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.: Donnerstag, Januar 30 :. bitte nichts; i think its funny how people who are worthless and unknown to you can make such a difference in emotional distress. here i mean in an absolutely i-want-to-rip-your-stupid-head-off bad way. and then its also lustig that just when you got over the fact you have to take an indecisive bus to travel half a day by yourself because youre just not that lucky to have a boyfriend who coincidentally lives in your hometown who can drive you (or help you out with your homework because youre just too blöd to assemble an electronic hobby kit) or a doting father who would be willing to make the trip just to get you back home safely without the hassle of being independent, people get all surprised youre only going back on the day of the reunion dinner itself and by public transport at that, worry. ive been asking myself that same question, why dont my parents worry about me wandering around the bus station when all the guys i know have the fear of getting mugged and what not there. telling me to be careful about what fiends i should look out for doesnt quite seem the perfect prevention method. yea its such a f**ken good experience, ask me about it sometime and ill tell you a different story for every other trip i had to make to that congested fuming structure. people just cant leave me the hell alone. so i start what if-ing.. what if my mother braided my hair when i was a kid.. what if my father never beat me when i was a kid.. what if they sent me for ballet instead of tennis at 4pm under the searing afternoon sun.. what if i continued playing the piano even though my practising was insulted and claimed as disturbance of peace when i was a kid.. what if i really drowned in the public pool when i was a kid. when i was a kid, all this never mattered. they probably dont worry about me because i snuck off to kl on my own at 15 one fine weekend. for no bloody reason. expectedly i got grounded for life. be a bitch and ask me why im so anti-social. i got brainwashed by the best about friendship and racism. is there even any room for love in this pretty picture? cute mother-daughter shopping scenarios, a father who actually listens to what you say without cutting in about a totally irrelevant topic because youre too boring to hold his attention for even that little while.. then tells your siblings you never ever talk to him about anything. lets not start about the way your siblings just happen to be better than you in everything while getting away with it at half your age. that its okay to send them to school everyday when you used to be too scared to even wake anyone up at 6am after missing the school bus, and take the town bus to -duh- town then walk to school past all the dark alleys and strange early birds shuffling about in twilight. everything i ever did, i did for them. everything i do, id remind myself im doing it for them. because he taught me family always comes first. it should be mandatory for married couples to take a parenting license before having any offspring. not experiment with innocent lives and bring them up to see the world in a completely twisted way. why would i for the life of me hope that anyone could understand what i go through without an ounce of prejudice. this is what she tells me; sticking a flower into manure is bad news for the flower. this is what he tells me; there is no such thing as a free lunch. a barefooted man complains he doesnt have any shoes until he sees a man without feet. god helps those who helps themselves. oh and stop crying. because he knows those are definitely crocodile tears. suddenly it feels like a miracle ive lived over zwanzig Jahre.. this must be the first ever chinese new year i am not looking forward to at all. excuse me, i am going to wallow in some good old self-pity while contemplating a shrink or suicide. did you believe all that. or was it just a cerebral concoction of an abused childhood. truth or dare. your call. .: 10:19:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Januar 29 :. the prodding headache, the spiralling sensation, the churning room, everytime i closed my eyes the space around me shifted but when i opened them again i was right back where i started. chemical reactions are so unpredictable. or are they biological.. i dont know. the broken word of over confidence. the bitterness of feeling. the unfulfilled wishes. the drying pond. the hours of unconsciousness. the muted repetition of sound. the dawning of guilt. the friday bus ticket. the reunion dinner. the midterm exam. the misunderstandings. the anti-war petition. the peach is red because of the rain. the trees bloom because it is spring. the broken eggs soaked into the egg tray. the meaningless rest. the miscalculation of days. the bread, butter and sugar. the truth about charin. or whatever her name is. the diversity of love. the looping song. the rejection, the acceptance, the prodding headache all over again. adei. the mystery of not admitting defeat. the scent of tobacco. the everlasting apple. the tolerance of temperamental recluse. the red eye. the only thing that is real. pain. .: 9:39:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Januar 28 :. its every day im in this place i feel this way i feel the same its every day im in this place i feel this way i feel the same is it all inside my head is it all inside my head i view the list and take my pick i view my fate and make a choice cause its nobody elses but mine but youre in my heart i can feel your beat and you move my mind from behind the wheel when i lose control i can only breathe your name i can only breathe your name so many days within this race i need the truth i need some grace i need the plot to find my place i need some truth i need some grace the part of you thats part of me will never die will never leave and its nobody elses but mine you are in my heart i can feel your beat and you move my mind from behind the wheel when i lose control i can only breathe your name i can only breathe your name youll view the list and take your pick youll view my fate and make the choice cause im nobody elses but yours and youre in my heart i can feel your beat and you move my mind from behind the wheel when i lose control i can only breathe your name cause youre in my heart i can feel your beat and you move my mind from behind the wheel and i lose control i can only breathe your name. - sixpence none the richer - .: 9:17:00 AM :. the entrails in my bathroom sink were limp and stringy. just like the green shrooms in the campbell soup tin. the bangladeshis will never hear it from my mouth but id like to apologize for my extremely bad mood last night. even though i had went over to sought help with my work.. humans have the most confusing ways of expressing themselves. its like i got off the wrong side of my bed, which is the only side i ever get off from, i dont know whats my problem sometimes. i can sooth the sorrow of another with flat out criticism and dust off their self-denial by shoving the reality of it all in their face. someone has to be the bad guy in all situations. i cant seem to do that with my schizoid personality. its a major downside. do you know if you get hit by a piano in the igloo garage game you die instantly? theres reality for you. how does carassa get that kinda strength anyway..i still think shes out to get mika. before sven came over to test out their homemade independent film on vcd, i was trying to get juins digicam because there is a new white flower in bloom and i just had to take a picture of it. unfortunately it was low on power and i had to let it go, after giving him a major guilt trip as though were talking about a black tulip with the lifespan of one afternoon. there will be two tomorrow, i predict.. and he says he will come take some shots if there are.. some things today you can never get back tomorrow, like that bubble stuck underwater on a opening leaf. i had to burst it to know. i just had to. i convinced juin to adopt one of my babies. there will be one fish less from now onwards.. a pretty orange one with a dark stripe down its back. sigh. i should just get some longkang fish. back to their indie production, 25 minutes of a short story entitled kuai sau, or monster in cantonese. the quality rocked and i have faith theyre going to get somewhere with all this over indulgence in the film industry. which explains why someone isnt doing his homework anymore.. of course i insulted a lot of elements in edited footage, they totally left me out of this whole thing. i shouldnt even bring it up, what would i do with five guys in a one car production. irritate them with perfectionism, since i wouldnt know what to comment about their mandarin and hokkien driven script. 3 down 17 to go. its good to have something of your own and spend it as you will. that way i dont owe anyone, i dont have to play nice and i dont have to put up with them. i dont really want to do anything anymore, when you try to breathe the water.. you drown. its that simple for me. .: 2:55:00 AM :. .: Montag, Januar 27 :. the one eyed koi bigger than the rest, orange with black tips at the tail.. ive learned its discriminating to feed handicapped fish to bigger fish, because they last just as long (maybe longer) than the rest of the school. stayed up till 6am this morning doing nothing much constructive, got into a lengthy deep thinking discussion with bandur that went on for hours and hours.. its a form of expression really, it is possible to learn a lot from it and yet nothing at all.. my perspective versus your point of view. they had an alpha classmate over, chinese girl speaking in some unknown english accent, telling people poems dont rhyme, theyre deep and emotional ladida. geez. i felt a little threatened and a lot less special.. i think its okay if people tell you how profound you are, but not when you try so hard to show off youre at another level of intellect. most people do that anyway and im not excluded. im not sure what invisible power made me drag myself out of bed and walk a good kilometre trying to protect my sensitive eyes from going blind. time passed very quickly and i managed to stay perky, magically i might add, while juggling the alterations of dimensions and line widths, monoplotting and black & white printing, soldering or rather creating shiny beads of molten flux. it felt good to be regarded as one of the better students in class.. that was before the hardworking people appeared with every other assignment finished and ready for submission. oh heck, at least i assembled my water detector which does not work. i was so flattered to be asked out on a date. by a raver somemore. thats all i can muster up, cajoled and blushing. then changing the topic as best i can. there was one unfortunate incident however that changed my mood. it shall remain unnamed just as it is unknown to the person who put me in this awkward position. i ask myself why would you even care. i try to brush it off, going over the edge with sarcasm, picking on steven, making stupid statements and corny jokes. acting like im stoned, which i actually am but not in a good way. i skip socializing to come home and lose myself in natures serenity. feed the fish. i dont know whether my eyes hurt because im about to cry or ive a lot of sleep to catch up on. maybe both. .: 1:22:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Januar 26 :.  Hope deferred
maketh the heart sick. - The Bible - it did rain, poured, stormed yesterday.. but i failed to go to sleep. i think i started on my autocad instead. but progressed so slowly i couldve done double the work. i keep thinking im way behind im way behind but im actually not, thankfully other people in my class are slacking as well.. i have no comments on sci studio. that software is freaking non user-friendly. on a lighter note.. the cursed urn is still residence to a tiny orange koi-like fish, and a white flower bloomed from beneath one of the chlorophyll engorged pads.. the stems criss-crossing each other so visibly through the clear water as newborns made their way steadily towards the surface, like minute hearts of light green. it was simply picturesque. but the day was sunny and its the sun that intimidates those soft feathery flowers, making them sink back into the cool water.. kaninchen somewhat told me there wont be any calls anymore. which i did not pursue for answers to the flitting questions which arose, certainly i am bothered by this, out of curiousity and suspicion. im not sure why i tend to stand down, or hide, or run away whenever doubt presents itself.. or all those dark thoughts that make people cry. it makes me feel bad. it leaves me uncomforted. my personality seems to worsen as i grow.. something tells me my health fares no better either, till today i cant seem to find the assigned life line on my palm. i sit and watch the urns whenever i can, pretending the lifeforms in it are flourishing and happy when they are really trapped and dying. i want to be able to do my work properly and have the courage to leave my cozy tempurung. im not sure if its a fear.. but its the most convenient excuse, to admit to being afraid before someone else labels you a coward. i find peace in suspension, being alone and not having to wonder what you think of me nor about me, whether or not i am acceptable or good enough.. because when i am in that state of mind, the ease of living comes smooth and happiness becomes an envelope addressed to god, with a licked stamp and a hand-written letter that runs on and on.. .: 3:41:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Januar 24 :. approximately 12 hours ago i watched chasing amy with a couple of monkeys. i had no idea it was so relationship oriented and it was awful to think ive never seen it all this while yet used about a third of the corny mush in its script. okay its not corny. i didnt see the crossroads thing coming though, the little question vlad asked me months back. in fact i didnt remember the answer until banky screamed it at holden. because the other three are figments of your imagination. do i even have an imagination.. everything seems to be drying out now that i really need the inspiration for ideas. i bet its every other guys fantasy to convert a lesbian. i found a bright blue condom wrapper on my balcony, someone from the upper 8 floors must be having fun. im glad it was just the wrapper and not the used latex. the smaller urn seems to be cursed, only one sole survivor remains.. the heat is killing all my darling plants and the house is a mess. i left it the same way it was after my diligence in sawing styrofoam.. snow everywhere. its saturday and i havent done a thing for mondays massive submission. i was figuring out a way to reheat some fried chicken when i recalled my childhood friend frying bacon and sausages with a toaster. genius. im going to do just that and gnaw my frustration out on the poor poultrys bones. why dont they show anything good on saturdays that runs in english or chinese. if it rains i am going back to sleep. .: 10:47:00 PM :. Jalan Pasar & The Power of Dreams yesterday there was a heated debate over religion a.k.a. god (thanks to the publics ability of word association), where most of the action came from ding dong bell and the guy who refers to me as sarcastic bitch. i wanted to say something but kept changing my mind, from then on i concluded its plain stupid to even bring up these issues which are oh-so-argueable but also oh-so-neverending story. you want to believe in science and god, by all means do. serene thinks the entire human nation is an incestual orgy because we all apparently came from adam and eve. lol.. i could not care less to think otherwise. if i do not question your faith in whatever the hell is it you believe in, you should just leave me alone. everyone who speaks of it would probably like to think theyre so profound and shit, i think theyre just mostly the latter. you found your god, im happy for you.. dont expect me to go, "ooh i want one too." other than that scrupulous morning, the rest of the day slept by. german class taught me to talk about animals at home, discovered the teacher has a thing for fishes too, maximus fisch ist immer hunger.. anyway, that is all irrelevant. i started out for my tutorial late as usual, could not find the classroom and sort of gave up, the clock tells me i am already over half an hour unpunctual. i finally found it with the aid of a tour guide, with only 15 minutes left of class. normally i would have just not bothered at all and continued dreaming in bed, but today i had to make it because we were going to town. jalan pasar to be exact. my level of cheerfulness deteriorated quite badly as the day progressed. sometimes i cant help but think the whole happiness thing does not agree with me, as physically i am not well either. *shrugs* it effects me, or i let it effect me.. ah im in no mood for this. i played literati with drew, while he taught me how to make an orange float with sunkist and vanilla ice-cream. he totally kicked my ass and i guess i sulked, because he resigned and let me win. hes so nice.. i found out later from my offline icq message that he was sore about me taking the first lead.. thats before i closed the main applet window thinking the sub-applet would continue to run. d'oh. we had decided to go see asimo at midvalley as well. the trip to market road i liked, there was so much to take in, i almost couldnt keep up with the others because i had to look at everything and process it in my dysfunctional mind. the objective was to purchase materials for the working model, we all settled for those electronic hobby kits, mine was a water detector relay, which i had no idea involved soldering (new word of the day) or pateri as i know it back from those kemahiran hidup days. more than enough to discourage me from assembling a mosquito repeller which works by annoying bugs with a frequency only they can hear. dog whistle theory and application. the shop owner is super cool, he knows like everything about anything he has in the shop. always felt the older generation is a lot smarter than us, they just never had the opportunity to make something out of it. i shall have to borrow the soldering thing from sven, how else would i liquify the flux timah thingie. if its not already obvious, i seriously need to learn more about electronics and hardware. i dont know what happened but i can barely form a decent sentence in mandarin these days, nor in cantonese.. not even in english. i blame it on all the big words i have to conjure. perhaps i shall refrain from talking at all soon. they had some fish selling shops around, i particularly enjoyed my time here. the first store i entered the song dream a little dream came on, in an old chinese shop like that.. it was definitely a moment. it felt different to be looking at round bellied goldfish and varieties of neon tetras with that music on. thats when i suddenly had the great idea of owning my own fish shop. which is cruel and smelly so i take it back. maybe a nursery.. of plants. not kids. if theres anything the world could not get enough of, its flora. took a cab to midvalley a whole two hours before the advanced step in innovative mobility show was scheduled to begin. spent some time at breadstory by jun. the yoghurt cake is nice stuff. went to the supermarket and had lotsa free tastings. i was beginning to get really tired, and no i dont attribute it to lack of exercise or weak lungs. i wasnt up for anything to do with a mall, i was seriously considering asking people whom i saw smoking for a stick, and ended up at mph. i observed many things in here that ive no recollection of now.. im really curious as to how those theft detectors work, was so tempted to pocket some things but too chicken to risk setting the alarm off. there are so many books, this is like 4-5 times the size of mph in ipoh. i bet people get tired just browsing in there which explains the benches and seats for free reading. if i lived any closer, id proclaim it a library. screw everything else i saw and felt while hanging around this giant congregation of fun seeking social animals with their fashion sense and dates. a lot of people turned up for the asimo thing, which surprised me because for the life of me i dont know what is so alluring about a robot, dont we see enough of these sci-fi things on tv. so why was i there, well.. purely educational reasons. honestly i am a nerd. saw a local celebrity who also happens to be a beauty queen, with the rising standards of the overly presentable public, shes just another pretty face in the crowd. so we watched a talking walking robot on stage for 30 minutes, enthusiastic techies recording the event with their digicams and divicams and cams. when the event was over i got a green balloon, these balloon things are really cheap advertising tactics, if they can convince you to take one.. youll be walking around all over the place promoting them. for the price of a rubber inflatable. it later turned into an orange balloon, which eventually i gave away. yes i was in that foul a mood to actually give away my balloon. took a bus back to pudu raya and swung by petaling street to eat a bowl of assam laksa. i cant tell the significance of that prawn paste thing, bought the 9-piece kfc set (some bribery is in order) and headed back home. i couldnt sleep a wink in the bus and my upper back hurt. a shower helped a bit, sitting here as i do the daily freebies on my virtual pet account and negotiate with my technical support about flash and rhino. there are many things bothering me, like butterflies in my stomache.. the condition of my skin.. the fact i need to deliver the food soon, so the chicken wont get cold. i hope there are cigarettes over there. .: 6:31:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Januar 22 :. kung ming deng fighting negative thoughts out of my head.. i feel slightly better after watching the wednesday night sitcoms,"if i were a man with gills, i would be a fish", and taking a cold shower. i came home rather dejectedly, had that awful sense of not belonging and not fitting in again. before i drown myself in that self wallowing.. i woke up to a brilliant sunset, though rather dark, the colours were magnificent, red, orange, purple.. thunder was rumbling and there were flashes of lightning too. i began to wonder if the lantern 'releasing' would be postponed. called them up and found out its still on, they told me they didnt know how to write the last chinese character of my name, which is the most significant to me.. damn them. shook off the sleepiness and made the long walk to the rugby field, ive been studying here for the past 3 years and i got lost on campus. ended up at the tennis courts and instead of taking the short way to the field, i walked one big round to get there. the night was so warm, i could feel myself getting sticky. walking and walking like there would be no end to the road.. i finally spotted the crowd and heard familiar voices screaming my name in unison. i may be short sighted but i sure aint blind nor deaf, could feel my face getting flushed from the attention. i wasnt in much of an enthusiastic mood, when i neared them, they were posing for a digicam shot with the lantern and i had to join in. didnt want them making a fuss about me being unco-operative. turned out they managed to get the last character of my name right, handed me a marker and forced myself to scribble a lame happy chinese new year and sign my name. pretty much everything else on the lantern was written in chinese. they drew some pictures on it as well but i didnt think to question what it meant at the time. i had imagined the event to be like a field of fireflies, everyone getting ready and all releasing their kung ming deng at the same time so they will all float into the sky together. but it wasnt like that. people had to queue up to light their lanterns. when i was there it was two at one go. one after the other. sat with juin on the edge of the steep slope while he complained about mosquitoes, watching other lanterns taking off and floating up into the night sky like fat candles or balls of fire. when it was our turn it seemed everyones lantern made it up into the sky without exploding or spontaneous combustion, but maggie and cos burned to ashes in the sky. at least it got up there before self destructing. then it was time for our baby to fly. i was a little worried since we didnt put much thought into making it, so-called advanced since we followed the instructions fast and didnt pay attention to detail. sven started chanting some sort of chinese thing, i assume it traditionally goes with the kung ming deng, then it was lit and shot off like a rocket, beating the other groups lantern which was lit before us. lol. the power of physics and science. we thought it would burn but it didnt so woohoo. since it safely survived the first phase, we neglected to keep track of which one ours was.. it overtook the other and then both seemed to almost bump into each other but maintain an almost similar level. we admired our work for a while when suddenly out of the blue, one of them completely blacks out and disappears from sight. *poof* we immediately claimed ownership of the remaining lantern naturally ;) but surprisingly, that lantern reappeared again about a hundred feet below where it was last seen, still lit and just hovering in one position before slowly gaining altitude. it was so unique! up till the lanterns faded away in the night sky, we still had no clue which was ours. but they were both good lanterns. crammed into jonof_ems car and drove over to the "flower market". sven repeatedly insisted we go look for the 'corpse'. we didnt even know where it fell. the guys were enthralled with perfecting their che ling skills and joining the circus. (side note: two people recently used the word enthrall on me. its supposed to be a good thing) i tried a couple of hopeless times to make the thing spin or whatever the objective of it was.. but i didnt have the patience. and i blame it on bad teachers a.k.a. nien² and juin. they also had a free chinese caligraphy writing section, where you use a big brush connected to a stick, dip it into a styrofoam dish of black ink and write on a rectangular piece of red paper. i got sounded for being not sporting by refusing to write something, and juin gave me a xi qi because i was so pitiful. how would i get by without him. xi qi means happy gas. directly translated. i had the worse bubble tea in my life for the price of 2.80. it tasted chemical or something i cant quite place. foul poison. as for the displacement on my behalf.. it just doesnt feel right to be where i am, with who i am with. i think ill go to my room now. oh wait, i am in my room. .: 8:00:00 AM :. Happiness is Teddybwear-Shaped. feels as though all the laughing wore me out, im so tired today. i knew i was late for class but i didnt expect it to be over by the time i got there. i wasnt that late was i? somehow i was glued to the same spot for the next three hours, it did not seem that long.. talking to university mates and eapie, helps to pass the time. some topics are just depressing in a way, makes my heart heavy as if it turned into lead. jeopardizing what i had figured out to be so sure of days ago. i dont want to feel this way. so i wont. there are just too many things i dont know the answer to, perhaps i dont know it for a reason. its like the story of the little boy who saved the town from being flooded by sticking his finger in the leaking hole.. or did i remember wrongly.. what if the pressure was too much and the whole dam broke and flooded the place anyway? you can run but you cant hide. my eyes are small and my shoulder blades need to be realigned. 42 visits from someone in hong kong.. could it be? whoever you are who has been reading over at hong kong, please leave me a little note somewhere. its so hot this afternoon, making me drowsy. i think ill go take a nap before heading back to campus for the floating lantern ceremony. seems like yesterday when i put the pesky thing together with the guys and tonight i hope our effort doesnt go up in flames. .: 12:04:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Januar 21 :. Be kind and considerate with your criticism. . . . It's just as hard to write a bad book as it is to write a good book.
- Malcom Cowley - here i am back from a long uneventful day, but im gonna make it sound eventful anyway. the evening is.. how should i put this.. divided. it threatened to pour but somehow held back and now the sky is seperated into two very different strips, one orangy yellow with a hint of red where the blue gray starts. its so nice to stare at and day dream.. sucker love is heaven sent. indeed.. the most unpredictable offline messages popped up in my yahoo when i logged on moments ago, from who i dare not say lest it was meant to be kept low profile *wink* and no i dont know people by their exs, youre a person on your own and an individual at that so keep it that way.. no im who whos ex. its just demeaning damnit. this thing about meeting new people, heck i shant even try to explain myself. well see how it goes. last night i finally got to experiment with juins work, 130k of text in flash, animated and interactive of course.. do be so kind as to click on the link and play with it, every kind of criticism is welcome, for his sake anyway. oh and while youre at it learn something about transgenders instead of judging them with crude jokes or disapproving frowns. he actually attended law class after one brief miss call from me after which i was duped into going for lunch after he struggled with a chinese caligraphy competition. which took over an hour. i find it very traditional and all that, the last time i picked up a brush and wrote anything in chinese characters was when i had my peoples old language classes about 10 years back. wish i could read and write chinese. hanging around, not even trying to be patient.. i saw my other childhood friend. well okay she saw me. the partner in crime thing is so 90's introduced me to her current boyfriend, innocent looking fellow, one thought passed my mind.. her braces. intimacy. ooh... while waiting i also took a short walk over to see how pottery is made, cute clay mice paperweight thingies were on sale. if it were elephants i wouldve bought one. then there was this scrawny limping -not my fault- white kitten with orange and black patches on the strangest places, we concluded it tried to drink some chinese ink. someone fed it french fries. argh. at least im not tempang. after lunch, sat there talking to joanna bossey and arie. please let the autocad copying work out, i dont want to do it myself. most of the time they spent looking at girls and gave me this short lecture thing about their ethics concerning looking at uhm.. maksiat things. the deal is you only get to look once, if you see it by accident then feast your eyes on it and forget it afterwards. like wtf. hahaha... thats the way hormones are i guess. the so-called brazillian started giving me eye signals when one of the few guys (perhaps only) that i actually stop and stare at walked by hand in hand with girlfriend, then they started doing that analysis in all typicality -i made this word up- about how good looking people hitch up with plain ones, it doesnt always work that way, we just say that when we see a case study thats all. cheh. the girl almost looks butch in this case.. im confused. sigh. just when i thought i can make my way back home in peace, sadi comes walking along with his bucket hat and insists i sit there and watch him eat. steven joins in later on and persuades us to go watch a scheduled lion dance after i found out about ding dongs boyfriend. saw her wearing some kinda halter top earlier which the two malay dudes were ogling at, mistakenly seeing her thin white belt as a g-string. lol. the world is getting smaller by the minute. the lion dance never showed up. laughing over stupid jokes about how it should be called monster dance instead, while sadi had a dragon vs. lion match in his head.. everyone seems so high on life these days. saw an ex-lecturer, mai.. she lost like half her size. awesome. had to fight off sadi and run away from the lense of blurs digicam. its an in born reflex for me to be camera shy, i dont think i just avoid. munna and shahnur joined in later.. after some four seasons drum thing they started giving speeches so we went to buy some sundaes instead. bumped into juin again and laughed my heart out.. while stevens sundae was dripping down his hand, juins friends were criticizing his lack of skill in eating ice-cream. they shouldve seen steven. lol. jon bites. lol. i didnt stop laughing there though, they had this ridiculous fake china circus act followed by some wushu performance, apparently all those wushu people can do splits and what not.. i got estatic about joining for that sole reason, wasnt serious tho, lets just say my mind is in the gutter and it cant get out. dirtier by the day. anyway sadi said he couldnt hold the rain back anymore and we made our way back home, munna with a cigarette all ready in his hand, just waiting to get pass the 'border'. they were commenting negatively about wushu and compared it to karate etc. saying theyre all mainly for self defence and not offence, as well as health and spiritual reasons. munna cracked that its like how attacking iraq is claimed to be self defence as well. since the chinese guys claim its difficult to kick your leg up to face level, i simply had to try it out and see if i had the flexibility to do so. i managed, even though i sorta got a mean cramp somewhere. i dont want to risk getting hurt by trying to split. thats what you get when you dont do your warm-ups. its going to be a long night doing unfinished business. what a nice nice day. .: 2:43:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Januar 19 :. Beauty That Can't Be Bought In A Bottle Young or old, a woman who radiates confidence is truly a natural beauty. Easier said than done, though! Most women, today, if they're perfectly honest, find it almost impossible to exude an air of permanent serenity and confidence. Life is simply too stressful. The reality, all too frequently, is a downward spiral of self-doubt, poor body image and often, escalating sexual dysfunction. We are bombarded, daily, by media images of the "perfect female"; real life, however, is rather different. First, accept that the "actual woman" doesn't always manage to juggle life's crises or notch up another orgasm without fail, and that even the most fit of females may be concealing cellulite beneath that slim silhouette. Only when we debunk the myth of the unattainable, can genuine confidence begin to flourish. Confidence is not in a bottle, it's in your own hands. hmm.. a little something for all the insecure females, though as far as i am concerned im the worst of the lot. recently got the paranoid impression that i am balding. which i hope is unlikely.. sleep has been giving me too much comfort, all i want to do day after day is play neopets and sleep. omfg. i dreamt about a wedding, probably my cousins which i quite deliberately missed.. ¥ Got a very nice and big and nice cake here. :P cant wait till can eat the cake and see they por the beer on the cups untill like a founten. :) . ¥ byebye. and my youngest sister had to deliberately send me smses throughout the event. there were these red puffy blown up octopus like things which was supposed to hold a drink i can only recall to be green 7-eleven slurpee-ish. in the dream not for real. lol. when deflated its like a cylindrical red makeup bag with handle. argh too much interface design. then reapers sms woke me up at about 10 and i started dreaming relevant topics instead, beta testing some kinda flash or director presentation which was so non-user friendly i was stuck, i dreamt in grayscale here.. then everything was forgotten and i was looking at a parcel of some sorta, covered in photographs -coloured- of people i do not recognize, or rather the details were so fuzzy i dont even know if they were human. i could read the black marker writing on it though i dont seem to recall what, i clearly remember seeing her name there. wow. dreaming has taken me to a whole new level of exaggeration. im hearing things. like munchkins. or was it sir munchkin. yes its truly the subtle things in life that matter. coincidences are funny anymore.. but its nice to be asked, answered and pass with flying colours. its such a tricky thing to achieve positive emotions and keep them. i realize a short while after posting yesterday that although things cant seem to logically improve constantly, there is however the nagging possibility that it could be maintained and the level of contentment would remain immobilized, if it there was a chance people could change their insatiably desires to want more than they have.. i believe there would be at least thrice as many happy people as they are in the world today. dont fool yourself with the short lived happiness of materialistic belongings and carnal pleasures, strive beyond that.. its not necessarily more complicated, on contrary it could be the smallest detail you never noticed that puts the joy in your laughter. or perhaps you were so distracted by other elements you decidedly thought were influential towards your happiness and neglected what was there all along. ah ive been talking cock for days now.. i wonder if i can blame the weather? its dark and gloomy, depressing some might say, but i think of it as a romantic bath with dim lights for my fishies and plants. i sense a sudden renewed urge to go mess around with html style codes and what not for my user lookup.. shamrocks are such pretty little things. .: 11:12:00 PM :. In Middle-earth, I was a Sorrowful Half-elf Elven Name Possibilities: The root name suitable for feminine & masculine: Alkalkar Another masculine version: Alkalkarion More feminine versions: Alkalkariel Alkalkarien Alkalkarwen Hobbit lad name: Lotho Bracegirdle from Scary Hobbit lass name: Aldarida Bracegirdle from Scary Dwarven Name: Grundin Woodenarrow This name is for both genders. Orkish Name: Luguk the Devastator This name is for both genders. if i were one of the lotrs characters, id be merry. pippins the stupid one right? must have been the food questions that gave me away. mmh french fries.. i had to go over to campus to get some fan haps to make my submarine, hell yea its still under construction.. doesnt feel that bad since almost noone else has completed it either, so i did lunch with the guys and illegally went up to their room for some herbal. finally got to hear jons creation with acid and samplers, it was good stuff. steven showed me tajinos a malaysian friday or something like that. i had no idea hes the same dude that did ntv7s animated ribbony logo on tv. cool. sometime before i was about to go back, my right leg fell asleep and i couldnt really move.. jon got all excited saying deja vu deja vu.. something repeated in his mind. had an encounter with a bottle of thick black nail polish, too stoned to apply it properly so i resorted to drawing stripes on other peoples skin. been playing neopets passionately, to the extent of strained wrists and tired eyes. to the edge of multitasking, earning, spending, arranging, purchasing, pricing, bargaining. alternating between ye olde coffee shoppe and the igloo garage sale (even the game rocks). then theres tomanski to babysit and erotic stories courtesy of brujita. i still havent started working on any of my assignments which is a very bad sign. yet again i receive an anonymous message on msn messenger, this happens too often since i snagged the email add for all 6 letters in my name minus any stupid numbers or screenname etc. today is rather special though, since those strangers are usually chinese from china it becomes routine to explain i merely share the same name as whoever they think i am but am not. an irish-american who looks like the lead of everclear.. on reading my writing, Max says: you should write books raewbyddet says: whoa thats too much raewbyddet says: i dont write THAT well Max says: you WILL theres only so much flattery i can handle. then again he hasnt been exposed to other writers of online journals, this is just the tip of the iceberg one might say, seems like ive been gloating a lot.. or rather things have actually been alright with me. so alright i feel anything is possible :) summat waiting for the decline which comes with all inclines, nothing could just keep getting better and better.. otherwise there wouldnt be a best now would there? i need to read more and write less.. meanwhile i think ill go tend to my game and new found online friend. .: 4:51:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Januar 18 :. 
What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? better late than never.. lol. i cant tell if im the stick persun on the left or right. id prefer the one on the right of course :) i like the word parasite. someone woke me up by phone today otherwise id still be sleeping at this hour, my immune system hasnt been up to par of late, i dont know why my bowels are purging and my nose leaks. *sniffles* i cant say i have a running nose, it just drips slightly on the left. weird. not forgetting the threatening presence of a migraine somewhere inside my head. so i spent the morning in a cleaning frenzy with the laundry, broom and mop. even changed the pillow cases and bed sheet as well as dusted my workspace @ economical computer table on wheels. most importantly i unloaded my poor mouses tiny rollers from inches worth of lint. saturday morning cartoons dont seem to be what they used to be, some things dont do it for me no more as i came to notice.. i observed a moral lesson from one of those low budget 2d animations though, about what itd be like to wear another persons shoes, understandably not literal, but to imagine yourself in anothers situation. if you can make someone happy, it cant be that bad. by happy i do not mean cheap thrills of kleptomania, lustful intercourse by force, compulsive lying etc. i dont know why some of us think criminals are happy people but what i perceived from the song lyric was more of a contentment. the point in your life when youre truly comfortable with what was, what is and what will be. its just like how some say they feel incomplete without a significant other. if you cannot be complete on your own, how can you ever find someone to complete you. the illusion of 'complete' has already clouded your thoughts and created a dependency on another person, presumably also incomplete without you. so we dwell among missing jigsaw puzzle pieces. 'tis a ridiculous misconception of love. surely i am noone to speak of the matter, and yet its clear that people today are weak. we have achieved so much to aid and speed our daily chores that now it goes back to the basics of human interaction, the time we saved from shorter journeys, faster results.. all wasted on recreation and leisure. weve lost the glue that binds us together. people are actually willing to pay to attend support groups and have mental guidance because they dont know how to get back on track on their own. and their most primitive outlet is barred by the inability to express oneself without holding back, we have taken to bottling and hiding yet cannot cope with the side effects of doing so. we are too proud to stoop down and pick up what we left laying fallen. too insecure to solve matters on our own and too lewd to return to innocence we once were. theyre floating incomplete inside their head and neglecting all that would make them whole, if they could just open their eyes and see past it. i havent found god yet, or discovered a miraculous drug that cures pessimism, or even something, anything that can convince me it will change my days to come and give me a better life. perfection is learning to overlook the flaws. theres always myself however, as they say your fate lies in your own hands. the first obstacle is me. when i get pass that, itll be nothing but blue skies and rainbows. its all in the mind. there are always going to be two possibilities; so choose already. .: 1:06:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Januar 16 :. pc17 exploded a few hundred kilometres away from here, i hope no injuries were sustained. talked about motivational and inspirational things today, will these healthy discussions of god and existence never end.. sensitive issues always somehow get out of hand and people get edgy over the things they stand for. my skeptism outdoes me. sometimes words escape my lips i never would utter under my breath if my mind worked just a tad bit better. i confessed to being stuck in a rut. i dont need to be told to be afraid, i already am and have been. ah society.. why do we all work towards fitting in somewhere. getting someplace. having someone. We only have one shot at this and then's it's gone." if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad. .: 11:55:00 PM :. room to let two hours of misunderstood patience, the reputed line actually originated from somewhere else damnit, luckily i found it interesting enough to appreciate what the filmmaker went through putting this story together. the pace was good for observing the finer qualities of shadows and reflections, the lack of expression and movement compensated with atmosphere and environment. its a movie about relationships and love in my eyes.. but what do i know. also the longest running malboro light advertisement. i guess i just happened to be in the mood. it would have been a magnified enjoyment had the stoners sped up their process of getting their joints and getting back in time before it started. i was in the rp room then with the dude who got a scholarship at loughborough, i bet he was a hippie though he denies it. dusting off corn starch powder and fixating binded forms with super glue. hes so nice to spend time making up for my own reluctance to attend yesterdays session.. its like free private tutoring. i ran off before i could finish super glue-ing my little bridge of flour. same as how i ran off right after the film came to an end, before the q and a started with the film maker himself.. all for the sake of deutsch class. arrived just before the teacher did, listening to casette tapes of lektion content was an earful, the fluency was overriding our basic knowledge of the german language so we all just blinked and i imagined a country that has bier as national drink, and pork for staple food. what a non-muslim place it must be. not that i know but.. those factors contribute some, nein? rewinding to before lunch, i bumped into the editor of the newsletter -ill luck indeed- who was supposed to cover the screening but asked me to review it instead *gasp* me? did i not walk away from them already... i can feel the suction pulling me in. shitloads of hausaufgabe await me and i have so many minutes to spare with the things which dont really matter. at all. ich bin hunge.. .: 5:02:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Januar 15 :. Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
- Chinese proverb - im a hopeless addict to screen devices.. it helps me pass the time i wish to spend lazing. the secret lab ray is doing horrible things to pyriel, it provides a little bewilderment in my dull life.. while squinting at the tiny marblemen and feeding florg with adorable animated petpets. i make 10k easy in that surreality.. as for the chinese proverb i found it with little effort, along with the recipe for love, during the modification of :.junkie.: i was torn between chinese new year and valentines day as a theme, thus ended up with a combination of both. which is weird, but ah heck who cares. im dying to immortalize my little eden, the speed of growing plants surprises me, it would seem my wish came true. i cant help but wonder if they produce enough oxygen for me, or am i breathing in more than they can hurriedly give out. every day i spend loitering beside them, i discover new leaves unfolding and shoots sprouting, best of all.. no dead fish. i have good reason to believe the environment contributes to their lifespan. its a small happiness i gain looking after them. of course its no fun cleaning out aquariums but clean water evokes mild tranquility when gazed at. it seems so meaningless, everything. to have classmates tease me about every other guy i am seen with.. what is it with this infatuation about relationships and their depth, will i have to tolerate this treatment forever if i never end up attached. they all probably think im not straight, narrow, whutever.. but are too polite to say it in my face. i have a lot of dirty blood running through my veins, where it spills black instead of red. he told me he thinks hes going to die soon and complains about chest pains, i feel the same way. too many gold rings. at least girls think hes good looking. just in dire need of a makeover and yet another leng chai up for grabs. its silly to think you have friends when they only exist in this cyber world.. to over prioritize and care about them. when they dont feel the same about you. this weekend is lins 21st birthday and i probably wont be able to make it back to be part of the celebration. it doesnt really matter if i do anyway, i always feel out of place. if i were presented the choice id shy away for everyone and lock myself away in some attic like j.r.r. tolkien did when typing out the finalized complete copy of lotr. live in a world of my own and live to tell the tale, living to a grand old age despite smoking a pipe for years before death, learning linguistics at leisure and absorbing literature. create my own language. even the writer of alice in wonderland looks up to reule. nowadays.. who does not. i realize the higher i climb, the further the fall down. i cant say i didnt try, i just didnt try all that hard. im so bad with responsibilities, with tendencies to hurt the ones i love. they think i take them for granted then, but little do they know i end up getting hurt the worst.. simply because i bear the weight of my fault and i feel the tear at the weakest part of fabric, unravelling what i know as me. talking to the religious makes me ponder if i need a god, talking to the smitten makes me contemplate taking a chance and trying out what its like to have a better half.. talking to the suicidal while screaming overdose, and their roommate watches the nightmare before christmas. its all a cruel joke, the kind that pains you to laugh at but you feel a corner of your mouth turning upwards into a lopsided smirk. its funny to be stuck here on this plane where so many things exist and co-exist simultaneously whether or not they get along, its all an endless supply of rain and a little window into another life. this is no place for children to grow. .: 7:56:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Januar 14 :. Quantum Meruit the more i sleep the more i want to sleep and in this wonderful wet weather, i cant stop longing to go to sleep. even if i dont id most likely be caught staring at the sliding glass doors with nothing in my head, observing smoke patterns and the raindrops polka dotting everything. my kois got so excited with the pattering rain in their territory, only one report of demise so far. its a good sign, im glad theyre doing well patrolling the water to make sure it does not end up a breeding ground for mosquito larvae etc. i didnt skip my classes today, although i didnt pay much attention either. imagine an hours presentation devoted to conflict. laughable yes? i paid more attention to twist soft serve ice-cream and strawberry sundaes, suppressing the endless yearning for french fries, motor driven duckie racing and speaking bad mandarin. thats all i remember. oh and they made me part of the working committee in the film club, which conveniently ceases to exist at the moment.. how could anyone give me the responsibility of writing movie reviews. i think the newsletter people are not going to be happy at all if and when they discover i somehow have time to handle that but called it quits with them. well steven did say to me yesterday, "love what you do and not work a day", something like that, and i always have plenty to say after any flick.. cant wait for the one on thursday with its reputed line: wo de ku ku chiao hen ta.. wo pa ni tung. rotflmao. grr.. just when i was about to go take a nap.. some ah bengs have to start singing on their karaoke set. guess ill spend the rest of the evening entertaining those online at work *grins* .: 12:14:00 AM :. .: Montag, Januar 13 :. Runaway Train honestly ive never taken a liking to this song. neither do i understand why so many people dig it. nevermind that. last night i couldnt watch any television because the antenna was sulking and i couldnt get online for some mysterious reason, thus i resorted to entertaining myself with the little fishies and somehow miraculously finishing all my homework except the submarine. i thought id wake up really early in the morning to do it but i didnt. and i have a record breaking attendance for id this semester, compared to the first which i hardly attended at all. pillow would be so proud of me. just when i thought the workload couldnt get any heavier, i was d'oh wrong. so incredibly wrong. not only do i have to redo my half-hearted autocad drawing after having it publicly criticized, i have to use it to produce a rhino model and have both of them a3 printed by next week. youd think it stops there but it doesnt. as an overwhelming ritual we were taught yet another brand new software call sci studio (to add to the list of my credentials -not-) in which we are required to create two pixel drawings of female characters and animate them in a room kinda area. this if you have any interest to know is how they make those wonderful games people enjoy so much on gameboys. my future is just so amazingly bright. right up till now they still have not handed out the assignment sheets yet.. woohoo. what came after lunch was nauseating. ergonomic anthropometric research whutever you call it on not one but two subjects, human and the complementary colours i thought i was so over with.. and our little final 'exam' to determine each students capabilities to create a working model from scratch for one of three scenarios due whenever but the sooner the better. did i mention its a working model as in it has to work? and all this is due next week? can we all say the four-letter word aloud together now? the nightmare continues with the internship briefing. somewhere in the middle of it i turned to juin and told him, "i think i should sell all my organs and give my parents the money." yknow so they wont feel bringing me up was such a total loss. time used to fly, now it zips around like a hummingbird. that is one subject. i do have another four damnit. why are they doing this to us? and somehow im supposed to trust people when they say, "oh.. when you start working you will wish you were studying again." yea right. i am so not buying that. never did. theyre even taking full advantage of our thaipusam and chinese new year holidays! i cant even refer to it as a holiday anymore ;_; when i graduate i am going to bum around till i cant bum no more.. which is unlikely. but whoa wouldnt that be fun. on a lighter note; im so happy i made a white bellied toman blush today. that concludes my whining session. the end. .: 3:05:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Januar 11 :. 
(The Histrionic Personality Disorder and Factitious Disorder) The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others. so they say or so i think they say that homo sapiens and perhaps some higher ranking primates are the only living creatures with the plus ability of thinking. makes me wonder why is it that animals can learn to understand and speak our language but we cant seem to return that favour, who exactly is more intelligent in that sense? i dont know sign language but some apes do. at least they cant talk. a dream within a dream. thats what im beginning to experience at night and i certainly dont want to assume that weed is the culprit. i dreamt my teeth were starting to rot near the gums and it didnt hurt but i was prodding to make sure it wasnt just something stuck there, turns out its an eroded cave and a whole new breeding ground for cavities.. argh. then i woke up and checked my teeth in the mirror complaining about dreaming they had gone bad while still in a dream.. what else i dont remember. perhaps this is an omen for me to stop kissing cigarette butt. i used to check my guestbook obsessively for new entries -beats me why with the tag-board as much preferred choice- i guess i still do open it to see if there be people who choose a more permanent certification of visit. a pornstar dropped by couple of days ago, at least that is the instant impression it gave me when i clicked the website link. what an honour for me. i think i just might go write her an e-mail.. as a homosexual once told me; all girls are either bisexual or lesbian. its just that some bisexual girls like the opposite sex more. hmm.. i guess he has a point. .: 8:50:00 PM :. The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much.
- Thornton Wilder - an evening of brainstorming over our micro board game turned out amazingly well, its difficult to deny the things i have in common with sven. uncanny but we seriously think alike and even the actions we tend to take are mostly the same. ah heck, there are so many human beings in the world, you cant expect them all to be different now can you? i learnt a new term for knife vs. fruit; slaughter. it doesnt sound so brutal in cantonese. after typing a proposal for human-computer interaction for the disabled and coming up with the manual a.k.a. how to play for the intended micro board game (i dont even have a clue how dungeons and dragons work man.. how the.. argh i wish cath were around for me to bug), i went out like a light.. however theres this weird habit of waking up in the dark for some me time, maybe i am going to bed too early o_0 i set the alarm for 9 but came to my senses at noon, rushing to prepare and entertain guests. fixed up a small white three drawer piece of furniture, dont you just love these do-it-yourself things? the highlight of the day just has to be my short trip to the dengkil fish shop. so i didnt get to choose what fish i would have liked to be swimming around as decor in my living room, theyre pretty pricey anyway.. let the man choose. i played along with the elated-ness of his discovery of ikan puyu, rather unattractive medium sized things they are. believed to ward off evil spirits. eats anything and can crawl on land. fits the job description alright.. except the land-crawling bit.. due to my slight hint of disbelief, i was told to experiment with those mean spiky creatures -a pair of them- to see them walk. i didnt. experiment that is. ah let them be, now i have three very nasty fish to feed. its also supposedly a fact that maximus would die if set to fight with the puyus. i got 13 miniature kois, i cant get enough of these little ones, theyre cheap and nice to look at, set them all free in the urns filled with muddy water, in good time the dirt will settle and they bright colours will grace the surface. not forgetting underwater gardening, fickle as i am with landscape architecture.. i decided to root down an additional lily-pad-plant thing just to add to the atmosphere for the fishies in the urn. i wish theyd hurry up and multiply. both the plants and the fishies.. if theres anything worse than barren ground, its scarce greenery with parched wood. i like it lush and fertile :) .: 12:41:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Januar 10 :. You have received a message! i'm an itsy bitsy spider stuck between a monitor and filter this would have been a very ordinary day, me oversleeping and missing those dreaded morning classes, idling away the afternoon online then getting all pissy when the connection goes down and i cant do my assignments. in my weak efforts to obtain a glue gun, i somehow detoured to paying the water bill and fixing my problematic access card which did not seem to want to work anymore. ooh.. my lethargy is contagious even to non-animate objects. its kinda embarassing to be standing at the touch panel turning my card over and over trying to get the thing to go *beep* and let me pass, then ending up having someone else step in and rescue me. i went for a very late lunch with shahnur, despite the protests made by people who do not want me to eat and insist i should be dieting. bloody hell. even people on diet eat okay.. i know vlad certainly would not stop me if i wanted me eat. hed encourage it and ignore the pleading stereotypes. what a man eh? thought id put in a more positive word for him this time since he kind of terasa, ehehe.. having said that i know its only going to annoy him further. sometime in the middle of lunch, i saw ramone walking by with someone i cannot help but assume is his girlfriend, since they were holding hands.. mon dieu was my reaction because she was.. well.. lucky i guess, for lack of better words. put some things in perspective for me about double standards and the definition of beauty. did me a world of good to have my feet back on the ground and my head out of the clouds. i feel like ive grown a little today, in terms of very warped mentality. as a good friend said to me, i dont know if this is an appropriate new years wish in the world of the normal people.. lighten up. what better time than now, eh? .: 2:23:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, Januar 9 :. its been a long time since i posted some of those silly online quiz results. upon stumbling on a number, i decided to take them just to console myself that nothing has changed and im still the loafer that thrives in wasting time. all these people losing touch with their online journals, one of them i think i managed to talk out of but is still on hiatus.. i know vlad would smirk at me and say annoyingly annoying things if i were to bring up a contemplation of quitting the blogging scene. so ill just stick with it for now and see how many continue to come be confused by my... "let's see, intellligent girl who writes undecipherable stuff suffering from a case of stuttering confidence? tsk tsk." yes right now i am finding it difficult to come to terms that i spent a few hours having reaper talk me into all that mushy stuff, pine -not the tree-, settling down happily ever after in the shire, birds singing. again. but above all making an effort. i never do. id like to make a time capsule. except i dont want it to be just a capsule. i want a lot of storage space to put all my stuff with their sentimental and historical value and organize them with an inventory list. some things could be worth a lot say.. 10 years from now? for all we know those anxiously awaited flying cars will be taking up air space and i could sell a mcflurry plastic cup to the mcdonald museum for a couple of thousand buckaroos. maybe millions but i wouldnt wanna be pushy. its not like im selling them a dinosaur egg. mmh.. time to make an omelette. btw, my hidden sexual talent is  everywhere! wow.. talk about an ancient form of cleaning during a kemarau season. dont leave out the back of my ears, please. .: 4:52:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Januar 8 :. rain rain go away.. for the first time the weathers schedule clashes with mine. not that i normally repel rain but, it was getting heavier by the minute after class. it would have been so nice to hibernate in such conditions. instead i was stepping around puddles and heading towards measly shelter, all while desperately seeking out a free ride. im glad to say after recovering from my ailment, i had a very decent night of sleep, drugged it would seem but it was not.. no dreams, no interruptions, no humming mosquitoes. even if there were, i didnt hear a thing. so i got out of bed rather energetically, only to have my spirits dampened by talk of various rapid prototyping methods and internshit issues (no typo there). i shall have to become a maid in order to obtain 3d modelling tutorials from the best i know. as it is i have pending tasks which include making a workable submarine sorta thingie to be tested the coming monday, if the insides get wet it means i am a failure. then theres the complementary colours presentation; taking me back to my alpha days zzz... got myself quite a deal on a magazine subscription, this months issue of computer act!ve and popular science for free, ive never felt so geeky in my life. its cool to check out the latest in gadgets and gizmos, especially without the 1:100 scale of device:model chick in scanty clothes like how they do in stuff. it is so distracting. the guys love it of course, could probably use the whole tech mag concept as an excuse to drool over the chicks. i want to be rich so i can buy all these awesome toys and play with them, and buy the upgraded ones when they come out.. ah such an expensive hobby. .: 12:41:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, Januar 7 :. Boe! non lo stesso dichiarare una vacanza per oggi.. ha avuto un'emicrania al primo pochi minuti che sono durati finché albeggia, posso sentire tuttavia che il palpita nella mia testa ma la sua paranoia probabilmente giusta del dolore sono passato attraverso. ho lanciato anche su tre volte, come lo steven chiesto; lo sono il youre sicuro incinta. gli ho detto avere di im il mio periodo cosí il bimbo si suicida probabilmente. buffo, il mio senso spontaneol'umore è .: 1:32:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, Januar 5 :. Time's arrow, we are told, is a one-way thing. . . Memory's arrow, like the needle of a compass too close to a lodestone, spins in all directions.
- Russell Hoban, "Amaryllis Night and Day" - sometimes i find myself having lived blind, in a thick sandstorm.. eventually the dust settles. and you see things you never wanted to even dream of seeing. the signs just seem to keep on coming, one after another.. i got this in a forwarded e-mail: The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored. or to be forgotten. i find much fugly truth in that, it arouses the ancient fears i have had and brings about nothing but emotional distress. i do not recall having been away from this virtual world but today seems to bring about a number of reunions and new martian which speaks english, how nice it is to discover i have a secret fan all the way over in australia. certainly its no big deal.. but at least there is something to be light hearted about. i finally gave my very delayed simman presentation, after the lotek gps tracking one which i enjoyed researching if it werent for the turn off of ink shortage when the time came to print my work out. papa returned like a hero with the refilled cartridge that morning, before driving me and my sister back to our respective studying institutions, places whatever.. ive always felt so alienated when it comes to my siblings, theres four of us but somehow when gifts come or food etc. they come in portions of three and its just so obvious whos left out. a lot of people dont seem to know i exist until they see this out of place person tagging along with the family. i usually just say im adopted or something as equally lame but at the end of the day it still sucks. While you were gone we temporarily deactivated your account. All account content such as messages, folders and addresses have been cleared. An account is temporarily deactivated when either: (1) you have not signed in for at least 30 days (2) you did not sign-in within 10 days of registration or activation (3) you chose to close your account in the last 30 days To reactivate joel_kyle@hotmail.com please click reactivate account. wtf. i had prepared myself for shitloads of spam and junk mail.. but not in a million years this. i could.. wait. lose hope. bawl my eyes out. sink into despair and feed myself to whatever lives in there. forget it and pretend nothing ever happened. too little is left of what remained.. too late is it to make amends. did i mention how much i hate hotmail? .: 9:30:00 PM :. woe emerges from its burrow and says to me most heart wrenchingly, "i think its better to have tried and failed, than have never tried at all." then the dam breaks. and the flood begins. when i close my eyes, i see a garden. theres too much light and it tinges everything with gold. spit comes running out of nowhere and mario follows. it hardly differs from the countless other times ive seen it in my mind. youre somewhere in there, i know you are. but i dont know where are you. its beautiful. its also not real. if theres anything i remember well, its you. the wedding. the ring. vito. if i could come back to this day as someone else it would be that adopted blonde haired baby boy. simply because hes the one person who gets to be with you always. no matter what. its so hard. i could tell a hundred persons and none of them would understand me. when will this day dream fade away? when will surreality lose its grasp on me and allow me to float back to the harsh world of flesh and blood? what if its me that wont let go.. because all this is not worth giving up. everything else is nothing compared. but then again, i hear you whisper those forsaken words in my ear.. its not real. something inside of me has died. .: 2:29:00 AM :. .: Samstag, Januar 4 :. an 11 course meal topped off with chocolate ice-cream cake. i wonder if i would live so long to see a similar scenario of generations after me, celebrating my birthday. what wishful thinking that be.. it was weird because hours before this, i cuddled up to my pillow and everything seemed so wrong. it just went on and on, wrong wrong wrong. i felt ashamed of myself. for reasons unbeknowest to me. no. i knew what.. i just dont have the heart to list it all out here. i knew i was in for another bout of depression.. but i had a dinner to attend and look happy and stuff. the prospect of free alcohol perked me up a little, upon arriving and seeing my cousins.. it also cheered me up to see most of them dressed down and wearing dark colours. you know how chinese elders detest dark and bleak colours. i dont know if it was a good or bad sign that the waitress asked my sister who is a whopping seven years younger than me if she wanted a wine glass but neglected my presence... i ended up having 3 glasses anyway and tolerated the abusive jokes and remarks about how flushed my face was. i wouldve liked more but there were only two bottles and at least 20 people. it started off with four seasons, sharkfin and crabmeat soup, roasted piglet with clam paus, a very abnormally yellow chicken, yummy steamed fish, claypot sea cucumber with mushrooms, assam prawns, some weird sauce stir fried crab, wan tan mee without the wan tan and sea coconut for dessert. i cant remember what is the one missing dish but it was probably a mixed vegetable thing. i dont know how long i stayed tomato-faced but i managed to get out of the restaurant without tripping or falling down the stairs. went back to my grandpas house and while waiting for the rest of the party to return, i gave the parched plants some generous drinks of pipe water. at this point im bored and dreading the return to school and my unfinished homework. i should probably finish my research, print it, watch the 2nd disc of that movie with the actress i dont really like and start packing. .: 7:43:00 AM :. .: Freitag, Januar 3 :. Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a mighty bloodless substitute for life.
- Robert Louis Stevenson - my temper has been on the edge of late, i cannot seem to catch and hold it down.. hence the rather rude way of speaking and disrespectful tone all of a sudden. its all a mood swing really.. ive never marked the calendar for when it comes and goes, but with much impatience i find myself expecting its arrival yet watching an empty corridor. there be no reason for it to be late.. or have cancelled, there is no way i am with child, nor that suddenly something other than blood flows within my veins. so i wait.. while the waiting takes it toll on me and i feel like i have just breached adolescence, and never has that been further from the truth. i spent five hours on the bus to get back home for my grandfathers birthday. two buses actually, thanks to the marvellous rain which accompanied me throughout the whole journey.. speed was delayed and time stalled. i couldnt sleep a wink, little do i know why. a million questions echoed in my mind.. a little short of a thousand answers feebly answered them. it was raining and it was dark. i could not read any poe, neither could i say much for the scenery as all i could make out were the black outlines against a slightly less dark sky. i tried to figure out how many minutes it took to get how many kilometres, since the bus seemed to be hovering over the slick wet highway. anyway that didnt hold my attention for long. i concentrated on breathing, in case i frozed into a living fossil.. watching the sky light up for brief intervals thanks to the streaks of lightning which appeared out of nowhere. if there was no lightning, i wouldnt have known it was raining to begin with.. since the glass is tinted with dirt or something. the rain water branches out like how watery paint does when blown with a straw. an elderly indian woman is seated in front of me, she provides most of the entertainment for me with unpredictable sleeping poses. ive never known anyone who uses the blinds/curtains as a pillow against the window, or sleeps in two adjoining seats with the soles of their feet up against the window.. which has contributed to my awareness of how unhygienic public transport is. no more leaning against windows. blinking to get the effects of a stroboscope with my own pair of eyes, short-lived ripples distorting the reflection of fluorescent light bulbs.. after filling an empty stomache and cleaning up a little, i retired under my beloved blankie with the nagging thought that i had carelessly forgotten to bring eB along with me.. jacques demys the umbrellas of cherbourg. "absence is a funny thing..." geneniéve says. sings actually. so it is. some say it makes the heart grow fonder.. others say the heart wanders.. i wonder why i feel no interest for french, even though i know it is used in canada.. i had answered negatively towards aristrocrats and fashion. how typical? i begin to worry about the days to come. and how i am living them one after another. what the romanian said plays repeatedly in my head.. "there is nothing beautiful about me". .: 1:33:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, Januar 1 :. so it has passed, the cross over of a completely new year. the time for making resolutions so you can break them and turning over a new leaf. lets see what i chose to do on this stroke of midnight so many find so much reason to celebrate..
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