the other cats? lol mongmong: no raewbyddet: why *pout* raewbyddet: i want to intro bangbus to em maa.. mongmong: cos i dun wan u getting hurt (aww) here is a personal statement. i hate cats. i cant quite explain why i tend to roleplay as one but hmm fullstop. if cats and dogs can get together why the heck cant cats and cats. theres always been significants kittys in my life, i feel disgusted that i even made them worth mentioning here. i remember how it felt to have roe threaten to skin any cat who tried to scratch me. ah to be spoilt rotten again. why do they say 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' when it is the opposite that becomes truth. does something sear inside when things are stated all too unfavourable in your point of view, and then to have felt that and be insulted by it.. soon afterwards would you be able to accept these two words: constructive criticism. why go all out to bang yourself up, pretend youre in a verbal dodgem (wow thats difficult), those things are supposed to be fun arent they? you just go around crashing into everyone recklessly and once its over there are no damages to pay for or consequences to face. hmm.. the storm seems to have blown over after a little rain. *yawns* geez ive bored myself. let see.. moral & ethics, media law, the usual interface-y stuff. i cant believe ive registered for deutsche level one. ich komme wieder. .: 1:46:00 AM :. .: Freitag, November 8 :. nocpleasure (02:51:37 AM): they always ask people to understand them but they never understand why people refused to understand them they forbit people from eating pork but they put beef in the curry-puff you can not blame them because they have already apologized you can not complain because this is the price u have to pay. for independance. in all its "edited" glory on a friday morning, translated from the original chinese version by sven. i dont know why he requested to have it posted here with a hush-hush smiley :-$. i hope this does not launch a racist controversy, although not a true supporter of racial harmony, prevention has always been known to be better than the cure. a little tolerance goes a long way. the lou mou boy had suggested we go out to town during the weekend. i wonder if its still on. i need to get some stuff. oh did i not tell you the surface broke and is still breaking. the splashes of abandoned senses come pouring. ripples are such pretty things when they come across one another and merge. my days are halved with my haywired biological clock. tick tock. argh i just had to succumb to rhyming that. making do with whatever we have isnt alien.. when you dont put in any effort to achieve good results, you just learn to settle for less. a lot less. after all is said and done, i end up eating a couple of hours before the muslims break their fast with a few friends. seems theyre all lacking the normal dose of nicotine and words just fly. imagine if youre not sober when youre high, and youre not sober when youre not high.. thats just means youre a stoner alright. a long-winded topic concerning the moon comes up. what do we do with bodies after death. space. a close friend thinks i could pledge insanity. or rather she thinks i am going insane. ill drink to that but were all out of alcoholic liquid. her mother bought me chocolate. me the nerdy geek friend every mother wishes their kids hang out with. oh please. i take that back. standing in a square under the first signs of rain, while she breaks and lights a red. "things like this will never happen on the moon", he says. i dont know what he was referring to but hell, laughter is the best medicine. entering an elevator with three strangers, the male of the group stands by the control panel and one of the two girls tells him to keep the doors open for the someone approaching the lift. he refuses to hold the door open, giving the excuse that that someone will make it in time. i watch the doors close and catch a glimpse of the unfortunate person who thought whoever was in the elevator would have been considerate enough to.. yknow. the lift starts to ascend and the four of us know that someone did not make it after all. the guy chuckles and says something along the lines of, "oops too late." the girls burst into an obscene giggle while making some slightly degrading remarks. my own face brightened up with a smirk, i cannot quite explain why.. the humour of the situation perhaps. or that this was literally what is meant by having a door close on you. theres probably people laughing on the other side of that too. i dripped a drop of boiling water onto my left foot. i dont find it all that hard to understand why people do what they do with molten candle wax. "if i die or didnt make it tonight, then you have to know that somehow you are a good friend" he usually gets the last word, despite the fact it is seldom as comforting as that. it feels different talking to him after such a long time, actually talking good sense and him being agreeable instead of contradicting me. i have yet to get used to it. yet how interesting it would be to get inside his head for one day and see the world thru his eyes.. i think everything would be beautiful. somehow santa monica and the line "we could live beside the ocean" comes to mind. i think it is when you have faith in me that i move on. so i am not as independent as i wanted to be. there is no tertiary coloured sunset today, just a mellow blend of warmth and neutral. i think its picturesque anyway. .: 3:19:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, November 6 :. utopia - no place. a perfect world. we are scared of being different:- all want to be the same as long as it is perfect. Message Sent: I apologize for all the things i've done Now i'm underwater and i'm drowning Is it my turn to be the one to cry Isn't it amazing how some things completely turn around. Received 00:38:54: I'd die without you. it is past my bedtime. as he would say 'caught smoking a malboro light', i have to refrain from buying packs of 20 on the way to school. no theyre not for me. i also have to start considering some monetary gain from all the f.o.c. work i am doing. it aint fun, it aint beneficial.. i try to put some interest or find a reason why i am doing it and nothing comes to mind. eB and the nameless mashimaro get to spend all day in bed doing nothing, well nothing in front of me anyway.. although i occasionally find them in strange places. i want to be a soft toy. a black raven flew past me, gliding on outstretched wings. a few seconds later i pondered the ifs of it pecking one of my eyes out. i think everyone has wished to be a bird at least once in their lifetime.. or do i speak for myself. would you forsake your own happiness to see someone else smile. are you sacrificial enough to do that. well dont feel bad about it, hardly anyone is. my life is a radical illusion. it is incredibly stupid. i wonder why people tell me my strongest skill is in writing and then proceed to condemn it. i must be one of the few freaks who maintain constantly depressing and non-comprehensive writing, summat repetitive and thrown into a blender. and that would lead back to none other than what exactly am i doing what i do where i am supposedly receiving higher education. i stand by the window sill and observe how the street light iluminates leafy trees. think back when i had to draw perspectives and all the principles of pressure, thickness and visual understanding were necessary applications. id eat bread that is a week expired as long as there are no signs of fungi. it smells strange though. i sense flickers of contentment in knowing. ive come to accept i could never fit in with any of the groupies and the whole concept of belonging yet claiming individuality, achieving perfection is out of the question. things like these can be petrifying at times. gestalt is a therapy? if the body is a temple is the mind its sanctuary or ultimately the elements that destroy it? im still attempting to write you that e-mail that has no head nor tail. i wonder myself what i try to say. its way past my bedtime. .: 12:58:00 PM :. .: Dienstag, November 5 :. + reinforcing illusions. "Doomed to our own image, our own identity, our own 'look', and having become our own object of care, desire and suffering, we have grown indifferent to everything else. And secretly desperate at that indifference, and envious of every form of passion, originality or destiny. Any passion whatever is an affront to the general indifference." - Jean Baudrillard - .: 9:14:00 PM :. we are like the fox and the hound. i get to be the puny fox a.k.a. ted. how appropriate. name-wise. two and a half weeks of cleanliness and the herbal essences are running through my veins again. cold stillness occupies the air outside glass windows, fogging up with exhaled breaths of warmth.. embers burn with a dull glow, sparkling when given kisses. it is drizzling. my head feels bloated and heavy, eyelids even more so. i listen to the stories of neverending words lasting your human lifetime. upon scrolling too fast the quick flow of rigid letters running smooth like current in straight rivers, one could almost hear the whirring sound that ought to be accompanying it.. resulting in an unexpected outburst of laughter how vivid the meaning of that signboard for anti-trespassing for when we were children. how predictable what you say to me. a wooden cloth-peg stuck inside of maximus.. horizontal at that, i could feel the excruciating (cruci might hint crucification eh?) pain.. to help ease the insulting teases he is compensated with an insect and a lively fish. not so lively now. pity. think before i write. think. i remember you. times pass. its the past.  trying extensively to buy my way out of magical creations. hourly awakenings, drowsy reclination. the disturbing thoughts of divided fondness. wake up calls do not work anymore because i... ...am too uninterested to live up to life. i sleep till late to waste half the day. proposed ambitions of no devoted foundation. approving smiles courteous gratitude. bearing with malfunctioning connections on important devices. the fasting month, mirage_lullaby terrorizes my free thinking religion with false conversion. i have yet to eat. im in a refrigerator. the soft tugging on my hair to tilt my head upwards in hope to catch a glimpse of your face. retreating home with cautious footsteps discouraging self to slip in the damp softened earth. the sun sets. it rains. a sweet looking snail going about its business as i am mine. arriving to be informed of cancelled screenings, degrading to lesser means of entertainment. james and the giant peach. a yellow lomo. made in china. pictures taken with the yellow lomo. fascinating. clues to why having friends is a good thing. walking french fries. being stopped by im_not_blur having the short meaningful conversations which usually follow. he remembered about my darling bitchs portrait. im touched. one foot sinking into wet mud, caked when dry. contained urges to do regrettable things. have i lost you. no i musnt try to please everyone. its the tell-tale heart.. coming to a halt. change or delete, stop or continue. i think stick with it. see how it goes. something is wrong. something is missing. help me. or push my head under water and drown my lungs. i cannot breathe the water, cath. seufz. youre too hard for me.. perhaps im just too soft for you. five months it has been. unaware of how increasingly fragile the feelings turn.. like an unpreserved autumn leaf shattering beneath careless feet. radiating with a burning heat, it must be a great task for the sun. yesterday i felt those sharp stabs between some left ribs again. the soft pillows tempt me inviting some quality time to pat the bunny. tears rush to be spilled but the smooth surface of raw emotion remains unbroken. the ripples are getting bigger though. .: 9:58:00 AM :. .: Montag, November 4 :. they come and they go. its always the same thing, except maybe an odd one out. my thumb nail showed signs of distress, a slit forming along the fleshline. decided to clip them all off, since they will grow back anyway. i have a big problem with money and expenditure, as i have with everything else it would seem. my insignificance becomes overwhelming, ill be damned to think of myself as thoughtful, while all else appears thoughtless in what they choose to do. care not how it effects me. affects me. crying seems to be the only way out for everything conflicted within. how could one be understood if one makes no sense. my tag-board looks like the aftermath of plastic surgeons. a silicon rack of my virtual existence. this is how i bleed in binary. dealing with another one of my classic bouts of neurosis. however, this one is a little different from the rest, because is it isnt about how amores perros alone.. i have to depend on a sonnet to continue as my emotions are weaned of expression. the last two lines are invalid and unrelated to me, but i do not wish to ruin william shakespeare's work by changing it as i will. ...When to the session of sweet silent thought I summon up remembrance of things past, I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste: Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow, For precious friends hid in death¹s dateless night, And weep afresh love's long since cancelled woe, And moan the expense of many a vanish¹d sight: Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, Which I new pay as if not paid before. But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, All losses are restored and sorrows end. hmm.. ive got a tub of paddle pop rainbow ice-cream, a bag of hersheys cookies n cream nuggets, one third of a honeydew melon, arnotts good time teddy chocochip cookies, kiwi yoghurt, homemade fruitcake, tomato flavoured potato chips, leftovers from lunch, over a dozen eggs, a half full jar of mayonaise and some new indoor plant additions. still have hours of unseen movies and days of unfinished work. how do you handle the declination of former inclinations. how to fix a broken conscience. why do goodboys get whores for their birthday while i settle for a bottle of red wine. white wine. does the latter come from white grapes? i have a hovering raincloud above my head. please make it go away. .: 12:14:00 AM :. .: Samstag, November 2 :. amores perros the manifestation of bloodstains in all the nocturnal liveliness of the morning. octavio y susana. an incestuous infatuation i could never have turned down. the thick mop of hair that looks cute no matter what. the dark eyes and boyish smile. spontaneous lust on a washing machine. lol. i went from disc 1 to disc 3 before realizing i had missed out disc 2. one sweet whirl between here and there. eisteins theory of relativity compared to my own made up understanding of the universe, or rather to be more accurate my own milky way.. are so different. an object of beauty and lesser intelligence condemned to a wheelchair, perfectly amputated from what was, the gangrene being physically clotted yet continuously spreading in the mind. its one thing to be physically deformed and another to have someone love you enough to live with you through it. ive been content at times to think there would be a person to call my own beside my death bed. it seems like to much to ask.. even for unconditional love, to have one stay with me if i were ever so unfortunate to be a burden. like im not already. i once spoke to a young italian lad about being disabled. his name is mario and he said to me, "vani wont like handicapped." well. i certainly dont know anyone who would. *sigh* ti amo vani. i slept round the clock yesterday, 4am to 4pm. waking up in time to welcome the rain right after i had hung out the laundry. my clocks are all set at least six hours back, my head perhaps screwed on the wrong way. i think i am losing more hair than i ought to be, the average of a hundred hairs per day seems rather many.. what more hair loss being associated with anaemia.. i am getting paranoid. the sky is brightening, soft pinkish purple candy floss. its a new day. im going to into bed before the harsh sunlight starts to cast shadows with its glare. i cant think of anything else i would have wanted to type besides this: dont flatter yourself. let someone else do it. .: 2:22:00 PM :. |
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