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.: Dienstag, April 29 :. Relationships i have this friend who shares the same surname as i do, shes rather petite and wed regard each other as cousins due to many similarities family-wise. i was never really close to her however, we had an okay friendship, sometimes she tells me things i dont ask to know, mainly because i do however know the protagonists in her tale. she has this boyfriend whom we used to eye in chemistry tuition, back then he wasnt her boyfriend yet. we nicknamed him chucky because of the spiked up hair, glasses and well.. non-related piercings. hes cute. the years go by and they land in a long term relationship, punctuated with the occasional break ups followed by lengthy reunions. shes always on the look-out for someone better. he only has eyes for her. despite everything going against the odds, i thought id receive a wedding invitation from them. somewhere deep down i still think i might. there isnt any cosmic-meant-to-be elements between them. i dont know how they got together. i dont know how they lasted so long. one word: compromise. chucky is a mans man kinda guy. we were supposed to get dreadlocks together. me and him, now we have quite a number of things in common. but you know what they say.. opposites attract. given the choice id rather hang out with him than her any day. hes laid back, casual, a lot of the things she doesnt really like about him. she wants to grow up real fast, be fashionable, hip and happening sort of shit. makes comparisons with his friends girlfriends, complaining shes not as chun. i make her sound like an airhead because she is one. bitching, shopping, bimbo-poseur wannabe almost all the way. these people can be intolerable at times. theyre also the ones with super nice boyfriends. i cant really be on his side because in some screwed up sense of the word friend, the weight is heavier on her side. that and im not a guy. i got a call from penang, with a short update about his situation. after hanging up i seriously considered talking some sense into her, but a recorded voice tells me im not getting a response from the number i dialled. ho hum. its a predictable end (if this is the end) to their relationship, he drives but she demands that her route be taken. i heard the reason its over is because he lacked ambition. at the same age, well.. yes he does lack ambition. when put next to her. maturing is one thing. acting and looking like youre matured is another. she thinks shes got everything under control. she wants to hang out with the cool people. my image consultant would rather see me that see her. the guy she had a fling with went to the extent of avoiding her because she turned all possessive. if she is as easy to read as i think she is, shes wishing so hard she could get someone equal to chucky and more so she could step onto the next stone. until she finds the pedestal. you wish there were so many nice men out there for the taking. theyre both blind. it started with a physical attraction anyway. he loves her blindly. she stopped loving him a long time ago. shes stuck with him because she cant find anyone else who could put up with her like he does. or did. it was perhaps, to quote my childhood friend; for convenience sake. after all hes quite a looker, hes sweet enough to remember anniversaries and layan her pussy pov, hes family-approved, he bears with her type of music = oldies, the carpenters and what not. chicks like these usually give the excuse theyre bored. more than anything else. just like how my childhood friend messed up with milo. you dont know what you got till its gone. i think im just jealous that ive never had the luxury of having a nice, boring guy who provides, loves me and noone else. after all i didnt grow up to be as cute as the baby pictures. life is full of surprises. before you grow up, colourful manipulative commercials get all your attention. after you grow up, the quality of the product is all that matters. those require more sacrifice too. welcome inside a social-defunct. .: 10:57:00 AM :. hou leng aa.. got off the phone with mi, which was an esteem booster after finding out my aunt has been containing her enthusiasm about how i dressed for my first interview. lol. yes apparently i have never looked so good in my entire life.. and now im all ready to be soked in the office. riiiight la. lets hope the guy from kdu will be cute. i love those gray slacks. they hide my saddle bags *smirks* this overwhelms the comment that i have a double chin, which i am still in denial of. the whole dressing-for-work thing hit everyone like a brick on the head, vlad did nothing to hide his surprise when i told him i wore a skirt and heels today. thank you image consultant for changing me into something people take a second glance at, not that i crave the attention but hey im human. but would you mind not making it so obvious that people are checking me out? i get overly self-conscious when you do *blush*. woke up at 8 from a rather restless night, did everything i had planned to do, started walking towards the bus stop about ten minutes before 10am. come to think of it, i have never walked anywhere.. not even indoors, in a skirt and heels. so i walked a good kilometer or less, discovered i cant walk on grass because the heels sink into the wet soil, gave the indonesian workers ample opportunities to whistle and tease me while i calculated how i could walk and yet not have my skirt ride up my legs. i was very wary of my situation, and it was a struggle throughout the day.. keeping my legs together when i sat, being extra careful with steps and trying not to walk like julia roberts in pretty woman, in short a whore.. as sheral commented when she finally saw me. those things hurt, and when you finally take them off after hours of walking in them, your feet feel like they werent made for level ground anymore. das offered to give me a foot massage. how nice. these damn buses are so unpredictable i ended up half an hour late for the interview, had to take the lrt after getting off at pasar seni. sheral walked me right to the doorstep of the company and in less than 15 minutes inside, i was hired and pretty much done with the day. i even had one of the staff tell me my work is professional. happiness comes in so many forms. i mentioned to my interviewer about the man from india and it turns out he is the same one, but he isnt working there anymore so.. *phew*. funny that man should test me on colour sense when im being told he doesnt have any. after the short interview he was nice enough to walk me out to find my friend who had pulled a disappearing act, and reminded me that i had met him once during a mamak session in puchong, back when i still lived there. i barely recognized him in all the formal attire. it takes so little to make a man look good. anyway it is true sheral has done me a huge favour, call it your birthday present she says. i activated my new bumiputra commerce atm card and discovered i have a little over 6k sitting in that account. where did it come from? who else. after having lunch with her and her new squeeze, we went our separate ways. things are swell. gollum got two interview offers pending, and im confident he will bag at least one. as a matter of fact the one at the university incubator allows him to work at home! the only downpour other than the one happening outdoors right now would be my cgpa, results are finally out and ive dropped from a 3.23 to a 3.17, no thanks to human-machine interaction which i thought i would be getting an a or at least a b. but noooo.. heck. give and take la, kan? .: 6:42:00 AM :. .: Montag, April 28 :. She kept asking me to tell her i love her, and we both knew why. it was a quarter past three when sheral informed me about the vacancy where she is going to start work. i called and talked to the person in charge and we set an appointment for tomorrow. actually she more like pestered the guy and stuff.. stuff noone needs to know about *ahem* surfing through the company website however i discovered the creative director is the same man as the one who had interviewed me on friday. argh. i finally finished the damn test and triumphantly comforted myself with the thought it is not midnight yet, thus it is still very much monday. the day it is due. unfortunately, his damn email address keeps throwing my sent attachments back at me, failing to go through all three times i tried to send it in vain. wake up early tomorrow, call the stupid office and ask where to send my technical test so i can know whether i qualify to be hired or not. after doing then, do not so much as think about having a cigarette, dress up and go for the interview at kerinchi. wherever the hell that is. good plan. it still puzzles me how the man can work at two separate companies which are not even listed as partners. weird. yes ive come to live with the fact i cant avoid the ever present crowd of kelings in my life. screw it. if all else fails i guess i could go to penang and take up that bartendress (if that word exists) job with a 4 digit pay. it would be interesting.. especially since i have no experience in that field at all. probably have my wages halved with a lot of broken glass. i dont really want to travel half across the state twice daily for 7 hour shifts. ladies night at modestos doesnt appeal to me either. *yawn* i am supposed to go over to have some vodka with the monkeys, but by their no response status i guess they already drank and are drunk. nothing to do.. might as well sleep. work sure makes me dull. i shall leave thee with suffering through bad user interfaces, absent navigational guides, mentally disturbing imagery and audio, non-linear presentations, impossibly huge resolutions made for 70% blank space, going round in circles for lack of realization what you have clicked or where it leads, eventually you realize little hints fighting for your attention, luring your cursor, last but not least.. ah its so sickening i have lost my climax. see thats what it does to you, lost and never found. dont they consider their audience for crying out loud. packaging is nothing if people cant get it open to see the contents. somehow it all seems to fit very well with the movie title 'murder by numbers' which had nothing to do with numbers. wtf is responsible for these things? .: 8:52:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, April 27 :.
what a coincidence. my entire blog is verdana. i think. got this from her last night but was too brain dead to make a post. you know you smoke too much when your lungs hurt. i still havent done the stuff i need to do for the technical test. about time i started too. ho hum. its a sunday night and im applying for irrelevant jobs like translator vacancies on jobstreet.com.my. its quite addictive, since everything is so user friendly after you go through the tedious process of completing the very detailed online resume. i cant even decide what is my highest level of education since im an under graduate and since pre-u we havent had any diplomas or what not. my university sucks. i just got the contact for motorola, no harm in trying since its right next door. i envy the whiz kid who is faking his internship at shanghai while visiting local beaches. how weird can it be applying for draughtsman vacancies, i even found one located in ipoh. a lot of people are complaining that their job doesnt teach them anything relevant to their studies. i seriously couldnt care less. making coffee isnt that bad. i just want to lame around everyday. not work on important projects by myself with deadlines peering over my shoulder. i had lunch with gollum today. hes getting thinner and thinner. then i followed him back to the monkeys apt to see how the rest of them are doing. watched some animations, porn and the x2 trailer. rogue sucking face with iceman, deathstrike making yet another lusty impression with the guys since the previous kelly hoo-haa after the scorpion king. sometimes i wonder what will happen to the world if we all had the looks and everyone was simply gorgeous. nah thats never going to happen. life would be too monotonous then. i helped gollum clear up the floor space in his room, the slob complains its so messy he has to curl up on a square of unoccupied parquet to sleep when all the stuff lying around could have easily been put aside. thats what slobs do i guess. im sleepy and breathing hurts. what should i do first; sleep then test, or test then sleep.. geez i dont know how am i going to work with this kind of attitude. *zzz* .: 8:49:00 AM :. .: Samstag, April 26 :. ¼ pound of beef. the quarter pounder is.. for lack of better words; beefy. finally after weeks of craving for mcdonalds, i had the junk for lunch. it wasnt as satisfying as i thought it would be. the french fries didnt get me overjoyed either. the food chain is like that i guess, if you dont end up eaten, you die of sickness or old age or accidents anyway. i used to be one of those people who annoy meat eaters back when i stuck to a somewhat vegetarian diet, but if anyone has read the sound machine by roald dahl, its no different from vegetarians. something or rather. there has to be a solid reason why they disallow us to walk on grass o_0 reflecting the internshit mess i got myself into, and regretting my ignorance of the motorola office right next door. its not all bad. free lodging and meals. big screen tv and the premanent presence of people. sort of like.. going back to civilization. i got good ol' cris willing to chauffeur me around petaling jaya. little pick me up things like that. better get started on my technical test *sigh*. them_funky_donuts: i wanna go to the zoo dude them_funky_donuts: i wish we didnt have to be bothered with the intershit them_funky_donuts: woo bad pun raewbyddet: sigh raewbyddet: zoos are evil raewbyddet: those animals shud be running around wild raewbyddet: freedom dude raewbyddet: FREEDOM! 
them_funky_donuts: but dude animals there dont get hunted down them_funky_donuts: they r not in danger of being eaten by other animals them_funky_donuts: they get fed n stuff raewbyddet: but no freedom! raewbyddet: imagine you can only see a couple of chicks them_funky_donuts: n they r there probly becoz of some accident raewbyddet: they might not even be chicks them_funky_donuts: not caught raewbyddet: or you have to be gay cuz they didnt get you any chicks raewbyddet: and its like raewbyddet: caged raewbyddet: no sex life raewbyddet: lame controlled diet them_funky_donuts: if there was no chick in the world id kill myself raewbyddet: see raewbyddet: zoo animals are suicidal them_funky_donuts: 
them_funky_donuts: its a sad sad case raewbyddet: hell yea. them_funky_donuts: this world is so sad them_funky_donuts: so...saadd...  .: 2:32:00 AM :. .: Freitag, April 25 :. He asked, "Do you play street soccer?" i gather my first experience with new things do not turn out normal most of the time. judging by a question like that in a job interview, my ship barely touched the tip of the iceberg. nasty. i dont know if i want to remember all this. 3 interviewers for over an hour. as if i want to work at their stupid company forever. its just three months ok? and if youre not going to pay me then screw you and your incomplete pending projects that require creativity. the first man was very nice and friendly, unfortunately the bitch that came after him and the sculptor from india were not as pleasant. go ahead and discourage loser me from thinking theres any chance of getting hired. ive never heard of a procedure called technical testing, till today that is. i foresee heavy workload and low wages. theyre going to squeeze me dry. to push or not to push. perhaps i should approach other companies. i dont know if i want to be stuck with a racist attitude until august. or live with my relatives in damansara throughout that time. this is what happens when you dont drive your own ass around or pull your weight. why wont nokia hire me. ah wtf, i really dont want to go into detail about it. my ship has sunk to the bottom of the ocean. no i dont play street soccer. itd be cool to wear bundle clothes to work though. eight hundred down the drain. welcome to the rat race you pathetic tub of lard. somebody please marry me. ill learn to be a good wife, pretty please? im displaying multiple personalities. this cant be good. .: 7:59:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, April 24 :. C is for Cuddly three days more or less since the last post, possibly the longest ive been away. other than the traumatizing two day pocket burning events, i cant quite think straight. the bottom two of my wisdom teeth are emerging, couldnt eat without wincing but that was monday. unless i am dehydrated it doesnt make so much of a fuss. i left home on tuesday because i needed professional help, and somehow despite me not wanting to burden anyone with my incapabilities to function as a socially-acceptable human being, strange twists of fate seem to point me in that direction. im going to try painfully to keep three days worth of psycho-analytical notes to myself and briefly sum up what happened. during the weekend a certain sia stewardess came back to the hometown, fashionably dressed as a goth carrying a dead animal, after countless corny sars-related jokes. neither me nor my childhood friend could recall her name and i knew but one person who would surely know the answer. my image consultant. one thing led to another and we made plans for her to take me shopping. because heaven forbid, i am in no condition to do it on my own. neither do i know anyone who would be able to do a better job than she can. its really difficult to not have low self-esteem in the presence of people like her. anyway, everything was set. the night before leaving i went on a short whirl with mcf, ending up eating lamb chops at midnight. weed = munchies. no thanks to ex-husband, im spoilt i tell you. people treat me too good. dont wanna suck on the bong? here ill roll you a joint. shibby. i decided to meet up before lunch with my lesbian friend since i havent seen her the whole time i was back in town, caught up with updates of her circle of friends, including a hilarious mugging story starring eva. i accompanied her for lunch too, she had pork mee. damn i miss that stuff, had it the next day somewhere near help institute. image consultants roomie had wa tan hor. said it was because i mentioned it the night before. funny how influential we can be on each other without realizing it. okay, so much for staying off the psychological side of the story. i got off the bus at about 5.30pm, tuesday, right smack after office hours. had to take a cab over to meet up with my image consultant, her name is mavis to help me speed things a bit, paid freaking rm10 to get to kl plaza. i needed to piss and fag badly, she turned out to be in two headline salon, wtf i just found out its called that by referring to the rm50 bill. with which i got scolded for cutting my own hair, had them turn my hair into twigs with two washes, lengthy blow drying and a very hot straightening iron. the perk? they let you smoke while they do your hair. hahaha. fricken A! also my hair was side parted and straight for the rest of the night. i left out the part where stylist shaved off half my eyebrows. geez. the lecture about how females should treasure their youth.. nyanyanya. my hair is back to its unruly state, a lot shorter than before. oh well. i cant recall the night after the hairdo, omfg how could i not. the triumph "trauma" fair at isetan. or lot 10. i do not know the difference. i told mavis if we meet again in the next life or something, id really appreciate being her daughter because having a mother like her would guarantee a babe of a child. apparently its obvious i am right C and left B(+), but all this while i never thought of myself as a C. like no freaking way. ah yes denial mode is on. forked over another rm150 there, headed into u2 for nothing, got a pair of strappy open toe sandals at vincci for rm50. declared bankruptcy. that was pretty much the end of tuesday, pestered to be let into esquire kitchen for dinner before following both image consultant and roommate home. i felt like a lost puppy. the chicks had morning classes early the next day but somehow we ended up talking for hours; mainly about people from high school. i guess it could be considered as bitching. somehow lying there in the dark made me bring up old sob stories about roland zechariah tan yen loong. memories. i refused to wake up when wednesday morning arrived, smses and calls falling upon deaf ears. my ears have a hidden off button somewhere, unfortunately i do not know how to manage the switch. all the same, the cleaners gave me a bloody hard time catching up on sleep with their vacuum cleaners. originally i had intended to meet up with the leaping lizard from the real madrid vs. barcelona match, to kill time while waiting for mavis to finish her classes at 4pm, but instead they took me out for lunch and i ended up sitting through two law tutorials about tort and easement. the word tort originated from the Latin word 'tortus', which means twisted. the class was interesting enough, i recognized the word defamation at least. all the students are acquainted with each other and humourous, who wouldve expected law students to be like that? after the first session we went for a ciggie break at the fire escape stairs, got busted by some superior in the department.. not that i gave a shit since i dont have anything to do with help institute. after all that easement stuff, we took a cab to midvalley and started the serious shopping. it was raining buckets as we stood outside, smoking her reds since i left my dunhills at her place. i lost track of the spending here, it was furious for all i can say. i love the knits in romp. knits are comfy. im going to move somewhere cold so i can wear knits all the time :P we went everywhere, g2000, nose, esprit, pdi, labelsz, the body shop, even jusco. lol. those are only the places i made purchases in. it was a form of madness for me. ive probably never spent as much time in dressing rooms my entire life as i did the past two days. what am i going to do when she flies off to uk in august. damn. oh wait, ill be back in school then. hurray for school. this is a really long post revolving around shopping. then again i dont usually do any, so might as well grade it an experience of a lifetime. sigh. went back to her place to drop everything off and pick up a very disorientated roommate who just got back from the law department, which is said to be haunted, before going to bangsar for supper. like we really need the late night calories -_- wednesday night, ive been wearing the same t-shirt since tuesday morning. got out of the taxi and who do i spot; my childhood friends model friend. i dont feel all that comfortable around her, so kept it short and said bye. i dont really know what that street jam packed with tables and chairs is called, the nasi lemak ayam panas or whatever came in brutal quantities, she ordered a bowl of tom yam to go with it, event company recruits going from table to table asking if they could take a digital photo of peoples eyes. a short while after the food arrived, the leaping lizard with his slinky friend kenny walked towards our table, trying to wade through the sea of chairs with their long legs. i was too caught off guard to react at all. i saw him, he saw mavis, then he saw me, flashing that smile of his. i didnt return the smile or say anything. he patted me on the shoulder and said 'see you later'. and i still didnt say anything. sometimes i wonder if my brain really slowed down that much. i didnt hear my phone, otherwise i wouldve received his sms promptly after seeing him go by. instead i read it an hour later at lotus. i need to hang out with people like chor and chen, who are completely secure about who and what they are. they make me appreciate my big bones. i came home today only to discover max is terminally ill, called the company i was supposed to have an interview with and discovered the appointment has been cancelled, and had a really disrespectful and pathetic conversation with my interviewer. rescheduled it to tomorrow, anytime during office hours he says, at a location i have but a slight clue how to get there. i havent brushed my teeth since tuesday morning, i dont know how i am going to pass my hair off anywhere close to neat, my lack of a backbone has me doing the dependency act all over again, my childhood friend calls me and we talk for half an hour only to conclude that i should be made up for the interview, but my image consultant is an hour away ;_; i feel totally unprepared to meet the man i so graciously did myself the unforgivable favour of embarassing my supposed-to-be-flawless image since he doesnt know the first thing about me. and yes i still hope to be hired. my mind is my greatest weakness. it plays me like a fool. i watched the sequel to final destination till 4am. suffered chronic anxiety till dawn. and congratulations you sick owner who cant even give poor max a decent burial, a death in the family is no way to prepare for a job interview. bummer. approximately rm800 burned. after all is said and done, i still have the impulse to say; whutever, man. .: 8:49:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, April 20 :. Ice used to tell me how Fluffy reacts towards catnip; running around all hyped up to the extent of bouncing off walls. damn i feel like that right now. if it were raining any heavier, id probably go get drenched for no reason i can think of. never ever consume excessive amounts of -ines that you know will do bad bad things when you should be sleeping. rem is so intense i cant spare time to blink. unless my eyes are closed. but they dont want to be deprived of sight. i am so worked up i could go on a shopping spree. doesnt make sense at 5am, dont expect to be sleeping till night falls in the next 14 hours or so. woohoo. maybe i shouldve answered high when queried between that and stoned. very high. im still sober. contradicting myself.. ookay. hmm, shouldnt have started typing. its wearing me out. perhaps the keyboard distracts me from the wild thumping in my veins and the fact i crave attention of any kind. omfg i sound like veritas during his talkative moods, which we both know when those occur ;) im rattling off symptoms of common stds to someone living down the street thru sms-ing, which is a ridiculous waste of money. i should just walk over. then again id rather go eat dim sum. hmm, good idea. i shall suggest it. im actually dealing with anxiety but who wouldve guessed? i could outlast the damn energizer bunny. oh wait.. thats duracell. lol. i just outwitted my own dysfunctional frame of mind. its easy to see why people get hooked, i dont believe anyone wants to come down when theyve tried being up, up and away. seriously, im not on anything. no, really. my biological clock is once again wounded up the wrong way and certain -ines did play a part but no i am not on illegal drugs. *smirks* i cant sleep. im sorta edgy. i wish kaninchen were awake for me to torment and tease.  look at him sound asleep. wings poised ready for flight, claws warning intruders how lethal a single swipe and flurry of scales could be, ears receptive of the slightest sound. the proud backbone softened in rest, leading to an idle tail fit for only the most majestic of all beasts. and he sleeps.. this aggressive, ferocious creature, so swift whilst slicing through the air, so full of stealth while prowling upon unsuspecting victims, eager to pounce and make the kill. he sleeps and doesnt know i watch him. or chooses to ignore my presence as it becomes when one is accustomed to tangible matter which is of no uncertainty. i love that he has everything, paws; to pin me down and keep me exactly where he wishes, feathers; having swept me off my feet yet doubles to brush me aside and make it known i am but a worthless being he tires of, talons; to rip right through me and silence my heart. yes i love him so very much. .: 2:55:00 PM :. forwarded e-mail from people i do not know In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. When you're a girl bear, you give birth to your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear .: 12:21:00 AM :. If you dont stretch, you wont pull some irony about expectations and the truth about muscles, i suppose. yesterday was rather long and quiet, it was the beloved sultans birthday and apparently there should have been a one day sales. not that i noticed anything other than the crowd. after all it was saturday. i was in the midst of catching up with my childhood friend, while changing her atm card to the new version with the chip and what not, after which we settled down at coffee bean -the one and only i might have to add- to inaugurate a new pack of cigarettes to go with the creamy ice-blends. she talked and i listened. juin dropped by after going for a dip in the hot springs and we hung out for a while. he was with his uncle, pity the smokeless situation, otherwise we would have sat there a lot longer. anyway i discovered my hometown is in fact very famous for con-artists and used to be for drug-trafficking. my childhood friend had to go back to change cars, so she came by to pick me up later, after fetching michael from somewhere. we headed off to someplace called antap for no particular reason. she used to work there and recommended the fish and chips, but the chefs have changed since then. so we invited heineken and dunhill for dinner. i didnt take the combination too well, alcohol tolerance has long since taken a dive.. what with the utterly halal place i live in. i remember michael the semi-enlightened zen believer sharing some of his backpacking adventures around this part of asia. he says, "you never know until you try" when i expressed my interest yet unwillingness to travel alone. i still dont think id be able to pull off a stunt like sitting, drinking with englishmen in a pub and not wake up the next day in someone elses bed. to put things nicely. also, as it is i do not have the money to spare for a trip like that, be it mountains are still mountains, rivers are still rivers and trees are still trees. does your mind move? its like that damned enigma, why do sausages come in 10s and hotdog buns in packs of 8s? i still dont know the answer, then again i dont care to know. he speaks thai just by visiting, a month at a time. i thinks its pretty impressive that he even knows pick-up lines in thai. he will be leaving for angkor wat next month. the only trip i had in mind at that moment was to the toilet. so i went, and felt completely shitty during the walk back to our table. i collapsed in my chair, and my ears decided to take a fiver. i couldnt hear anything. the threatening sensation to vomit only pushed me further down into the chair, i had to breathe in time with my pounding heart. i felt a lot better when my ears returned. ordered fish and chips anyway, for the sake of eating. if michael wins 13 digits for 8 million, me and my childhood friend wont have to lift a finger ever again. what are the odds of that happening ja.. we were supposed to drop him off at the snooker center but ended up going in ourselves due to the lack of anything better to do. i beat her at puzzle bobble 2, 6:4. nyahahaha.. it got boring after a while and she wanted to check out this new pub called lollypop cafe. i seriously think these people should get an outside opinion when hatching names like these. i for one was not interested in visiting the place. she was but because we couldnt find anyplace to park, i got to go home instead :) its more comfortable talking about sex now, although the details arent involved. i went to bed and slept soundly despite the headache. i still have many unresolved issues, and it doesnt seem like theyll be settled today.. grr-eat. oh btw, methamphetamine is going for rm100 for a pinch in peninsular malaysia. i guess it depends on whether you know the person whos making it.. .: 12:01:00 AM :. .: Freitag, April 18 :. A Hard Life : a film by Giuliano my dog-bitten hair scented with air pollutants, belly filled to the brim with food & beverage, i sit here in a cotton nightie printed with little flowers all over, without a clue what to do after watching the bulletproof monk. the musky smell of my beloved blankie, no doubt has been sitting in storage with mothballs all this while and a bolster. i used to love those things when i was younger. now i just find it perverse.. even though i read somewhere bolsters improve the air circulation around the sleeper, yada, yada, yada. time is at a standstill, major contrast compared to in the day where everything seemed to go wrong at the first sign of rain. i have been talking to a certain junkie a lot, demeaning as it is to call him that.. i actually find it quite endearing, him as well no doubt.. with the constant time-buying tactics when coaxing me to stay and accompany him while he is tweaking. speaking of which i could really use one of the 8 remaining gold rings stashed under my unused pillow cases. its almost two different lives i am living, a merge would be nice but lessen the variety of entertainment. then again, what does not entertain me? trickling paths of rainwater made upon fogged up glass amuse me. in a depressing kind of way. timing is everything. i was telling him about how i am semi-kleptomaniac, it amused him to no end.. i made one of my most impressive flicks today. with enough gut to open the packaging, check out the interior of the product (lucky thing i did), tear off the barcode sticker inside, dispose of sticker and packaging, then slipping the product into my pocket after carrying it around and tailing the prowling manager for a bit. i felt sinful afterwards, but no worries.. time had already pissed me off enough. i am one happy pup. anyway, he was doing /casts BLIZZARD and things like that to worsen the fact it was pouring already. i realized if i look out the window long enough, it looks like its actually raining inside my room and not outside. lol. windows are nice. even with the curtains closed at this hour yesterday, the curve of excess fabric made just enough room for a peephole; so i lay there observing the moon -again- with my myopic eyes. id say things to live up to what sad spelt backwards used to call me, a hopeless romantic and visionary.. but the truth is, it was blinding. windows allow you to watch life as it is without interfering with its natural course. i was diagnosed with a number of medical conditions in the evening, the most memorable one would be commitment-phobic, okay perhaps i cannot completely remember the rest. doctor, would you fill me in? its rather funny to be told id make an interesting psychiatric study. or that my occasional spasm was labeled as muscle-twitches :D seriously it is weird to just have part of your body spasm for a couple of seconds, out of control. hmm.. meme. bacteria feed off me like there is no other better meal. i hate them. just as i hate liars. i dreamt about rotting teeth again. very vivid, nasty sign to quit sucking on filters. sometimes i want to know how my lungs are, but i dont want to be told theyre black. ho hum. cant have the best of both worlds. like not being able to reject someone and look at them in the same way. i resent that now. i should have went along with what other people want. it would have pleased many. what is my happiness in comparison. sitting amongst couples, suffocating at the sight of their public display of affection. i cant hear the words they murmur into each others ears. i feel ashamed by one pairs disrespect towards an old woman, a beggar who approached them because they are of the same race. being well-dressed and overweight, stuffing your face with nutritionless snacks.. would it kill you to give her some coins? i hate people. ah to be forlorn on rainy days. i should .: 1:22:00 PM :. .: Donnerstag, April 17 :. minestrone soup beats england clam chowder anytime. it seems like budget food to me, consisting of red beans, the darker sort of red beans, seashell shaped pasta, small chunks of potatoes, peas and carrots. stuff like that. i think i diluted it too much to taste the real tanginess of it, especially since i split one can of soup into two meals. its interesting though. and nice with bread and butter. milk and chocolate chip cookies are a new combination ive come to enjoy. they crumble so easily when dipped into the milk. i dont understand why starving doesnt help me lose any weight. perhaps i eat at the wrong hours and sit around on my ass too often. yea thats definitely got to be it. the previous post is about the full moon last night, yesterday morning, whutever. was it obvious? i pulled the curtains back just before going to bed and found her triumphantly hanging outside the window, minus all the escorts.. just staring at me staring at her. how does something so pale, glow so bright. no matter. i think too much. i shouldnt sleep in till evening anymore. its plain wrong. the days seem to pass with no beginning or end, and a lot faster too. i spoke to a nice mr. gauthaman who set an appointment to see me next thursday. it really got my hopes up. please dont let anything go wrong. sigh. now i have the problem of refurnishing my wardrobe with appropriate clothing instead of these bundle looking apparel i wear day in and out. tried to locate my childhood friend. shes out partying as usual. shes looking forward to seeing me back in our hometown. misses me she says. and here i was wondering if i did anything mortally wrong. maybe I am mortally wrong. ive been sitting in the closet with broom and dustpan today. waiting for someone to come by and open the door. its kind of stuffy in here. i miss kaninchen already. especially after yesterday :( i feel like the worse person alive. i think he hates me. someone called me paranoid delusional, i think it was the infected mushroom over at sixthseal.com. i want to go to the beach. itd be nice to stand at the edge of the water and let the tide ebb over my toes, washing all my troubles away.. .: 12:43:00 PM :. .: Mittwoch, April 16 :. The bright side of insomnia specks of shining sand decorated the vast stretch of emptiness beyond reach. many things entice from afar but appear no less ordinary up close. masks deceive eyes that wander from where they should be glued. thoughts dive into dark abysses with no hope of return. everything is bleak, perception is clouded. a shoal of recherche forms float by.. leisurely taking their time, trails of lullabies paused in streams. she glides with smooth requiem, carried along with the flowing direction to nowhere. the current is gentle and does not distract her luminousity, the halo of light upon her brow smiles down upon everything in sight, animating each object with her invisible touch. the world is enliven by her full presence in the night, despite the merciless particles within an hourglass.. rushing the chariot with a hue of that portion of the visible spectrum lying between green and indigo. soon, it shall all be over. barely recalled. like the dismal effort of a wave crashed upon the shore.. .it will be no more. .: 1:59:00 PM :. Impia tortorum longas hic turba furores Sanguinis innocui, non satiata, aluit. Sospite nunc patria, fracto nunc funeris antro, Mors ubi dira fuit vita salusque patent. Latin to English translation: The impious crowd, not satisfied, here nourishes long furies on innocent blood. Sustain now, fatherland, the cave of death having been broken. Where death was fierce, life and salvation are manifest. cheers to those of you whom recognize this latin quatrain composed for the gates of a market to be erected upon the site of the Jacobin Club House at Paris. my first meal of the day consisted of one red and a lot of smoke. it went down pretty bad, i could sense the exact spots i would probably get cancer if i do get cancer.. swallowing to ease the dryness at the back of my throat. they say smoking various brands of cigarettes increases your chances of cancer. die la like that. i would like to thank you for being so kind as to letting me steal precious bandwidth and host my ridiculous graphics. note to self: no more crappy pictures. no more violating the privacy of whispers. erm.. maybe no more quizzes -but i like!- perhaps one day i shall stop punctuating my sentences altogether and just let it flow like a smooth calm river disguising the savage crocodiles beneath. i had originally wanted to post a drawing today, but i shall save it till next week. to test my determination of eluding my hearts desire. it never worked before. i dont know why i think it will this time. my ears are stuffed with thorns and spikes, but my mind continuously brushes them aside with excuses, reasons.. all for the sake of your innocence. i reckon i am too nice to you. but at the same time i am a flitting nothingness so it does not count towards your cumulative scoring chart. ah how well i deal with inner destruction these days. its like its not even there. i can run, i can hide, noone will find me in my dark corner watching the shimmer of a spider web.. peering at the fly that led me and awaits the spider, trashing and ruining the finely woven threads. theres only so much damage you can do before it all comes to a brutal end. i am make believe, both spider and fly. predator and prey. everything in my transparent head. .: 6:45:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, April 15 :. 
Some say you're a weed, some say you're not. But you look great as a chain. yea, i still take the time to do these silly quizzes. i guess i am just a weed. before i go drench my lungs with more british american tobacco group products, i might as well pretend to be sober and say something about today. im sad. in every way possible. i have decided to let go of kaninchen, the ribenaberry. because i dont want to feel the way i do anymore. we are so many worlds apart. i wish it wasnt like this sometimes, that i am not inwardly green.. or just believe he really loves me regardless. of everything. even me, whom he knows so little of. yet he gives up on himself, and unknowingly on me. everytime he says there is noone for him and no love, it stabs me right thru my tattered heart to know he feels that way. i am but the shadow which falls under your step when you walk with your back facing the light. non-existent when you outshine the stars around you. i still love you. despite not knowing what those words mean anymore. i never really made a big fuss about love after historical strings of events. it didnt seem practical or possible that one person was meant for you and you only, for eternity. everyone goes through trial and error, hoping to find their better half. it would be a bad experience to have loved and lost. again. like the burning embers on a cigarette, from the initial lighting with flame.. to the shower of sparks when it is stubbed out. otherwise it would gradually extinguish in a despair of short breaths, fighting to stay alive.. knowing it slips into death. ashes to dust. i feel surreal. like how the stinging bump on my eyelid detached and was no more. or how i slept till four in the evening and called to ask if nokia was accepting interns. followed by the intention of fixing my resume which was intercepted by four bubbly lict students on a hunt for new living quarters here. thus i have still accomplished nothing so far. great. on a lighter note; i think this is my first death threat: saymawa (4/15/2003 2:55:52 PM): as the huntress catiuosly approaches the sleeping teddybwear, she dreams of how good her stuffed head will look on her bedroom wall. "Nael will love it" light as a feather. i am hungry. the bad thing about having everyone go away from this place and leave you with a uber fast connection speed is that the food shops either run shorter hours or do not open for business at all. id be lucky to get even one decent meal a day. after short enquiry, the rm170 phuket trip package also proved to be for real. im not in any mood for anything right now with all these internship issues floating about at the back of my head. mi just called and i gave her the impression everything is going well. parents need a lot of assurance when it comes to seeing their babies taking flight and leaving the nest. they want to know youll come back home. and yesterday night ed was so nice as to be poetic with me, even though he denies it. something flighty to ponder. Me (8:50 PM) : ah making ur peace with the world? Largeanus (8:54 PM) : not intentionally. it just happened. like squeezing ur toothpaste on to ur toothbrush.. u dont mean to be so painfully artsy but somehow a nice shape always comes out from the tube..maybe it just me. .: 5:52:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, April 13 :. Motion Picture Soundtrack White wine and sleeping pills Help me get back to your arms Cheap sex and sad films Help me get where I belong I think you're crazy, maybe I think you're crazy, maybe Stop sending letters Letters always get burned It's not like the movies They fed us on little white lies I think you're crazy, maybe I think you're crazy, maybe I will see you in the next life Beautiful angel Pulled apart at birth Limbless and helpless I can't even recognize you I think you're crazy, maybe I will see you in the next life Ru Awake? *miss call* Just wantd u 2 lo0k at the m0on. brilliant sight fr0m where i am It's blocked by the clouds. Saw it last night tho.. Were so far away huh. its illuminating the sky n0w. so beautiful =) just th0ught id share it wit u So romantic like that.. :p It's playing peek a boo with the clouds now. Don't you have class tomorrow? WHy is the m0on asc0ciated wit r0mance? yea hav meeting at 4pm. n0 cls tho. wut bout u? Admit it. The moon reminds you of mushy things :) my break has begun, but i have to find a company for internship. Do you love me? M0On, r0mance, i d0nt see the clear link. it reminds me of h0w insignificant we little critterz are. love? i make a miserable partner even 2 a desparate spinsta That wasn't the question. LoL. I'll take it as a no then. I know you broke up, dun mean you have to discard everything sentimental and affectionate yknow.. Its n0t a no. of c0s i do. i truly treasure u , and would d0 alm0st anything 4 u. yeah broke up. just dat i think i make a go0d entertainr at 1st butsucklaterON Aww. Would you agree the moon is romantic then? & Would you by any chance want 2 talk bout what went wrong? You sound down, putting yourself there 2. Very Rare. HAha. im n ot d0wn. im being fairly realistc. the thing dat went wr0ng wuz we spent very little time 2getha due 2 circums. there4 losing touch and shit likedat I suppose you eye-ing other chicks wasn't part of the picture? Ho hum. Brain smasher, want? :) Please fatten up, i'd lose weight if you do. Howsabouthat? haha.ok set.ill tryeating n sleepin n NO exercise. u do the opposite aight. n0 other gal or guy inv0lved. we used2 luv each other somuch ukn0w. l0ves strange. We as in you and her? I honestly wouldn't know about that. But yeah, set. Wish i could just give you all my fat, you burn it for me. Yay. U think like cd burner. just c0py? dya lo0k 4ward 2 me c0ming over again? ur initials. i want cut and paste, not copy. kinda regretted it actually. i'm listening to radiohead. want to go sleep soon. CCDD. regret is dumb. go 2 sleep princess. next time uc a beautiful sky msg me so we can share the moment aight. g'nite Regret because you din get anything on the shopping list! Sweet dreams dino. wot d heck wuz on d sh0ppin list? i went 2 u NOT expecting anythin but spending s0me time wit u and 4 a change of envir0nment. dats all You make me sound like a foreign country you went for vacation at. cept you din spend a fortune for the trip. LoL. If there ever is a next time, you owe me McDS. my left eye has a growth associated with peeping toms. i suspect so. ouch. .: 2:21:00 PM :. "Behind Doors" raewbyddet (1:10:26 AM): why din tellllll raewbyddet (1:10:30 AM): whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy raewbyddet (1:10:47 AM): at least couldve dont something! nocpleasure (1:11:10 AM): har.. we have done alot yesterday morning nocpleasure (1:11:12 AM): 
raewbyddet (1:11:54 AM): thats got nothing birthday-ish about it! nocpleasure (1:12:11 AM): well i did enjoy it alot nocpleasure (1:12:13 AM): LOL nocpleasure (1:12:27 AM): birthday-is like what cake and all.. sien raewbyddet (1:12:30 AM): LOL dude ur so weird raewbyddet (1:12:40 AM): u wanna walk to cyberpark later? raewbyddet (1:13:02 AM): bring ur camera along, the park is very pretty nocpleasure (1:13:22 AM): we do it in the mornin then, b4 sunrice nocpleasure (1:13:25 AM): lol raewbyddet (1:13:29 AM): yea nocpleasure (1:13:31 AM): ask steve to come along i dont really know why i seemed desperate to compensate not realizing it was l'anniversaire de mon ami, i did not know when it was supposed to be in the first place. maybe its because for the next 3-4 months we wont be seeing each other. its the friends that make you miss schooling days. i woke up a little before 6am, the alarm clock ringing for all its worth. i only woke up because of kaninchens call, he asked what errand i had to run, lol. i invited him along.. and he made happy noises. aww. rang up the two children and i think the younger one was dead with no response. hmph. everyone ended up going back to sleep. raewbyddet (6:02:47 AM): still wanna go? or cancel plan nocpleasure (10:00:08 AM): shit i fell asleep... i didnt get that message above until after he called me at noon to go out for lunch. a brief recollection of last night, i didnt get any sleep till after the morning walk plans. ended up going for a film and animation award night, to be honest it was the idea of free food that lured us all there. i went with the monkeys and came back with them. juin had a little chat with amir muhammad, i had my first meal of the day; Kartoffelnsalat with a piece of raw barbequed chicken, some fried rice and fried bihun, coleslaw, and really sweet air sirap. it was nice, self-service buffet style, final year project screenings, i didnt like most of the work. two i liked best. one was about a sexually abused little girl, very haunting and attention grabbing. her small voice crying in malay, "ayah.. sakit, ayah.." with accompanying imagery of a rough adult hand holding down her petite, feminine arms, was a surefire goosebump trigger. i guess they couldve made her look less like the alien workshop logo. i loved it anyway. about incest some more.. the other was more suitable for children, story telling about the chinese zodiac animals, the characters appeared to be made out of cut up pieces of paper stuck together. like the insides of pop-up books? jons song was in one of the animations. the one the guys admired the most :P the effects were great i suppose. i cant say i supported the ones which 'borrowed' tim burtons nightmare before christmas trademark, i didnt think "waste wood and powder sausage" was superb because of that. whatever happened to originality. shortly after our nicotine break, everyone started to leave for home. it was close to midnight, before we made it to the zebra crossing, juin called and suggested we go for a drink at one of the food courts. so we went, so unfortunate to have my internship coordinator find out i smoke. oh well. the f.o.c. was still going strong, juin paid for the drinks. he paid for lunch today too. it was cozy; ks drove, juin, gollum and me. to have some penang food. konon-nye la. browsing thru the price list, we concluded it would be cheaper to kiu choy, with white rice, everything is so bloody overpriced here. ordered sambal squid, sweet and sour fried chicken.. or at least thats what i think it was, teet pan tau fu, and a vegetable stir fried with garlic. i cant remember vegetable names in chinese, they all sound like the same thing to me. i wasnt hungry because i just got up. i learned popping b-complex helps keep you awake. id so rather go to sleep anytime. the bill came up to rm61.08. sometimes itd be really good to have a 24-hr convenience store around which sells alcohol, or at least one popular fast food joint which offers delivery services. i got a choc-mint cornetto chick magnet ice-cream cone for dessert. nocpleasure (1:59:50 PM): www.bornmag.org raewbyddet (1:59:57 PM): ape nih raewbyddet (2:00:12 PM): why u sending me literature related sites nocpleasure (2:00:15 PM): some cool web guess u have heard about it raewbyddet (2:00:30 PM): hmm not really nocpleasure (2:00:32 PM): u check it is using interactive media to tell a poem raewbyddet (2:01:26 PM): interesting raewbyddet (2:01:32 PM): flash poems nocpleasure (2:01:43 PM): see if u have any poem, then i do it in flash, we submit it a collaboration of literature and art. i dont think i could write poetry as good as those though, i especially liked the first one i laid eyes on. he liked brown is the new black. i also somehow messed up and watched this, to the audio of that. the mistake made the former a lot more enjoyable compared to its original condition. juin left over three hours ago. publishing is temporarily unavailable. neopets is down for maintenance. wrong in malay is pestering me about internship, even though he doesnt have a placement himself. lol. mi is getting more anxious than me, which gives me anxiety. damnit. it seems everyone has gone home or away from this place except for me, gollum and the monkeys(who are here almost all year round anyway). do i really have to do this? .: 5:53:00 AM :. .: Samstag, April 12 :. You were born with "it". You have the look, the sex appeal, the charisma. You ooze it. While wannabes end up looking like freaks, you look great simply by being yourself. Your colour: Grey Green. Here's your must-have "it" item of the year: Nokia 7210
It might change your life! but it doesnt have an integrated camera! i have officially gone nokia crazy for a while, what more since i clicked around on their contacts links and discovered their offices are right around the corner at century square. sweet. do you know what that means? i sure do. sparkly shiny glimmers of hope. after all i still have the autocad print out of my 3350. *smirks* i am a lot of talk and no action. seriously. i have to do something about it. as i type this, most of my classmates are still cracking their heads trying to answer an impossibly irrelevant and alien mores and ethoes paper. pro life or pro choice? yes or no to human cloning? wtf! to say i was born with 'it' isnt completely wrong, nothing to do with style and trends though, i just seem particularly fortunate when it comes to minimal effort for acceptable grades. imagine the power unleashed if i actually carried my weight around for a bit. whoa. pellets of rain exploded on the surface of the pre-heated tar road, they run around in small herds guided by the wind.. as particles of their purgatory rise up half a meter to form a sheer cloud, tumbling across the previously mentioned ground like ghostly cotton candy on the loose. it was near magical to behold, and would certainly have me overjoyed if it wasnt for the empty stomache and rain soaking my feet, while i adjusted myself to maximize the shield of an umbrella over my head. the stampeding drops of water were reduced to light pin pricks, striking the bare earth in percision one would perceive, judging by the neat pattern of adjoining craters covering every inch of non-flora dominated ground. there are usually dragonflies hovering the area beside the grassy plains, reminded me of the one which wished me luck before the deutsch paper, which i am expecting at least an A. i hope she gives me a +. i may have been slightly dozing off to the extent of requesting strangers to pinch me so the pain would keep me awake, but i wrote the essay in my better writing. hmm sleepy, but theres more.. i didnt sleep a wink last night for all the wrong reasons. it was funny in a strange way how things turned out. juin came over to watch survivors with a large bottle of coke, a pack of dunhill 20s and ta pao mun fan :) none of the above remained after a couple of hours, everyone thinks im a chain-smoker. woohoo. other events while waiting for sunrise included; braving the chilly air before dawn while walking along the long deserted road towards cyber park, trying to peel off the stick on letters on the signboard, him lying in the middle of the road claiming the sky looks like it is being seen thru fish-eye view, when in reality the sky is pitch black, the decision to go sit on some concrete blocks for nothing, harassing an innocent clay coloured frog desperately trying to tell us its dead by motionless body language, two frisky cats getting into foreplay, the male humping her back probably because of her misleading swaying tail,   also biting her scruff so she would lie still instead of squirming away, he lost interest or didnt like the audience(namely we) while the tabby awed us with her seduction techniques, sprawling and rolling about in front of the turned off male. the pictures arent the cats we saw this morning, but its almost the same procedure ;) the cats this morning were prettier though. i kept bringing up the possibility of getting mugged, he preferred sin kan hau sat or being abducted by aliens (i suggested bermuda triangle theory actually). instead of studying for our foreign language papers, hes taking français, i dont know why we were studying together o_o? we actually spared the time to watch both episodes of chow sing chis journey to the west; part 1:pandoras box and part 2: cinderella. im dead beat now, wondering if there should be plans tonight when im zombiefied like this. the exams are over! the thought alone has me recharged, yea right. accidentally mentioned my journal to someone on the phone and excited an originally pulau redang goer by introducing the rm170 package to phuket island. i dont even know how to swim damnit. but phuket is in thailand.. and ive never been to thailand before.. tempting.. .: 1:24:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, April 10 :. Morning smiles like the face of a newborn child, innocent, unknowing. Winter's end promises of a long lost friend. Speaks to me of comfort Wind in time rapes the flower trembling on the vine and nothing yields to shelter from above. They say temptation will destroy our love. but I fear I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here in this lonely place. Tangled up in your embrace there's nothing I'd like better than to fall. i think i heard that song for the first time just now while trying to stay awake through the final 10 minutes of 'forces of nature'. im not sure why i was watching it to begin with, i fell asleep half way through.. first time i read those lyrics from his icq user details, im surprised i recognized them being sung on video. like i need more tell-tale signs that im freaky. its like having the bastard accuse me of having fake breasts. i didnt bother to not cry after the movie ended, some romantic quote and happy endings. things are emotionally unstable for me right now. fluctuating moods. i came online in a completely foul demeanor, found an email entitled 'blabla' from gollum.. and proceeded to laugh my head off. hes the first to reply an exclusive email i sent to no more than 8 people, originally entitled; lil things about lil me. random facts about my insignificance. like how smitten i am with the nokia 7250 ad. i typed 7650 in the email though, cant remember nokia model numbers well. gollum is the best. he brings cigarettes when i need a fag, i adore the dude. i really needed the laughter. a little note regarding the previous post; i have been spending most of my time in the past 24 hours completing missions of three battles each, the goal was to finish the 5th mission and woohoo i did it. IndianaJones got beat up and converted into an invader, a sad loss, especially after i found out mission 6 has customized scorchio armour plates. sux0r. Ribenaberry is a little moehog wielding a Berserker Battleaxe, wearing a Counter Enchantment Helmet. my champions deserve a much better leader than me, i send them out with no strategy whatsoever, i didnt even care to give them proper names, just entered random words that came to mind. i hadnt thought of staging the final victory either, what with Ribenaberry starring as the hero of the day. im happy how everything came together though, made me forget all my troubles temporarily. i guess i was jumping around for joy inside as the 6'2" dinosaur had claimed a silent victory celebration after barcelona evened their score against juventus. it was a kodak moment if i ever saw one. not the goal, the leaping lizard. some things are so hard to forget. .: 11:04:00 AM :.
i love you ribenaberry *muax* .: 3:36:00 AM :. .: Mittwoch, April 9 :. the Heimlich maneuver i have a knot in my stomache. i guess you could call it the ugly version of having butterflies in your gut. ive let myself be swept away by an emotional whirlwind again. again and again and again. is there really so little hope for me that i choose to resort to this. if yes, why does it have to be this way. if no, why do i still have it this way. indeed i am the feeble mind you tease me. ive wondered endlessly why i dont mean that much to anyone, much less felt that i do if i do.. and i wonder why i never just brought myself to ask. all truth is good, but not all truth is good to say. could the answer be denied if i wanted it to be. i dont understand what is going on. i dont know who i am to you, i dont know who you are to me. i dont know why i let you come back to haunt me like a bad dream. you dont see it beneath the good front, what you do to me. how could i have hid it from you so well and wanted you to know, both at the same time? my weary heart beats so much slower than yours. maybe because of the burdens it carries, it gets heavier with every breath i take. dont get me the wrong way, i dont love you. id say i hate you for an easy way out, but i dont honestly hate you either. the exhaustion is beginning to set in, air seems to get caught at my throat. im bruised in places you cant see, my mind adrift with the odds of possibility. im choking. on you. all over again. listen, id really appreciate it if you didnt talk behind my back. can you do that for me? have a nice day. .: 10:03:00 PM :. Insomniac i had thought of spending some quality time tweaking, with html that is. either that or the curriculum vitae i wrote a year ago. i can feel both ways about the fact i havent sent out any applications yet and 92% of my batch has not handed in their confirmation letters. as gollum puts it, i need help. with my headaches. migraines. whatever you want to call them. ive been getting them more frequent than ever. and ive stopped relying on medication to ease the pain. it left after two hours of sleep which i had no record of.. time flies when youre lurking around in cyberspace. after another two hours i cannot recall; the intention to sleep became a false alarm.. killuminati (4:38 AM) : sleep well then you're not waiting for the main event? ;) me (4:38 AM) : hehehe the ribena berry? killuminati (4:39 AM) : yeah the headliner band :) me (4:41 AM) : i dont usually wait up for him intentionally.. time just passes and he appears. lol. killuminati (4:41 AM) : icic ok then how long are you going to sleep now? you keep strange hours i wonder if that's affecting your REM sleep rem sleep. i still dont really know what is it. i dont see the fuss about partitioning sleep into different stages, ive always thought freuds interpretation of the subconscious human mind to be a tad, how should i put it.. overboard? so how do you diagnose yourself as a chronic procrastinator? for starters, postponing sleep. i put it off without realizing the sun was rising and draped the exposed landscape in the most feminine hue of pink. it was 7am. i blame it on the invasion of meridell 300 bn. i am just so desperate for a medal. the afternoon has passed, it seems to flash morse code at me.. the way the sun appears and disappears amongst the clouds. if only i knew how to decipher it... .: 2:11:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, April 8 :. Ribenaberry (4:22 PM) : i feel like a ribenaberry me (4:22 PM) : hahahaahahahah! me (4:23 PM) : why do you feel like a ribena berry? Ribenaberry (4:23 PM) : i dunno must be the happy noises they make me (4:24 PM) : are you making happy noises? lol me (4:24 PM) : i never noticed ribena berries make happy noises o_o Ribenaberry (4:25 PM) : lol me (4:25 PM) : ribena berry <3 Ribenaberry (4:25 PM) : lol Ribenaberry (4:26 PM) : :) me (4:27 PM) : i like to drink ribena :) Ribenaberry (4:28 PM) : :) u can have my juices then me (4:29 PM) : LOL. i like it sweet. Ribenaberry (4:30 PM) : nods :D me (4:30 PM) : your juices sure sweet or not.. see see you reject berry Ribenaberry (4:31 PM) : u try and then u tell me lor me (4:31 PM) : just taste yourself laa ;) Ribenaberry (4:32 PM) : that would be biased u ahve to taste me :) me (4:33 PM) : ohh so now i HAVE to taste you la.. lol what if i like it too much and end up eating you entirely Ribenaberry (4:34 PM) : :) u can try sucking me dry i guess me (4:35 PM) : everything works out to your advantage eh ribena berry? Ribenaberry (4:36 PM) : wout! me (4:36 PM) : um was that a happy noise? Ribenaberry (4:38 PM) : ya me (4:38 PM) : i guessed as much :D you just have to be soooooooooooo cute Ribenaberry (4:39 PM) : :D /me bounces around like a ribenaberry some of these online chat sessions are priceless. i dont really know how i spend the hours awake till dawn, waiting for the ribena berry to come home. in the meanwhile killuminati keeps me company, telling me all the bad traits i portrayed before he knew me.. after which i turned out to be nice. the irony. we concluded first impressions are always bad among diarists, because unlike meeting someone for the first time in real life, this is exposure of who you are before knowing what you are. naturally, everyone is narcissist. i mean, who else better to write about than myself. is this not my journal? people dont take that too well since its a waste of time to know things unimportant to them. nothing new in the bad impressions department, nothing i cant live with. indeed i enjoy criticizing certain victims of my dislike, wish i could write off directly from my brain instead of having to type. then just now veritas tried to give me a bad impression on recreational drug usage, which was kind of funny. i have seen people a lot worse who arent even on any illegal substances. the kidnapper of my smurf smsed me at noon, i didnt recognize the number but he was generous enough with the clues. he messaged me simply because he thought of me. ah ive known him too long to feel anything warm or fuzzy anymore. ive never really known what he thinks of me or what are the nasty things he said behind my back. what kind of relationship was that anyway. i maintain a safe level of hostility with him, after all he wont return my smurf. its not nice to be too close to him while he has a girlfriend i think, with our history of past misunderstandings and debauchery. he didnt bother to reply me anyway. bastard. i swear if he ever does me wrong in the future, im going to sic my ribena berry on him. or is it at him.. i feel very detached from space and time, the orange glow outside my window, the glistening drops of rain water, everything i do appears to be a negative habit.. my fleeting fancies, burnt out fuse, sunken panda eyes. i never seem to follow through in the things i choose to do, the irresponsible attitude of dropping fragile objects and running away. everything is dusty and dark now, the sky lit up by lightning every now and then. thunder rumbles in the distance. the world still holds a diluted red, ive never asked myself this.. but i wonder.. how many people have lost their lives today? how many unprepared, unwilling people unexpectedly lost their lives today? the limitations god sets upon us. .: 4:25:00 AM :. .: Montag, April 7 :. fortune-telling it was ching ming two days ago, damn my examinations or i would have went back to pai san, directly translated as 'pray mountain'. i guess that phrase comes from the fact traditional chinese graveyards for the 'wealthier' folks resemble a shrine beyond the typical gravestone, and these burial grounds are found on vast hilly locations. i always had the impression if this tradition of burying the dead so luxuriously on large plots of land would eventually take up too much space on earth. i like ching ming. i have unlimited respect for elderly people, even six feet under the ground. i think its a meaningful gathering of the many generations in one family. chinese culture is baroque. i wonder who came up with the idea of burning paper money and other materialistic things for the dead. the ceremony used to be run by my feng shui uncle. a bamboo umbrella would be propped up on the main gravestone itself to shelter my grandparents (pictures actually). they were buried beside each other. the standard menu would be laid out, the kids are always given the job of scattering colourful papers on the vicinity of the graves, joss sticks would be handed out in dozens and stuck upright, outlining the curvaceous slabs of stone. eyes would tear, hard boiled eggs relished. nowadays the family doesnt pai san together anymore. everyone goes at different times. so much for the meaningful gatherings. how about a meaningful conversation about menstruation i had before dawn: me: you like? its a bad time to screw around.. my eggs are waiting to be fertilized. lol. him: mmmmmmm i like :D me: aiyer you want to knock me up. blek. him: i want you to mother my child :) me: but i dont like children :( me: omg i cant believe you said that.... me: when are we getting married? before or after the pregnancy? lol him: :) thats up to u me: omg he wants to marry me it went on with me asking inane questions and him answering them. at least he doesnt want enough kids to make his own football team. it was a nice change of mood compared to chain-smoking with gollum or trying to sooth veritas paranoia. and i had another paper this afternoon, i dont know what came over me but i felt drowsy the entire day, couldve studied a lot more than i did but i think i wrote more than enough for those intimidating paragraph set questions within question with 2-6 marks for each answer. i sat there, tugging at my hair as though it would help me remember, for two hours and i didnt manage to finish. hip hip hurray, im not one for confidence but i think i did better than a borderline pass. bell curve please give me an A! the sound of raindrops pitter-pattering on an umbrella are surprisingly tranquil, theres no better weather to snuggle up in bed for a nap than rainy days that come with foggy landscaping. but now that im awake, i ought to find something to do.. and that goes for landing myself a placement before i seriously end up extending a whole year for bumming. *sigh* people think im useless, i say what is so great about being useful. you just end up being used. .: 8:41:00 AM :. .: Sonntag, April 6 :. Shneiderman vs. Shakespeare Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone round Neptune's salt wash and Tellus' orbed ground, And thirty dozen moons with borrowed sheen About the world have time twelve thirties been, Since love our hearts, and Hymen did our hands, Unite communal in most sacred bands. pretending this hardcover copy of 'Designing the User Interface' is a page-turner, my eyes were glazing over as the chapters flew by.. then i found the excerpt above under 13.4 Coordination by Tightly-Coupled Windows. is it just me or is everything about this somewhat dirty? i never knew william had anything with numbers that impersonate mathematics. the skys water just broke. everything is getting drenched. after the amateur cookout session we had last night, i had a headache. and until now i still have diarrhea. coincidentally these are the not-so-famous symptoms of a recent plague that has been accelerating nationwide panic and many self-diagnosed cases of paranoia. a week of incubation will determine the outcome of your health. sabar itu separuh iman. not suprisingly; the most overused one word question asked meow is "why?" i may not be stricken by the disease or live in a country under missile attack, nor do i know whether to believe in nostradamus quadtrains. but i do think we took for granted the times of good health and peace. how many are truly aware of the countless tragedies happening all over the globe? i am but one person, i am here. i am not there. if i was there i will just have to live with it. because i am here i will have to try not to die of an ailment gone bad. if the worst happens, it happens. deal with it, yknow? is the living afraid of death or afraid of what comes after death? personally i think its the latter. its like arguing how everyone got the impression hell is full of flames licking at you for eternity. and heaven is made of clouds. *smirks* i am being extremely insensitive. malaysia just had an international kite flying festival. what does that say about kite-fliers concerns with on-going catastrophes? nothing much obviously. they have marvellous kites at the festival though. humongous contraptions that take a dozen people to play tug-of-war with the wind. if you took art for sijil penilaian menengah, you should remember waus were part of the syllabus. quite a desperate attempt to preserve the nations cultural heritage. i used to know an uncle Jeremiah who had a wonderful collection of kites. sharks with bared jaws, seagulls with wings that flap, box kites.. its a fading memory from over a decade ago. and at that time those things were sacred unbuyables. we moved house and i never saw him again. they dont live where they did anymore. it still puzzles me how some people do not have the common sense to understand simple physics of kite-flying. im sorry if i think people like that are plain daft, i may have barely passed my physics paper but at least i know how to fly a kite! a lot of things in life you dont learn from books or teachers. papa may be a meanie most of the time but he taught me many many things that books dont do justice to. parents are very precious human beings. i can be fooled into hating them but as long as they last, i cannot live without them. or their money :) play nice. if you look at the big picture, youd realize all these recents events are pointing to a sign carried by a homeless guy who claims the end of the world is near, whom you ignore because to you hes just an eyesore blocking the window you see life through. we brought everything upon ourselves, we humans. Through even the smallest window the eye can reach the most distant horizon. A. Bergman, Visual Realities, 1992. .: 12:25:00 AM :. .: Freitag, April 4 :. I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness makes to flow from my every part to turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile. A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding of life's secrets and hidden things. A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and be a symbol of my glorification to the gods. A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; a smile to be a sign of my joy in existence. I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I lived weary and despairing. I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the depths of my spirit, for I have seen those who are satisfied, the most wretched of people. I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody. With evening's coming the flower folds her petals and sleeps, embracing her longing. At morning's approach, she opens her lips to meet the sun's kiss. The life of a flower is longing and fullfillment. A tear and a smile. The waters of the sea become vapor and rise and come together and are a cloud. And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping to the fields and joins with the brooks and rivers to return to the sea, its home. The life of a cloud is a parting and meeting. A tear and a smile. And so does the spirit become seperated from the greater spirit to move in the world of matter and pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow and the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death and return to whence it came. To the ocean of love and beauty. ~Kahlil Gibran~ the things you never expect to find in a neopets market shop with a mutant theme. it was nice. my lesbian friend told me early this morning shes going to adelaide, australia, to work. possibly a permanent move. that cost my social life back at my hometown a big fat notch. yay more time to mope around by myself. i am home after an hour spilling buncombe in half-hearted writing on my examination booklet, i did not study much so i picked all the questions which allowed me to cock my way through. the neat stack of legal references they provided didnt help me any, i thought it would come in somewhere and save my ass but on the contrary, i trusted my story telling skills more. dashyat, as chocobo put it when he called and discovered im already back home. i hadnt planned to leave so early but someone mentioned a stalkers name, so i decided to take fate into my own hands and enjoy escapism while it still pleases me. oh yeah, while i was supposed to be diligently burying my thoughts in my endless load of law notes, i fixed up a makeshift archive. i had to manually compile it, thank goodness for search engines. the only thing missing is one week from february, as though the month isnt short enough as it is. i did the laundry, drank a cup of milo as papa ordered.. before bed last night he meant. the sensation im getting right now is almost the same as when i was squeezing my brain for any revelant memory of usable words to write for the paper, comfortable, semi-conscious.. drifting into lalaland. the furry seed stalks leaned to the right today. things dont seem as romantic when seen under the harsh light of midday sun. *yawn* blogout is still weird, it works fine on my older archives but the recent ones are kaput. im deciding on whether or not to take it down. ah, i have a brand new textbook to dissect for this coming monday and a foreign language to master in a weeks time.. my nose is getting the sniffles. time to hop into bed. .: 8:50:00 PM :. 3 jam lumbering home, tiny brown crickets hopped anxiously to get out of my way. i can only imagine what my heavy feet must seem like from their point of view. despite the days tediously slow events, i enjoyed the walk back. it was somehow liberating, a sign that other than three more written exams to go.. i have one year left to graduation. not that i have ambitious plans for when that time comes or anything, my internship is still an issue as a matter of fact, i hate myself for saying this; but i could not care less. the evening air was cool, i went along at a steady pace but still moved slow enough to notice things i dont remember seeing. the fences around the sewage tank thing had a dominating creeper plant growning all over it, what surprised me were the loud yellow flowers.. in full bloom during a cloudy evening. strange. a little further a moderate field of lalangs furry seed stalks swayed to one direction (my left) nodding to the breeze as though it were an inaudible tune humans are depraved of. such softness it emphasized, or was it me who yearned for my cozy bed and decent ten hours of shut eye? i only had three this morning, and it was too much. my nose caught a whiff of mosquito exterminating fog, i actually try to hold my breath and last the whole time it takes to move out of range. it doesnt work. i know im hungry because i havent eaten anything all day, it supresses the appetite somehow. my digestive juices are churning inside; i always wished bouts of starvation would use up the bodys fat storages. unfortunately, thats a lie if there ever was one. mmh, im falling asleep. i used up a little bit of my photographic memory to capture something else on the way home, an exotic flowering plant with cheery red buds, each extended on its own tentacle. it spread out like a fir tree, there was more than one of them, red pine cone arranged petals. okay i dont have photographic memory thus i dont really remember what it looks like right now but i tried hard to associate a word to describe it and pine cone came right after fir tree. then there were spider lillies and much much more, like that huge leafy jurassic period plant that grew up a pillar and sort of nods welcome when you walk under and past it. fascinates me. to be honest today was a shitty day. i didnt go to puchong. i didnt have any spam nor eggs. and i spent 6 hours (for the sake of exaggeration) in a stuffy room, dealing with anxiety and eyesore design work, my patience worn to a bare thread, watching the clock tick happily while i fantasize about doing things i would like to do but am not able to because i have once again left everything that matters to the very last minute. first i think i have no luck whutsoever. then luck creeps up behind me and screams in my ear. its scary. it really is. whats even more scary, i sat through over half an hour of nasyid (im sorry melayu i dont know how to spell it) droned into my brain and i didnt flinch. i did not even have urges to run away. maybe the fact i dont really know what theyre singing makes me mentally shut it aside. unlike church songs. and no im not going to chuck myself into a religious debate -with myself- in this state of .. ouch. my fingers hurt. i cut the nails too short and the flesh isnt adapting to it very well. for those of you who think i have short hair now, i dont. i still have lots of over 40cm strands on my head. makes you wonder what i did with my hair eh? if i had one of those electric shaving devices, id probably have turned out punk. hell yeah. blame it on the weather. enough of this meaningless ranting. wheres mongmong? .: 4:04:00 AM :. .: Donnerstag, April 3 :. Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. - Mark Twain - you know youve been around neopia for a long time if you still remember the game switcharoo like hottie and me. it was easy to play with high rewards. damn the current situation of inflation. regarding the quote above, i made the mortal mistake of tagging along after gollum to get his hair cut at dengkil yesterday. simply because i wanted to buy luncheon meat. eventually i got myself a can of spam and a tray of eggs, had to dust off my rusty hakka to communicate with the small town chinese sundry shop (do people use the word sundry anymore) owner. hey at least i could still answer when asked what i was looking for and which kind i wanted. chang sek ge ng chan yuk. lol. or something like that. and gollum told me these women speak nothing but mandarin and hokkien. i would have loved to explore that little shop more but we were expecting a 6:45 van back to campus. which never came but thats a different story... 5:15 - departed from stad and began an unexpected adventure. okay that is very overrated. it wasnt an adventure, it was an unbelievable waste of precious time. we arrived at the petronas station and headed to the indian barbershop immediately. this is a very small underdeveloped town and antiques are everywhere. coke still comes in glass bottles and theres was a particularly exquisite prayer shrine hanging in front of a chinese shop. i have never seen anything like it before. i had wanted to get some hair trimmed off as well, but the barber didnt look too happy about having me inside his shop. first time i have ever been inside one of these places. also the first time i actually appreciated the distinct smell of indian scented oil. i was curious what fish were those in his dirty aquarium but didnt dare ask. the thing i particularly admired was how the reflection in the huge mirror bounced off the other mirror opposite it and it just kept repeating endlessly, so i could spy on gollum looking all goth without making it seem like i was staring. 8:55 - we have waited for over two hours doing completely nothing, except smoking and making idle chit-chat, swatting bugs and patiently ignoring the drizzle. one of those bugs got into my mouth and i think i bit it. o_o eew. along the way we saw a big toad and a sneaky lizard climbing up the flagpost. i had not eaten anything the whole day and was starving. here comes the superman theory. since the first hour passed, we had been discussing what to do if the stupid van does not show up. to think we had such a hard time finding a solution is a shame really because we ought to have a wider circle of acquaintances and certainly more than a handful with cars. so superman, is actually someone or more than one, that all of us have but do not really know it whom we can count on to get out of sticky situations. all gollum had to do was make one phonecall that lasted less than half a minute and rescue was on the way. thats what i call salvation. 9:00 - i decided i was bored of hanging around the petrol kiosk already so we walked. between us we only had rm11 (explains why a cab was out of the question). and half of it was in coins. it felt like we were completely deprived. its not that accurate to use the word poverty but we used it anyway. i had my first meal of the day under drizzle because we chose to sit outside, one with the rain was my excuse. it was pretty sad, being stranded in a gradually darkening town, craving for food but worried about not being able to pay for it. i dont ever want to find myself in a similar situation. it makes you really conscious of materialistic worth. *sigh* 9:45 - got home in one tired piece. just as i was about to take a shower some evil spirit possessed me and i sought out the kitchen scissors, stood in front of the mirror and began cutting my hair. previous times ive attempted this, the results were disastrous but i went to school anyway. so how bad can it be. those times i only cut my fringe though, this time.. argh. anyone want some thick black hair to make a toupee or for some extensions maybe? tell me soon or the poor lot of chopped ends are going to be thrown away. it measures approximately 30cm. i have such a thick mane, i bet noone is going to even notice the difference. thankfully. after three months or so, my talons are finally reduced to normal looking finger nails. if it wasnt for the broken one, i wouldnt even consider it. how to make the nail stick to the flesh? i dont like short nails. dirt collects under them easier than with long nails. short nails make my fingers look really stubby :( the luncheon meat and eggs didnt help anything. they just added to my burden. at least i get to eat something more to my liking for dinner today. maybe i will end up with another 'adventure' tomorrow at puchong. ah but then public transport can be counted on. damn you unreliable student van. i was supposed to have burned the midnight oil to redo my final presentation yesterday. ah the constant procrastination. first paper on saturday. wish me luck, because as always.. i am going to need all the luck i can get. .: 12:50:00 AM :. .: Dienstag, April 1 :. Fact and Fancy by H. P. Lovecraft (February 1917) How dull the wretch, whose philosophic mind Disdains the pleasures of fantastic kind; Whose prosy thoughts the joys of life exclude, And wreck the solace of the poet's mood! Young Zeno, practis'd in the Stoic's art, Rejects the language of the glowing heart; Dissolves sweet Nature to a mess of laws; Condemns th' effect whilst looking for the cause; Freezes poor Ovid in an iced review, And sneers because his fables are untrue! In search of hope the hopeful zealot goes, But all the sadder tums, the more he knows! Stay! Vandal sophist, whose deep lore would blast The grateful legends of the storied past; Whose tongue in censure flays th' embellish'd page, And scorns the comforts of a dreary age; Wouldst strip the foliage from the vital bough Till all men grow as wisely dull as thou? Happy the man whose fresh, untainted eye Discerns a Pantheon in the spangled sky; Finds sylphs and dryads in the waving trees, And spies soft Notus in the southern breeze For whom the stream a cheering carol sings, While reedy music by the fountain rings; To whom the waves a Nereid tale confide Till friendly presence fills the rising tide. Happy is he, who void of learning's woes, Th' ethereal life of bodied Nature knows; I scorn the sage that tells me it but seems, And flout his gravity in sunlight dreams! i was introduced to howard phillips by florian. some german names are really different from the standardized tom, dick and harry. this is the first time im reading this particular poem myself, i had originally intended to post up 'despair' but stumbled on this piece of work instead. yes my lethargy has taken a turn for the worse. the days seem longer yet shorter, i can no longer bear to tolerate the obnoxious characteristic of unknown personalities. one word: ward. schnauze. reviewing my literature likes i came up with this order; william, edgar, howard, roald. and theres always james finn garner.. why am i so inclined toward their brand of twisted. we should be able to service our cognitive department every now and then, that way instead of having mine rot away with displeasing parallel dimensions of reality, maybe i could strive for a better me. and be utterly full of myself with disregard for people whom i meet, know or care about. yes apply the words, 'im the king of the mountain' to your engorged flatulence. flaunt it for the world to see how 'thumbs up' you are, sowing gratuitous blessings and reaping the fruits of your labour. what for? oh you know the answer to that. i have just thrown myself out on a limb. the crack in my broken nail extends itself hoping to meet the other end, detaching from the flesh beneath it.. leaving me. i admit i am irrationally irritable almost all the time. irrational with reason, as contradicting as it may sound. am i awake or am i still dreaming? i own such loathing fear for the unknown. i think up worst case scenarios and get scared they might come true. i dont know how you manage. i dont get it. how can you be sure. .: 11:50:00 PM :. |
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